Monkey Ninjas

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“Quite possibly the only thing hairier than Rob Zombie.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Monkey Ninjas

“I bet the Chinks aren't as expensive as these guys.”

~ Skippy Squirrel on Monkey Ninjas

“Ooh, ooh, aah, aah, ooh!”

~ Monkey Ninjas on Quotes
Oh, my god! It's a Monkey Ninja! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

Monkey Ninjas (also referred to as Those hairy bastards) are a typical stock character in action movies. They were first used by Skippy Squirrel in the Slappy's Angels series of movies, and have since been ripped off by every other money-grabbing motherfucker in Hollywood.

Background[edit]

Just as Slappy's Angels was based very, very, very, very, very loosely on the Charlie's Angels legends, the Monkey Ninjas, at least according to Skippy Squirrel, were inspired by an extract from the unabridged Kama Sutra, which reads as follows:

...And then, Mustafa Piss was surrounded by hairy, vicious beasts of the jungle, who slayed him where he stood, and then carried his mistress to the woods where she was not seen again..."

Many believe that this is just an entry talking about the downsides of Bestiality, but nobody gave a fuck, so Skippy Squirrel stole it for his movies.

Slappy's Angels[edit]

In the Slappy's Angels series, the Monkey Ninjas were originally cast as minions of Oliver Cromwell, skilled in the arts of Judo, Kendo, Tae Kwan Do, Anything You Can Do and Karate. The role was given to every lunatic in Uzbekistan, who were so realistic as monkeys that no make-up was used.

After the first movie, Slappy's Angels, was released in 2007, Skippy Squirrel, the writer of the series, found that not only did the Monkey Ninjas have good potential as second-rate villains, but it was cheaper than asking a load of nobodys to keep coming in and pay them a salary, and so the Monkey Ninjas were written into the sequel, Slappy's Angels: Full Throttle.

From Full Throttle onwards, the Monkey Ninjas were portrayed by the government of Finland, who really needed the money because they had used all of theirs up bribing Sweden and Norway to stop leaving the toilet-seat up every night. The Monkey Ninjas, as a result, became the only recurring villain of the series, having appeared in nearly all of the films plus the TV series, the only exception being Slappy's Angels: 10 Seconds to Armageddon, due to budget problems.

The Slappy's Angels movies featuring the Monkey Ninjas are as follows:

  • Slappy's Angels (the only time Uzbekistan played the role)
  • Slappy's Angels: Full Throttle (when Finland took up the role)
  • Slappy's Angels 3
  • Slappy's Angels (TV series)
  • Slappy's Angels 4: The Quest for More Money
  • Slappy's Angels 5

Other Movies[edit]

Following the success of Slappy's Angels, the idea of Monkey Ninjas was quickly ripped off by other movie directors keen to make a quick buck rather than come up with something fresh. In some cases, the Ninjas were featured pretty prominently, but in others, they weren't, because the Ninjas kept climbing up the Empire State Building and pissing all over New York before Biggles shot them down.

Action Movie[edit]

In the crappy film Action Movie created by the Scary Movie team, a group of Monkey Ninjas, led by Vladimir Lenin (played by Fu Manchu), are kidnapping Jewish rabbis and holding them captive. The Ninjas are later defeated by a vigilante called XXX (played by Michael Jordan).

In this movie, the Monkey Ninjas were played by Brazil, as Finland had refused to reprise the role for a parody.

Brantford[edit]

According to Mel Brooks, he had planned to have a Monkey Ninja as a sidekick to the main villain in his 1995 fantasy-adventure movie, Brantford, but this looks like bullshit, especially as Brantford was made in 1995, 12 years before the first Slappy's Angels movie.

High Anxiety[edit]

The 2027 thriller High Anxiety featured a lone villain whose pet chimpanzee was a skilled Monkey Ninja. The Ninja was portrayed by a desperate Tom Cruise who was just as desperate for the money as Finland had been.

Scream 4[edit]

The 2009 horror movie Scream 4 featured a Monkey Ninja called Geraldine who was the main killer in the movie, and was killed by a falling feather in a chicken coop. She was played by Condoleeza Rice.

Spy Movie[edit]

Rob Zombie as the Monkey Ninja.


In the 2024 comedy-thriller Spy Movie (also produced by the Scary Movie crew) featured a lone Monkey Ninja who was being used as a hairy guard-dog by the Soviet Union. The Monkey Ninja was played by Rob Zombie.

See Also[edit]