Monson, Massachusetts

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Monson, Massachusetts
Monson flag.png
Motto: "We Hate Everyone but us."
National Anthem: Connectthedots Sucks
Monson, MA.png
Official language English
Race White
Capital Monson
Government Communist
President Fidel Castro
National Holiday Everyday
National Hero Buster the Cat
International Hero Fidel Castro
Independence 1775
Currency None(goverment owns everything)
Religion Whatever makes you feel good
Preferred Lube None

Monson is a tiny town in Hampden County, Massachusetts, in a valley so deep that many people believe that sunlight never reaches the bottom. The population of this large hole in the ground is around 8,132 people. The majority of these people are too old to be alive, and are thus-called "Coffin Dodgers"


Monson was first settled in the year of 1715 but at that time was only known as "The place east of Springfield". Also at this time Monson had just one resident in it and when people in neighboring towns heard about this they began to feel lonely for him and they decided to move next to him so he could have some company. Monson was finally recognized as a town in the year of 1775 because a whole 10 people lived there and they were becoming too lazy to attend church in the neighboring town of Brimfield because of the "distance". During the Industrial Revolution Monson was a booming mill town and employed all of the rejected workers from Holyoke and Chicopee to work in their factories. But those days are long past and the large, abandoned factories have become a popular spot for druggies and vandals alike. Monson has become famous for their school systems. This is because Monson schools have such luxuries like warm water fountains, heaters that work in the summer, air conditioners that work in the winter, and textbooks that show East Germany as not existing anymore.


The estimated population of Monson is 8,132 but the real population may never be known. This is due to the fact that many people in Monson are Democrats who refuse to register citizens because "George Bush says he's a citizen also". Monson's white population is about 99.99999% with only about -4 blacks in the whole town(other races are unknown to many citizens in Monson but many believe the Pacific Islanders live in the woods.)

The demigraphics in Monson can be broken down in a very simple manner:

  • Whites-99%
  • Black-0.5%
  • Other Races-N/A
  • Democrats-125%
  • Republicans-.000001%
  • Druggies-85%
  • Hippies-97%
  • Skaterboarders-1%
  • Poser Skateboarders-1000000%
  • Emo-89%
  • Rapist-99%
  • Dog Killers-34%
  • People who are good at sports-70%
  • People on the baseball team- 30%

Note*:There are also about 1,000,000,000 squirrels in Monson.

Picture of downtown Monson. Note: The telephone poles go from no where and lead to no where.

Most of the town's population lives on or around such roads as Town Farm Road(which lacks both a town and a farm, yet surprisingly is a road.), also Circle Drive(yet this road clearly only makes a 180 degree turn and not a 360.), Crest Road(this name is a much better description of Circle Drive), and Fenton Road. As you may have seen most of Monson's road names don't make much sense except for Fenton Road but that's only because I have no clue what a Fenton is.


Monson is home to many well known buildings and structures. These include a large factory where they store unknown substances(most likely drugs). Also Monson is home to one of the worlds smallest libraries, and it is estimated that there are almost 10 complete books and a video cassette in their collection. The town is also famous for its very large shopping center, in it is the towns largest grocery store and one of the towns twenty liquor stores. Monson has more abandoned buildings per square mile then any other town in the world(excluding Africa)which has given the towns nickname of "abandoned building capital of the world." But by far the most known building and attraction in Monson is its "gentleman's" club called the Magic Lantern (AKA: The Dirty Flashlight

Town Farm Road[edit]

Look at those eyes. Those are the eyes of a cold blooded sheep killer.

This road is by far the most well known in the town after Main Street. One reason it's so known is because it has a whole 15 houses on it which is almost half the population of the town. Also this road is famous for its two dog killers.

The first dog killing happened in early 2007 by(we'll call him John Smith) and this John Smith decided it would be fun to see what happened when you put together his German Shepard and a chain saw. Well he soon found out that two years in jail and a fine of a thousand dollars is what happens when you do that.

The second dog killing happened in July of 2007 by(we'll call this soul Jane Doe) and this blood thirsty killer decided to shoot a German Shephard that was peacefully walking through his yard. But wait what's this? He later claimed that the dog "Killed one of my sheep and was out of control so i had no choice but to kill it". Yet a few days later he changed his story to "He attacked 15 of my sheep and was just throwing them around".

So whats the moral here? Well the obvious answer is to never buy a German Shephard if you plan on moving to Town Farm Road. Yet these "murders" still leave us with some unanswered questions such as how does a dog get through an electric fence? Or better yet how can you change your story from the "Dog killed a sheep" to just "Attacking 15"?



Although Monson is considered to be a typical New England town with its rolling hills, shadowy vallies, white topped church steeples, and quaint shops. Monson can however, be divided into seperate and very distinct neighborhoods.

The Northeast Corner-This is where most of Monson's upper class people live, along with the dog killers

The Forest-This neighborhood is also known as the Southeast corner and like its name suggest theres lots of trees, and not much else.

Unknown Territory-Also called the Southwest corner. No one really knowns who, or what lives here.

The Northwest Corner-This is where all of the Wilbraham lovers live and all of the people that hate Monson because they have recently moved here and they complain that the locals "Aren't very friendly".

"Da, Hood"-This neighborhood is simply known as "Da Hood" since this is where everything in the town happens. All the drug bust, car accidents, parties,and vandalism happens right here, Though some believe that the name of the neighborhood came from the lack of education given to the people here.

Things to do While in Monson[edit]

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Monson, Massachusetts.

Although there are countless things to do in Monson I have given you a list of only the most popular activities.

  • Watch teenagers pretend to skate in front of the Unitarian Chruch.
  • Join in a drug bust.
  • Get caught in a drug bust.
  • Check out books at the Monson Free Library(remember everything is free, thats why they dont have pay phones).
  • Mourn the library's dead cat Buster.
  • Get lost.
  • Eat "fresh" grinders at Subway.
  • Wait in a 3 hour line to get a coffee at Dunkin Donuts.
  • Ask a local if they know a friend of yours that lives in Monson and wait for their response.
  • Call everyone in Monson hicks.
  • Watch their track, soccer, softball, and every team except for the baseball team kick every other town's butt.
  • Go to the world famous gentleman's club(see Buildings section)
  • For more fun ideas of things to do in Monson you should come to the Monson visitors center in the back of the House of Art where the bathrooms use to be.
  • Visit Town Farm Road to possibly see a dog get murdered(there has been two dogs killed already)so if you hear the sound of a chain saw or a gun being fired just look for the nearest house and u may just witness a very exciting event for the whole family.

You Might Be From Monson And Probably Are If...[edit]

File:Blad Peak House 2.JPG
Monson's Town Hall in downtown.
  • Your mouse pad has a picture of the local library cat on it.
  • You have to drive 20 miles on a dirt road and through a couple of streams to get to your neighbor's house.
  • The address of your house is in "undiscovered territory".
  • When people say soccer sucks you become highly insulted.
  • You're for abortion but against logging.
  • You have no clue what an Asian, Pacific Islander, or Black person looks like.
  • The highlight of your life is when the local news came to interview you about the car accident on your street.
  • You know the middle name of everyone in town.
  • You know what "Shun the outsiders" means.
  • You cringe when people say they're from Connecticut.
  • Your weekly, social get-together takes place at the local Getty gas station.
  • Your yearly vacations are "taking a trip downtown".
  • You consider Palmer the "Big city".
  • You know someone with the last name Murphy
  • You are related to half the town
  • You start every sentence with "I'm not racist but..."
  • You heard the rumor of Monson would be a town without the traffic light near the library

Some Semi-Interesting Facts[edit]

  • Monson vote to have traffic lights be illegal in their town due to the fact that they force you to stop instead of giving you a choice, yet Monson does have a blinking traffic light to encourage seizers among its youth population.
  • Main Street used to have more millionaires then any other place in the world. Ironically this same street now has more drug dealers then any other place in the world.

See Also[edit]