Monster Blood

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Monster Blood is an oozing, green substance that is supposedly the life force of monsters everywhere. Investigative reporter R. L. Stine wrote a book about it. If you eat it, you might grow to freakish proportions and become a monster. Or you might die from radiation poisoning, or be compelled to spend inordinate amounts of money on a series of good-but-not-great horror novels aimed at children

History of Monster Blood[edit]

It was originally discovered in 1953 by a Canadian named Albert Einstein while playing a game of Canadian DnD (Canadian Dungeons & Dragons). His friend, Hai Buddi was busy arguing why he should not be the one to play the moose when his wildly flappy head knocked over an ancient cabinet that resided in Einstein's basement. Out fell several containers of Monster Blood. In 1987, Hai Buddi painted his car with the blood and turned it into a Monster Truck, thusly discovering the amazing powerittasetelikepoops of Monster Blood that we all know and love today.

The Monster Blood was destroyed by that orphan girl who sings the Tomorrow is Only a Day Away song or whatever, however, a bit of it survived. Monster Blood is now a growing epidemic on the verge of destroying the world.

The Power of Monster Blood[edit]

As Hai Buddi's car experiment had shown, Monster Blood makes stuff get big, and quickly. It has a special ultraciumniumsome made of super proteins that no other has. Some Mosbologists(doctors of the science of Monster Blood and Pancakes) say these protiens are the source of the enlargement qualities that Monster Blood possesses. Today Monster Blood extracts are used in various products from around the globe.

Uses of Monster Blood and Monster Blood Extracts[edit]

Monster Blood is found in the following products:

  • Genetically-Modified Fruits and Veggies
  • Viagra
  • Most Sunscreens
  • Lamps
  • Monsters
  • AOL
  • Super AIDS
  • and many, many more....

Unconfirmed Rumors[edit]

Where did the Monster Blood that Hai Buddi discovered originally come from? No one is sure, not even the country's top Mosbologists. But many speculate that it is the blood Satan himself spilled when he landed from his fall from Heaven, captured in a few jars. Others say that the cabinet was used by a Monster Blood donation clinic from eons ago. If you would like to help the Mosbologists in their unending search for the true beginning of Monster Blood, contact your local House of Mosbology today. urineurination

Opposites[edit]

Monster Blood, when blessed by the three high priests of the the Minbari religious faction, then spoken to at a whisper for seven days and seven nights by the magic sword of Samurai Jack, and finally cast into the fires of Mount Doom to aid in the destruction of the One Ring, takes on a purplish color, and then shifts in consistancy until it becomes something like peanut butter. This new substance, referred to as Monster Sweat by some, can be ingested to cause shrinking in the subject. This property has made the substance one of the most sought after by vorarephiles and macrophiles alike who will pay large sums of money to acquire only a small dollop of it. As such it is recommended that should you acquire any of this substance you flush it down your toilet immediately, because if you don't you will be stepping on and/or eating people in your food for months to come.


NOTE: Due to tragic accidents involving several thousand cases of micropenis, monster sweat is now illegal in Texas.

Side Effects[edit]

The following is a list of side effects from Monster Blood:

  • Burning sensation while urinating
  • Massive amounts of farting
  • Projectile vomiting
  • Growth of a penis (females only)
  • Shrinking of penis (males only)
  • Insomnia

If you are suffering any of these side effects or more, please consult a doctor; if you don't, then you're fucked.