“Sunday? But that's when I go golfing! Couldn't it be Saturday instead?”
SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY, at the Uncyclopedia Coliseum! Read all about monster trucks! Discover the high-flyin’, car-crunchin’ history of these mega machines! Get a first-hand look what makes a vehicle a monster truck! Read a death-defying list of monster trucks that have come and gone in the history of this exciting sport! Find links to other articles that are somehow related to this one! Kids’ seats are just TEN BUCKS!!!!!!! Get your tickets for this event at the Uncyclopedia Coliseum or Ticketmaster!! IT’S AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bob Chandler was a mad scientist in St. Louis, Missouri who worked as a construction worker for his day job. On the weekends, he went off-roading with his 1974 Ford F-250. However, Chandler’s pickup frequently got worn out while off-roading, and because auto parts stores in his area lacked the parts he needed to repair his truck, he decided to give up for the time being & take a vacation in the forest.
That vacation proved to be a stroke of luck for Chandler, however. While hiking through the woods, he encountered the infamous Bigfoot (a.k.a. Sasquatch). Luckily, Chandler had brought a tranquilizer gun on this expedition, so he took aim & fired at the creature. The first dart struck the creature & put him out like a lightbulb. Initially, Chandler wanted to take the creature back to his lab & study it, but then another thought struck him like lightning: What if I used this creature to repair my truck? So, he took a sample of Bigfoot’s hair & headed back to his laboratory.
Back at the laboratory, he set to work on combining Bigfoot’s DNA with his F-250. After much experimentation, he successfully combined Bigfoot’s DNA with his 4X4. As a side effect, his truck got slightly larger than before. Since he had some leftover hair from Bigfoot, he decided to clone the DNA sample in order to make his truck even larger. However, to eliminate suspicion, Chandler founded the Midwest Four Wheel Drive & Performance Center as a front for his operation. He also decided to increase the size of his truck gradually.
Eventually, Chandler was showing off his newly-customized 4X4 at events such as mud races & sled pulls. He named his truck “Bigfoot” after the monster whose DNA he injected into his truck. He had also stolen top-secret military documents regarding a new four-wheel steering system & installed it on his pickup. However, he was never charged with any crime because the military decided not to adopt this system.
Unbeknownst to Chandler, people all around the country were customizing their pickup trucks in a similar fashion. Everett Jasmer of Spring Lake Park, Minnesota fused an American flag with his 1970 Chevy K-10 pickup & christened his vehicle “USA-1”. In Illinois, Fred Shafer & Jack Willman Sr. did something similar to Chandler, except they injected bear DNA into their 1974 Chevy K-20. They named their truck “Bearfoot” as a result.
Another example of DNA being injected into a 4X4 pickup was a 1975 Ford F-250 owned by Jeff Dane of Colgate, Wisconsin. Mr. Dane was a big fan of the movie “King Kong”, so he decided to visit the island where Kong lived, thinking it was a real place & that the beast actually lived there. Actually, he just sailed to a random island in the Pacific hoping that Kong would be there, and much to his luck, Kong was at the island he picked. Unlike Bob Chandler, Jeff Dane had a much more difficult time trying to get some of Kong’s hair & nearly got killed in the process. However, he managed to get some of Kong’s hair & got back home without serious injury. Obviously, he named his newly beefed-up F-250 “King Kong”
Anyways, back to Bob Chandler. In 1981, a friend of his asked him if he’d like to make an extra $300. Chandler asked about what the job was & his friend told him it was to crush a couple of junk cars with his truck, which was now equipped with 48” tires. Chandler agreed, & the next day, he showed up at the appointed field with Bigfoot while his friend taped it. Unbeknownst to Chandler, the two cars were used as getaway cars in a recent robbery & his friend was using him to dispose of the evidence. Even worse, Chandler decided to play the video at Midwest Four Wheel Drive as a promotional tool. When questioned about it, Chandler said he spotted those guys at a rest area & was doing that to prevent them from leaving the state. He even told the police where the bad guys were at. Luckily, Chandler was let off the hook & his friend was caught & arrested.
Another good thing that happened was that a motorsports promoter saw the tape & was so impressed that he asked Chandler to duplicate the stunt in front of a crowd. In 1982, Bigfoot hit another growth spurt, gaining 66” Terra Tires, and that year it did a car crush at the Pontiac Silverdome. This turned out to be a pivotal event, as it sent America on a journey to monster truck madness. Not only did USA-1, Bearfoot & King Kong grow 66” tires, but other people began to modify their trucks in a similar fashion, giving rise to trucks such as King Krunch, The Virginia Giant, Excaliber, The AM/PM Boss, etc… The public thought the name “monster truck” came from the monstrous size of the vehicles, but in reality, it was because the early trucks were injected with monster DNA. The truth was disguised by people such as Bob Chandler in order to keep the public unaware.
Initially, car crushing was just a side act to mud racing & sled pulling, but then a couple of guys decided it would be fun to race these behemoths. After some disastrous accidents when trying to race these vehicles on a NASCAR-style oval track, it was decided that monster trucks should just be drag racing. With the rise of racing, drivers decided to do more than simply injecting DNA or essence into their trucks. They decided to mix new formulas in an attempt to reduce their trucks’ weight while retaining their massive size.
A new racing league was founded by TNT Motorsports & sponsored by Renegades Tobacco in 1988. USA-1, driven by Rod Litzau, took 1st place in the series. The following year, The Equalizer, which had been fused with a pile of old math books, won the championship. Around this time, something radically new was about to happen. While Bob Chandler was creating a new Bigfoot truck, some fiberglass particles were accidentally mixed in with the formula, causing the new truck to be radically different in design.
Due to this new design & persistent rumors that the truck could go 200 MPH, this new Bigfoot was banned for part of the 1990 TNT season. However, Bigfoot ended up taking the 1990 championship anyways & soon, all monster truck drivers found ways to make trucks designed similarly to the new Bigfoot, setting a new standard for monster truck designs for years to come. Today, despite the closure of the TNT Monster Truck Challenge & the loss of other similar open-qualifying race series, monster trucks continue to be popular all across the country and around the globe, drawing millions of people every SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY!
Monster truck design has changed radically over the years. As explained earlier, monster trucks are created by injecting a creature’s DNA into a truck or by fusing an object with a truck through alchemy. Pickup trucks & SUVs are the most popular vehicles for such transformations, but other vehicles have been transformed in a similar fashion, including cars, big rigs, and even aircraft! All trucks use 66” tall “Terra Tires”, which is the most distinctive feature of a truck. These tires were originally legally made for fertilizer spreaders, but with the aforementioned injection & fusing techniques, trucks were able to grow these tires themselves.
Early trucks used the original factory metal body & frame, but with extensive reinforcement, leaf spring suspension, multiple shock absorbers per wheel and Rockwell 5-ton military truck axles. Trucks also had special features such as tilt hoods, chrome roll bars & other gizmos. Due to this build-up, trucks weighed anywhere from 13,000-20,000 pounds and had to crawl over the cars, sometimes performing a wheelstand before doing so.
However, new suspension designs such as coil springs & four-link suspension appeared thanks to new formulas being produced for lowering the trucks’ weight. In addition, engines became more powerful, which helped monster trucks to get more air. As mentioned before, Bob Chandler developed a new design for monster trucks. This modern design uses a custom-made fiberglass body with unbreakable Lexan windows, tubular frame, four-link suspension with nitrogen cell shock absorbers, a driver compartment with the driver sitting in the center and Rockwell school bus axles. Trucks also have a kill switch in case the truck goes out of control or in case it shoots laser beams at people.
Some people even produce monster truck frames for other people so that non-mad scientists can also enjoy the sport. Due to the wonders of fiberglass bodies, some trucks even have bodies that are shaped like monsters! This prompted suspicion from the general public as to the real origin of monster trucks, but thanks to our investigative efforts, the real truth will be revealed!!
One monster truck that demmands attention is the arguably sentient Maximum Destruction, the only monster truck ever documented to choose it's own name, and to an extent, driver. In 2001, FELD Motorsports, then known as Live Nation Entertainment, devised a plan to usurp the long running USA-1 truck for the title of "most patriotic truck in the world" and secretly stole rubble from the attacks on New York on 9/11, hoping that the residual energy of national hatred and nearly fascist American pride would turn out a truck that would would all but run on xenophobia and patriotism. However the black alchemists in the dungeon of FELD's business castle in Chesapeake NC feared that the results of combining such potent ingredients with such an old and weathered Willman frame design could prove very dangerous, so they had to take an entire extra year to make sure that the results would be satisfactory. In the meantime, as the WCW license had just run out and Tom Meents needed a new truck name, as Bill Goldberg no longer wanted to be associated with anything he wasn't paid to be associated with. In the face of such dire circumstance, FELD's alchemists decided to inject Tom Meent's own DNA into the Willman frame for lack of any better ideas. However, due to Tom Meents being a very smug person, the only change that was registered on the truck that was the shade of gold on the Goldberg truck turned a few shades deeper, the red and black tribal flames shifted in pattern slightly, and Tom's own face was now deeply etched into the surface of the truck. As well as this, the differentials grew a locker gear in the front and rear, which put the trucks leagues ahead of the competition, which mostly had only split fronts, with a few still having split rears. However, in late 2002, the night before the debut of Tom Meent's new truck in West Lebanon NY, however, the planned truck did not quite come to conception, as the monstrous creation of Maximum Destruction, as the truck dubbed itself, was born, complete with a deathly rendition of Tom Meents face where his portrait was once etched on the rear, some say as a sign to the people at FELD that it desired Tom Meents to be it's driver. The FELD nobles were disgusted, sadly they'd been billing Tom's new truck for months, and couldn't back out of the show in the morning, and ordered the merchandise to be made anyway, executing the court alchemists for their failure the next day. However, to this day, Maximum Destruction has been Tom's truck, or, how the truck would have you believe, Tom is Maximum Destruction's driver.
Anyways, that aside, pretty much the only things that modern monster trucks share with the trucks of yesteryear are the Terra Tires, the fact that most trucks still use pickup-truck shaped bodies and the fact that they still crush cars. Any way you slice it, they still put on the wildest shows on WHEELS WHEELS WHEELS WHEELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
List of Select Trucks
|Truck Name||Base Vehicle||Owner(s)||Other Drivers||Origin of Name|
|Bigfoot||1974 Ford F-250||Bob Chandler
|Bob Chandler injected some of Bigfoot’s DNA into his truck.|
|USA-1||1970 Chevrolet K-10||Everett Jasmer||Rod Litzau
|Everett Jasmer fused an American flag with his truck in order to have the most patriotic pickup on the block.|
|Bearfoot||1974 Chevrolet K-20||Fred Shafer
Jack Willman Sr. (former)
|Fred Shafer & Jack Willman were bear herders who decided to combine bear DNA with their pickup.|
|King Kong||1975 Ford F-250||Jeff Dane||Steve Dane||Jeff Dane was such a fan of the movie King Kong that he decided to get a little “souvenir” from his idol & combine it with his truck.|
|Grave Digger||1950 Chevrolet Panel Van||Dennis Anderson||Pablo Huffaker
|Dennis Anderson actually dug up peoples’ graves in order to combine their essence with his truck.|
|Carolina Crusher||1972 Chevrolet C-10||Gary Porter||Paul Shafer
|Gary Porter attempted to crush North Carolina, but gave up because he couldn’t find a car compactor big enough & instead fused a car compactor with his truck.|
|Cyclops||1969 Chevrolet C-60||Fred & Gary Dykman||N/A||The Dykman brothers combined Cyclops DNA with a Coca-Cola delivery truck. Rumor has it they were also fans of the X-Men character of the same name & tried to kidnap him for his DNA.|
|Equalizer||1985 Chevy S-10||David Morris (Original)
Mike Hawkins (Current)
|N/A||David Morris broke into abandoned schools and stole math books to combine them with his truck.|
|Snake-Bite||Custom Snake||Nobody cares||Varies from show to show||Colt Cobra was a snake charmer who stole a old Bigfoot truck and combined it with some serpents and fiberglass particles, but then was hired by Bob Chandler after he noticed.|
|Cyborg||Varies||Jack Koberna||N/A||Jack Koberna combined a Napa Auto Parts pickup with a Transformers action figure. Rumor has it that he was a fan of Kraftwerk and attempted to kidnap them for their DNA, only to be stopped by police.|
|Zombie||Custom Zombie||FELD Motorsports||Nobody cares||FELD's mad scientists combined a DVD of The Walking Dead episodes with a truck bought from [NAME OF TRUCK DEALERSHIP WITHHELD]|
|The Toy||Toyota Truck||Joe Rinke||Joe Rinke combined a wind-up toy with his truck.|