Monty Panesar

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M. S. Panesar
England (Eng)
Monty Panesar (right centre)
Batting Style Left Handed Bat (LHB)
Bowling style Slow Left Swing Spin (SLS)
Test Career 2005 -
Matches Always spent
Runs Scored More than you
Wickets Sticky
Balls Small - non existant
Bowling Average Better than Ashley Giles's
Aussie wickets 8 (so far)

“The only living people that I've seen turn more are Warne, Muralitharan and Alistair Campbell”

~ Oscar Wilde on Panesar's recent performances

“See we don't need Panesar; I can drop catches equally as well.”

~ Ashley Giles on the second Ashes Test 2006 at Adelaide

“Well, he may be able to bowl, but if he cannot score at least 50 runs a match and take 15 catches he's dropped”

~ Duncan Fletcher on Panesar's performance at the 3rd Ashes test

“He'shh the bessht bowler shinsh Bosham”

~ English man struggles to sum up Panesar's ability through his giant teeth

“How can I be mad at him for sh**ging my missus when he can make a ball turn that much?”

~ Andy Flower - On Panesar servicing his wife

Monty is one of England's brightest cricketing prospects. His unique method of leg orthodox swing bowling gets the batsmen out by infuriating him by swinging with the batsman's wife. He is the first Sikh to play for any cricket team ever since the discovery that Harbhajan Singh is in fact a prototype bowling machine droid programmed to land the ball in exactly the same place each delivery.

He is primarily noted for his flamboyant celebrations on taking a wicket, this involves him flying round the ground missing all high fives offered to him.

Early Life[edit]

Monty's parents moved to England in 1964 as they were offered a job presenting BBC programme Kumars at No.42. Monty attended St. Luthwell Military University doing a degree in turban manufacturing.

Getting Started[edit]

Originally Monty was hired as a janitor at Northamptonshire Cricket Club but during a bird flu epidemic he was drafted into the first class side. His impact was immediate and he played every game that season with an average of 28 with the ball and he became an accomplished batter with an average of 100. He was also noted for his skills in fielding after several difficult catches were held by him.

Playing for England[edit]

Replaced Ashley Giles in the England set-up due to the King Of Spain's state engagements, the Spanish Government finding that whilst Ashley was a more than adequate Economist he was in fact a useless politician unable to deal with negative spin or produce any spin of his own.

Inzy Attempting to grab a pie out of Chris Read pocket and falling on his stumps in the process

Monty made his début for England on a tour of India. In his first test he managed to pick up 3 wickets including Sachin Tendulkar, Rahul Dravid and Anil Kumble. On taking the third, Monty frantically scrambled to collect the stumps and ran off to sell them on eBay.

Panesar was recalled for a series against Sri Lanka and Pakistan. He was noted for his excellent bowling against Pakistan in which took the wickets of all Pakistan's top order batsmen. His most famous wicket was when he managed to convince Inzamam Ul-haq that England wicket keeper Chris Read had a pie in his pocket. This led to Inzy trying to grab the pie and in the process falling over his stumps.

The Ashes[edit]

Monty said he's is hopeful for a place in Englands next Ashes tour. He has received wide praise from the Australians who have noted him as a worthy advisary, except Glenn McGrath who just commented "he's a cunt". What actually happened was Ashley 'can't bowl to save my life' Giles was picked instead. The England team proceeded to fuck up the Ashes. Duncan Fletcher has defended this decision saying Giles is more adept at batting. Plus, the two thousand English pounds which mysteriously appeared in Fletcher's hotel room in Sydney is thought to have some bearing on this. Indeed Giles' important runs in the lower order and have all given England a fighting chance of keeping the Ashes. Pity he's crap at bowling people out.

In the rumoured upcoming epic film version of The Ashes, Panesar is to be played by Brad Pitt.

Preceded by:
Bob Geldof
1989 - 2006
Succeeded by:
Richard III


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Monty Panesar.