Moobear

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

A Moobear is a term that came into popularity at the beginning of the twenty-first century in description of a series of mutant super-humans allegedly existing in hiding throughout the New England area. A growing archetype in modern mythology, existence of moobears has not been confirmed by any legitimate scientific authority. Political and law enforcement leaders have refused to comment on the nature of Moobears, raising staunch criticism from citizens concerned over matters of national security amid rumors that Moobears could plausibly be terrorist operatives in disguise. Officials have received approval from civil libertarians who say, "Let the Moobears be as they are. The government has no place to intervene in the affairs of creatures who do no more than kiss, hug, snuggle, and love one another."

Speculative Origins; Biochemistry; First Civilizations[edit]

Moobears possibly emerged from planet Moobius in the Andromeda Galaxy roughly 3.6 billion years ago. Their evolution is marked by rapid advancements in biochemical sophistication, resulting in protein sheaths unseen in any terrestrial biochemistry and the development of 76 chromosomes, making it impossible for Moobears to cross-breed with humans. Their physiologies are characterized by decreased rapidity of metabolic pathways, resulting in the proclivity to gain weight in the belly-region. (Despite such weight-gain, Moobears are avid outdoorsmen, regularly engaging in an activity not dissimilar from earthly kayaking.) Anatomically, male Moobears are marked by male-patter baldness, strangely long white hairs emerging from the chestal region, and, as one witness procalimed, "cute tushies." Female moobears are characterized by thick saliva, soft and luscious skin, phoenix-red hair, fantastically gorgeous bodies, "BIGBIGBIG PRETTY EYES!", and adorable faces.

The first civilizations of Moobears were characterized by an era of peace. Committed to Roussean perspectives of social contortion, Moobears embraced a communitarian political model that shunned the creation of market society, arguing that anything and everything, insofar as it is an intimate reflection of the Moobears' creative energies, ought not be commodified. Moobears lived in tribal communities that cared for one another's material needs, and farming by slaves of the Moobears (see: Moocows; Moobunnies) accounted for the primary means of production until 3 billion B.C. when the creations of robot laborers allowed Moocows and Moobunnies to become pets, rather than slaves, of the Moobears. Evidence of deity worship is sparse, and theologians’ research suggests that the common idiom, “Like a moobear,” suggest the worship of not an actual deity, but an archetypal figure whose attributes all Moobears forever endeavored to emulate.

Moobian Apocalypse; Journey to Earth[edit]

Roughly one billion years after the creation of the first Moobear civilization, an interstellar war triggered by galactic forces left Moobuius in a state of interplanetary chaos. Knowing that the planet would not withstand the nuclear fallout engendered by the unfettered destruction, two emissaries—destined to fall in love and become the most powerful Moobears in galactic history—were sent by the leaders of the Moobears out into the galaxy, hoping they would reach a planet and infiltrate the wombs of two unsuspecting humanoids. It took them billions of years of space travel—as the MooFetuses snuggled warmly in cryo-sleep—to reach Earth circa 1985.

Moobear Lifestyles on Planet Earth[edit]

The modern Moobear is a paradoxical lot—enjoying nuance, yet simplicity; generalities, yet details; inductions, yet deductions, as well. Their hobbies include—but are by no means limited to—coffee-side philosophizing; spending summers on the beach in Kennebunkport; driving around singing; choral music; neuroscience; political thought; bunnies; debates about the nature of human freedom; the brain; theatre; silliness; love; hugs; muppets; kisses; bacon. Female Moobears are generally low altos, whereas male Moobears are typically second tenors. Moobears also tend to have extremely chubby cheeks.


Culinary Habits[edit]

Favorite foods include lemonade, ice cream and candy.