Moor Pig

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The Moor Pig is a fearsome beast often found living in video game stores, usually for sale at around $40 US. They are notorious for their unique ability to simultaneously drain the life out of their victims, and the money out of their victims' bank account, slowly and painfully.

The Moor Pig is sometimes misspelled "MMORPG", but should not be confused with one. MMORPG's are very open about draining away peoples' lives and money, and sometimes even advertise it on the box. Moor Pigs, in contrast, are subtle monstrosities that suck away life and empty bank accounts without their victims even realizing they have a Moor Pig stuck to them.

Origins of the Moor Pig[edit]

Moor Pigs mid-coitus

The first Moor Pig was spotted over 800 years ago in Japan, where it was called "Sugoroku". Nobody is sure who found it, because everybody who saw it was quickly consumed by it and failed to ever say anything coherent ever again. Rumors of the vicious beast spread, mostly because neighboring villages noticed that their neighbors had mysteriously been turned into babbling lifeless husks, and the beast was eventually chased off the island by a pack of blind lawyers wielding court papers. Though banished briefly, the Japanese Moor Pig continued to reappear on the island, and is usually found disguised as PS2 game discs in modern times.

The original breed of Moor Pig is not as well-known for its ability to drain away money from its victims. That ability would pop up later, long after it spread to the Americas in the 1700's.

Early American Moor Pigs[edit]

The first known Moor Pigs in America were spotted during the Revolutionary War, usually disguised as decks of cards or chess sets. The majority of casualties in the early battles of the war were, in fact, due to Moor Pigs eating away the lives of the soldiers, to the point that they were no longer able to fight because they were too busy being eaten.

Many attempts were made to ban Moor Pigs over the centuries, but none of them worked for very long, because Moor Pigs were far too clever at hiding. They also had many supporters, proclaiming that it was fun to have a Moor Pig suck your life out slowly, and that it should become a recognized pastime of the American people. Moor Pig supporters were frequently tossed into insane asylums as a result, except the ones who died from consumption by Moor Pigs.

Around 1995 or so, the Moor Pig began to evolve a new appendage, that allowed them to also drain money from their victims. This new breed has since become the most dominant sub-species of Moor Pig, and the most feared.

Identifying Moor Pigs[edit]

The modern Moor Pig is not hard to identify, as the most hearty breed alive today consistently disguises itself as video game software. Though it's not easy to spot a Moor Pig from a regular video game on the surface, playing it reveals quickly that you've found a Moor Pig when you realize that the last time you looked at the calendar, it was 4 months ago and you had $100 more in your bank account. Moor Pigs frequently delude their victims into thinking they're having fun by letting them slowly build up a video game character in power at a rate of approximately ten thousand times slower than any actual video game allows for. To ensure that their victims continue to play, they will often undo weeks or months of their victims' misguided playing by killing their characters and taking away everything their victims accomplished recently.

Taming Moor Pigs[edit]

Don't be silly, you can't tame a Moor Pig. Everybody who has ever claimed they have was actually in the late stages of being fully consumed by one.

Surviving a Moor Pig Attack[edit]

Though it is possible to keep living after a Moor Pig has drained you, it's unlikely that you'll ever return to the previous state you were in. Your social life will inevitably have collapsed over the course of being drained (Moor Pigs are known to feast on victims for years at a time), your bank account will likely be empty or close to it, and your ability to enjoy life will just generally be nonexistent. Be wary of the toxins emitted by a Moor Pig during their consumption, as well: they frequently cause the victims to think that they enjoyed being consumed by Moor Pigs, even years after they've been thoroughly destroyed by one, and have been known to cause Moor Pig victims to seek out a new Moor Pig to feast on them.

Multiple Moor Pig Attacks[edit]

Occasionally, Moor Pigs will gang up on humans and multiple ones will consume a human at once. This is an especially frightening sight to behold, and the victim almost always ends up a lifeless-yet-animate husk when the Moor Pigs have finally had their fill. The most frequent victims of these attacks are past victims, and current victims who are especially susceptible to Moor Pig toxins.