Moose
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“Ze Moosenveis be ze Uvbernesz!”
“come back here you walking plate of meat!!!!”
“My sister was bitten by a moose once.”
~ Brother of sister who carved her initials on a moose
“MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE!”
~ Oscar Wilde on a moose
Moose (pl. Moosen/Meese) are the largest of the Platypus family (nature's stoner looking animal). But unlike their amiphibious cousins, the preferred vernacular for a group of moose is, in fact, a Pod, as in a Pod of Moosen. Well known for their abilities in the destruction of rurally owned cars and love of late-night countryside jaywalking, moosen enjoy long walks on the beach and talking about life.
The entire species is currently involved in a nasty legal case with a number of Canadian Ice Hockey teams and Watford F.C. for copyright infringement concerning the misuse of their image.
[edit] Characteristics
The female moose, which is extremely demented in nature, will go to all lengths to protect her young. She has been known to bite the ears off of male moose in order to protect her young from being shot. This is the reason the moose dinner count is decreasing in Alaska. During mating season, the moose do have specific calls they emit if they are ready to breed. At night if you hear this and you are a man, run as fast as you can. The cow moose will attack anything she can to get "a piece". She will be extremely violent in nature and is the dominant of the species. If you see a bull moose, you should buy it a beer and give him a high five for being so damn awesome. In Scotland, however, a moose is a wee, cowering, timorous beastie that eats cheese and is preyed upon by cats. CAUTION!!MEESE ARE NOT GOING TO HURT YOU UNLESS YOU EAT AN ELECTRICAL CORD!!
A female moose will always smell like roses and lilies, but the male moose will smell of corn syrup and Moose shit.
The plural of moose is moosen, though not to be confused with mice which is the plural of mouse. A group of moosen is called a pod, not to be confused with a poop.
The Swedish moose has the odd ability to jump and hover. No professional moose watcher has been able to figure out why the hell a moose needs to hover. It has been speculated by non-professionals that they may be meditating transcendentally.
The Norwegian moose (alces alces norvegicus) has to eat at least 400 kg (882 lb) of Chicken Paste - every day - to stay alive. The female moose, or "a cracking bit of stuff", gives birth to a litter of 40-60 calves, each weighing only around 5 grams (0.18 oz, which is approximately 2.7 grams) at birth. For the first few days after birth she protects the calves by carrying them around inside her mouth cavity, hence the popular myth that the moose gives birth through the mouth. The young acquire their adult weight of 9-12 metric tons in just a few short summer months.
The bull's antlers contain a powerful hallucinogen known by the locals as bære tøys, and which can immobilize any natural enemy within seconds. Paradoxically this is also the main reason for the moose's status as an endangered species, as they are being hunted down by ruthless criminals supplying the drug to a growing illegal market. Moose also have a major role in text-baseth-adventure games (of course).
The C-17 is another type of moose that is found primarily in Australia, North America, and Europe. This moose has the capability of flight.
[edit] Moose Hunting
Moosen are often hunted for their minty fresh taste, however they most often fall victim to a pussy-ass redneck who would rather take it out with one shot from far away using a shotgun or a rifle instead of facing it like a man (or lesbian). Real men hunt moose using uzis. There's more of a challenge in trying to take down a charging moose that's five yards away from you with a weak-ass gun than there is in just shooting it down in one shot from a mile away like some pansy. If you don't own an uzi you could however take a moose on in a bare knuckle brawl the winner gets to eat the loser and this adds a slightly more competitive edge too. It has also been said that vodka can attract moose, but this has been debunked as communists do not possess a moose cavalry of any kind, unlike the aberigianes (which commonly use the C-17 moosen as seen above being in Australia and all.
A moose will kill you. With big, sharp, pointy teeth. And claws and its laser vision.
“Hunt Me? Ha! You puny mortals wouldn't stand a chance!”
~ Supermoose on His Computer
Established in 2008, the Moose HUnTTers are a bunch of crazy Australians that have only heard of the moose through the tales of "Gandhi goes to University" and spend their time owning kids who have no respect for the absurdity of good humour (moose genitalia) over the award-winning lethal epidemic Gears Of War.
[edit] Moose Fishing
“Sure, I did it once... high five for war amps!”
~ Oscar Wilde on moose fishing
A nearly forgotten trade of the Norwegian rulers (as well as staplers, pencils and various other supplies). The premise of this act is still under investigation by the scientists originally hired to solve global warming. Ancient Norwegian manuscripts state that moose fishing requires a fishing rod and a rabid polar bear. While riding the fishing rod, throw the polar bear at the moose, then reel in any remnants you can get before the polar bear turns on you. At which point, shift your fishing rod into 6th gear and return to your stronghold. Other details are unclear at this time.
[edit] Moose Huffing
Are you kidding? Unless you're accomplished at getting huge objects rammed down your throat, huffing moosen will really fuck you up, and not in a good way. Stick to kittens.
[edit] The moose army
The moose also forms The Moose Army, which protects the Restricted Area in Kristiansand. Moosen are typically bred and raised for their great skills in the fields of nooblet pwning. The moose army is headed by a megalomaniac Canadian only known as "Horton". It is suspected that he retreats to his maple syrup production facility to coordinate his operations. The Moose Army is constantly at war with the Headcrab Army of thepiespy that started over a cherry and two leaves.
[edit] The Photonic Moosen
A lesser known subspecies of the moose is the Photonic Moose (Photonicus Alces). Photonic moosen have been genetically created by Canadians for Canadians. While the very first photonic moosen were used to liberate Europe during WWII, the vast majority of them are now massed along the US border, ready for THE invasion. Their very photonic nature makes them invisible to all, and that includes the Canadians.
[edit] Involvement of Moosen in the Krazy Kanadian Kavalry
In addition to The Moose Army, moose also serve as mounts for the ice hockey soldiers of the Krazy Kanadian Kavalry. Wild moose are hunted as sport by Krazy Kanadian Kavaliers, however, and thus have an extreme rivalry with their Triple K brethren. whose white pointed hoods are derived from anti-moose wear developed by Kedwig Icedober in the late eighteenth century, the mechanics of which are quite simple, when one views a moose and its mount attacking from afar one places the then lead filled headpiece on the ground attach the ceremonial robe to it through the eye and mouth pieces and inflate the bottom half with the internal hand pump and orient the now 14ft opening toward your attacker then stand in front of it in your now stark naked state and wait. When your attacker gets within 4-5feet jump to one side and allow him to enter the inflated robe, the moose's antlers will puncture the robe and deflate it thus entangling the beast and his mount and the lead filled headpiece will drag them to a screaming halt (literally)then you can pull a large beating device of some kind out of its concealed position in the bushes and beat your foes to death. these grizzly traps were used admirably and scenes of robe covered carnage were common until the Krazy Kanadian Kavalry technicians finally came up with the technology needed to attach flamethrowers to the antlers of their steeds and after that they gained the upper hand in just about everything they did.
All of the moose in the moose army can bite through solid steel giving them some of the most powerful jaws in the animal kingdom. They have been known to gnaw through concrete with no harm to their teeth. there is also a newly discovered breed that resides in the Santa-Fe sewers that is invincible. The military has been investigating this type but to no avail- All have succumbed to the unforgiving jaws of the moose.
[edit] The Art of Moose-Fu and it's controversy
Moose-Fu is a ancient fighting style god himself invented to kick Satan's ass. Moose-Fu fighting style is composed of kicks, punches, vocal grunts and various other epic maneuvers. Satan was infuriated that god would pull such a bitch move, Satan made his own style of fighting also based off of the moose's movements and was dubbed "Moose Kun-Do" A epic battle of the fighting styles proceeded shortly after.
The Moose Brigade is a movement started by moose to withstand Moose-Fu. It is made up of four guys who sit around a table wondering where in Nova Scotia they are. One of these men is a professional moose-sniffer.
[edit] Citation
Mynd you, møøse bites kan be pretti nasti (Horst Nordfink's brother-in-law) A møøse once byt mye sister.
[edit] Plurals with My Chemical Romance
The English language has recently been appended to include moosen as the plural to moose.
Former incorrect guesses at what the plural form would bee include:
Moose.
Moosen.
Mooze.
Mice.
Meesen.
Meeses.
Moozes.
Mooses.
Moes.
Moozles.
Moo.
Mias.
The band My Chemical Romance had an argument on its plural:
Frank: "Has Gold finger ever had a flock of mooses advancing on him? It's a terrifying sight."
Mikey: "That's not the plural of moose, it's moosi."
Gerard: "Fuck off, it's meese."
The band argued until a vengeful moose came down and ate them. Only the drummer Bob Bryar survived to tell the tale. "It was like some kind of Attack of the Living Meese, and I was like the hero of the film". M. Shadows (Moose Shadows) from Avenged Sevenmeese critically acclaims he saw it with his own eyes!
[edit] Moose in Football
Moose pronounced "mooooooooooooose" is a term used to describe a inaccurate usually powerful shot.
"Mooffside" is used to describe a moose playing off the side of the road resulting in a green card and a moosalty-kick for the opposing team.
[edit] Little Known Moose Facts
The moose has been known to attack and sodomize random people out in the woods.
- Around 13% of all moose attacks are caused by drunk moose?
- Since the moose is of a larger species than the human it has more thrusting power, but will do it not as quickly as the average man. The moose will take up to 7 minutes before layering his lover with a rare substance known as moose goo.
- Moose are the ones responsible of 2pac's death.
- Moose celebrate Talk Like a Pirate Day.
- They know what is hidden in Area 51.
- Moose are the result of a natural 20 rolled by God.
- Moose is the main ingredient of Heineken.
[edit] Space Moose
Space moosen have invaded earth and are bieng kept secret by the US government.
They are in no relation to the moosen on the moon, and are not to be confused with the bears on Saturn.
[edit] See also
- Baby Seal
- Moose Hunting
- Lobstermoose
- Killer moose
- Savethemooses and why
- Suicidal Moose
- Bull mouse
- llamas
- Finland
- Sweden
- Pubic hair
- Camel
- User:MoosePie
