Morbus Jesus

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“Harder to get rid of than syphilis and deadlier than Malaria. And it itches in your really don't want that one.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Morbus Jesus

Morbus Jesus, also known as Jesuitis, the Jesus Syndrome (not to be confused with the novel of the same name by Dan Brown) or the Crucifixion Disease is a disease that occurs mainly in and around Palestine (historically Judea, located just near sand dune #241, behind the rock that's shaped like Winston Churchill). It infects between one and two people every two thousand years. Nearly rooted out today, it was much more prominent in the past where it occurred almost exclusively in the Roman empire.


Stay clear of the infected.

Classical symptoms of Morbus Jesus include the ability to walk on water, turn water into wine, raise the dead and multiply food (bread and fish in most cases, though in more recent times shrimps and tacos have also been observed). It also affects the brain, specifically the praefrontal antitemporal shiny things cortex and the lower-upwards fluffy kittens center (located just above the cuddle-fluffy-kittens lobe) leading to spastic seizures, random uttering of hebrew expletives and water/wine transformation around the victim, often leading to mass intoxication of people nearby. The Sufferer may also hear voices proclaiming divine orders and angelic gossip, and hallucinate about giant bearded men in the sky.

Other symptoms may consist of growing a beard and/or long hair, wearing nothing but a towel, random impaction of lightning around you, fear of Roman law enforcment officers and spontaneous changing of your name to Jesus, Savior, Christ or Brian (or a combination of those) of Nazareth.

Untreated, the mortality rate of the affected is 100%, and ends always in being nailed to a cross or similar structure with your lifefunctions ceasing after hours of exquisite pain and agony, though some, for example Thomas (64, Palestinian resident) claim that "there are worse things, like being stabbed". However, death is but a door and time is but a window – you’ll be back...


One possible causative organism, the Jz-us-4-Phage.

The mechanics of the infection are not entirely clear, but it appears to be a hereditary disease, since many of the victims were related to god or other religious and angelic figures. Scientists discovered a fault on the divine XXX chromosome which may be responsible for this condition.

Other ways of being infected include a giant hand reaching down through the clouds touching you on your genitals, or being bitten by gods and dogs, which begs the question of whether God is a Dog or if Dogs are Gods, or if possibly 'Dog' is just 'God' spelt backwards.

After being bitten by a God (or a Dog, or a Dog-God or vice versa), you must disinfect the wound thoroughly with alcohol or mustard gas within 48 hours to avoid infection. Even for some hours after infection, a remote chance of survival still remains through severing of the contaminated body part. However, after a successful operation you have to dispose of the severed tissue, because failure to do so will result in the revival of said body part after the third day who then will continue to terrorize the innocent populace of earth.


Treatment of this disease is extremely difficult and functional methods have only been discovered recently. Antiviral and antibacterial agents like Penisciline have been shown to be ineffective. Working treatments include reverting to satanism, sinning as much as possible and keeping away from cross-shaped objects.

Side effects of said treatments may include transformation into the anti-christ, death by terminal condom failure or exhaustion, fear/allergy to holy water (producing an itchy sensation on contact) and the urge to bite other people.


This STD has been canonized by the Pope for its
     blessed fight against the use of evil condoms.