Morgan Freeman
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Nigga please! I ain't lickin' yo! titty!”
~ Morgan Freeman's first words
Morgan Freeman (full name CLICK ClICK MORGAN CLICK FREEMAN) (1423-2389) was an African American (possibly Zambian) Actor and the former President of the United States. Today he's currently known as 'God'. He also works part time as a bounty hunter,he loves the thrill of arresting white men instead of him being arrested.
Contents |
[edit] History
Morgan Freeman (a.k.a. God) came into existence hundreds of years ago. However, his voice has been around since there was nothing, narrating that nothing. Everything that has happened since nothing has been narrated by Morgan Freeman's voice, even the birth of Morgan Freeman, who grew up in a family of New Orleans Katrina survivors."We were stuck on the woof for twee days when I birfed my baby Morgan!" exclaimed his semi retarded mother(who was possibly on on crack, but no one knows for sure). In January 1987 he had sex with Hilary Duffs mum and met his daughter Hilary in 2000.
When Morgan was just 3/4 of two years old, he gave birth to his son, the the great actor, and very possibly Jesus... Will Smith and his daughter, Regis Philbin, who was killed from a massive haeart atttack caused by clogged arteries form fried chicken. He nursed his young until they they were strong enough to fly out the nest on their own.
After a short stint as a children's reading teacher, a chauffeur to Tippi Hedron's mother-in-law, and President of the United States during the Terrible Sinking of Tea Leoni, Freeman achieved "god-hood" and managed to save the wretched soul of The Riddler and helped Batman with his cocaine addiction too.
Morgan's career took a turn for the worst after he accidentally slipped and caused the holocaust, which he instantly blamed on Barrack Obama's grandmother, Adolf Hitler who recently faked her own death to skip paying taxes. He became unemployed due to lack of creativity and then went on a murderous rampage in the hope of killing his mortal enemy George Bush.
He finally got a job as a Catholic Priest after a sex scandal with several kids he was promoted to God
After his part-time job as the Alpha and Omega, Freeman moved on to greater things as a travelling salesmen of a wonder product made from his very essence. This product was called the Sham-Wow. This product was like a "shammy, like a towel, like a sponge." Morgan also went out and found the most prostitute beating person to play in the commercial. This idea soon backfired on Morgan.
A little known fact is that he also moonlights as UN Secretary General Kofi Annan, as can be seen in the sidebar pictures.
The disembodied, narrating voice of Freeman will unmercifully, grotesquely murder, then disembowel, and finally sodomize the disembodied, narrating voice of Fred Savage during Ragnorok, the final battle.
Morgan Freeman is also responsible for Buddha's popularity, providing Buddha with his ideas and powers.
Morgan Freeman then found his calling as a pimp with his famous saying, "Go make daddy some Lettuce
Morgan Freeman is also known for being the first person to star in every movie in the history of ever, even "Welcome to Goodburger". Skeptics may say that it is impossible for Morgan Freeman to be in every movie but Standford scientists (with the help of Old Gregg and Lebron James have found that it is scientifically possible. That and the movie credits always list him as starring in the movie.
Recently, due to a severe mishap, Morgan Freeman's face was accidentally grafted onto a Kettle. This caused him to quit movies and settle into boring poorly made English soaps. appearances include: Coronation street as that annoying woman's kettle and End Easters as that kettle on the back of that truck.
It is also a well known fact that no life is on other planets because Morgan Freeman said so, and he is God so, it's true.
He died when he attempted to walk on water.
He was later resurrected by the disembodied voice of, his son, Will Smith (AKA Jesus). Now he has stared in recent films such as... the original AMERICAN GANGSTER, but was assaulted later in the movie for condemning the life of his nonbelievers
Freeman was also with heavy metal band Avenged Sevenfold for a short time while front man M. Shadows was taking a leave of absence. Freeman took his place and made an album with them called, "Pinkerton's Palace". Instead of their regular heavy metal sound, "Pinkerton's Palace" took a bold new sound, mostly bluegrass and polka. It was reported that Freeman got excessively drunk during most of the recording and said to guitarist Zacky Vengeance, "Get out of my face or I will throw your bitch-ass down. I'M GOD MOTHER-". Freeman was thrown out of the studio. When the album was released, it was a complete disaster, selling only 5 copies, all of which were purchased by Freeman himself. The only positive review of the album came from Polka Weekly. It said that "'Pinkerton's Palace' is a milestone in bluegrass music." Freeman said in an interview, "'Pinkerton's Palace' is the greatest album ever made. Anyone who disagrees can drop dead. I'M GOD MOTHER-".
[edit] Narration Business
As Morgan Freeman wrote in his autobiography, "EversinceIwasalittleboy,peoplehaveenjoyedthesoundofmyvoice.AndIfiguredyoueitherget busytalkinoryougetbusydyin'. There are no spaces because Morgan Freeman invented the English Language and decided he didn't need to use them anymore. The work is really quite easy. Why even right now I'm just sitting in a chair, sipping some tea and reading from a script. The wall is covered in something that resembles egg crates except they're soft and spongy, like a twinkie...like a twinkie."
[edit] Disputed facts
It has been speculated by many people that Morgan Freeman, Nelson Mandela and Kofi Annan are the very same person who manages to quickly switch identities. The true identity of Morgan Freeman / Kofi Annan / Nelson Mandela is an unknown fact, but there have been claims that it is actually God who descended to earth to teach humanity about their errors. That makes him a reincarnation of Carlos Mencia.. which I really don't think makes any sense.
According to Oscar Wilde, he also might be in some sort of relation with a theoretical physicist Gordon Freeman.
Also, Steven Spielberg said that Freeman had taken his soul in exchange for a jar of marmalade. Although police have searched thoroughly and Freeman has denied ever doing so, Spielberg has recently been eating a lot of marmalade.
[edit] Jail Time
It was documented in his autobiography, The Guy Who Digs a Hole Behind the Poster of the Popular Sex Symbol, that Morgan Freeman went to jail. The details of his arrest and subsequent trial are widely disputed but many believe it involved him "gettin' down wit teh boyz" and only escalated from there, culminating in the assassination of President Kennedy. HI BRIAN !!!!
[edit] Awards
Morgan Freeman has won a number of prestigious awards, such as the Oscars for Best Actor, Best Supporting Actor, Best Director, Best Art Direction, Best Narrator, Best Supporting Actress in a Transvestital Role, Best Cosby Kid, Best Blacktor, Best Man, Best Western, Best Buy, Best God, and Best Sound Mixing and Quality. Morgan freeman is also the only known person to have won a chess game in only 3 moves. 2 of which were his opponents.
[edit] Filmography
- 1,000,000,000BC- The bible (this movie was never seen because they recorded it on betamax but the book version was very popular)
- 1944 - I Am An Old Black Man
- 1989 - Driving Up Daisies
- 1995 - Se7ered
- 1998 That-movie-with-the-big-rock-heading-for-earth-that-wasn't-as-good-as-the-other-one-with-the-big-rock-heading-for-earth -- World President
- 1999 - There's Something About Morgan
- 2000 - The GotShanked Redemption (2000) -- The Pitcher
- 2002 - The GotShanked Redemption 2: Karma's a Bitch -- The Catcher
- 2001 - Me Myself and Morgan Freeman.
- 2003 - That-movie-where-Jim-Carrey-is-God -- Himself.
Morgan Freeman prepares his Special Beam Cannon
- 2004 - Morgan You Bargained For (2004) -- Himself (Narrator)
- 2005 - War of the Wanks
- 2005 - The War on Terrorism
- 2005 - Robert's Rules of Order: The Movie -- U.S. Secretary of the Interior
- 2006 - The Ass Crack
- 2006 - Ten Boners or Less
- 2006 - Click -- The Controller, and Christopher Walkers Character.
- 2006 - The Narrator -- The Narrator (voice over)
- 2007 - The Bucket Ass
- 2007 - Feast of Animal Love
- 2007 - Wrong with Baby WRONG
- 2007 - Heaven all Shitey
- 2007 - 10 Things Morgan Freeman Hates About You
- 2008 - The Maidens Snatch
- 2008 - Thick as S..t
- 2008 - The Dark Sh..e
- 2008 - pOwned
- 2008 - The Raisin in the Sh.t
- 2009 - The Last Legal Pleasure
- 2009 - Rendevous with a Rimmer
- 2009 - The Human Fuck.r
- 2009 - Morgans vs. Aliens 3D
- 2009 - X-men Origins: Freeman
- 2009 - The Freeman Conspiracy - One Man, One God, One Voice, Five Identities.
"GET YA SWASH ON!!!! CAUSE I SAID SO... AND I'M GOD" the future last words of Morgan Freeman.. yes.. I already know his last words.
| BAD MOTHERFUCKERS | |
| Dirty Harry | Samuel L. Jackson | Bruce Lee | Jet Li | Ving Rhames | Teddy Roosevelt | Chow Yun-Fat |
