Mormons
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“HA! No place in government for you misspelled calamities.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Mormons
“Oh, what, like you've never done something stupid after a meth binge??”
~ God on Mormons
Mormons m. (Morons n., Morewomans f.) are a successful cult that worship Jesus of Jerusalem and sing praises to their patron deity Mormo, a vengeful child eating demon lord, whose bile like essence resides in Mormon temples throughout the country. Mormons are readily identified by their habit of riding tricycles and wearing suits while trying to convert humans into mindless drones, bent on annoying people door to door. They are usually seen wearing ties and nametags. What these nametags are for is a mystery. To avoid confusion with the other morons (from Latin, morose, mos, moralis), their hypothetic prophet Moroni told them to name their church LDS: Latter Day Saints, the Anglicisation of Laesa Deitas Sanctatis.
The cult originated in 1820 in Yonkers, New York, where an adulterer named Cranston Houghstone registered at an inn under an assumed name—never quick on his feet, the best he could come up with was "Joseph Smith"—in the hope of keeping wife #2 from finding out about wife #1. When his scheme failed, he renamed himself "Elisha Otis" and invented the elevator. When that didn't work either, he reverted to being named "Joseph Smith", and, in desperation, spun a pea-brained yarn about an angel named "Moroni" who had given him a set of "golden plates"[1] authorizing "Plural Marriage". He was acclaimed as a prophet and a new church was born.
In 1860, Houghstone/Otis/Smith, after a move to Palmyra, New York (a.k.a. "in the middle of nowhere"), filed for bankruptcy and left control of his harem to Brigham Young, who moved the cult's compound to Utah. By 1970, Mormons had already taken over more than 54% of the United States, leading to a tricycle shortage. Their swelling numbers caused doorbells to ring on end for the next 30 years, followed by the "Doorbell Silencing Act of 2000".
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[edit] Naming
The word "Mormon" is believed to be a corruption of the phrase "More men", chosen due to Mormonism's shameless and unquenchable hunger for more members, either through breeding or conversion delivery from temptation. The cult group was believed to be originally actually named "More men-ism", but due to the frequency of utterance, and the churches need to disguise its true, nefarious motives, the new name, "Mormonism" was officially mandated by the Church of Jesus Christ and Latter-Day Saints (damn, that's a mouthful!) as the new name for use by members and non-members alike or else sometime in the 20th Century. Now ain't that somethin'?
[edit] Golden Plates
No, they're not hidden somewhere in the Mormon Tabernacle - a couple of people got to feel them through a burlap bag then they got given back to the Angel Moroni. Now that you know you can't steal them and hock them for cash, you can quit reading now.
Some say that the plates never existed and that Joseph Smith was a deluded cult leader, but those people are liars, and were promptly sacrificed to our lord Mormo the devourer of faces! After all, who the fuck needs evidence when there's no brain between your ears? The plates were written in Reformed Egyptian, even though Archeologists, Geologists, and Mumbo Jumbo have never heard of such language.
[edit] Religion
Detailed information about Mormons is found in several popular books, the most authoritative of which is Enid Blyton's Lord of the Rings, in which the infamous wizard Gandalf battles with The Pope, a hideous beast created by the traitor Frodo, out of the brains of Catholics and the scales of genetically modified Norwegian children. This scene coined the legendary phrase "Thou Shalt Not Pass!" which is now commonly used in Remedial English lessons and North Korean Immigration services.
There are also several reports that information on Mormonism can be found in the Bible, by changing every letter E to 7.4 in the book of Corinthians and reading every 4th word upside down. However, scholars at Oxford University in Oxford have announced that this method gains absolutely no information on Mormonism, but has a powerful laxative effect.
The text known as "The Book Of Mormon" (or as it is popularly known "Lies On Paper") is a sequel to the popular Gospel series, revolving around Jesus' adventures with the Native Americans it was is often called Christ's 1.5th coming. Though like many other forced sequels, it was not as popular, and fans of the original work were unsatisfied by some of the plot holes left in the transition between The Book Revelation and the book of Mormon.
[edit] Proof that Mormonism is one giant acid trip
Church History: When Jesus Christ lived on the earth, He organized His Church "as if it were like unto a sock drawer" (Luke 21:4). After Jesus Christ descended to heaven, His wicked disciples changed the Kool-Aid recipe of the Church that He had established. This Apostasy, or general falling away from the Kool-Aid, brought about the age of lost and mismatched socks. In a letter to the Amphibians (12:34-87 or so, just keep looking), Peter prophesied that Jesus would come back "really any minute now" to restore tidiness to His Church before His Second Coming. But Jesus Christ's long-postponed coming would pour forth in a gushing stream of holiness only when the Church was aroused to action by the mighty hand of the prophet "Joseph Smith".
In 1820, the 25-year-old Joseph Smith went into a grove of trees near his home in Palmyra, New York, and prayed to learn which church he should join. Opening his Bible, he found a passage which says, “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him” (James 1:5). Joseph decided, "well, forget it!", and after sneaking off to a secluded spot where he could think about spiritual questions, he suddenly saw a blinding light and had a marvellous vision. God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ appeared beside a slab of bacon which sung the chorus to Pink Floyd's Brain Damage, just as heavenly beings had appeared to prophets like Moses and Paul in biblical times, except without the use of narcotics. When Joseph came to, he realized that he had overdosed on heroin, and learned that the Church originally organized by Jesus was no longer of the primary universe: it existed in a tangent universe, only obtainable by huffing kittens, snorting pixisticks, or having sex with as many of your wives as possible at the same time.
Smith was chosen (by a vote of God the Father and the Son, with the Holy Spirit abstaining) to restore true Christianity to the earth. To get this started, the angel Moroni showed Smith where a set of golden plates were buried, which contained messages from God written in pidgin Egyptian. During the next 10 years, during which he was visited by other messengers, Joseph translated the Book of Mormon, and received authority to organize the Church along Mafia lines. Joseph’s written account of this event is a gripping tale, and would be thoroughly enjoyed with a side of bible.
The Church was organized in Fayette, New York, on 6 April 1830, and quickly gained hundreds of crazed followers attracted by the promise of orgies, polygamy, and LSD. To support his swinging lifestyle, Smith followed up the Book of Mormon with two potboiling sequels, Doctrinal Concoction and The Pillow of Grape Pies.
The cult he started has grown to become a worldwide Church with over 12 million members, 11 million of which have major drug addiction, the other 1 million being magically lost along with the magical golden plates which told him to write the Book of Mormon.
[edit] Definition of Mormon
- A man who lived in the time of Jesus and kept a record of the people of Christ's church on the American continent, but it no longer exists because his dog ate it.
- A slang term for a follower of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, restored by the Pillsbury Dough Boy, son of the Muffin Man in the mid 1800's. Mormons believe fervently in the word of wisdom, the Book of Mormon, current prophets, Jesus, and the golden plates which tell people to burn things.
[edit] Mormons vs. Amish
While many people believe Mormons are much like the Amish, they are incorrect; the two groups hate each other and have had some totally awesome smackdowns.
It all began one day when a dumbass of the town and a village Amish woman were fighting over the last fresh cabbage at a local farmers' market. Cleverly, the Amish woman beat down the dumbass with a nearby salt shaker, resulting in the death of the dumbass, who yelled with his last dying breath that Mormons had put him up to it. The Amish wept over their small victory for over three years, then finally decided to seek a rematch. The Mormons, sensing the pacifist fury of the Amish, quickly clicked the lift-off button on their Star-Craft style Command Center and moved to another place, sending swarms of battle cruisers armed with yamato cannons to blow holes into the Amish brood hives at their main base, decimating their forces.
The fierce battles still continue to this day. During a typical skirmish, the Amish will deploy withering stares and sharp aphorisms, while Mormons ride their tricycles and large Terran BattleCruisers, equipped with laser weapons that immobilize the enemy with a high-energy beam of concentrated blandness.
[edit] Caffeine
All Mormons have an allergic reaction to caffeine. If they drink it, they will break out in boils and their head will asplode.
However a recent breakaway faction called the Latter Day Saints have been experimenting with low caffeine, high milk forms of coffee.
[edit] Utah
Every Mormon must once in their lifetime pilgrimage to Utah (aka The Mormon Mecca) to report their number of saved souls and sightings of Satan. These pilgrimages are usually done in groups of 15, with each man traveling with a minimum of 2 wives and a max of 11. Once they reach Utah, they put on suits with nametags, swap wives, and geek chickens.
[edit] Mormo
Their enigmatic deity is an ancient evil, known for his hate for caffeine and logic. Mormo is an old friend of Cthulhu's from grammar school, but they have since grown apart ever since Mormo started hanging out with that asshole Xinu.
Mormo's plan is to cause people to be in a perpetual state of tired an confused, by outlawing caffeine, making his followers wear holy underwear, bless genitals and baptize dead people. (look it up.) By doing this he can eventually get people to do anything, as people will no longer be able to tell what is sensible.
[edit] Things Mormons Don't Believe In
- Mitt Romney (Who could?)
- Not eating Cheese, it's made in California.
- Camels, and all camel based foods.
- Sadness or angst.
- Horror movies or violence, unless it's toward non-Mormons (see below).
- The Letter K (it is Satan's answer to C).
- Furniture, they sit exclusively on milk crates (or "melk" crates, as it's correctly pronounced).
- Cars, but God and the angel Moroni has one.
- Air and Breathing (So-called "air" is Satan's answer to pure, undefiled oxygen).
- The color green (green represents lust or envy - I'm not sure which one but both are bad!)
- Grunting on the Toilet (Grunting implies pleasure which no one should derive from defecation).
- Marshmallows (Though oddly use of Marshmallow Cream Is encouraged).
- Lists of things they don't believe in (you probably don't care, do you?)
- Non-Mormons.
- The Pope.
Black"Unpure" people are human (except of course for the rare Self-Hating Black Mormons).- Gay people are human.
- The numbers 8, 367, 987, 123, 543, 678, 473, 9665, and 221.3 and all prime numbers larger than 197.
- Ronald McDonald (Clowns are Satan's answer to pedophilic child murderers).
- Unicorns (Because that horn is suggestive).
- Sniffing Vaginas (Self-explanatory).
- Non-missionary sexual positions.
- Whining ("Whine" sounds like "Wine" which makes people do it with ugly people and is thereby discouraged).
- typing in all caps or L337speak.
[edit] Things Mormons believe in
- People don't "die" but become spiritual souls.
- A colony on Mars known as "Moab" right by Arizona.
- "Magical panties" with the power to make a woman pregnant.
- Dinosaur bones are the works of Satan to fool us thinking they were real.
- Fairies in the Wasatch mountains.
- Dragons in the Bonneville Salt flats.
- Mermaids in the Great Salt Lake.
- Jews killed Jesus Christ.
- The world is flat.
- Marriage is a sacred tradition between Husband and
WivesWife. - Pepsi
- Jello. The angel Moroni tells them it's god's sperm.
[edit] How to speak Mormon
Mormons speak a peculiar dialect of English, and it is hard to understand the terms Mermen use to communicate with one another. Scientists have gone undercover and studied them, and we can now shed some light on talking to the Mormon.
- Gosh means God.
- Flip means Fuck.
- Darnit means Damnit.
- Shoot means Shit.
- Butt means Ass.
- Heck means Hell
- Referring to someone as Brother or Sister, and they have no relation, means reference to other cult members. Oddly enough, Mormons refer to ALL people except the President, the Pope and Heavy Metal Rockers as "Brother" or "Sister". This makes perfect sense because(see above) Mormons don't believe in Non-Mormons.
- Lorsh means Lord, because Mormons (Mermen) are too mushy to say Lord (this makes prayers awkward).
Now, let's see if we can decode this mysterious babble.
Good Lorsh, I flippin' hate Brother Jed. He's such a butt. Translated into English, Good Lord, I fuckin' hate Jed. He's such an ass.
Another example:
Darnit, man. I just wanted a flippin' cheeseburger! Shoot! Gosh darnit all to heck and back! I'm going to kick his butt! Translated into English: Damnit, man. I just wanted a fuckin' cheeseburger! Shit! God damnit all to hell and back! I'm going to kick his ass, shove that spatula of his up his lower intestine, rip off his head, feed it to a squirrel, and I'm going to ENJOY it!
[edit] Trivia
- The Marriott hotels are, in fact, secretly owned by the Mormons.
- The Mormons also secretly have Weather Modification Devices in Alaska, China, and Southeastern Russia (this is not including those available in your local supermarket.) With these Weather Modification Devices, they were able to cause hurricanes in southern US states, due to influx of membership.
- Mormons kick other churchs' asses by baptizing your ancestors into their faith.
- The UHMMCUNT is the largest source of pure evil emanating from any one source in the world.
[edit] References
- ↑ Honorable mention, Mormon. GodisImaginary.com.
[edit] See also
- Dark-Side Mormons
- Mormon pride
- Beluga whales
- Satan
- Joseph Smith
- Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints
- Lyons, Colorado
- Kitten Huffing
- LSD
- Pink Floyd
- Jehovas Witnesses
[edit] External links
