“I didn't catch on straight away that when I sang about 'Crashing Bores' people would think of me”
- ~ Morrissey on his music
“Why do you come here? And whiiiiiiiiiii-hi-hi-hi-hiii; why do you hang around?”
“The Morrissey” is the traditional title given to the director, choreographer and public leader of the famous Morrissey Lads Dance Company of Madchester, England. To qualify for ascension to the rank of Morrissey, a potential must adopt or possess the surname Morrissey, and have mastered the many arts of the traditional Morrissey Dance. During Morrissey dancing recitals, the Morrissey, as Leader of the dancers, looks upon the proceedings with an air of vague disinterest, pouts occasionally, growls effeminately and flails his or her arms about to signal costume changes and movement transitions.
As stated in the International Morrissey Dancing Committe (IMDC) guidebook, the “Grand Moaning,” the Morrissey is also required to adhere to a strict behavioral code. The Morrissey must:
- Foreswear all sexual contact for the duration of his or her tenure.
- Loudly proclaim this celibacy to all who will listen, “until people just stop fucking believing it and wish you’d shut up and get laid already.”
- Wear his or her hair in a Pompadour
- Adhere to a strict vegetarian diet. In fact, this requirement is strictly enforced. Violation means immediate dismissal.
Along with the title, a Morrissey inherits a large estate in Madchester, an obvious toupee, and a stipend of four groats per season served. By long standing tradition, the lead dancer in any troupe of Morrissey Dancers in the amateur circuit, or the recognized best freestyler in a city is also a designated 'Morrissey', however there can be only one The Morrissey at any given time.
These literate, whining dancers trace their lineage back to 1601 CE, the year the Troupe was legally recognized by pioneering fag hag and anti-Spaniard activist, Queen Elizabeth I. She became attached to the style of dance as a result of her advanced age, and granted The Morrissey Dancers a Royal Charter. She created the Rank of Morrissey and established Monarchical approval of appointment, which lasted until the 1640s.
The legendary playwright remains #1 in Time's Top 100 List of Frequently Misspelled Names, beating Ryan Seachriest by 4,000 votes. The first man to hold the rank of The Morrissey: pussy hating playwright. The Morrissey was granted the title in 1601, at the same time Royal Charter was granted. Johnson began Morrissey dancing as a way to cope with having failed to steal the Shakespeare from his arch-nemesis William Shakespeare during a duel in 1598. It was said that Shakespear's sister was heard to utter during the duel "throw your skinny body down, son". His tenure was marked by the establishment of many well known Morrissey conventions, including the famous Gladiolas, the rite of Celibacy, and the absolute allegiance to the cult of Demi-God Oscar Wilde.
Ben Jonson led the company for nearly 25 years (From 1601 to 1623), and established many elements and techniques which are now considered integral to proper morrissey dancing. Among these are:
- Usage of ceremonial Gladiolas
- The requirement of celibacy. (This was enacted in 1615, to quell rumors surrounding the group's activites)
- Near-worship of Oscar Wilde.
- Creation of standard moves, including the Morrissey Punch, and the Morrissey hair-sweep.
Other famous Morrisseys
- Mary Wollstonecraft The first female Morrissey, held the title from 1791 to 1797, when she died after incorporating a live childbirth into Morrissey Dancing. The shocking violation of the celibacy rules left the Morrissey Dancing community reeling for years after. This child was named Julia, and years later she would follow in her mother's footsteps as the third female Morrissey.
- The Morrissey Known As Morrissey Tenure lasted from 1979 to 1992. Noteable for resigning in disgrace, followed by exile to the United States. In the USA he has founded the rival style of Mozzing, and has vigorously argued for its inclusion in the Olympics. His fanatical followers have recently been linked to dangerous incidents of violence.
- Yuchi Kazatoto The first ever Japanese Morrissey was a radical choice as Morrissey from 1812-1818 with many senior Mozzers finding themselves disillusioned with the new Morrissey, the Eastern League of Morrissey was formed in Ankara, Turkey with Robert Smith of The Cure, fame being made inaugural Morrissey. Morrisseyism was later reconciled when Kazatoto was revealed to be the long lost step brother of Johnny Marr, intent on bringing Morrissey down. Kazatoto was executed by being thrown into the river Mersey on a bicycle on March 17th 1818.
- Brandon Flowers is the American Morrissey. In early performance, Flowers is seen to whip his microphone cord and raise his eyebrows. Flowers's surname is Flowers, which links to Morrissey's use of flowers (not Brandon, actual flowers) in his early Smiths performances. In this picture  Flowers is seen with Flowers in tribute to Morrissey's use of flowers in early gigs. He also wears Ray Ban Wayfarer Sunglasses like Moz and wears NHS-esque glasses.
The Morrissey Known as Morrissey
By far, the most famous Morrissey to hold this hallowed post was the Morrissey known simply as “Morrissey.” He achieved his rank by managing to be the only person from Madchester who didn’t like dance music, and was widely worshipped by English, American and Latino fanatics called “The Smiths.” These adherants proclaimed him to be God, cut their hair short, and wore thick black-rimmed glasses and combat boots. They rejected their prior lives, adopted the surname “Smith,” and loudly proclaimed that the “world won’t listen.” They were often mistaken for homosexuals, though it is far more likely they just had severe problems meeting girls.
It is alleged that Morrissey once had an affair with Oscar Wilde-with the help of the Smiths he composed the instrumental siren song "Oscillate Wildly" in an attempt to lure the Irish sex fiend back to him. Further evidence is displayed the Morrissey known as Morrissey song “Cemetery Gates (I’m Going to Pound You)” which describes an incident where he and Oscar Wilde beat up poets John Keats and William Butler Yeats in a Cemetery after Keats and Yeats accused them of plagiarism. Wilde has never outright confirmed allegations of this affair, but only laughs hysterically and winks when asked about it, occasionally patting his backside and... (Oh god...).
The Morrissey known as Morrissey became quite rich as a result of his long tenure. After leading the troupe for some 15 years, in 1992 he faced allegations that he sympathised with an extreme left-wing group of thatched-roof supporters, accusations that he had killed his uncle, and rumours that he was considerably maladjusted. Scandalized, he began an affair with Damien Hirst and used his considerable earnings to flee the country for Los Angeles. There, he has formed a splinter faction of Morrissey Dancing called “Mozzing.” The “mozzers” are bitter rivals of the Morrissey dancers, and seek to replace the Morrissey troupe as the only legitimately recognized Morrissey dancers in the Olympics.
The Morrissey known as Morrissey put "The Fear of Morrissey" into the resedents of a welsh town called Borth. He wrote a song calling armagedon via nuclear attack onto the innocent Borthians. It is widly beleved that he did this because the town of Borth's liberal attitude to dance music and puppies enraged his religious beliefs. The resulting panic caused the richer residence of Borth to buid nuclear bunkers. It was around this time Morrissey helped a girl drown in a Greater Manchester swimming pool, he passed the responsibility of the event to a sleeping life guard, while he video taped it and later wrote a song of the experience. This caused a hysteria and panic that spread to cities across the UK, including London, Birmingham, Carlisle, Dublin, Dundee and Humberside. This lead to a number of mysterious executions by hanging for local disc jockeys. Now that The Morrissey known as Morrissey has fallen from power and the threat of nuclear armagedion is no longer present the largest of these bunkers has, ironicly, been converted into the best nightclub in wales a veritable dance music heaven.
However, this Morrissey is not as good a Morrissey as Peter Gabriel, who is a better Morrissey than Morrissey himself.
But was he gay? Really, we won't judge, it'd just be interesting, you know. We think he is, but clarification would be helpful, the music is good, we won't stop listening, but for trivia reasons, after all, what if we need the answer in a pub quiz.
A reason for Morrissey's depression could be down to his parents. They moved from Ireland just before he was born. So you English can naff off, he's ours. He'd be much happier in Éire! ! !
Dr. Frank n' Furter
1979 - 1992
The current reigning Morrissey is Russell Brand, a British actor famed for his performances in the lesser known Shakespearian tragedies Men Behaving Badly and Bob the Builder. Russell quickly denounced the tyrannical excesses of his predecessor’s reign, and has spent the last 13 years working to reform and transform the troupe’s traditions, to much controversy. Brand meddled with political issues and rightfully lost all his credibility in a matter of minutes. He is now reported to work at TopMan.
The Morrissey Known as Morrissey
1992 - Present
Is Currently The Morrissey
Recent Developments in Morrissey Society
On August 26, 2005, it became known that the former Morrissey known as Morrissey had placed his Los Angeles home on the market. It is not currently known for what purpose. However this sale is concurrent with the former Morrissey’s widely reported purchase of a massive weapons cache, and the mysterious appearance of propaganda posters which espouse vague—though violent—action against as-yet undefined “infidels.” These posters can be seen especially in the Mozztown district of London, and the Moz Angeles neighborhood of Los Angeles.
The sudden appearance of such inflammatory rhetoric, combined with the widespread assumption that his Arsenal is enormous, has led expert observers of the Morrissey Dancing scene to speculate that he may be planning some kind of violent confrontation with his successor Neil, in a bid to reclaim the title he relinquished in scandal and humiliation 13 years before. However, at present this is base speculation and as his current whereabouts are unknown, it must be assumed that his intentions, as of present, are lawful.
Another rumour suggests that he has joined his former lover, Damien Hirst, in an effort to establish a South American dictatorship with the help of Nancy Sinatra. She has promised to send the US Marine Corps to this end.
After having been spotted hanging around Père Lachaise cemetery in Paris, it is feared that he is trying to turn into Jim Morrison. Watch for facial hair.
It is also speculated that the former Morrissey known as Morrissey has been found rounding up tormentors in preparation for his well publicised extra-secret storming of Pyongyang, in order to restore himself as a world power.
Strangely, Morrissey is a staunch vegetarian and animal rights activist, yet appeared in public wearing leather shoes, because "there is no alternative". (He was shocked into shame to discover that there is a viable alternative -- that is, shoes not made from leather.) Interesting.
Recently there have been reports in the press in the [UK] that a strange super-bacteria has been created by The Morrissey in his image which is known only as MRSA. Scientists agree that it has been responsible for the lengthening of fringes and for the increase in emotional behaviour amongst teenagers. Under a microscope the bacteria itself resembles a minute Gladiol, which explains why there is lots of it in hospitals as flowers naturally gravitiate towards sick people when nobody is watching.
Rumors are rampent that Morrisey had a One Night Stand with the late Freddie Mercury in 1987. However, Morrisey denies that he was ever with Mercury that night in 1987. In a letter written days before his death in 1991, Mercury wrote that he did have a fudgepacking session with Morrisey four years earlier and both were giddy about it. He even had a video to prove that Morrisey enjoyed being cornholed by him. The video was released twelve years later on Youtube in 2003, but it showed that Mercury was packing fudge with another prick, but it wasn't with Morrisey. It was with a young Tony Blair. Morrisey has yet to comment about the so-called "Buttfuck" video.
Lies Of Morrissey
Amongst the many writings of Morrissey are a collection of lies and heresies.
- "I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does"
Truth: After much lab testing, a strand of Morrissey's hair proved him as an anteater/howler monkey hybrid.
- "The more you ignore me, the closer I get"
Truth: Morrissey comes closer to you at a constant speed whether or not you ignore him. It's just more surprising if you ignore him.
- "As I live and breathe, you have killed me"
Truth: Morrissey is unkillable. Many have tried, all have failed.
- "There is a light that never goes out"
Truth: What? Where is this light? It would solve global warming!
- "If there's something you want to try, ask me I won't say no, how could I?"
Truth: Morrissey won't eat meat, even if you do want to try out a new recipe for a meat pie.
- "Meat is murder"
Truth: Meat is tasty!
- "...and death for no reason is murder!"
Truth: Death for no reason is manslaughter.
- "I like you"
Truth: Whilst you may like Morrissey, it is a well publicised fact that Morrissey does not like you. Or, in fact, anyone.
- "Everyday is like Sunday..."
Truth: This man does not know the days of the week. There is post all week but not Sundays. Last time I checked, I get post on Thursdays.
- "I would go out tonight, but I haven't got a stitch to wear"
Truth: Morrissey owns several charming pink suede dresses. He could wear those.
- "I know I'm unlovable"
Truth: Morrissey is quite lovable. That's why he is so evil. However, by lovable, I mean that wet kitten kind of lovable. So pathetic that you like it.
- "So one day, if you're bored, by all means call me"
Truth: Morrissey doesn't list his phone number, so even though I am quite bored, I apparently can not call him.
- "You know I couldn't last"
Truth: Since 1983, we've been fighting Morrissey. He clearly can last.
- "Hey Gringo, it's sad though, because it's hard to walk tall when you're small"
Truth: It is nigh impossible to walk tall when you're small.
- "I've changed my plea to guilty"
Truth: Morrissey later said that he isn't sorry. Clearly, he didn't change his plea.
- "I keep mine hidden"
Truth: I don't know what he is referring to here, but I don't think he keeps it hidden.
- "You can shoot me, or you can throw me off a train"
Truth: He seemed less than pleased to be shot or thrown from a train, despite his offer.
- "Girlfriend in a coma, I know, I know, it's serious"
Truth: Morrissey's only girlfriend 'Gwen' was questioned in 1995 about her coma. She denied that she had ever been in a coma, yet she controversially claimed in a 2002 interview that "I would stay in bed for weeks and he would think I was in a coma. I decided a joke was a joke when he wrote a song about me".
- "Armageddon - come Armageddon! Come, Armageddon! Come!"
Truth: Morrissey is afraid of being destroyed in a nuclear war.
- "I've never had a job, because I've never wanted one."
Truth: Morrissey performs and records music for a living. It's clearly a job he wants to do.
- "The Queen is Dead"
Truth: Elton John is very much alive.
- "There's a naked man standing, laughing your dreams / You know who it is, but you don't like what it means"
Truth: There is not a naked man, standing and laughing in our dreams and therefore, we can't possibly know who he might have been and therefore the whole situation having any meaning is impossible. But if there had been a naked man it would not be Morrissey. It would be Lionel Richie.
- "The joke isn't funny anymore"*
Truth: I laughed today and it was definitely in response to joke. Reductio ad Absurdam & Modus Tollens, Morrissey.
- "Margaret on the Guillotine"
Truth: Her Majesty Margaret Thatcher had never been within the proximity of a guillotine.
- "I'm throwing my arms around Paris"
Truth: If, as rumour suggests, that 'Paris' is indeed 'Paris Hilton', he would need to be very careful just throwing his weight around like that, The Morrissey is a big bloke and she might well snap, the scrawny bint.
- I Will See You In Far Off Places"
Truth: Morrissey cancels on average about 20 concerts per tour. So the likelihood of anyone seeing him anywhere more far off than his Los Angeles home is slim.
- "If you must go to work tomorrow, well if I were you I wouldn't bother."
Truth: If you do not go to work, you will be fired.
- "I've had my face dragged in 15 miles of shit, and I do not like it."*
Truth: It was actually 11 miles. I was there, trust me.
- "...then you'll see the glass, hidden in the grass."
Truth: After close inspection I can confidently say there is no glass hidden in the grass. There are many ants though. Many, many ants...
- "November Spawned a Monster"
Truth: November is an arbitrary way of measuring the passage of time or more precisely, it tells you how far away from having to file a tax return. It lacks the man/lady bits necessary to spawn anything.
- "I was minding my business lifting the lead off the roof of the Holy Name church"
Truth: Morrissey was actually creating and implementing the Global Financial Crisis.
- "I have forgiven Jesus"
Truth: Jesus hasn't forgiven Morrissey.
- '"Sorrow will come in the end"
Truth: Technically, decomposition will come in the end.
- "Do your best and don't worry"
Truth: Unless your best is actually shit. In that case, you should definitely worry.
- Morrissey Dancing
- The Wicker Man
- Norris Code
- The Queen is Dead
- The Boy with the Thorn in his Side
- The Truth about Morrissey
- Website of the Singer
- Importance of Being Morrissey Part Two
- Importance of Being Morrissey Part Three
All Things Wilde: A listing of everything about Oscar Wilde
|Writings & Inventions|