Moses

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

File:Moses with tablet.jpg

“Well lads... I got him down to ten, but adultery is still in.”

~ Moses on coming down from Mount Sinai

“Jesus saves; Moses invests.”

~ God

Moses (the Great Jew) is known mostly for bringing the Jews into the only place in the Middle East without oil (why else would he be roaming for years and years). He is also responsible for the enslavement of the human race by God, for which is commonly praised by Christians and Jews alike.

Moses was born to a Hebrew mother who hid him when a Pharaoh ordered all newborn Hebrew boys to be killed, and ended up being adopted into the Egyptian royal family because they clearly could not have known he was not Egyptian by his skin colour and all Egyptians have large fibres in their finger-toes. And the rain in spain stays mainly on the plain. blah blah blah! Listen, If you are reading this, try not to cry about having nothing better to do!

Moses saw God behind a bush because he didn't hallucinate after being stranded in the desert for 40 years without food and water. In his return, his hair was turned white, this was believed that he was holy through the encounter with god (and became reincarnated as Mel Brooks), not because he aged after 40 years of being homeless. Hence, he brought amongst the Egyptians, destruction. One of these special punishment he bestowed upon his victims, were frogs that were magically born from air. These frogs however, had the ability to defy physics; being capable of landing harmlessly onto the ground after several thousand feet of free-fall without splattering (this example was shown on the film). Thus to proceed with his people's great escape, he fled them to the river and with the dispersion of his hands, he defies gravity, lifting several tons of water, which to this day and age, is far beyond our technology. To this conclusion, the stone and stick wielders were far more technologically advanced than us.

Contents 1 Life before Fame 1.1 The Death of a Slave 2 The Bible 3 The Film Version 4 Life as a Politician 5 The Real 10 Commandments = 6 Footnotes 7 See also

[edit] Life before Fame

Moses was born in Israel in a gay Jewish family, but was put up for child pornography since he was ugly and had a big jew nose the Pharaoh like watching babies wash their dickz... Pharaoh had seen people washing their babies in the River Nile. (He thought that it was disgusting and wondered why they didn't use royal baths like he did.)

Baby Moses was sent to an adoption centre but didn't take to his new life. After years of causing much trouble at the adoption centre, he was finally adopted by a rich Egyptian family who thought that they could turn this young tearaway into a well-mannered young man.

[edit] The Death of a Slave

How they failed: Moses took LSD and Peyote, stayed out all night teabagging women and early morning drinking Old English in the Nile. In an attempt to set Moses straight, a slave of the family tried to persuade Moses to stay in and do his homework^[1].

Moses, being the good hearted young man that he was, anally killed the slave, giving him no other option but to flee in order to escape the Moses sausage. However, as the Pharaohs personal police force investigated the crime, it was revealed that the slave had been sleeping with one of Pharaohs wives and would have been killed anyway. Pharaoh could have emailed Moses to tell him that he had been cleared of all charges, but Pharaoh didn't have Moses' Xbox Live screenname, probably because the Xbox 360 didn't exist yet, let alone Moses having the time to register an account.

[edit] The Bible

It's already too hot without that Burning Bush, and I'm getting irritated by inferior animals not pulling their weight."]]

Moses fled to live in a youth hostel, where he stayed until the completion of the first five volumes of his book The Bible. The Bible was a choose your own adventure novel which told the tale of Moses and a divine Lord called God.

While it is commonly believed that Moses was the only writer of these volumes, there is evidence that he collaborated with his room mate, Hobab. The probable reason for Moses not including Hobab in the credits was that Hobab wanted 75% of the royalties, and if Moses didn't give it to him, he would burn the volumes at the sacrificial book burning.

This really spoke to Moses, and in God's name he decided that he couldn't trust anyone, and decided to complete the work on his own^[2].

[edit] The Film Version

Soon after Moses released the book onto the market, Steven Spielberg decided that he wanted to venture out and direct a musical based on Dan Akroyd's best selling fictional novel The Bible, based on the trials and tribulations of Little Orphan Annie and her bid to sexually dominate the world. Moses was in the book, selling handcuffs. Moses played himself and was heavily criticised for this before the first performance. The idea was to have Moses play different persona's of himself, basing them on the 17 slutss that plagued Egypt.

Here is an extract from the play:

Moses: Pharaoh, let my^[3] people go.

Pharaoh: Sure Why not.

Moses: .....uh thanks.

Pharaoh: No problem mate.

This was a part of Act IX where the plague was total darkness. This was in fact the shortest scene because the plague was very unsuccessful, mainly because people welcomed it with open arms. It just gave people extended night time, allowing them to sleep longer and stopped them from having to get up really early to work on that Pyramid in the boiling hot sun. It must have caused huge problems for the people of Egypt.

[edit] Life as a Politician

Moses took office on the top of Mount Sinai, where he used God as an advisor when he was deciding what was going to happen to his people.

During his new job, he only needed to make one little decision: decide the laws that would govern all mankind for the rest of time. So he came upon to God, and the conversation was reported as follows.

Moses: Hey God.

God: You are to lead the Jews unto Israel and deliver upon them these sacred commandments to which I endow upon you!

Moses: Can I take a pass on that one?

God: NO!!!

Moses: Alright, alright! You're the boss, but can I expect a carefree life after this?

God: NEVER!!!

Moses: Ok, yeah, that'll work too.

According to the recently discovered "Unexpurgated Dead Sea Scrolls" the Sinai dialogue went:

Moses:Most Holy Lord, I am here as thou hast summoned me.

(Silence)

Moses:Lord I am weary through a long and tiring climb. I have come and await your commands.

(Silence)

Moses: Lord, Listen to the prayers of thy humble servant.

(Thunderclap)

God: Alright alright already. You think I can be in two places at once? My life!! Now, what you want, a miracle? I got plenty miracles. You wanna see a miracle? Watch that bush over there...

Moses: But Lord.....

(Enormous bolt of lightning ignites bush)

God: How about that,then? Some miracle eh? Yours for two sheep and a goat. Can't be any fairer than that without robbing myself blind!!

Moses: But Lord.....

God: Not impressed? My life,you drive a hard bargain. Tell you what, hold your stick up!!

Moses: What?

God: Hold your stick up!! Come on come on, I haven't got all day.

Moses: But your people...

God: PUT YOUR STICK UP!!

Moses:(sigh) Alright. There you are.

SHAZAM!!!

God: Mmmm that's odd. It always worked before. Let's try it again. HOLD THE STICK STILL!!!!

SHAZAM!!!

God: Obviously needs a bit of practice. Shame. Really good mira.....

Here the manuscript ends.

[edit] The Real 10 Commandments =

When God advised Moses on what the Ten Commandments should be, he was baffled.

1. Thou shalt not go when the light is red.
2. Thou shalt clean thine clothes using only the finest soap.
3. Thou shalt never send on chain emails.
4. Thou shalt not exist in more than one place at once; I find it confusing to follow you, and my secretary always gets the files mixed up.
5. If thou decide to cheat on thine wife, make sure that you are bettering yourself.
6. Thou shalt not take a piss and wipe thine eyes immediately after so you can get pinkeye and miss school.
7. Thou shalt not write so slowly.
8. Thou shalt only write upon stone tablets as paper damages the environment.
9. Thou shalt believe in the one true God.
10. Thou shalt ignore rule 9 when it is deemed politically incorrect.
11. He who smelt it dealt it.
12. Thou shall do the dance.
13. Thou shalt not fart in the presence Of women
14. Thou shalt ingore rule 13 when the woman is the wife or girlfriend
15. Be kind rewind.
16. And above all, no matter what...*static*...for in the day thou dost thou shalt surely die. I am the Lord.
17. No poofters

It would have been impossible to have followers if he told them the real commandments, so he secretly changed them to the commandments we know and love today.

In order to change the commandments so that at least someone could live their lives by them, he crawled round the side of Mount Sinai so that he was out of view from his followers and said, "Right Moses, come on, think! If I can just get some harsh rules down, I can change them later... Ok got one, Thou shalt not steal, I'll definitely get rid of that one when we come to our destination... stealing will come in handy."

Scribing down fifteen rules onto three tablets of stone, Moses quickly rushed around to the base of Sinai and proclaimed the following to his people:

"Hear, oh Israel! The LORD, your god, has granted unto you these fifteen..."

[crack]

"Oy... Ten! Ten Commandments! For all to obey!" ^rip off of history of the world part 1, noob. It is sometimes rumoured there were once fifteen commandments. Though they have never seen official release, bootleg copies of these Commandments have shown up at swap meets.

moses was also the ultimate badass!

[edit] Footnotes

1. ↑ 3 tablets long, describing how river management schemes imposed by different people cause trouble for other users and tourists are involved with the River Nile.
2. ↑ Oh, and he ordered the 10 plagues of Egypt. But that isn't that important.
3. ↑ To be fair, they weren't his people, but for better writing Spielberg decided to use "my" instead of "my Israelite slaves". Spielberg wasn't racist then.

[edit] See also

• Jewish History
• Krav Maga
• Bible
• God
• The Ten Plagues of Egypt
• Thou