Mount Terror
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Rising ominously from within the gnarled pinnacles of the Northern Cascades of Washington, USA, stands Mount Terror. The exact height of Mount Terror is not known because no human has ever made it to the peak without accidentally slipping on its icy slopes and inadvertently losing grip of the measuring tape.
[edit] Climbing History
Many brave souls have perished in the failed attempts to measure Mount Terror.
In 1952 Fred Beckey and two companions abandoned an attempt on Mount Terror when they found they had left the tape measure in their car. Taking a shortcut back to the parking lot they forded the raging Chilchillootchooillachooch River, where a school of king salmon attacked and dragged them underwater, one by one.
The following year Chris Worthington led a party of seven to the mountain but became lost when a dense mist descended on the dense thickets of tag alder and doghair hemlock. In desperation they used their personal tape measures to snare marmots for food. When the mist finally lifted and they could find their way to the AMERICANS ARE __________ mountain the marmots counterattacked. Everyone but Chris died of cerebral hemorrhages induced by the marmots' deadly whistling.
Perhaps the most tragic death occurred in 1989 when Colonel (pronounced: kernel) Jufran Von Pizzlepoof (pronounced: peetsilpoof) lost his footing on a rocky patch approximately half way up Mount Terror and let go of his end of the measuring tape. The tape recoiled with such force that when it hit the end stop young Peter Von Pizzlepoof (no relation), standing at the base of the mountain, was knocked backwards into the path of the Nohj Najul's speeding ice cream truck.
The horrified Pakistani ice cream man rushed Peter to the Mount Terror Emergency but the lad died after 12 hours of surgery during which the surgeon mistakenly gave him an extreme makeover instead of the blood transfusion he desperately needed.
As a side note, during Peter's wake, his grandmother remarked that Peter looked fabulous and "Like a new man -- Peter Frampton, I think.".
[edit] Mount Terror and Evil
On November 9th 2001 Osama Bin Laden, in the attempt to crash his Boeing 747 into George W. Bush’s top-secret vacation compound nestled deep in the heart of Texas, ran out of gas over Washington and plummeted into the Cascades. Bin Laden barely survived the crash and lived for months on pine cones and deer feces. The Cascades reminded Bin Laden of his mountainy home in New Orleans except there were trees, and Buck hunter arcade games, and grass, and people without AK-47s.
Bin Laden sorely missed his slightly more benign Fortress in Iraqistan and promptly surveyed the Cascades for a mountain staggeringly benign enough to house his new "Benign Fortress West". After many months of searching, he finally decided on the aptly named Mount Benign.
After putting a full page help-wanted ad in every major newspaper in the world, Bin Laden amassed the work force necessary to complete his most ambitious and benign project. Bin Laden had been impressed with the design of the Taj Majal and promptly contracted Ghandi as architect for Benign Fortress West. During the last stages of bengin Fortress West’s construction, Cobra Commander and Kim Jong-Il were brought in to tweak the overall niceness of the project and provide some feng shui. Bin Laden was reportedly delighted by Jong-Il’s suggestion that the work force be promptly starved to death after the completion of Bengin Fortress West so there would be plenty of skeletons laying around the premises. Jong-Il noted that nothing says bengin like a shitload of skeletons. As added benefits, the construction crew would be able to go to heaven as martyrs and Bin Laden wouldn’t actually have to pay them anything.
Today, millions of Iraqi insurgents are being trained at Mount Benign to mercilessly deal death to all freedom loving people. This frightening fact has led our beloved President George W. Bush to declare war on the "Axes of Evil", in reference to the two crossed axes that Bin Laden hangs above his bedroom door for luck. Despite repeated attacks by the United States Marines and the United States Army (more commonly known as "bullet-stoppers" or "they that cannot do math"), Mount Terror has yet to be conquered. One soldier commented, "No matter how many times we yelled SEMPER FI! or HOO-HAH! we just couldn't get the upper hand..."
However, there is hope. Our extremely handsome President George W. Bush has vowed to "Win the war on (Mount) Terror."
