Mountain Dew
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| |
| Type | Soda |
|---|---|
| Manufacturer | PepsiCO |
| Country of origin | Mount Olympus |
| Introduced | The beginning of time |
| Discontinued | It will never be discontinued. EVER. |
| Colour | Green |
| Flavour | Its as though jesus spooged all up in yo mouth niggah. Words cannot even begin to describe its taste. |
| Ingredients | Unknown. Scientists have detected traces of morphine and Noel Coward' beard. |
| Warning | Overdose on Mountain Dew can cause your molecules to be overloaded with caffeine to the point that they are everywhere at once. Including your grandma's bunghole. |
“Ha! It's more like Mountain DON'T!”
~ Leroy M. Cohen on Mountain Dew
Mountain Dew, or Jesus Juice, is the nectar of the Gods. Can reduce your sperm count. In the times of Ancient Greece, Zeus and company got such a head ache from the drink that they took to using the aluminium cans as masturbatory aids, thus leading to the ad campaign of "Do the Dew". In ancient Texts Mountain Dew is said to be given to newborn babies, so that they can commune with the Gods. It is considered by many in our secular age to be the "Nectar of Life." Skeptics challenge this notion, narrowing it down to one of three "Nectars of College Life."
Mountain Dew was the inspiration for the Beatles' Dew anthem "Why Don't We Dew It in the Road?". The song title is, of course, an allusion to the well-known phenomenon of cross-border trafficking into Canada of U.S.-made Mountain Dew: Canada's domestic version being notoriously and woefully void of caffeine and other nutrients found in the patented U.S. version.
Mountain Dew is created from a mix of ground-up pieces of mountains and dew harvested from grass. These ingredients are collected by under-aged Chinese children. As payment, the under-aged Chinese children are given some Mountain Dew in order to sustain their life. The mountains and dew are then fused with caffeine through the aid of Ukrainian peasants armed with superpowers since Chernobyl who sit around a large bowl swishing the Mountains and dew. The peasant spit is added to carbonated water and the drink is sold worldwide. A dash of old anti-freeze (and you wondered what they do with that stuff) and voilà, Mountain Dew!
Mountain Dew makes a perfect substitute for plasma if a patient is losing blood quickly. While saving numerous lives, this has lead to an outbreak of Dew addicts, whose addiction can only be ended by the elusive Red Bull, much like methadone for heroin addicts. The record BMDP (Blood Mountain Dew Percentage) is 96%: This is held by a monk living on a desert island in the China Sea.
Mountain Dew also makes a refreshing enema. This can be either chilled or heated for effect or as a matter of personal preference.
Mountain Dew, a unique chemical, can also be used as a commercial grade lubricant, can be compressed into small cubical containers and used as a highly potent explosive, or be used as a highly potent spermicide, which is known by junior high kids all around the world, removing the dick . It can be given both acidic or basic properties by the amount of caffine mixed into the substance, and at certain temperatures becomes sentient. When this occurs, experts suggest we welcome our new carbonated overlords.
Mountain Dew, often abused by truckers and computer programmers alike, sometimes is referred to only with the street moniker "ambrosia". At times of PepsiCO having severe restrictions in water procurement due to Great Lakes water preservation laws, other fluids have been substituted including (but not limited to): Orange juice, Sunny D, Grandma's tears, and Olestra. Long term effects from consumption are not fully realized due to the pending research by the Food and Drug Administration.
Mountain Dew, is also used for a high burst of energy for people who don't like coffee. It is often used by gamers who plan on gaming all night, and binge more MD than 80 drunks with an infinite supply of booze. This often leads to hyper-activeness. Which means, driving everyone around you freaking crazy with your annoying antics caused by Mountain Dew. This can only be cured by large amounts of cocaine.
Surge is the only known drink that has more caffeine than MD, although drinking surge could cause you to generate enough energy to propel yourself to the moon and back twelve times.
Mountain Dew's magical qualities were discovered during the epic battle in which Jay-Z took down the evil Stay Puft Man with the aid of Captain America. Despite many lives being lost in the process, eventually Stay Puft Marshmallow Man's weakness was revealed, and Jay-Z drank three irradiated reservoirs of Mountain Dew and urinated all over Stay Puft Man to destroy him and tear him in half. One of the halves went on to become Adolf Hitler and the other became North Korea.
Mountain Dew is the only remaining substance in the universe which can be used to create new stars, and as such will be used by Jesus in his second coming. Its nuclear fusion inducing properties also make it good fuel for Robots and the Popemobile.
Other sources quote: Which is better, Mountain Dew or God? Trick question, Mountain Dew is God's urine.
[edit] Controversy
There are various rumours about Mountain Dew, some of which are true,
- Yes , Mountain Dew was a drink inspired by a beverage that ancient greek Gods drank called mons montis dew Latin for Mountain Dew
- Yes, Pepsi cola Found this drink whilst visiting a Bar in Athens, Greece in 1930's
- Mountain Dew can be used as gasoline. However, the intense amounts of sugar and caffine will cause the car to accelerate over the speed of sound in less than 5 seconds and the driver will be unable to turn until after he/she has crashed into something.
- No, you will not grow wings, this drink is commonly compared to Redbull.
- No, mons montis dew Has no records of using any form of sperm.
- Yes, a person named Vinny Bucchieri once drank 12 Mountain Dews in exactly 12 seconds.
- The loudest burp possible can only be done after drinking a combination of Mountain Dew and Root Beer. Unfortunately, if the root beer to mountain dew ratio is off, the burp will cause the user to explode.
- Yes, the extreme drinkage of Mountain Dew can kill sperm. I KNOW. ITS THAT AWESOME!
- Mountain Dew Voltage was created by accident - a Smurf fell into a Cusinart while walkng through the Enchanted Forest and Gargamel pushed the "10" button (for liquify). Taste tests proved successful.
- Mountain Dew Supernova was also created by accident - Barney the Dinosaur fell into a Cusinart while walking to the playground to meet his kiddie friends, and Baby Bop pushed the "10" button (for liquify). Taste tests proved successful, however liquified Smurf probably tastes better than a liquified dinosaur.
- Mountain Dew Revolution was again created by accident - George Washington fell into a Cusinart while walking through Boston to meet Thomas Jefferson, and Benjamin Franklin pushed the "10" button (for liquify). Taste test proved successful, and was preferred over both liquified smurf and dinosaur. Success!
[edit] Religious Dew---The Controversy Continues
With all “dew” respect to the above humanistic theory of the beginning of Mountain Dew, I feel compelled to put forth the one, real, true and correct origin of The Sweet Nectar of Life (the original name of Mt Dew). A long, long time ago in a Galilee far, far away there was a population of dim witted people. They dressed in long robes and wore leather sandals made from the tires of their wagons. To the untrained eye these people appeared very sluggish. But, peering back with hindsight adjusted with spectacles ground with Archeology, and a thorough knowledge in Luminescence; the study of an inner-spherical hydrating ingestible fluid of sweet aqueous solution that crosses the blood brain barrier in humans. You could clearly see this lethargic populous was slowly loosing the battle with sustainability Dew to a lack of sugar and caffeine. It was then that our benevolent deity took action. He sent a Winged-pepsico (similar to an angel) to a young hot virgin. He had the Winged-pepsico wake her from her slumber party and told her and her friends that they had boob chosen to rescue their own populace form doom. Using Priceline.com the Winged-pepsico arranged Capt. Kirk to beam these girls to Southern California, and left them in the care of renowned breast augmentation surgeon Dr. M. Bigger. “The newly pumped up the girls were then transported to Wisconsin, where they attended and were granted an M.A. from Dairy University. Now fully versed in the Mammary Arts they were spread to the four corners of all seven continents. There each began lactating in abundance. Breast pumps hummed, The Sweet Nectar of Life was born, the masses drank, and humanity was saved. I testify to the accuracy of this titular tail. Now, it’s up to you, believe Creation or you’re just Greek.
[edit] Lawsuit
In 2005, a man with a highly addictive personality injected 45 liters of mountain dew into his veins. He went berserk and let several zombie monkeys out of a laboratory in El Paso, Texas and created a radical conservative zombie monkey outbreak. Several policemen also became zombies and shot people in the brain to make brain puree. 4,129 people were zombified until the brave boys of the Texas Civil Air patrol (including George Bush) bombed the city of El Paso until there were no zombies left. This effectively ended Tex-Mex and the brilliant corporation, Chipotle in one swift bombing. Several Mexicans survived the blast and sued Mountain Dew for 5,000,000 pesos causing the company to go into bankruptcy.
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