- 1 Who is Mr. C?
- 2 Early Life
- 3 Mr. C the Soviet Agent
- 4 Mr. C the Mobster
- 5 Mr. C the MI6 Agent
- 6 Mr. C as Batman
- 7 Trademarks
- 8 Mr. C and The Apocalypse
- 9 Weapons of Choice
- 10 Those Who Have Tried to Defeat the Almighty Mr. C and Failed Miserably
Who is Mr. C?
Many know Mr. C as nothing but a music teacher. But Mr. C is much more than a normal music teacher and band director. Not only is Mr. C the best music teacher of life, he is also the head of both the CIA and FBI, a secret agent for MI6, a Soviet KGB agent, and a direct descendant of the famous Al Capone himself, which makes him head of his friendly neighbourhood mob branch, and the best damn gangster who ever walked the Earth. He is rumoured to be Batman himself, although never proven due to the fact that Batman is a fictional character (or is he?).
Not much is known about Mr. C's childhood before his legendary Jazz Band came alive, either because anyone who was alive during that time is dead or have died mysterious deaths (biographers asking Mr. C about his childhood have died for some reason).
At an early age, Mr. C was an avid kitten huffer. After one of the kittens he was about to huff told him to become a musician, he did. At the age of -4, he was the pianist for The Band. The band's lead singer got jealous of Mr. C's amazing abilities, so they fired him, then changed their name to Rush.
It is rumoured he attended school with Albert Einstein. It is also rumoured that he was actually the one who wrote all of Einstein's theories. Albert just stole them and called them his own. This made young C quite bitter and for a brief period turned emo. Luckily he snapped out of it and directed his anger into playing the accordion. Later in life he would come to discover that his theories were wrong, and that his fingers could move faster than the speed of light while playing piano
It is also rumoured that while he was still quite young Mr. C was exposed to high doses of radiation. This would clearly explain his mad musical instrument skills.
Mr. C the Soviet Agent
Mr. C was recruited by the Soviets in 1917 during WWI as a top secret scientist to create the ultimate bass guitar riff. But when they saw what an awesome killer he was, they decided to make him an agent. The ultimate riff was not created until 94 years later by, ironically, the bassist in his Jazz band (a better one would not be produced until Mr. C used his bass guitar to trip Godzilla years after that). His first mission was to take out the Germans. He almost succeeded but General Douglas Haig and his horses got in his way and instead a bunch of Newfoundlanders were slaughtered.
It is commonly believed that Hitler killed himself. Actually Mr. C, now separate from the Soviets took him out and started a fire in the bunker. That's when he discovered his true calling as a hitman. His father Al Capone trained him to take his place eventually.
Mr. C the Mobster
Yes it is true. The beloved music teacher is in fact a mobster. But not just any mobster. He is the Mob Boss, The Don, the Godfather, or whatever you choose to call him. He has millions of people under his thumb. No one knew at first but he left some subtle clues as to his true identity. It could've been the sudden disappearance of the soprano saxophone player after he corrected Mr. C one too many times. Or maybe when the drummer went missing after Mr. C took a liking to playing the drums. Or possibly the clarinet player's body found stuffed in one of the practice rooms apparently beaten to death with a blunt object (Her clarinet was beside her). Yes all these things point to one thing - Mr. C is a man to be feared.
He was almost killed by a rival mob on January 6th, 2007. But his loyal students took the rival mobsters out one by one. Meanwhile back at the music room the Boss himself was sitting back and playing Charlie Brown on the piano as his lackies killed off his enemies.
Mr. C the MI6 Agent
Mr. C was recruited by MI6 after eliminating the entire KGB for kidnapping his favourite piano. Mr. C thought that they had gone too far so he used his signature move: his bad puns about "Take the A Train", and beat the KGB into submission.
After he joined MI6 he became known as the most powerful man in the world. He was even considered more powerful than the mighty Chuck Norris himself. Some people even thought that he must have been Chuck's brother because he was so powerful. Chuck tried to kill him but Mr. C was prepared and dodged his destructive roundhouse kick. He then countered with his 1812 Overture, played on bass and with real cannons! One of the cannonballs hit Chuck right in the head, which struck down the almighty god of martial arts in one blow. After this James Bond tried to assassinate Mr. C out of fear, which is quite remarkable for a humble music teacher since James Bond has never been scared throughout his franchise of novels and cinematic masterpieces. Of course James Bond failed when Mr. C duct-taped James to the wall and forced him to eat stinky cheese. After this Mr. C gathered a following of Evil Monkey Minions of DOOOOOOM!! in SPAAAAAAACE!!!
Mr. C as Batman
Most people would never have thought that Batman existed. But the truth is that he in fact does. Even people that know Mr. C never would have thought that the humble bass playing musician could be capable of saving the world by night and teaching music by day. Some clues that led to the unveiling of this fact were:
- Mr. C, although you never would have guessed it, is really a millionaire, and lives in an expensive mansion. And what kind of self-respecting millionaire doesn't have secret passages and a Butler named Alfred?
- Mr. C simply loves gadgets. As does Batman. Why do you think they always have to use the bat symbol to call Batman? Its because Mr. C is always playing in a gig and has to quickly change into his uniform and rush to police headquarters. Many people ask why he doesn’t have a Bat-Phone. The answer is quite simple really. If they were to call him on his phone it would go off in the middle of his gig, and who likes that? That’s right - no one does. Everyone hates those pesky cell phones going off in the middle of a performance, especially the musicians - it's just unprofessional.
- Mr. C drives the C-Mobile by day. Everyone has said it looks remarkably like the Bat-Mobile - well that's because it is, in fact, the Bat-Mobile!
- Most people thought that his Bari-playing sidekick was only a Jazz Band member, but in fact he is also his crime-fighting partner as well as a remarkably annoying sax player!
His Destroyed Pencils
Mr. C always has one of his destroyed pencils with him, beaten to a pulp by ridiculously fast playings of Jump, Jive an' Wail, Mood Indigo, and Route 66. But do not mock his pencils of power, for Mr. C is one of the most powerful and coolest creatures in the universe. If he does not like your mocking of his super cool pencils he will light your grandmother on fire and run over her with a tricycle. Then he will hit you with a pencil.
Mr. C has crazy baton skills which allow you to keep time. That is of course unless he decides to play drums instead of conducting and adds random drum fills that don't allow you to keep time.
His Italian Dictionary
In class, Mr. C threatens to use his Italian phrasebook on the students.... and then confuses them with the very long words. Very very long words....
His Sung Trumpet Solo
Only Mr. C is able to create such a powerful charm by singing a trumpet solo during Mood Indigo. Its just so moving (and it actually sounds like a trumpet).
Mr. C and The Apocalypse
Many people thought that the Bible is the only religious text on Earth. But in fact they are wrong! A little known text exists which does in fact name Mr. C the all high and mighty power in the universe. The texts say that Mr. C will rise once again and have a Battle Royale with Jimi Hendrix, to decide who the best guitarist really is. It is thought that Jimi Hendrix died of a lethal combination of sleeping pills and alcohol, but has never been proven. In fact this is not the case. Jimi really died in one of the great guitar god battles. Mr. C claimed a victory over Hendrix and forced him to retreat into the afterlife. All that was left behind was his guitar and a huge number of groupie fans.
It is unknown when the final battle will occur. All that is known is that one day the Earth will come to an end. This will not be because of natural causes, but because of the final showdown between Mr. C and Jimmy Hendrix. The sky will rip open, and the ground will crumble away. Each amazing riff will cause even more damage to the Earth and the space time continuum. The battle will rage on for days and maybe even weeks. Anyone who gets too close to the amazing battle will instantly be vaporized - except, of course, Mr. C's all knowing stalker, better known as Groupie. Only then will the real god be decided, and the ultimate showdown end. There will only be one winner, and one ultimate power in the universe.
Weapons of Choice
Mr. C doesn't need a weapon. If he doesn't have his bass guitar handy he could just hum/sing a solo. The enemies would be so moved by the sheer intensity that they would stop and be caught with a tear in their eyes. He would take this opportunity to then beat the hell out of them. Now that's classy.
Those Who Have Tried to Defeat the Almighty Mr. C and Failed Miserably
- Godzilla - Mr. C tripped him with his bass, then played such an amazing riff that the monster vanished in a poof of smoke.
- Supertramp - Yes the supergroup did in fact attack Mr. C, but of course Mr. C triumphed. He also stole their super cool hit song Dreamer which he can sing insanely high for.
- Mr. T - You may remember this as 'Battle of the Consonants'
“I pity the fool who challenges Mr. C. Oh wait that was me...”
- Stephen Colbert - Stephen tried to hide behind the old saying, "You can't hit a kid with glasses." but Mr. C merely removed his glasses from his face and snapped them in half before proceeding to kick his arse.
- Darth Vader - Yes the Sith Lord did try to defeat Mr. C but gave up when he saw Mr. C's gnarly bass skills.
- Paris Hilton - Yes the super-celebrity did try to end Mr. C's reign but broke a nail in the process and gave up.
- The Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail
- Mr. Rogers - We're not sure what he was thinking.
- Optimus Prime - Yes Mr. C can destroy huge robot aliens. That is because Mr. C can transform into a 50' robot with nukes for fingers, and a guitar for a head.
- Ringo Starr - The ex-Beatle did challenge Mr. C to a drum-off but of course failed miserably when Mr. C played his mad Route 66 drum fills.
- Spock - The Vulcan was no match for Mr. C's piano solo, in which his fingers moved faster than the speed of light, killing Spock instantly.
“The nerve pinch.... it does nothing! Live long and prosper Mr.C!”
Mr. C is just so cool and so awesome that people around him go flying backwards and die due to his sheer awesomeness. For example, as can be seen in the film Star Wars, Mr. C kills seven Storm Troopers when he accidentally walked onto the set. They digitally removed Mr. C from the picture, so the Storm Troopers appear to fall by themselves. Serious Star Wars freaks attribute this to the Force Push but they have yet to be enlightened.