Mrs. God's blog
Mrs God’s blog is republished from Facebook with permission of the author.
May 20th, 2009
Just a few words from me, Mrs God. I know you haven’t heard from me much over the years, but now that my hubby’s away…
First of all, let me reassure everyone – “God is not dead”. We heard a lot of that in the 60s. It wasn’t true then and it’s not true now. Phew!
It IS true that He picked up a bit of a coke habit – and I can tell you, God moved in some peculiar ways back then. But we’ve finally persuaded Him to face His issues and booked Him into Rehab – He said “No, no, no” for thirty years and when God says “No” it’s very hard to change His mind but He's finally checked into the Priory and we're hoping He can work through some of His issues and make a full recovery.
Anyhoo, rest assured there’s still a steady hand on the tiller because I’ll be looking after the family business while big G’s gone, so if you need anything…
May 21st, 2009
When I said “if you need anything” I had no idea I’d be so popular! But seriously, I can’t just give everyone an I-pod – I’m not Santa. And if you really need a longer penis, my e-mail inbox is full of people offerin' pills for that sort of thing.
Now that it looks like the G-man’s away for longer than we thought, I’ve been thinkin' about makin' some changes. Nothin' big, a few cushions and new drapes. Oh, I’m considering paintin' the pearly gates. All that white is sooo clinical it’s deathly. A nice mauve could do wonders for the feel of the place, or maybe pink, it’s a much more welcomin' colour. You need some reassurance when you get here the first time, specially if you’ve just run head first into an eighteen wheeler!
And before you ask, no I don’t do the paintin' myself. I’ll have the angels do it for me, they can use their wings to do the high parts, I have to stand on a chair and with these heels that’s dangerous! I think the angels will be glad of the work really, some of them have been here ever so long, lounging around on clouds with hardly anything to do. I’m goin' to draw up a rota, I think, get them to wash up and do some vacuuming, that kind of thing. It’s not really fair just droppin' the dirty dishes into Hell. It’s bad enough burnin' in sulphurous pits for eternity without all that screamin'! Honestly, it must be hellish down there.
Anyway, I’ll put what’s left of my brain to work and do some of the things G’s been puttin' off for a while. That way, when he’s back he won’t have them to worry about. So I know he’s been thinkin' about updatin' his commandments for a while, but what with the dyslexia and the ADHD…
May 22nd 2009
Okay so here are the new Commandments, see what you think. I slimmed down the old version a bit by combinin' the first three. That way I’ve been able to add a couple of my own. Neat, huh!
1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the Earth beneath, or that is in the water under the Earth: Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments.
3. Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain; for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.
Becomes - 1 - RESPECT!
4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work: But the seventh day is the sabbath of the LORD thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates: For in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the LORD blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it.
Becomes -2 – CHILL!
Becomes- 3 - CALL YOUR MOM SOMETIMES!
6. Thou shalt not kill.
Becomes -4 – PEACE!
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery.
Becomes -5 – TIE A KNOT IN IT!
8. Thou shalt not steal.
Becomes -6 – NO-ONE LIKES A THIEF!
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.
Becomes – 7 – LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE!
Becomes – 8 – YOU CAN LOOK BUT NO TOUCHING!
And the new ones…
10- Thou shalt not invite your buddies over for poker on our anniversary.
Pretty good, huh!
May 25th, 2009
As you may be aware Big G and I were only blessed with the one boy and I always felt that His bein' an only-child was a problem. He’s so selfish! I was expecting a little help, what with His Dad being away but He’s never around. He lies in bed all day and His room! Heavens, I wouldn’t dare go in. And when He does get up He’s straight out of the door without a word and back Goodness knows when. He treats Heaven like it’s a hotel! And don't get me started on His friends!
You know, some days He hardly speaks a word to me. Me, His own mother! I spoke to my analyst about it and he managed to persuade Jesus to come with me last time. Actually, I don’t think Jesus did it for me at all. I think he just wanted to check out Hell, because Satan won’t allow Dr Freud out to visit me so I have to go there. Terrible place, all red and the central heatin' up way too far.
You wouldn’t believe it but that sweet, old boy Freud asked me if Jesus had ever played with his own poop as a baby. 'Course, I had to say no with Jesus sat next to me. Then he asked Jesus if He’d ever thought about killin' G! And that’s only the start. He asked my little pumpkin if He’d ever thought about ... you know, doin' the squelchy ... with me! The dirty old goat, no wonder he’s in Hell. I would have taken Jesus away then and there - no child should have to listen to that kind of filth but that’s when it all came out. Dr Freud got Jesus to open up to him in a way I’d never seen before.
Jesus blames me and G for puttin' Him up for adoption when He was a baby. He says He thinks we didn’t love Him enough to look after Him ourselves. It’s not as if that nice couple that took Him in did a bad job. Sure, they were poor but G took care of that by sendin' the three drag queens over with the Gold and the Frankincense and the Myrrh. I’m sure the Gold came in handy and the frankincense will have covered up the smell of donkeys in the house. I could never see the purpose of the myrrh, if I’m honest, but you can’t tell G anythin' – He thinks He knows it all!
Anyway, all three of us had a big chat and, guess what, I’m Top of the Pops again. My little fruit-drop cried His heart out when I told Him what losin' Him had done to me. I missed His first words and His first steps and we only saw the beginnin' of His graduation because “you know who” said He’d have to go as a burnin' bush and that set off the smoke detectors and we had to evacuate the buildin'. I was in tears myself by the end.
And then Jesus just put His arms around me,
“There, there, Mummy”, He said. “We’re together now and I’m never going to leave you again.”
Isn’t that great! Unless you're one of those people expectin' a Second Coming, of course.
May 26th, 2009
Just me again. I’m nearly a week into the job now and it’s been great to hear back from so many of you. So I thought it would be nice to answer a few questions that keep croppin’ up.
A lot of people ask me “Betty, is it wrong to be gay?”
And I always say “What ever floats your boat, honey.”
Another question I heard a lot is: “Can gay people go to Heaven?”
Well, Jesus always says that it would be easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than for some folks to get into Heaven. But, I guess gay men have more experience than most of squeezin’ objects into holes too small to accommodate them because this place is camper than a row of pink tents, sugar. I think the uniform attracts them.
But there’s no tellin’ some people, is there. You wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve heard some barrack-room lawyer sayin’ “Surely in Leviticus it says that 'Man should not lay with man, nor with beasts of the field'.”
Well, now that's true of course but guide-books go out of date, love. I mean, if G meant us to take Leviticus that seriously He wouldn’t have invented the bacon sandwich, now would he? Still, if you want to spend your life pluckin' out your eye because the other one has offended you then I say “Go for it, girlfriend!”
As it happens, I’m thinkin' of re-writin' the old Book anyway. It’s been a good earner for G over the years but the copyright must expire sometime soon and He was always more of a doer than a writer. I think His word needs to be a bit more approachable. See what you think of my new openin':
“In the beginning there was nothing, not even Wal-Mart.” 1
“But G said “Let there be stuff!” 2.
“And what do you know – there was stuff and it was kinda neat.” 3.
That’s a bit more twenty first century, isn’t it? I think the kids can be down with that. What do you think?
Remember me in your prayers,
May 27th, 2009
Well after my little Q & A last time I’ve been inundated with questions. Honestly, it’s like being the advice column in Cosmo. But seriously, I don’t mind. Sure, the ironing’s backing up, but why become Supreme Being if you’re not gonna help? And I’m sooo, like, totally into helping right now.
Anyhoo, one topic keeps coming up and, you guessed it, its S.E.X. So, hold tight ‘cause here we go.
A lot of people say to me:
“Betty, we live in a sex-obsessed society. What can I do to keep my mind on higher purposes?”
I say; “There’s nothing wrong in having a healthy libido.” Big G and I were at it like two ferrets up a drain-pipe until he started sniffin’ the Bolivian Marching powder. It’s how we all got here, after all. Well, everyone except G and me, anyway. Even He doesn’t seem to be able to explain that one.
Well, sex outside is HOT period. But not outside your Mom’s house, that’s just icky. Which reminds me, I found Jesus with that Mary Magdalene slut again last night. You should have seen what she was wearing! Honestly, how did she get into Heaven? I’ve seen her file, and, believe me, she’s no angel. What my boy sees in that girl is beyond me. But there’s no tellin’ kids, is there. If I so much as mention her name He starts slammin’ doors and yellin’ how “No one understands Him”, and “It’s so unfair!” Then He’ll be turnin’ water into wine and playin’ Black Sabbath all night keeping the cherubim awake.
So I suppose what I’m sayin’ is that everyone needs a hobby in life, and if yours is rutting like an Elk in season then I say “Good on you”. If you can’t be good, be careful. And if you can’t be careful, don’t come prayin’ to me!
Smell you later!
May 28th, 2009
A big Hi!!! to all my friends out there in cyber-land,
While I think of it, G says a big thank you to everyone who been thinkin' of Him – He knows who you are, where you live and what else you’ve been thinkin' of. Kiddin'! (He does, but He’s very discrete)
Anyhoo, there are a lot of loose ends in need of tidyin' up out there in the non-virtual universe. And, well, if a job needs doing properly ask a woman. I’m makin' a start on the whole Creation controversy.
(BTW Isn’t Darwin a sweety? Did you know that he spent five years watchin' earthworms matin'? That can’t be right, now, can it?)
There’s some crackpot idea that G created everythin' that exists in six days and then rested. Who could blame Him – that’s a lot of creating. Now, these days that’s a theory that’s mostly popular with the elderly, the retarded and North Americans. Especially elderly, retarded North Americans. Kiddin' again! I love elderly, retarded, North Americans!
Seriously though, I don’t want to come between anyone and their heart-felt beliefs, especially when G helped put about that rumour, but honestly! Six days is a pretty tight schedule!
And then there are the Big Bang theorists. Once there was nothing then suddenly, for no reason at all, there’s everything and it’s all exploding outwards like a suicide bomber in a bus queue. Mmm! Well, the G-man likes a big bang, I can tell you that, but I just don’t understand why these guys won’t give Him a little credit. I shouldn’t get upset but the ingratitude just grinds my gears. I guess people can believe what they like, but how many of those guys’ last words are “Oh my God!”, hey!
And then there’s the theory that G arranged for everythin' to happen, laid back in His armchair, put up His feet, opened a cold one and watched what happened, givin' things a gentle prod in the right direction once in a while. Intelligent design, they call it. I like that name because, between you and me, creation was MY idea! That’s right, silly old me!
G was gettin' restless and I was just trying to find an interest for him that didn’t involve motorcycles. He’d tried gardening but, when you’re Supreme Being, the challenge isn’t there. He built a train-set in His den and then lost interest. And isn’t that always the way with fellas, girls! So I thought, what would take the G-man’s mind off things for a while! And in the twinklin' of a few billion years - here we all are.
Of course, G had a lot on His plate once the whole of Creation had got started in earnest and, what do you know, He took His eye off things a bit. No one can be everywhere all the time. And besides, he’s a guy – can’t multitask. And that’s why there are so many loose ends. You know the sort of thing : Platypuses, coelacanths, archaeopteryxes (haven’t had one of those little guys on the bird-table for a while, they were sooo CUTE).
So I’ll be busy thinkin' about how to tidy things up a bit before He gets back. And, once I’ve thunk, if you have any suggestions for how I could improve things – the customer is always right!
Hasta la vista,
May 29th, 2009
Lots of you have emailed me with suggestions for tidyin’ up Creation before Big G gets back and so many of you said what a good job I’ve been doin’ in His absence. It’s kind of y’all but stop it now! My head’ll be so big I’ll have to buy extra hair-extensions!
David Attenborough told me: “God seems to have an inordinate fondness for beetles. There are millions of the blighters, do we really need so many? I heard there were over 400,000 species in the Amazon basin alone.”
No, Honey, I’ve made the same point to G. But between you and me, his OCD really kicked in while he was designin’ beetles, I had to wear the special nightie to get him to come to bed at all. It was the only way I could do to stop him creatin' space-beetles! I’ll see what I can do about cuttin' down the number of species, but hey, you’re doing a pretty good job of that yourselves. Keep on loggin'!
Hmm! Well, for your information I designed the rainbow and I think it’s lovely. If rainbows annoy you that much maybe you should just get out more!
Well, when G comes up with an idea He finds it hard to let go. So I thought, let’s just put all those icky things in that big ole desert out there at sea. I never thought anyone would wanna live there! I mean, have you seen the place?
A lovely young man wrote to me from Tora Bora: “Hi, my name’s Osama Bin Laden and all I ever see is camels. They’re so ugly and so stupid-looking. Surely this proves that Allah would have done a better job.”
You know, Osama, G’s a Creative person and sometimes He let’s His creativity run away with Him. So maybe camels aren't His best work but if you hopped on a plane and did some travellin' you’d appreciate the wonders of His Creation a little more. And for your information, we let Allah help out one afternoon and all he came up with were dinosaurs - shedding great lumps of skin everywhere and eatin' all the flowerin' plants as soon as G could create them. Big boys' toys, I guess.
June 1st, 2009
Am I pleased? You betcha! Little Jesus was bouncing up and down like an excited puppy.
"Daddy's comin', Daddy's comin!" He was shouting. Isn't He just adorable?
Anyhoo, the two of us are planing a party for the G-man. We're gonna invite all his friends from High school: Allah, Thor, the Tooth Fairy, Buddha. Well, maybe not Buddha - he eats too much. And no booze! Not when He's just outta rehab. Allah will just have to drink juice like the rest of us.
I didn't wanna sign off without puttin in my ten cents' worth on that hot topic: MONEY.
We all worry about it, don't we, gals. I don't even know how I'm gonna pay the Priory. Rehab don't come cheap and even Heaven's not immune to the credit crunch. Money's kinda tight in these parts these days - payin' off the mortgage to keep a house of God in every crummy little town is killin' us.
I know G once said that:
"Love of money is the root of all evil."
Sure, there was a time when Jesus used to get all Holy about money and greed and stuff. He used to say things like:
"Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these."
But He was younger then and goin' through a hippy phase - all long hair and kaftans. But believe me, you should see Him now! Signin' autographs like there's no tomorrow and puttin' them on e-bay to pay for tattoos. He ain't so high minded no more.
I guess what I'm tryin' to say is: I don't wanna seem ungrateful but maybe you guys could dig a little deeper when the collection plate comes by next time.
Wish me luck. I gotta feelin' I'm in for a big night.