Muffins
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“That we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain--that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of muffins--and that muffins of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.”
~ Abraham Lincoln on Muffins
A Muffin is a controlled substance that is prevalent among teenagers and young people. It is estimated that approximately 15% of the population of the United States has tried muffins at one period or another, and of those, an estimated 50% are teenagers. File:Muffins
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[edit] Biological Information
Muffins come from the plant Muffinonus Bluberria, a rather rare species of plant found mostly in places that are rather damp, humid, and uncomfortable for humans. In other words, bakeries, coffee shops and occasionally some of the more exotic sweat shops in new zealand for some unknown reason. The plant reproduces mainly by infecting an animal's reproductive system, as those chunks of a muffin that contain no starch product are actually seeds, which come out in the form of shit. Those whom are addicted to muffins but go cold turkey thus suffer from diarrhea. It has been scientifically proven that it is almost impossible to smoke a muffin. But god willing, I'l keep trying!!!
I'll muffin your chuck norris!!!
[edit] How Muffins Affect the Human Body
Muffins affect the human body in many ways. For example, it sends a signal to the brain of a person to signify that the person is "full" and can now commence with either the human functions of either reproduction and/or excretion. Hardcore brands such as poppyseed, or "Opiffins," often cause both of these bodily functions to occur at the same time. They also release hormones that cause a slowly painful addiction, causing heavy damage to peoples' pocketbooks.
Muffins have been confirmed to cause diabetes, cancer, AIDS, and salmonella. They have also been linked to E-Coli 157, Herpes, and chlymidia, and drive anyone named Nikita to complete insanity. http://i15.tinypic.com/40ku3p5.gif
[edit] Chemical Information
Muffins are composed of a complicated hydrocarbon that has been found only in muffins. This compound is called SexTuplet Aluminum-Ritalin Carbon Hydrogen, or "STARCH." It is believed that this chemical, when broken down into its component form, releases harmful atoms into the human body, thus causing an urge for more muffins.
[edit] Opposition Against Muffins
The organization Society Particularily Against Muffins (SPAM) has organized to try and reduce the number of people addicted to this rather virulent substance. Unfortuanatly, the efforts of this group have gone to no good, as many members of Congress and even the President of the United States himself are addicted to Muffins. Currently, bills are going through the legislatures of several states to ban the sell of muffins to minors. They are expected to be defeated.
If you have found traces of Muffins in your neighborhood, please contact the proper authorities.
