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“More like Friday 13..”

~ Oscar Wilde on Wednesday 13


Before their evolution, when they actually committed themselves to murder (and as a side project, making music), Murderdolls are predicted to be a group of cute dolls from Des Moines, Iowa with the undiscovered potential of killing. It is believed by many that Murderdolls are homicidal amok runners under cover, making music to cover up their crimes. Their hideout is said to be in a valley in the city of Des Moines, Iowa. Fancied by the fellow terrorist group Rage Against the Machine, these homicidal dolls believe that murder weapons are not only sacred, but also incredible musical instruments. Murderdolls define themselves as the only true performers of "Death Metal." They are wanted by the US government for an estimated reward of $13.666 billion. If you catch a glimpse of them and live to tell the tale, please call an emergency number immediately.


Murderdolls are infamous for their never-ending cycle of midnight murder raids, where they ravage and capture their victims. This frightening act is accompanied with their murder screeches that intimidate their victims before their lead torturer captures the victim to perform his classified torture business, currently involving scythes and in the past, pitchforks. This is followed by decapitation with a saw, then hanging, raping and blood-sucking, as the two percussionists use their so-called "murder-sticks" to attack their dying victims all while the screeches howl through the night. The victim is then burned using fuel; the ashes are collected and forged into gravestones, and finally robbed of their souls which are left for torture for eternity. All of these acts are disguised with music to keep the gang members under cover and recorded for the sole pleasure of the gang. These tracks are then made into albums to be sold to finance later midnight raids.


The band (better said gang) was suspected of recording their victims' screams before death and editing them into their music until Joseph Poole, better known with the infamous nickname Wednesday 13 (Sorry, couldn't wait until Friday) was brought into the gang. Currently, he provides the leading murder screeches for their music. The back-up screamo is done by the rest of the gang. These terrifying sounds are an utmost horror to victims who are captured.

Tripp Eisen, a necrophilic rapist, was the original lead torturer of the gang until he was caught and arrested in an act of molest. According to the gang, Eisen used electric wire as strings on his pitchfork, which he used to shock and decapitate his victims with. He also performed similar duties for the gang Static-X and the drug dealers, Dope. He, his successor Slade, and Ghoul all plug their instruments into the throats of the victims, using them as amps.

He was replaced by Acey Slade who prefers to use barbed wire on his scythe instead and also participates in gangs Eisen used to favor. He is known primarily as a cross-dressing assassin who likes to use his barbed wires to catch his victims on usual midnight raids. His tortures are said to be very horrendous and intimidating, usually involving his unholy scythe. These sayings are merely rumors due to the fact that none have survived his barbed wire yet.

Eric Griffin provides the hanging ropes for the gang to finish off the victims. He is a very feared vampire that sucks the blood of the victims at their hanging, but only after decapitating them with his saw. He gargles the blood of the victims to provide his share of back-up screeches. Griffin is also associated with Static-X to provide the role of a vampire for a music video.

Ben Graves, receiving his last name from his previous occupation of grave robbing, plays gravestones of murdered victims with weightlifting bars. As previously mentioned, these gravestones are forged with the ashes of the dead victims. He is nicknamed Ghoul due to the fact that he steals the souls of the dead and haunts them for eternity. According to a widespread hypothesis, his vocals are the screams of the past deceased.

Joey Jordison, who also is a part of perhaps the largest gang in the world, Slipknot, plays his empty fuel barrels with baseball bats. The BP (Big Prick, named after what it is composed of: decomposed dinasaur penises) fuel inside these barrels is used to burn the bodies of dead victims. Jordison is very rapid at his business and can play his instrument at an estimated speed of 1000 miles an hour. He is suspected of mixing steroids with this fuel to provide his energy. Jordison's repetitive percussion is also used as a drum roll at the victims' hanging.


Wednesday 13 - Lead Murder screeches

Acey Slade - Scythe strung with Barbed Wires

Eric Griffin - saw strung Hanging Ropes, Blood-Gargling

Ghoul - Gravestones played with Weightlifting Bars, Ghostly Echoes

Joey Jordison - Empty Fuel Barrels played with Baseball Bats, at ~1000 mi/hr


Inmate No. 666,666: Tripp Eisen (Arrested) - Pitchfork with Electric Wires


Murderdolls were only a local horror until 2002, when they released their national rebut homicide, "Beyond the Valley of the Murderdolls." After obtaining every branch of the US security forces' attention, the gang decided that a national bounty was not enough, and decided to tour the world, killing many worldwide. These unreleased murder tracks are very rare and only available in the Murderdolls' death database.

Beyond the Valley of the Murderdolls (2002)[edit]

This rebut includes killings that are recorded outside the gang's hometown, Des Moines. After threateaning the record label Roadrunner, Murderdolls were able to have their album replicated and reproduced. Featuring bonus tracks of execution and a rare DVD that was sold out almost immediately due to overpurchase by many serial killers and other criminals around the world. With the release of this album, the US government understood that Murderdolls had the potential to perform attacks around the country.

The recorded song titles, locations and the victims are as follows:

1. "Slit My Wrist" (A disco: Las Vegas, Nevada) - An emo Panic! at the Disco Fan

2. "Twist My Sister" (A home: New York City, New York) - Dani Filth's sister

3. "Dead In Hollywood" (A porn studio: Hollywood, California) - The classified death of a celebrity, suspected of being Anna Nicole Smith

4. "Love At First Fright" (A bedroom: Washington, Seattle) - Double murder of a couple having sex

5. "People Hate Me" (A basement: Chicago, Illinois) - A gothic teenager who was caught cutting himself

6. "She Was A Teenage Zombie" (A drama audition: Pittsburg, Pennsylvania) - A hideous girl trying to be an actor, who instead got to be a zombie

7. "Die My Bride" (A park: Des Moines, Iowa) - Joey Jordison's ex-fiancee who supposedly cheated on him

8. "Graverobbing U.S.A" (A graveyard: Tampa, Arizona) - A thief who tried to take on the gang single-handedly.. guess what happened?

9. "197666" (A prison: Atlanta, Georgia) - Inmate number 197666

10. "Dawn Of The Dead" (A church: Kansas City, Kansas) - A satanistic priest preaching to bring dead souls alive

11. "Let's Go To War" (A public meeting: Washington, DC) - A conservative Bush supporter

12. "Dressed to Depress" (A stripping store: Cleveland, Ohio) - A horrendously dressed stripper

13. "Kill Miss America" (A fashion show: Miami, Florida) - Marian Bergeron

14. "B-Movie Scream Queen" (A movie theater: Austin, Texas) - A spectator who got too excited and screamed

15. "Motherfucker I Don't Care" (An Murderdolls Gig: Salt Lake City, Utah) - A fan who didn't scream motherfucker along with the crowd

The rare bonus murders are listed below:

1. "Crash Crash" (A car accident: Raleigh, North Carolina) - The murder of two almost-dead victims of a car crash

2. "Let's Fuck" (A talent show: Indianapolis, Indiana) - A wanna-be Jonathan Davis who was unsuccessful in imitating his vocals while singing A.D.I.D.A.S

3. "I Take Drugs" (A drug deal: Californian-Mexican Border) - A dealer who tried to rip-off Eisen's friends, the gang Dope

4. "White Wedding" (A wedding: Oklohoma City, Oklohoma) - The bride of the wedding

5. "Welcome to the Strange" (A Guns N' Roses Tribute Concert: Nashville, Tennessee) - The guitarist who thought he was /, better known as Slash

6. "I Love to Say Fuck" (A recording studio: New Orleans, Lousiana) - A rapper who loved to say fuck, but pronounced it "fauwk"

Note: The murders "White Wedding," "I Love to Say Fuck," "Dead in Hollywood," and "Love at First Fright" feature very rare live coverage filmed by Russ Meyer. The DVDs of Murderdolls were an unbelievable immediate success. This is where the terrorist group Rage Against the Machine obtained the idea of filming deaths from, and transferred it to their fellows, Osama Bin Laden and such.