Mysterious Blonde Disease
“I was a colourless, odourless, malfunctioning young robot until I discovered Blonde's Disease. Then God pissed on my hair and now I feel light as a feather”
“Maybe this little beauty was the grumpy one that caused Uncle Steve-O to pop his clogs”
“It gave me the squeak in my voice that I needed to imprison innocent prisoners”
“Maybe it wasn't what I said. Maybe it was my blonde misplaced minge that gave the Liverpuglians that chip on their shoulders”
“My advice to you, and this is coming from an honest man. Stay away from people with this life-blighting disease”
“This time next year, we'll be million-'airs”
Mysterious Blonde Disease, or Blonde's Disease is a pandemic killer discomfort occurring all across the globe. It affects many people in all varieties of different ways. It started out when monkeys were permitted to experiment with polonium, piss, silly string and hair dye. It now means that every single woman and a small but increasing number of menfolk has to suffer just because of a small group of right-wing extremist monkeys.
It is a common misperception that Blonde's Disease was a small infection carried by people like Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Jodi Marsh, and The Wombles. WRONG!! It really was the fault of Ianus Aeger.
Claim To Fame
In a small town in Heaven, God was mixing potions when he stumbled upon an interesting one. Disease!! At this discovery, he jumped for joy, causing a few large and destructive earthquakes all around the world. What he didn't realise was that in his ecstasy of jumping, the ground tremors caused two vital potions to fall from his test tube rack. One of these was Mystery Potion - a potion where you don't know much about it and if you wish to ask God about it, he will respond in that classic Madonna Phrase "Life Is A Mystery". The other was Blonde Potion, which up till this point, had only been pissed on a few women. And the other potion was disease potion, which, also up until that point had only been ingested by a few old people...
Life In The 80s
In the 80s, when fashion was high, new wave was washing over people and Pink Floyd were managing to hold onto 80s Supergroup status while arguing with each other behind the scenes, little did people know of the disaster that was about to unfold in CherGodyl. The seeping poisons had poured onto an explosive box God kept just so that poisons and deadly liquids could be poured onto it. This then caused a terminal reactor in Sector 12 of Sub-Transister 160D70BE8. CherGodyl exploded in a fiery ball of nuclear hell.
Hell managed to make its way on Earth until there was quite literally Hell on Earth. Little-Known celebrities like Chantelle Houghton were spawned, Hilary Clinton rose out of the muck and spew created by the blast and Christina Aguilera's unexpected waste of space was exposed to the world. People were becoming so blonde that the blondeness of their hair would blind people, set fire to public dogs and make sure that they became camouflaged should they decide to travel to the sun.
Blonde's Disease has not declined and never will. Your childs are all destined to become piss-colour-haired freaks of nature, men will never get a choice of women, they will all be blindingly bland blondes blending to Blunt. However, there is an upside. Should Hitler rear his ugly head and want to kill you for being Jewish, he'll notice that you are a blonde-haired aryan hairy one and will move onto his next victim. However, should you bump into the author of this page and be as blonde as a bleeding blade, you will be on the end of a bleeding blade.
Blonde's Disease has not died. Nor shall it. However, CherGodyl is very much still a Ghost Town. I wouldn't go there as you will perish and shrivel into a large, life-sized blonde wig which God will mistake for a puppy. He will then enter CherGodyl where he will turn into an even bigger wig. This will result in him casting a huge sunblocking shadow across the world and any spaceships that happen to be passing Earth will be blinded by the blondeness of this GIANT Earth-covering wig and fall and crash. The lack of sunlight will kill all life on Earth as it always does.
If you are suffering from Mysterious Blonde Disease, I suggest you do/do not do the following:
- Don't go near power plants.
- Do not go near anyone or anything. The blondeness of your hair will burn anything within a radius of infinity.
- Turn your hair a different colour. It may help.
- Don't turn into a blonde wig. You may be worn by someone you hate.
- Die. It may save you from a fate worse than death.
- DO NOT swallow a blonde. You will digest them and they will drip drop out of your anus leaving a yellow drip road wherever you go.