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So you just joined Uncyclopedia, and you want to write about how stupid the N00bs are right. Um. Think about that for a second.

n00b is a popular word used to describe a sausage. This word was invented by Jesus after turning water into wine and healing some genetically modified fat guy. After Jesus realized he had 73h 1337357 5k1ll5 0f d3m 4wl he began to use this word to insult the people around him. It is a conspiracy that Jesus stole the word from his great, great, great, great, great, great, grand father's cousin M0535 73h l337, who was famous for doing something in Egypt, as noted in numerous cartoons. It was said that m0535 73h l337 used this word in his rhymes and lyrics. However, since these lyrics were written on tablets, which were smashed, there is no evidence that he was the founder of the word.

Noun & Adjective[edit]

This is the every-day sight for n00bs.

Although its intent is to humiliate and degrade somebody, the word "n00b" sounds like the word penis, and actually implies that the person using the word:

  • Has no life, as suggested by the simple fact that they spend countless hours playing particular computer/video-games (World of Warcraft).
  • Is called Rainna Ang Jo Yee
  • Believes UFOs will come to take them away and probe them (which is the closest thing they can get when it comes to sexual pleasure)
  • Thinks that the Federation could destroy the Star Wars Empire.
  • Has crush on Princes Leia and masturbates to her
  • Is covered in zits and pops them and is scientifically proven incapable of talking to girls.
  • Is constantly heard screaming "I sH007 uR 13G, wHY u N07 d13??"
  • Gets pWned constantly by 1337 H4xZoRz in DOTA.
  • Likes the opposite gender and spends all day eating mayonnaise, masturbating, and watching reruns of Star Trek, Power Rangers and plays World of Warcraft for 9 and three quarters of a hour.
  • Is losing touch of reality and thinks he's "Darkness", as stated above.
  • Is constantly using words which don't even make sense.
  • Is a purveyor of all things japanese, drawn, and jiggling. In extremely rare cases, the jiggling is omitted.
  • May also be called a FAIL.

Although the word itself can be rightfully used to describe an extremely annoying or stupid player, the above section still stands. Here are some common conceptions and facts about what nerds call, "n00bs":

  • Scientists conjecture that the common n00b phrase "Hael me plz!!1" is the closest thing n00bs possess to a battle cry. Some other common n00b phrases in MMORPGOMGLOLWTFBBQs are "giv me 1g". When the n00b gets owned they tend to utter phrases such as "im going to get ma dad to come round and shoot you if you do not give me money" and the common classic for Guild Whores
  • "hahaha i am the CS: Source champion of the US". Replace US with server country and CS: Source with 'FPS that has nothing to do with RPGs'.
  • Many L33T players agree that most n00bs' CAPS LOCK keys are permanently stuck in the down position at birth.
  • n00bs are also incapable of using the letter !, and are known to break out into a frenzy of 1s, or if in particular danger/pleasure/general confusion the random extension of 2s and even the ever-controversial " (speechmark) (the forever controversial invention of 1881). This may, however, be secret binary code sent to other n00bs, but that would just be silly. If so, the n00bs' mastery of ineptitude would most likely render both the encoding and decryption flawed, and the already incoherent messages they send would become even more difficult to understand.
  • The term is commonly confused with n00b, nub, and also q00u. This is a misconception, because, although n00bs are identical in every imaginable way to newbs, n00bs, and q00us, in reality each belongs to a different phylum in taxonomic classification. n00bs are more closely related to the common chocolate biscuit than to n00bs, or q00us.

Learning, maturity, age and intelligence are inversely proportional to one's propensity to call someone a "n00b". The younger and stupider you become, the more likely you are to call someone a "n00b" or a "fugly slit111". And no, young people are not entitled to use the internet as much as older people. This is because we are simply better than you, and always will be. Clearly, because you are "n00bs" at life, to use your own weird logic.

Source: N00b wankz R3s3arch ggr0up

Dealing with n00bs[edit]

n00bs are the primary cause for decline in online pop culture

Under no circumstances should you ever talk to a n00b. They are highly dangerous in their extreme radioactivity and the communication can be fatal. If you DO get in a direct conflict with a n00b, it is best to use one of the following tactics explained below.

  • HOWEVER* make them cry. REMEMBER: n00bs have a right to be shunned and laughed at among the whole gaming community.

n00bs are often confused on internet games with deranged, semi-conscious, amputated llamas with little brain matter, because of the similarity in their gameplay abilities. In the event of an encounter with a n00b, one should take the following precautions:

  1. Turn off chat to prevent grammatically incorrect language overloads.
  2. If you cannot disable chat, turn off your computer immediately and curl up on the floor in a brace position. Do not contact relatives as n00biness is contagious and can spread to your loved ones.

Other Methods[edit]

Typical n00b got pwned.

The most primitive way to deal with a n00b is to smash their skull in with a large object. The best object to use would be their computer (this has extra effect as it calls up lots of emotion before their death, and a n00b with emotion is a rare sight). While they often inadvertently do get to do this to themselves by running into concrete walls, it still proves to be an effective method of n00b destruction as it leads to Dorkiness syndrome(except that they did start out as morons). Another very effective way to deal with n00bs is to use a purple twinkie, or, in desperate times... a grue.

Remember n00bs, regardless of their constant training, are totally inept at the usage of 1337. Whenever attempts to converse with n00bs are made using 1337 it will cause their small brains to blow and ooze out their ears. n00bs that are exposed to such verbal pwnage for prolonged periods will eventually die. Basically, you can train a n00b, but it will just be a trained n00b.

Foreign N00bs[edit]

Uncyclopedia n00bs
Other n00bs

When, on the rare occasion that they acquire a PC, some Mexicans have found a way to hook up to the intarwebs. They can often be spotted by their native bastardization of n00berisms. For example, "We are n00bs" would be "nosotros somos n00blamos", and so on. Also, they often times feel it necessary to insert their dialects into text-based communication, and will be prompted to place a G at the end of words that end in an and on.

Asian players are often times prompted to use internet translators to communicate with other English speaking players, resulting in a butchered version of Engrish. Common phrases that are used include "I am lag!" and "We roll on item now". Why these people even bother is still unknown, seeing as any attempt at communication results in ninja-looting the Sacred Charge from my Warrior.

GoldFarmers, often found on mmorpgs are mexicans and asians trying to do there best to make cash for their family.

Americans are by far the worst. These people constantly lag and can't spell words like "you", "A", "I", "Colour" or "potato". Many often find their ways onto overseas servers causing chaos and disrupting the general happiness of the server, then question why they got booted.

Europeans are especially troublesome, with the french speaking nations causing the most aggravation. Its almost like they have just learnt to speak and use voice com at the same time!!! The result is a terrifyingly noisy display of what sounds like the French language spoken underwater with a sock down their throat. The most established defence to this sort of n00b-strike is a hearty "STFU n00b, have you just learnt to talk???!one1". They never shut up!

1337 Obsessed n00bs are the kind of n00bs who constantly use l33t, even where it's not necessary. If possible, this type of noob would choose to speak l33t in real life! For example "Hello, friend" would become "Y |-|@|_() 7|-|@|2 |\|()()|3 3Y3 C()(_)|_[) ()|/\||\| J00 |_()|_!!!1111ONE". This type of n00b often speaks l33t incomprehensibly, hence their constant usage of the phrase "OMFGROFLMFAOWTFZOMGIPWNIRLFFSSTFUNUBZ", which roughly translates as "I own you".

People who under stood that are n00bs. WHO THE HELL COULD READ THAT?!

Recent studies show that the majority of n00bs found these days are often extremely timid. As such, an effective means of removing a n00b is to send him to a shock site.


  • For a pr0n-obsessed n00b, Meatspin is a good alternative, accompanied by the phrase "D00d! h4v3 j00 h3r[) of 7h15 pr0n s1t3, l33t5p1n?"
  • For an emo n00b, BME Pain Olympics is probably the best choice, with the phrase "1f y0u l1k p41n, j00 wi11 l0v3 B|\/|e p41n 0lymp1x0rz".
  • For a 7-year old gangsta n00b, it has to be Lemonparty, which can be baited with "l00k d00d, 1t5 a p1k 0f j00r m0mma". This will enfuriate him and make him go directly to it, to see why you even said it in the first place.

You shall most likely never see him again unless you are in the neighbourhood of the local insane asylum.

There is life beyond n00bness?[edit]

Despite the seriousness of the issue (a true matter of National Security), as well as the potential interest of any nation that aspires to prosper strategically in the near future in various areas of the knowledge, the topic "n00bs: what to do with'em ???" has in a certain way been evaded, maybe due to the intrinsecal implications of this cursed theme, among which the most important is perhaps the fact that this illness VIRTUALLY cannot be overcome, characteristically an inborn inheritance (this fact isn't proved, yet, but if you consider that a true n00b never improves its way of playing a game, maybe this assumption proceeds, in opposition to the simple 'state-of-being-a-begginer'). Being a byproduct of an ancient spell cast upon N00b Saibot, the N00bnificent, articulated in part due to a "n00b's luck movement" (don't mistake with the lesser shameful "begginer's luck" concept, because, by all means and measures, it's a new dimension of how to act dumbnessly yet luckily—the pros of the whole world know precisely what it means--) performed by him and in part because after all he is the 'king of all n00bs' and deserve to be cursed, this curse continues through the generations and show no signs of weakening, on the very contrary. Plus, with the rampant overpopulation of the contemporaneity, the reach of such unspeakably disastrous catastrophe (for the non-n00bs,also an endless boredom) covers the whole world and represents a quite serious threat to the future of the mankind (the day of the Great Dolphin Upheaval seems to be near). Interestingly enough, this recent state-of-things resembles the sayings of a somewhat obscure and forgotten [[Holly before of his 'limbo-like suspension', in which is said that by December 31, 2012 all the most deplorable integrants of the unsacred offspring of this n00bloodline will receive the redemption and reach the N00birvana, free of charge, a place where there's no one that can beat them, where everyone is the same, without the minimum difference between this n00b here by your side and that n00b over there. So says the prophecy.

Thats a boob, stupid

n00b speek[edit]

As many poor souls unfortunate enough to ever meet a n00b would have realized, n00bs have a very low grasp of the English language (yes,it is true,your mom is a n00b) and often use the excuses " my bad inglish be ecscused pl0x" or "me Dutch,ROAR" or other quotes further empthasizing that they are a n00b.1337 is also a major part of their vocabulary. E.g. (w00t, me 0wnzz 411 1010ll!!!1!1!111!!1. n00bs are pathologically required to speak this way, and if you do not like it, "u dnt hve 2 red ti". There is currently no known way to translate n00b speek. Computer Scientist theorize if it is ever possible to translate by machines, the algorithm lay inside EXPTIME and EXPSPACE, a fancy way to say it require [math]\displaystyle{ Jesus^n }[/math] Asian sweatshops to work for 900 light years.

Also some very common grammar errors occur like I R own you. Many n00bs usually bitch and whine like a 9 months pregnant woman and complain that you are glitching or haxing.

How to easily ward off an attacking n00b[edit]

Most people find very complex ways to ward of n00bs. such as: pointing their Ma5c at them, smacking their family jewels with an energy sword, and sticking a plasma grenade to them. but the easist way by far is to land you ODST Drop Pod on them, and the best part is they didnt even know it was coming.

mostly all n00bs are bad[edit]

“Although very surprising, not all n00bs are bad. Such ones would include behavior as being obedient to tactful requests to cease from doing something that's well, n00bish. Also, if you Really want the n00b population to die down, try giving them a bit of training. Then they actually have a chance of not being so, well, n00by. Unless you feed them potato, then they will spam you with the phrase " OMG I R VEGAN I DNT ET ANYTHN UNLSS I GT NO ANIMALZ IN ET!" If this happens you should say "Oh no, (s)he killed cappy-locks."”

~ N00b pleading with the administration in order to wuss out of a pwning.

See also[edit]