N00btube

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n00btube is a kind of sheltered workshop of the internet savannah where the smallest, weakest and most clueless members of the online herd gather for protection from administrators, huff daddies (smug, invisible creatures that feed on n00bs' hopes and dreams) and spotty Herberts.

Though few n00bs actually reach maturity of any kind, at n00btube they need not fear predation or teasing as they roam free across vast stretches of message board, leaving the same post 15 times because they weren't sure it worked the first 14, and emailing each other to ask "How was it again you actually upload video to this thing?"

Origins of n00btube[edit]

Taking to heart Whitney Houston's heartfelt opinion that "I believe the n00bs are our future", internet inventor Bill Gates and Congolese-Jewish immigrant Kazaa Napster applied to the Steve Jobs Foundation for funding for a sanctuary where the vulnerable, anchovy-sized creatures could have a fighting chance of surviving to become full-grown geeks.

Gates told Time magazine in 2004 that the small size and fragile egos of the n00bs (which are created when an adult computer geek fertilises the carpet under his computer desk while trying to type with one hand) rendered them vulnerable to extinction.

"If we don't invest in our n00bs today, our children might inherit a world without administrators, trolls and burger-flipping l33t speakers. Uh-uh. Not on my watch," Gates said.

In August 2004, the construction of n00btube began on the site formerly ocupied by Jurassic Park, which had been abandoned after all the dinosaurs died of bird flu.

How it works[edit]

n00btube has no administrators, which is not strictly true. On their first day at n00btube after being regurgitated by their parent geek, n00bs are immediately assigned to work for one day as an administrator, which pretty much has the same effect as having none. After their first 24-hour shift, noobs are set loose on the grassy plains, where they can romp around in a carefree manner while honing their unsophisticated homophobic insult skills.

n00btube almost suffered a catastrophe on its second full day of operation when the electric fence surrounding it shorted out after a n00b accidentally urinated on it. The sanctuary was immediately flooded by salivating administrators and huff daddies, but they were unexpectedly sent packing with their scaly tails between their legs after one brave young n00b pointed out that they were only new at this because for the past 10 years, they'd actually been outdoors having fun and sex.

Fast facts[edit]

  • Because of the unearthly glow emitted by the vast, untapped deposits of red links deposited by the teeming n00b population, n00btube is the only website visible from space.
  • n00btube is also rich in guano. Knee-deep in it, in fact.