National Football League
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“Damn it, it's my TV, and I'll do what I want with it!!!”
~ Jerry Jones on his megatron TV
“I'm sorry officer, I didn't know I couldn't do that.”
~ Any Cincinatti Bengals player on drunk driving
“They play football”
“It's not football, it's just bullshit”
~ Anyone not from America
“In Soviet Russia, Kyle Orton trades YOU!”
~ Russian Reversal on the Chicago Bears
“There's always next year!”
~ Detroit Lions fans on a winning season
“Aw man, not the Jets!”
~ Brett Favre on his trade to New York
“Aw man, not the Falcons!”
~ Tony Gonzalez on his trade to Atlanta
“Trade me goddamnit! I don't care which team!”
~ Anquan Boldin on being ignored in trade inquiries
“I'm gettin' my popcorn ready!”
~ Terrell Owens on knowing that his Bills will be sitting at home watching the Super Bowl this year
“HE COULD GO ALL THE WAY!”
~ Chris Berman on one night stands
“In this sport, I can make a pass at the tight end while trying to score. Not to mention all that ass-slapping.”
~ Oscar Wilde on the NFL
The Notorious Felons League (NFL) is a sexist organization of beings who are universally exempt from all serious, violent felonies, even murder, unless the crime was committed against oneself (like PlastiCo Burress), or animals (Michael ConVickt, who was penalized for unnecessary RUFFness). There's no question why these people can do whatever they want; everyone who plays an over-sized, interactive board game for a living is, by default, not under the jurisdiction of the Rule of Law, because, according to recent studies, NFL players are in fact not people. They are instead some of the only aliens yet encountered who are inept Spanish speakers.
Many are under the misconception that women do not play in the NFL because of their inferior strength and speed, or because men have no desire to fiercely tackle them. But the reality lies within the shoulder pads. You see, women have boobs, and the shoulder pads used in the NFL are not designed to incorporate such entities, although there is the argument that women could use their breasts for protection in place of shoulder pads.
NFL players have a tendency to be arrogant pricks, largely because they whine extensively when not handed eight-figure paychecks but instead seven-figure paychecks. Meanwhile, many Americans struggle to even to earn five-figure paychecks. In essence, there is no real difference between NFL players and unemployed, poor Americans, besides the fact that NFL players aren't poor.
Despite their immense wealth, NFL defensive players are unusually hungry. They could easily drop by a nearby McDonald's or supermarket, but instead they feel the need to aggressively pursue a tightly-wrapped ball of pigskin. Little to their knowledge, footballs are in fact filled with air, not the various organs found in living pigs.
By and large, NFL players have really weird names. And if they don't have really weird names, they have really weird nicknames. Originally, it was thought that these bizarre names were given by one's parents. However, recent studies of the human genome have revealed that names are in fact inherited genetically, proving the original theory, that one's name is designated by one's parents, wrong. Ergo, if one's parents have stupid names, one has a good chance of, too, having a stupid name.
At the end of the regular season and Playoffs, two NFL teams participate in something called the Super Bowl, and the winner of this game is given the title "World Champion". Many call this title a misnomer, because there is no evidence suggesting that any NFL teams have ever played against teams outside the U.S. Instead of sucking it up and actually taking on the British or Taiwanese, NFL teams and players just assume they are superior to everyone else at willfully jumping on top of other men.
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[edit] Teams
Each NFL team has a long and glorious history that is so complicated, it can easily be summed up in a short paragraph.
[edit] NFC
[edit] NFC North
The NFC North is the NFL's most historic division, combining for a colossal four Super Bowl wins by all the teams. The Packers dominated at the beginning but have fallen apart since fudge-packing became illegal in 1970. The last of these teams to win a Super Bowl was the '95 Packers, who made Brett Favre their offense AND defense due to his epic superpowers. The Vikings made arguably the worst trade in NFL football history when they traded Randy Moss to the Raiders for a fourth round draft pick that got them nowhere. And then there are the Lions...ummm...nothing much to say about them but 0-16.
[edit] Green Bay FudgePackers
The Green Bay FudgePackers, are the NFL's oldest team. They've been around since before video games and rice pudding. That explains their "queer" name and their "tasty" colors. Fudge-Packers history is long and glorious. They have won the most Championships of any team, and would have won the most Super Bowls as well, if the AFL and NFL had gotten their act together a year earlier, and if John Elway couldn't fly. Vince Lombardi, the man for whom the Super Bowl trophy is named, led the Packers to glory during the transition into the Superb Owl era. He did this with the on-field leadership of Ray Nitschke, a linebacker who "killed God", according to a local paper. The Golden Boy, Paul Hornung, was the last great running back to wear Reggie Bush's number in the NFL. Bart Starr's spiky haircut and in-your-face attitude led to his name being stolen and implemented by Matt Groening, and Max McGee cleared his vision enough to make great plays in the first Super Bowls. Although they had some dark times in the 70s and 80s, the Packers once again have emerged to become a powerhouse extending into the current era, under Superstar Quarterback Brett Favre. Favre, along with Reggie White, would bring another championship to the many they already had, and should have brought another one, but aparently, the NFL doesn't have rules against using flight steroids. It was believed at one point that Aaron Rodgers was going to be Favre's successor in Green Bay, but due to the Packers' stubborn dedication to Brett, this does not appear likely, and he will probably become another part of Jon Gruden's quarterback collection. Wait...never mind, it's Rodgers now. Thank God.
[edit] Minnesota Dyke Queens
The Norwegians are a violent horde of fearsome Norsemen, which would make one think that they would be perfect for the aggressive, war-like game of football. However, due their gross lack of understanding of even the most basic concepts of this foreign game, this is not actually the case. Their most promising era was during the late 60s and 70s when they prayed to the great and powerful Odin for victory in battle. In response, the mighty Odin sent them the Purple People Eaters who were very efficient in eating their opponents' offenses alive. Their favorite delicacy was quarterbacks. Striking fear into all the challengers the Vikings faced, the Purple People Eaters led the Vikings to four chances at the Superb Owl, but they failed each time. Later, as character problems arose, the Vikings eliminated trouble makers Randy Moss , Barney, and Daunte Culpepper. As a celebration for the extermination of the two, the Vikings players celebrated by hosting a Girls Gone Wild party. After that, the Vikings made the second worst trade in NFL history (behind the time the Vikings traded every draft pick from the 1989 draft for Hershel Walker), trading Randy Moss to the Raiders. That was when they started losing football games. The Vikings have gotten some new success in running back, Adrian Peterson, a prodigy greater than that of even LaDainian Tomlinson. Because of this, he has become approximately 115.9% of the Vikings' offense, and a small fraction of their defense, and is expected to achieve the first 100000000 yard season in NFL history. Please note that currently, the Vikings have fired most of their players in light of Adrian Peterson, and now only need 2 people (excluding Adrian) to play for them.
In case you hadn't heard from ESPN's 24/7 coverage, BRETT FAVRE HAS SIGNED WITH THE VIKINGS! OHMAGAWD
[edit] Da Bears
As Barack Obama said, they are long overdue for the Superbowl.
The "Mediocrity of the Midway" has probably the longest and most fucked up history of any NFL team, though their recent history has not been impressive at all since "Monster testing" has been put into effect. Devoid of their monsters, the Bears have struggled to keep up with the league's other teams, despite Brian Urlacher's tendency to bite off the heads of opposing players. Great players from Chicago's past include Gale Sayers (a wind elemental), Cade McNown (who later went on to rule the world), Sweetness (a taste elemental), and Dick Butkus (had some interesting hobbies). Chicago used to have the biggest asshole coach in NFL history, Teddy Bear Halas, who currently resides in a cave in Siberia eating heads with Brian Urlacher. Their current QB is Rex Grossman, who is comparable to the fragile leg lamp in A Christmas Story. When he breaks, the Bears will have to rely on Kyle Orton, who, despite his grizzly appearance, has been confirmed as a waste of air by NFL defenses.
[edit] DeToilet LOL WUT
The Lions are one of those teams that did a fantastic job turning a once proud franchise into moist toilet paper faster than you can say "Rod Marinelli likes men." Basically, they're the Red Wings in reverse. Named after "Lions," a derogatory term for white men in Letdown zoos, which started in DeToilet, they are entitled to as much free beer as they want forever and ever.
The golden era of Lion football peaked in the 1950s, with teams so great their members today could beat the current Lions effortlessly, though the youngest is currently in his 70s and only about a dozen players are still alive. The Lions have the distinction of having the greatest cornerback and running back in NFL history. The cornerback's name was Dick Lane. In 1989, a college criminal at Oklahoma State named Barry Sanders was sentenced to ten years with the Detroit Lions, and despite being one of the greatest running backs of all time, suffered miserably. He was eventually replaced by Tatum Bell, who proceeded to run off with everyone's luggage while shouting "I didn't do it!!" Recently, the Lions made a deal with the Make-A-Wish Foundation, and the organization sent Matt Millen to the Lions. The Lions are known to waste draft picks and hire bad coaches, ending careers before they even begin. Today, the Lions have the distinction of loading up on offense, specifically wide receivers, and leaving a variety of small rodents to play defense. This leads to an 0-16 season since almost every offensive player gets injured and Daunte Hotpepper comes in. They are pretty much the same as the Cincinnati Johnsons, except for the fact that they have only one notable Johnson on their roster (who they traded to the Dallas Cowboy Douchebags). Now the 2009 NFL Draft comes along and what do the Lions do? They draft yet another over-hyped player who will only get about three career starts for the team. Sorry Matt, you are a Lion now! You should have expected this! They are one of the worst teams in history, but due to Cleveland being consistently bad, the Lions have some hope of not having the title as the worst team ever.
[edit] NFC East
The NFC East is the most competitive division in the NFL because it's the only division in which all the teams are actually good. Granted the Cowboys are constantly taking players from the Eagles (the rejected ones anyways), the Giants kick ass, and the Redskins can never decide if they want a good season or not.
[edit] Washington Foreskins
They first came around as a group joined with Tecumseh but were easily defeated by William Henry Harrison who threw for 4 touchdowns and had 381 passing yards. Their arch rival is Andrew Jackson, the greatest gambler ever. Like many teams from the 1850's, this team was named after those darn Indians, who wouldn't just let us take the land God gave us in all his wisdom. This team was the only one to put them in their place with a name that called them what they were, lousy sub-human squatters. Anyway, the team had the distinction of being the only team from "the South" (as apparently reconstruction was a little behind schedule) for many years, before Dallas applied for a football team. As this was obvious to the Redskins management that having a team actually based in the south that also happened to not have a racist name was a bad deal for "the South's" team, they blocked the move. Dallas's ownership bought the rights to the Redskins' theme song ("Rail to the Headskins") and renamed it "Heil to der Fuhrer," in retaliation. Ever since, the teams have hated each other though Dallas can never beat the Redskins and take their land away. But enough about the most bitter rivalry in the NFL, you want to know about the team.... blah blah blah. Let's talk some more about the racist name. Dan Snyder, the current owner, is trying the patent the word "Redskin" so that no one can use it without paying him $20 and giving him Skittles, but that's partially to stop all the protests in the parking lot before each game. Every season the Redskins get buttraped by every team on the road but at home, they gather their arrows, put on their warpaint, and kill any football player who tries to reclaim Washington D.C. in the name of the Caucasian Horde led by Jim Zorn.
The greatest NativeAmericanFootballTeam players have been drunk, or stupid, or both. For goodness sakes, Sonny Jurgensen was traded with Philadelphia for Norm Snead and a box of Tastykakes. He spent Saturday afternoon downing a few, then would throw the ball with such artistry and grace that the angels wept... because they had the over-under at 75. Then there was his rival, Bill Kilmer, who stank because he wouldn't shower in August. Then there was Joe Theismann, who once faked out the Riddler on a punt return and brought the ball to Gotham City. Joe's career was ended when his leg was broken on national television. ABC liked the idea so much they made him a commentator, only to break his leg at the end of every Monday Night Football game.
And John Riggins. Sui generis.
Redskin fans <All seventeen of them> all say three things in unison: "We're going to win the Super Bowl" in July, "Play the backup QB" in October, "Fire the coach!" in December, and "Last year was a fluke!" in March.
[edit] New York Midgets
The New York Giants are anything but Giants of the game. Their past few years have been marked by worthlessness, ever since getting their asses beat by Baltimore in the Super bowl. The team had a few rays of sunshine, namely Tiki Barber. Fortunately, Tiki Barber will no longer be playing for the Giants. Jeremy Shockey, a deranged former pro-wrestler, was probably the best player they had left, but he was traded to New Orleans. He currently owns the title for best tattoo after defeating the incumbent, a member of MS 13. Eli 'don't call me the brother of... no seriously guys, stop picking on me, guys? Guuuuhuuuuys! Wheee heee. Daaaddyyyyyy' Manning, the current Giants quarterback and the brother of Peyton Manning, became a plague when he decided not to head to San Diego, and instead play for the Giants. When the staff saw Eli play in his first game, they were absolutely infuriated at the fact that they found someone worse than Anthony Wright. It was even rumored that the New York mob had set up his funeral the next day. Well, off of the negatives, let's try to find a player worthwhile to talk about. There is only one such player, Plaxico Burress or Plastic Co Burress. Burress is known to have the stickiest hands in the entire league after an unfortunate glue accident where he was shot with glue rays and became the Incredible Stick. Plaxico tends to not tackle defenders that have intercepted the ball, fist fights with 61 year old head coach Tom Coughlin when he doesn't get his way, is known to gangbang with the Carolina Panthers after they lose a game, and loves to throw his hands in the air in disgust when his teammates do not achieve at a high enough level. Also, he enjoys BDSM and inflicting pain upon himself, as evidenced when he "accidentally" shot himself in the cock. They also have Jared Lorenzen who is about 600 pounds overweight.
[edit] Philadelphia Epic Fails
The Philadelphia Feagles, The 1st NFL team fallen under the T.U.B.N. plan (Teams Using Bird Names) are also known as "One of the most beloved team in sports to fail on the grand stage", has the best luck of any franchise in the NFL. Seriously. They're luckier than the Yankees. And Jesus, but not the Jews. I mean, think about it. A kicker whose long FG was 12 yards on the year and was .2563941/85 on the season hits a 62 yard FG while time expires to win the game. Donovan McNobb (the black man with the irish last name) tears his ACL and ANAL untouched. Terrell Owens snaps his ankle just in time for his new string of workout videos "Competitive Driveway Workouts". Randall Cuntingham gets injured in 1991, when the Feagles had the best defense in the league of girl scouts, and they miss the playoffs; then again what else is new? Rich Kotite. They're blessed. They also have, hands down, the dumbest fans in the NFL. An average I.Q. of 6. Year after year the Feagles figure out new ways to rip their fans hearts out, and they keep coming back. However this has nothing to with the fact that 78% of them are zombies experts also agree that over 98% of fan have some form of genital herpes. As evident by the bleeding of green. The Feagles are the NFL's scavengers, eating up teams that got the shit beaten out of them by better teams. When cornered, the Feagles are quickly shot down and put on the mantle of disgust as evidenced by their tie with the Bengals. But still, at least some people like them I guess? When attending a Feagles game, watch the sidelines very closely. You may just see McNobb crying to mother for more soup.
[edit] Dallas Cowpimps
Ahh the Dallas Cowgirls(Named after the homos who are hired), the most famous and debated team in NFL history...over nothing. Two sides, one who views the 'Boys as the greatest team on the planet, the other, doesn't think that the Cowboys are worth shit. Yet, people will kill each other over this issue. The 'Boys started as a grand football team, coughing out players such as Roger Staubach, Emmitt Smith, Troy Aikman, and Michael Irvin. Not to forget, Tony Homo, the greatest butt pirate who ever lived. The showers is where all of their drama happens. This is where Tony Romo and T.O. recorded their first sex tape. This hard-core action resulted in a ridiculous loss to the Eagles because Romo forgot how to handle the balls. His countless playoff mistakes changed the way the job was done for the better, and was even given the unprecedented honor of being inducted into the Pro-Football Hall of shame while still active. However, the 'Boys tanked when they picked up a fluke named Ryan Leaf. After that, Dallas went from heroes on the high rise to zeros in the shithole. This all would change when Dallas placed T.O. at the helm of the team, rodeoing him as mad as any good ole' Great Plain wild mustang. Things went well like a fairy tale...but they didn't reach a Super Bowl. The 'Boys were so overhyped, most of the starters didn't even participate in the playoffs and decided to just have some good ole' Texas redneckin' gangbangin' with the Carolina Panthers lesbian cheerleaders. Result was they lost before the playoffs to the Philadelpia Eagles, THE BEST TEAM IN THE FUCKING WORLD(really)!!!!!! Dallas has now re-loaded with a felon, but they will be fine because Jesus, otherwise known as Jason Whiteman is super pwn-age. Can they win a Super Bowl, Tony Romo doesn't care about..as long as hes banging Terrell Owens...HARD!!! The Cowboys have been fighting off homosexual thoughts since the beginning of the 2000s and failing.
The Dallas Cowbabies are charter members of the Axis of Sports Evil.
[edit] NFC South
The NFC South is the only division where there are, to be honest, no good football players. Sure you have Drew Brees and Steve Smith. Beyond that nothing else seen. This division also has a team with a 100% black roster, the Rapping Dog Fighters with a slight case of herpes.
[edit] Atlanta Dog Fighters
The Millennium Falcons are the 200th team enacted under the NFL's new T.U.B.N. plan (Teams Using Bird Names). At the time of naming the team, a poll was taken in Atlanta for possible team names; The most popular were the Atlanta Pigeons (as Atl is filled with these shitting fuckers), Atlanta Swans (the name seemed admissible being Atlanta has the 2nd largest gay population in the U.S.), Atlanta SeaGull wings (theres no oceans in Atlanta so the person that voted for this was maimed and sent to sleep with the fishes), and Atlanta Wet Willies (theres a pending law suit from the famous club in Miami for possible trademark and copy right infrigements). Thus the owner of Atlanta, The Billion dollar man Ted Turner (wealthier cousin of the Million Dollar Man Ted Debiase) decided that despite Atlantians wanting the NFL team to be called the Atlanta Birdshitters, he would prefer the name be the Falcons, coinciding with the Atlanta Hawks (the worst NBA team in NBA history), and Thrashers (a bird that supposedly thrashes all its opponents, yet has never won anything significant.)
When the Atlanta dogfighters were an expansion team, they were placed in the NFC West and promised the Dallas Cowboys' spot in the NFC East the next time the NFL realigned. 30+ years later, they were finally moved to the NFC South (which was created for them), and the Cowboys STILL got to keep their spot in the NFC East. Until that time, the Falcons had to stay in the same division as the 49ers, the best team in football during that stretch. Because of this, many Falcons claim that the NFL unfairly favors the Cowboys and hates the Falcons. They're right, of course, but nobody cares, because nobody likes the Falcons. They made the Super Bowl that one year anyway, right? Woo run-and-shoot! Er, wait, that was gone by then (freaking Jamal Anderson...). They've had many great players over the years. Ok, so maybe they haven't, they DID have a lot of uniform changes, though, and that's almost as good. Ok, so maybe not. Anyway, Deion Sanders prime time wasn't so prime anymore! Man, he was awesome before he left, wasn't he? Chris Chandler wasn't bad either until he started finishing every game in the ER. And how about that Michael Vick and you know PETA was all up on his grill!, huh? Best running back in the NFL. On another note, the term Dirty Birds actually derives from their current team. Vick is flipping them at Mora and Arthur Blanks (Falcons owner), Mora is flipping them at Vick and Blanks, Blanks is flipping birds at Vick, Mora, and the enitre city of Atlanta, while everyone else is flipping birds them at the receivers and Agle Crumple. Meanwhile the world is flipping off Vick. (and his cell mate is flipping that booty ruff house style) This team sure knows how to win in a dogfight, though...
The Falcons are the luckiest team to have survived for 1600 years without any brains.
[edit] Carolina Pantherzzzz
The Carolina Panthers are the last team to be given a useless name under the Useless Names Given to Useless Teams Amendment. This team got the team name of "Panthers" from the name of Michael Jackson's play-mate, Panther. The Panthers are deeply associated with Michael Jackson, because Steve Smith hates him. At one point, the organization was known for being insanely racist, and frequently instituted KKK members as players and coaches. This was until Roger Goodell knocked some sense into those bastards, causing them to become slightly less racist, though they still have a white quarterback (as most teams do, strangely enough). A move is being made to rename the team the "Carolina Black Panthers," though it is also condemned as being racist. God, what the hell can we come up with that can't be considered racist?! GAAAAAAHHH!! I'M GOING HOME!! Interesting fact: More Panthers fans have been known to wear Dale Earnhardt gear to games than Carolina Panthers gear. Also, their cheerleaders apparently enjoy vigorously finger-blasting each other in the men's washroom of a McDonalds. Although this is not technically any different than any other NFL cheerleaders, they were stupid enough to get caught. Dah well.... moving right along to more important teams.
[edit] New Orleans Aint's (as in Ain't gonna win)
They say that nice guys finish last. From this statement, you can tell the Saints' entire history. For fifteen years, the Saints best record before 1979 was 3-11. It is surprising that the Saints had a Manning quarterback who was not good whatsoever. Recently, however, the Saints have picked up their game. In 2005 the Saints lost only once. Unfortunately, it was to Hurricane Katrina and it counted 13 times. This year's team is doing much better since the Houston Texans gave them Reggie Bush in a deal that was "absolutely not orchestrated by the league to make the feel-good sports story of the century," according to an official report. The Saints have continued to win games but this is all due to the Saints molesting the other teams before the game. The Saints have also picked up whiny ass tight end Jeremy Shockey who the Giants were so glad to get rid of. Drew Brees, the Saints' quarterback, insists he did not fake a shoulder injury because he was in the conspiracy. He just wanted out of San Diego.
[edit] Tampa Bay Fuccinqueers
The Fucs have had one of the most miserable histories of all NFL teams. When the expansion team began in 1976, disaster struck. The Fucs finished 0-14 and were literally killed by the competition. Half of the players were brutally murdered by the powerful opponents, and the other half committed suicide when forced to look at the team uniforms. The team managed to win a Superb Owl in the 2002 season, and did well until the 2006 season, where their gaining popularity attracted rival pirate clans where they were brutally slaughtered, again. Despite all of that, Ronde Barber was brought back from the dead by consuming his brother Tiki's soul, where Ronde managed to win 4 games by himself. In response to Ronde destroying Tampa Bay's chances of getting the first overall pick in the draft, he was burned at the stake and is now serving time in Hell working as an anchor for ABC News. To answer this occurrence, the team proceeded to sign every available quarterback they could get, as long as they had no football ability whatsoever, and were able to put coach John Gruden back in his happy place. The team recently acquired Jeff Garcia based solely on his notariety of having the biggest forehead in football. That forehead must have some real huge eyes as in 2007 Jeff Garcia threw 3 interceptions. Linebacker Derrick Brooks has been given the title "The Most Tobacco Smokin', White Woman Snatchin', Spine Snappin', Pot Lickin', Cat Lovin', Darned Scalawag of a Buccaneer of all the Seven Seas" or simply known as "Blackskin". The team's bus Cadillac Williams tore a wheel and backup bus Earnest Graham drove them to the biggest choke ever.
[edit] NFC West
This division, until the realignment in 2002 was very geographically correct. The Atlanta Falcons, New Orleans Saints and Carolina Panthers were in this division. Then the NFC south was created in 2002 to accommodate teams with less than 5 playoff appearances. Since then, the NFC West has bitten the dust into victorylessville...literally.
[edit] San Francisco 69ers
(Though based in San Francisco, this team surprisingly has nothing to do with the number 69. Nevertheless, the team retired the jersey number 69 before anyone ever had it.) The San Francisco 69ers moved from the AFC to the NFL a very long time ago, and brought their uniforms with them, and is the first team to be given a useless name under the Useless Names Given to Useless Teams Amendment. The idea for the name 69ers came from exactly much you can pay for gay sex in San Francisco. They didn't change their uniforms for 40 years after that, and the new ones they picked out looked even worse. But at least they didn't look like the Titans' unis. Ugh. Anyway, they had years and years of pathetic almost-goodness, before picking up Bill Walsh from some local college team. He immediately went to work righting the ship, singing O. J. Simpson, a player that would serve as a role model for his young team both on the field and off. He then went to work drafting great players like Joe "Glass Jaw" Montana (who holds the NFL record for broken backs), Dwight "White Guy" Clark (who played receiver though he couldn't jump), Ronnie Lott (who had 24-hour supervision after he removed his own finger), Jerry Rice (who played until he was 50), Steve Young (who wasn't as good as MONTANA, for crying out loud), Charles Haley (who left so he could win more Superb Owls), and Terrell Owens (the greatest team player in NFL history). Walsh won some of Superb Owls, but his teams played dirty and used cut blocks, so he was eventually run out of town. Then Seifert was brought in, but he was run out because he didn't win as many Superb Owls. The 69ers used a strategy of trading away their best players at the peak of their careers to help make their team better for a longer time. This worked great until Young retired before reaching his prime, which just screwed the whole system up. Then they wasted a draft pick on Alex Smith, a quarterback destined for the bench. Now the team is languishing in patheticness as each of the best players is traded away in their prime. The next scheduled trade is Frank Gore, the 69ers' latest Pro Bowler.
Also duly noted, being in San Francisco (the Gay Capital of America) makes the 69er's the NFL's gayest team by default. As seen during the pres game shows and halftime performances at the now infamous "Mile High Stadium". (this is not to be confused with the "Mile High Club" which can be found in your local friendly skys)
This is where all the unmemorable Pitt football players get drafted.
[edit] Seattle Starbucks
The Starbucks were added in 1976 as an expansion team to the NFC Central. They were later moved to the AFC West, and finally back to the NFC West. The Seahawks are also one of only three teams to make the championship games in both Conferences, but nobody cares because they've never won it all. What's sad is that they're the best sports franchise Seattle has to date. Pity. The Starbucks stole the 12th man from Texas A&M, which is currently under review by the NFL as a possible violation of the "11 men on the field at any given time, maximum" rule. Because of this, the Starbucks were stripped of the Super Bowl title and it was given to the Pittsburgh Steelers and their kamikazee Quarterback.
The greatest player in Starbucks history was Steve Largent, who WAS considered the greatest receiver ever until he became a Republican Senator, and no one wanted to admit they thought a Republican was good at anything. Oh wait, there was that one guy Jim Zorn but he was a Starbucks QUARTERBACK so no one cares at all. Current stars include Shaun Alexander (record-holder for most touchdowns scored while smiling), Lofa Tatupu (current holder for most misspelled name for a 2005 rookie), Matt Hasselbeck (the only guy to escape the grasp of being Brett Favre's back-up and still suck) and Walter Jones (biggest man on campus). Mike Holmgren, their current coach, is known for being a Packer. Stop laughing!
[edit] Arizona Nardicals
The Arizona Cardinals are the 1st team to be added under the NFL's new T.U.B.N. plan (Teams Using Bird Names) somehow making it a good idea. Oldest team ever, but since they are so bad nobody remembers that or where the team originated from.After severe controversy surrounding the fact that the only birds in Phoenix are Vultures (hot ass desert), the state decided to step in and request that the Cardinals be named "Arizona" instead. (however, no one really cared or gave a rat's ass so moving right along....)
The Cardinals are one of few teams that has consistently been rotting garbage for nearly their entire existence, and have been a laughingstock for years. No really. Even Lions fans laugh at them. Arizona is commonly referred to as "the place where careers go to die". (unlike the Oakland Raiders where players go who careers are over forever...) In their long history the Cardinals have only mustered up a few legends, such as Dan Dierdorf, Frank Sanders, Neil Rackers, Edgerrin James, and Kurt Warner. Still, the team gets high attendance due to the halftime entertainment, in which Dennis Green and Leonard Davis battle in an eating competition (They are who we thought they were!). However, on the field the Cardinals are always at the bottom of the league. They are who we thought they were. The complete personification of Losers. (Sorry Browns Fans, this title is taken.)
****UPDATE***
The Cardinals went to the Super Bowl.
And lost.
[edit] St. Loser Dodge Rams
The St. Loser Rams originally started off as a team from some other league playing in Cleveland. They were pretty mediocre, but the NFL accepted them anyways, except that the owner of the team left the officials, coaching staff, and players back in the other league. So they decided to get new players, but the team sucked until the Cleveland Rams won their first NFL title a long time ago. They decided to move to Los Angeles the year after the Championship, and did pretty okay. At this time, they had a defensive line called the "Fearsome Foursome" (no sexual joke intended) which helped their fanbase in Los Angeles. They went into a slight decline in the 70's, until some dude named Jack Youngblood got the Rams to the Super Bowl by himself only to have his career ended by a broken leg against the Steelers. They had crap seasons in the years following that Super Bowl, so their crackwhore owner moved them to Anaheim and kept the Los Angeles name, even though Los Angeles is about 2 hours away from Anaheim. Their seasons there were lackluster, and they decided to move to St. Louis for no obvious reason. The Rams got ahold of some Pop Warner player, Kurt Warner, a former Spice Girl who took the Rams to the Super Bowl. Warner is now a washed up windbag (because of his oldness) and plays with the Cardinals for that reason. It seems that this team just cannot not go a whole game without throwing at least five interceptions because of Marc Ballhogger. The Rams still have a few of their Super Bowl players left (and they're really old), who include Isaac Bruce (San Francisco), Torry Holt (Asylum), and some other guys that nobody really knows about(the team that loses).
[edit] AFC
[edit] AFC East
Just a bunch of cheaters and has-beens. Enough said, except for O.J. but that's another story.
[edit] New England Cheatriots
The douschebags were a team that had moderate success in Boston, before moving to New England and getting whooped in the Superb Owl by the Bears. Then they were quickly demoralized and became the worst team in the NFL, so in the early 90s they hired Superb Owl winning coach Bill Parcells, and all was well. They went straight back to the Superb Owl... and lost again, this time murdered by the Packers. The team fell from grace again, and it wasn't until the New England douschebags Act was passed in 2001, which made it legal for the Patriots to win the Superb Owl by any means necessary (emphasis added). Luck was added due to the completely ridiculous tuck rule, whichmade the Patriots barely win against the Raiders (The Raiders were in the playoffs?). After winning three Superb Owls in four years (All won by a field goal from Adam Vinateri, the bitchiest kicker of all time) in ways that made Tom Brady look like Joe Montana, Bill Belichick look like Vince Lombardi, and Tedy Bruschi look like Dick Butkus, it's turned out they only won by cheating and stealing(though spygate was probably the biggest case of mass hysteria brought on by envious Superfans and Analysts since the Salem witch trials which ironically happened in New England 400 years prior) other teams' signals, even tho they only did it once in 2007 after they had won the 3 Superb Owls, and that it had nothing to do with Adam Vinatieri being the second coming of Christ. That was just a coincidence. Oh, by the way, he's gone...and the lost the Super Bowl. Looks like kickers are pretty important. *Update.... Tom Brady and the Pats LOST Superb Owl 42 in what sports analysts have called the "Greatest Comeback"in NFL history. Which is insane because whatever happened to the 1992 Divisional Playoffs when the Bills Came back from a 37 points deficit to beat the oilers. "What's that light outside my window?.....WHO'S THERE?...BILL, PUT THE CAMERA AWAY." They're whole team is led by Super Devil Tom Brady (not to be mistaken for Amy Winehouse), who is the founder of BULLSHIT. Hey, get me a beer will ya?
Thanks.
[edit] Winnipeg Jets
The Winnipeg Jets (formerly the Jersey Kamikazes or the New York Jews) were the second team to be given a useless name under the Useless Names Given to Useless Teams Amendment. This team is called the Jets because they fly all over the world to see stupid shit, specifically your mom. At their last stop in 2005, after a 3-13 season with the Jets, Herman Edwards was reported to have been tossed off the airplane by Chad Pennington after violating his apple pie. Edwards swore ultimate vengeance on all fruit filled pastries and ended up in Kansas City, where he took off by coaching the Kansas City Chiefs, and told them that you play to win the chicks and the beer and not the game. The Jets then hired Bill Belichick's former henchman as their coach, and compiled a 0-0 record in the month after his hiring. The Jets recently signed former great Joe Namath to a 5 year/700 Jack Daniels contract to play linebacker for them. Eric Mangini asked Namath how he feels about this to which he replied, "I want to kiss you". Mangini declined and ended up getting raped by Namath that night after he took too many Nyquil's. In 2008, Mangini then received a phone call saying that legendary Brett Favre was coming to the Jets. Mangini was happy with Favre with the exception of getting butt-raped by Favre on every plane ride to New England and every win. The Jets have an 8-4 season, which means Mangini will have a hard time sitting down till after January. Scratch that, the Jets messed up again like they always do. Sorry Mangini, you have to get a job at Cleveland. Now in the 2009 NFL Draft, the Jets drafted the King of the Spics named Mark Sanchez. However, it is most likely that Sanchez will get caught for his illegal immigration and will be returned to Mexico.
[edit] Miami Dollfucks
The Miami Dolphins are probably the best team in the NFL's AFC division history. As shown with the pretty successful history since its enacting into the NFL in 1867. In 1972, under the toolage of Don Schula (the teams best coach), the team went undefeated and won the Superb Owl. No other NFL team has ever done that before or since including the 2008 N.E. Pats, who lost miserably to the Giants in Superb Owl 42 in what all sports analysts title the "Greatest Can Opening of Whoopass" in sports history!) But enough about that, I guess.
Then in 2007, they went -1-15. It was interesting since ?Ronnie Brown? set a record in the only win the had. The record was for singing the most American Idol songs while gaining 0 yards or less. After Dan Marino retired, the Dolphins had trouble at quarterback. This was the era in which the Dolphins became the first and only team in NFL history to manage to score negative points in a game. A.J. Feeley, Jay Fiedler, Ray Lucas, Joey (Falcon Bound) Harrington, Gus "Head Trauma" Frerotte, Daunte "Love Boat" Culpepper, Trent 'ouch my head' Green and Cleo (Cocktail Fruit) Lemon have all attained legendary goat status in Miami. They were coached by Nick "The Vacuum Cleaner Salesman" Saban until he decided to quit without being man enough to tell his players or coaches in person (or at all). Oh yeah . . . and Ricky Williams smokes weed and is SAD in case you hadn't heard. (No, seriously, he has a anxiety disorder called SAD or Social Anxiety Disorder) as shown by him wearing his helmet during post game interviews and leaving the NFL to play in the CFL (Canadian Football League??? WTF???)
As stated by Williams in several interviews.... "this is not because of the weed smoking. I only use it to help with my SAD disorder." Then Miami needed a quarterback and who did they get? Jets reject Chad Pennington, a quarterback who is known for the being only reason a team loses football games. The Dolphins only star is a player named previously mentioned ?Ronnie Brown?, a player whose has half his leg amputated from constant leg injuries. The Dolphins also probably made the worst draft choice in the 2008 NFL Draft when they drafted with the 1st overall pick, and get this, a fucking offensive tackle named Jake "I'm Not In It For The" Long-Haul. Looks like Miami is fucked yet again. Ironically, the dipshit who wrote this doesn't understand football whatsoever because Bill "Grandma Pants" Parcells engineered yet another turnaround for another shitdump team.
[edit]
The Buffaronto Bills are the third team to be given a useless name under the Useless Names Given to Useless Teams Amendment. The only standout things about Buffalo are O.J. and four Super Bowl losses. Can't get the job done and their best player in history was an axe murderer (Even if the glove doesn't fit O.J., we white people know you did it)? Sounds like grand history. They went down the shitter after fucking up a 5-1 season in 2008. Also they are the only team that can score 54 points against a shitty team 1 week (on the road) and then get stomped on by another shitty team (at home) and only score 3 points.... thanks dick. To make a long story short, the Bills are a team that is over hyped for their stature and when it comes to playing football games, their balls drop off.
The Bills are one of two teams that cannot seem to win at home (The other is Kansas City), amassing a total of three points per home game. The team used to play in Toronto. When they were in Toronto, they were one of the very best, winning almost every superbowl. This was because many players on opposing team were denied admission to Canada because of their criminal records. Teams had to find wimpy mediocre substitutes without rap sheets to take their places. Those without rap sheets are bad tacklers and get sacked all too well.
The other teams petitioned the NFL to force the Toronto team to move to the states or else they would refuse to play them again. The team compromised and moved to Buffalo, close enough to Toronto, but in the States, so no visas would be required.
Of interest to note is that many people, including those from Ontario, still refer to them as the Toronto team.
[edit] AFC West
The AFC West is the NFL's worst division in the NFL, having more losses in a two year span than wins combined by all teams. If they are good at something, then they are really bad at something else. Broncos are good on offense, terrible at defense. Chargers are good on offense, but getting better at defense. The Raiders are pretty bad on offense and have absolutely no defense, except for Nnamdi Asomugah, who seems to be God to all religions, and the Kansas City Chiefs are overall bad at everything possible. Seems like a pattern has taken hold.
[edit] Oakland Panty Raiders
Known throughout the league as the most brutal team out there. So brutal in fact that by law and Executive Order #6875309 they cannot be broadcast on radio or television. Owned by a 12143423 year old man named Al "Antichrist" Davis. He insists on making all the decisions despite being as alive as Pope John Paul II. Silver & Black, signifying their servants' ill-gotten gains, and black, signifying their empty, pitted souls. The Raiders have a tendency of being criminals and pot-addicts. In fact, Al Davis makes sure each player has been in jail, and has the smell of weed, in order to be signed by the Raiders. If not they are forced to go into Al Davis's office, where he can pull a medieval lever. The Raiders have a reputation as the most vicious team in American sports. In a 1991 game against Cincinnati, Defensive End Howie Long recorded fifteen sacks, twenty two tackles and nine interceptions after bringing a gun onto the playing field and threatening to "wax some muddahfukkahs" unless the Bengals purposely turned the ball over. The Raiders are also the first football team to incorporate on Nazi on their roster, a subservient to the Third Reich named Fred Biletnikoff. He and fellow SS officer Kenny Stabler went on a rampage across the NFL, making a Holocaust of many unfortunate teams to cross their path. However, Biletnikoff and Stabler were prosecuted for crimes against humanity and never played football again. When the Raiders went back to the San Quentin State Prison and found safety Jack "The Assassin" Tatum, they found the most feared football player to ever exist. It is said that wide receivers wouldn't go to the game if they were facing Oakland. Quarterbacks wet their jockstraps, running backs would shit their girdles, hell, even the O-line was intimidated by this guy. But after he broke the back of a very brave wide receiver that finally challenged him to a football game, Tatum was taken back to San Quentin. After the Tatum era, the Raiders fell into a sloop and began attacking law enforcement. A recent film called "The Gangs of Oakland" sheds light into the long-lasting Raider-police war. The Raiders always win games, but only by breaking into the opponents locker room, shooting them, and running before anybody calls the cops. But still, this team sucks ass anyway...even after not picking the #1 WR in the '09 draft. Raiders fans often rip on the Chiefs (see below) despite getting there asses kicked by the chiefs in there own stadium the last 7 years.
Throughout the years, the Raiders have attracted such great players, such as Daunte Culpepper, Cade McNown, Hayley Williams, Kyle Martino, Mao Zedong, Britney Spears, Adolf Hitler, Ian McShane, Boohbah, Teletubbies, Your mom, David Boston, Stalin, Bob Saget, Jamie Lynn Spears, Arsehole Hall, Peter Potamus, Wally Gator, and Riolu.
The most famous, hottest, and sexiest are the sex-toys Peter Potamus, Wally Gator, and Riolu.
[edit] San Diego Chiggers
The Chargers were the first professional football team to be named for spending money, though several followed this illustrious trend since. San Diego has been the home to some of the best offensive and defensive players in NFL history, though unfortunately not at the same time, which accounts for their whopping zero NFL championships. They do however have an AFL championship, which they swear is just as good, but the world knows better. In the 60's and 70's, Lance Alworth (nicknamed Bambi because his mother was murdered in cold blood by gunmen) was quite possibly the most graceful receiver of all time, before they allowed blacks to play. In the 80's, Dan Fouts (often mistaken for Grizzly Adams in public) would throw to Kellen Winslow (a well-named tight end) to try to keep up with the huge leads their defenses would give up. In the 90's, the focus changed when the Chargers traded away their entire offense for Junior Seau, who somehow managed to get to the Super Bowl by himself. He was overmatched by the 49ers, however, as they had 22 great players to the Chargers' one player total. Modern greats in San Diego include L.T. more like booty (Greatest running back Marty Schottenheimer ever coached, since he doesn't fumble at the goalline in the playoffs like that Byner jerk), Antonio Gates (a basketball great who was signed since San Diego has no basketball team; though San Diego used to be home of the Houston Rockets and Los Angeles Clippers), and Drew Brees... oh wait, nevermind. He was donated to New Orleans for hurricane relief... Well, at least they've still got a great coach in Marty Schottenheimer. Oh wait...but they still kick ass in the regular season, only to choke in the first round of the playoffs. But now with turner, they would only be subpar in the regular season, and then they kick the colt's asses in the playoffs
[edit] Denver Horseshit
At first blush, the Denver Broncos may strike someone as having the ugliest uniforms in the AFC West. But, as hard as it is to believe now, they were once even uglier. Early Broncos history has been lost in history due tot he successful invasion of a Stanford Cardinal from Baltimore. The only record they even existed is a mention in the great Cowboy chronicle "The showdown at the Superdome," which mentions Craig Morton, a Bronco, threw 7 interceptions. The Raider from the coast (John Elway, or "The Horse Smiler" as his enemies called him) quickly rode into town and laid down a new law. This law was that quarterbacks could now run, offense could win championships, and the quarterback would now take snaps from the guard. Many of these reforms proved unsuccessful, but that didn't stop one man from going out of his way to bring a Championship to Denver. This didn't work either, of course, and so he finally allowed the team to let other players on the field near the end of his career, when it seemed his dream would never be fulfilled. Finally surrounded by other players in the same, butt-ugly jerseys as his own, he triumphed over the league, then did it again the next year to make sure it wasn't a dream. Then he left. Apparently, they now have a quarterback named Jay Cutler but no one knows for sure. Heard of the phrase the shit hit the fan? Well, that phrased is used to sum up every Broncos season from now and into the future. Interesting note: all Bronco history AFTER Elway has been lost, too. Oh, and get this! That no-named quarterback got traded to Da Bears for about over 9000 draft busts and Kyle "Two-Can" Orton. Good job fags! Jay Cutler was traded because the new coach that nobody cares about told him he wasn't as strong as Chuck Norris.
[edit] Kansas City Iron Chiefs
This team sucks so much, no one except for Mewtwo's brother wants to write about them. They are the ONLY team in the NFL to have a Hispanic tight end that is actually good but, of course, everyone knows that there is no fucking tight end in NFL history that can carry a team to a Super Bowl. The Chiefs play home games in Arrowhead Stadium, a building where no one except Jesus has ever, EVER, EVAR been able to win, ever, not even the Chiefs themselves...ever.
It's not the Chiefs fault that they suck however, in 1989 a curse came in the form of Carl Peterson. When King Carl isn't doing his best to get first overall draft pick, he gives the Chiefs fans hope until the very end where he crushes that hope with a humiliating loss. What's funny is that they have a player named Tyler Thigpen. How retarded!
- UPDATE****
The Chiefs just traded their only good player, Tony Gonzalez, to the Falcons. But get this, it's for a second round pick in 2010. Good job fucktards!
Now the Chiefs are wenches again...
[edit] AFC South
The AFC South is completely overshadowed by Peyton Manning that we know nothing else about the other teams. It is so bad, nobody noticed that there was a Tennessee Titans until 2008 but then everyone forgot when they lost their undefeated season to the Jets.
[edit] Indianapolis Peyton Mannings
Used to be the Baltimore Colts but decided to convert after they found out that Sammy Sosa was coming to the Orioles. They moved to the Midwest where meth addiction and corn feds are the greatest exports, besides bible thumping imbeciles who think that this flat and boring area of the country is something to be proud of. so Baltimore wouldn't be able to find out where they went; fortunately for them, Baltimore is basically a crackhouse, so no one noticed until Art Modell came for a visit. Anyway, they drafted Peyton Manning, who is the greatest choker of dick since Dan Marino, sporting a career .300 average in the playoffs (this isn't baseball, Manning). It has been stated by Reverend Billy Graham that if Peyton Manning and Tom Brady keep playing against each other, the apocalypse will arrive another ten months earlier than expected.
[edit] Jacksonville Jigaboos
The Jacksonville Jaguars are the most historic team in the NFL. They trace all the way back to last millenium, in the days of Eddie Bauer and boybands, all the way back to 1996. The NFL decided it wanted a couple more teams, so they played "Pin the Tail on the Map of US" in order to pick where the Jaguars would play. Originally, the idiot who played pin the tail picked the Atlantic Ocean. They quickly moved it to the largest city in the US without a team, just kidding they stuck it in Jacksonville, Fuck you LA. The NFL picked guys off the street, gave them steroids, and let them play in the NFL. Within a year, they became a competetive team and could actually beat some teams. Then, Fred Taylor got an injury called "Get injured every year, ruining your team-itis" and Mark Brunell ran away and hid in the state capital. Soon after, the Jaguars were back to mediocrity, until a savior arrived. Byron Leftwich. But all he did was be extremely slow for a black guy, and get knee injuries. Along came Maurice Jones-Drew-Smith-Johnson-Jackson-Hicks-Adams, who ran very well, but had too long of a name in order to have a jersey. No, he's not Hispanic you fucking racist.
[edit] Houston Mexicans
The Texans are the fourth team to be given a useless name under the Useless Names Given to Useless Teams Amendment. After many protests from bible thumpin', Republican votin' hicks, The NFL decided to give the good Christian people of Texas a team that best represented them and they gave them the Texans. This is probably the best name any franchise gave that was represent anyone. The stupidity that reigns within the state gives the name Texans the best choice. From FCC broadcast data, the Texans are the most watched team in the NFL during a political event, whether playing or not. The whole staff and players on the franchise are so stupid, it's due to the fact that they gave up their #1 overall draft choice in 2006 only because Michael Jackson offered to rape Texas, and they accepted the offer. It was probably the biggest shit that the entire National Football League has ever seen. Another dumbass thing that the Texans have done recently was that they let Osama Bin Ladan fire a nuclear missile at the Reliant Stadium's ass to blow the structure up. The reason why the Texans did this was that they needed something to keep them occupied, so they justified their dream of throwing Bin Laden down the toilet. The Texans are in love with rapists such as Michael Jackson, the gay faggot. Oh and by the way, they chose Mario Williams with their #1 draft choice because he's a monster standing at 600 feet tall, just tall enough to rape the Tennessee Oilers for leaving the greatest city on earth! However, the Texans screwed up again and let the Titans rape them in the ass instead. To add irony, a Houstoner named Vince Young did most of the raping. Embarrassed by the situation, God voted Nashville as the greatest city on earth.
[edit] Teen Titans
The Tennessee Titans are the fifth team to be given a useless name under the Useless Names Given to Useless Teams Amendment. C'mon, Titans? And in Tennessee? WHAT IN THE FUCK? This name was given because the word "Titan" derives from the Greeks, meaning "Inbred Children of Uranus". The NFL thought it would be a more honorable and more fitting name given to a useless team living in hillbilly country. Unfortunately, the Titans are not really "Titanic" in their game. The team was originally founded as a member of the AFL as the Houston Oilers, named after the oil field workers that were hired to make a team. Early Oilers history was great, because they were dominant in the early sixties, only because all teams sucked in the AFL back then. The team had its glory days in the seventies, when they hired a bum named "Philips" as their head coach. They had some good players, such as Billy "White Shoes" Johnson, who danced with a funky chicken in the end zone, Earl Campbell, who headbutted players for no reason, and Warren Moon, who used a rifle to fire the ball, but NFL officials blindly thought that he was throwing it. The team suffered after trading Moon, so the owner of the Oilers, Bud Adams, started to act like a little bitch, and moved the team to Tennessee. They became the Tennessee Titties (aka Titans), and had good players like Eddie George and Steve McNair, and suffered poorly after losing to the Rams in the Superb Owl. New quarterback Vince Young had brought some new hope for the team and fans in the 2006 season and he did pretty well but as for most quarterbacks, Vince Young came under the disease, "Second Year Fever". In the 2007 season, Young threw for only nine touchdowns, seventeen interceptions, three half-naked sausage parties, and two nights of sin with Adams, the team owner. This looks like a nice future huh? They have made some turns to the Mercury though, and have become so good they don't even need wide receivers...except they lost their undefeated season to the Jets, a team that got raped by the Raiders. Surprising isn't it? Their "Star" Runningback is a 350 Lb. lardass who looks remarkably like Big Pun with dreads. This can only spell success for a team without a passing game if coach Jeff "The Stachio" Fisher can remember to keep funding Vince Young's sausage addiction.
[edit] AFC North
The AFC North has a lot of Super Bowl wins. The Pittsburgh Steelers has been known to eat players on the field while the Baltimore Ravens have been known to feed players to the Steelers. The only two left are the Cincinnati Bengals and the Cleveland Browns. The Bengals only care about their Johnsons and Cleveland is officially the worst team in football history.
[edit] Pittsburgh Stealers
The Pittsburgh Stealers were founded by Art Rooney in 1933. Later renamed the Steelers, the team was the laughingstock of the NFL until 1972, when the Steelers won their first ever playoff game. In a play known as "The Immaculate Reception," the Virgin Mary appeared before the Raiders' secondary and gave running back Franco Harris, an agnostic, enough time to run the winning touchdown into the end zone. The team would win four Super Bowls in six years due to flagrant cheating and bribed referees (it is a Class A felony to suggest anything else in Dallas and Houston), but fell into a funk in the 1980s. Under coach Bill Cowher, the team returned to prominence in the 1990s and went to six AFC Champsionship Games in 12 years, losing all but one of them. The one time they managed to win, Larry Brown, a 12th round draft pick for the Cowboys, single handedly defeated the Steelers in the Super Bowl. The Steelers, who place a strong emphasis on charity, generously gave the championship away in five of those years before winning Super Bowl XL in 2006, skillfully manipulating officials into making Seahawks receivers drop passes and coach Mike Holmgren screw up clock management. Super Bowl XL is known as one of the most boring Super Bowls as the Seahawks bent over and took it up the butt to the Steelers, knowing that they would be 2-7 two years later. Matt Hasselbeck states, "Why do people like the Seahawks? Hell, even I don't!" The Steelers have recently picked up a system of letting defenders into the backfield and letting Ben Roethlisberger almost get sacked,like the time Bart Scott made him his bitch. Roethlisberger often responds by running to his right, then to his left and again to his right. By this time receiver Sherlock Holmes is in the end zone. This remarkable clock management is developed so they only have to play one offensive play per quarter. The Steelers are taking this tactic to the next level and are planning to play with no offensive line at all in 2009. This has caused the Steelers to have no running yards at all but damn, that defense is fucking nasty ain't it? The Steelers are not a team nor the team. They are just the Steelers.
- UPDATE****
Pittsburgh won the latest Super Bowl by demonstrating to The Cardinals how to properly rape.
[edit] Cleveland Shit (also Cleveland Steamers to their fans)
This team was named the Browns for several proposed reasons. One of these reasons was to lure unsuspecting people into making comparisons between the team and the color of shit in attempts to be funny. This would anger the Browns team, which would promptly eat everything in its path, or at least try to. This is not likely however, because not all shit is brown, and many other colors of shit would have been offended, causing them to write countless numbers of angry letters to Congress demanding they be included in the team name. Another theory was that the city of Cleveland wanted to create the breakthrough of the first all African American football team in existence, and was originally named the "Cleveland Blacks." However, the name was condemned later on as being "politically incorrect and racially inaccurate," and the name was changed to Browns. However the team got its name, it has been no less subject to many years of generally sucking hairy monkey balls, up until quarterback Derek Anderson, also known as Mountain Man, came from the bowels of Oregon to save the team from the same ultimate fate as the Raiders. Unfortunately, this resulted in Brady Quinn being totally forgotten and cast aside, and will likely be sacrificed to Jon Gruden in Tampa. Never mind, Brady is starting! Holy shit! Thank you staph infections! Then Brady goes down and Derek Anderson comes back. Oh no! Then Anderson goes down. Oh yes! But now they have no quarterbacks. Ah fuck! The Browns are also the only team to never win a divisional game, always losing to the Steelers, getting their eyes gouged out by the Ravens, and somehow lose to the Bengals. I guess the title of worst team ever is the reason or just dumbass Romeo Crennel who keeps assuring fans the falsehood of that the Browns will win games. They are the last team to be given a name by the Useless Names Given to Useless Teams Amendement They should have lost to the Buffalo Bills, but Jim Brown put a "wide right" curse on Rian Lindell, the kicker for the Bills. Moving Foward... Otherwise dickhead Eric Mangina steps in to show what he has got. Dante Stallworth kills somebody in a car accident. 1 receiver GONE. Joe Jurivicus got sent out. 2 receivers GONE. Traded Kellen Winsblow-I mean slow. 3 receivers GONE. That leaves them with, ah shit, Gaylon "I'll catch amazing, but i drop simple catches". Edwards. Well, say goodbye, because with the Browns, There is never next year.
[edit] Cincinnati Johnsons
The Cincinnati Johnsons, for some reason known as the Cincinnati Bengals around the greater Cincinnati area, are by far the greatest team to ever assemble in Professional American Football, period, their peak being 1991-2003. This team has more Johnsons in it than a Yu-Gi-Oh fanclub meeting. Let's see you have Chad "Ocho Cinco" Johnson, T.J. Houshmanzdeh-Johnson, Carson "The Palmer" Johnson, Cedric Johnson-Benson, Brandon Johnson, Landon Johnson, Rudi Johnson (Now with the Lions but they are so bad that he still counts himself as a Bengal-Johnson), Michael Jackson Johnson Thriller, Samuel L. Jackson Johnson, and Marvin Johnson Lewis Johnson. Chad Johnson is the most entertaining mother spelunker in the league. If there was a race between a cheetah, a racecar, a cheese puff, and Puff Daddy... Chad Johnson would win, unless Chuck Norris and Mr. T were present. They say that every time Carson Johnson scores a touchdown Ben Roethlisberger scores with 387 of the most beautiful men in the world. (an angel also gets their wings too.) They are known to be unarguably the shittiest team in football history, winning a total of 0 super bowls. They considered sending them against Germany in WWII but said it too unfair because of the shear power of Rudi Johnson's stiff Johnson. It once ripped a hole in the space time continuum but was later repaired by the Doctor from the hit show Dr. Who. The team currently holds the NFL record for most players arrested in one season with 6756, mostly on defense, which explains the millions of points they surrender per game.
The team holds training camp at Ohio State Penitentiary so that Chris Henry and Odell Thurman can visit their fellow gangstas.
[edit] Baltimore Raisins
The Baltimore Ravens are the last team enacted under the NFL's new T.U.B.N. plan (Teams Using Bird Names). The "Ravens" as they are often called by fans (or the purple bird shits by most NFL spectators) officially started play in 1996 when Art Modell bitchslapped Cleveland Browns fans and moved the team to Baltimore. The Ravens sucked in the organization's first few years due to the Vinny Testaverde Curse. However, things changed in 1999, when Baltimore hired FCC's bitch Brian Billick. This hiring impressed Satan, and in 2000 he agreed to a one year deal with the Ravens in exchange for a murderer and a crack dealer. The results were wonderful for the Ravens as they won Super Bowl XXXV over the New York Giants, thanks in part to Giants legend Kerry Collins. However, Ray Lewis's statements about being 'God's linebacker' angered Satan as he refused to sign an extension, later joining the Patriots. The departure hurt the Ravens for many years, and Satan's punishment of Kyle Boller sent the Ravens offense to its lowest level yet. But help arrived in 2006 as the Ravens acquired Steve McNair, the first grandparent in NFL history, and the Ravens went 1-13. The Ravens' lowpoint happened in 2007 when they gave then winless Miami their first and only win of the season. The team's front office then proceeded to sodomize every player on the roster, hoping to "show them the girly man pansies they really are," as quoted by then head coach Brian Billick at a press conference.
[edit] NFC
[edit] NFC East
The Cowboys-Redskins rivalry is a highly contested battle which annually determines the sole-ownership of the United States. Every season, the Cowboys look to send those fucking injuns back to their casinos in the desert. The Cowboys squadron is led by General Jerry Jones of the Defeated South and the damn Redskins are led by Jim Zorn CrazyAss.
The Giants and Eagles have fought each other ever since the Trojan War. The Giants have held the long tradition of kidnapping Eagles and cooking them in their ice caves. Only recently have the Eagles fought back with the Black Hawk, Donovan McNabb, who has made the Giants look like midget rodeo clowns. The Giants, however, look to even the score...somehow.
[edit] NFC West
The Seattle Seahawks apparently have a rivalry with the San Francisco 49ers, but nobody gives a shit about it.
The Arizona Cardinals have long fought against the Rams for dominance on whose the worst team in the division. The Rams continually laugh at the Cardinals because the Rams won a Super Bowl (they got lucky) and the Cardinals have not (they were facing the Steelers). However, the Cardinals have their secret weapon in Kurt Warner, a former secret Ram who led the team to their lucky Super Bowl win. Warner has over the years, consistently butt-raped anyone who tries to sack or intercept him. But he is at a disadvantage because the Cardinals are losers.
[edit] NFC North
The Packers and Bears have a rivalry which is usually one sided, as Bears are very fond of eating cheese. The defenseless cheese just waits to be devoured by those sons of bitches.
The Vikings and the Lions really hate each other for the fact that the Vikings are a better team than the Lions but somehow the Lions manage to beat the Vikings and fuck up their season to where they can't reach the playoffs. But with Adrian Peterson, the Vikings have been raping face. Too bad the Lions suck so bad, they can't win against the Vikes.
[edit] NFC South
A newer rivalry that has come along is the New Orleans Saints rivalry with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. The Saints try to preach the word of God to convert the sinful pirates to pull way from the sins of partying, sex, drinking, smoking, killing, and stealing. However, the Buccaneers proceed to put their guns up the Saints asses and pull the trigger until the gun goes click. As Jeff Garcia, quarterback for the Bucs said, "God isn't a man, a cloud, or Charles Manson. God is my first mate."
As you can probably tell, one of the most pointless rivalries is the one with the Carolina Panthers and the Atlanta Falcons. Not much to be said.
[edit] AFC
[edit] AFC East
There is only one true rivalry in the AFC East and that is the New England Patriots against the other teams in their division (we cannot mention them because they all suck, check the article "Ass Raped" for more information). The Patriots every season just make the other teams look like pansies every time they face them. Only once did the Patriots did not win their division in this decade (It was the 2008 Parcell Dolphins. 2000 doesn't count). This was due to the Pats not having their homosexual quarterback, Tom Brady, that season. Now that he's back, looks like some gay raping will return to the AFC East.
[edit] AFC West
The Chiefs and Raiders have an annual game to determine who gets the better NFL Draft position. In years past, typical Chiefs-Raiders games end in 3-0, 7-0, and even 2-0 results. Both teams are determined to lose in order to get the coveted top-five draft choice and secure the ominous "Last Place" AFC West division crown.
The Chargers and Broncos really hate each other for the fact that their defenses get torched by each others offense and each game they play comes down to a Yu-Gi-Oh! card battle. The Broncos always lose because the Chargers have the Legendary God Cards in Shawne Merriman, LaDanian Tomlinson, and Philip Rivers while the Broncos can't get John Elway out of their graveyard deck.
[edit] AFC North
There are no rivalries in the AFC North because all teams are eaten by the Steelers and "Big" Ben Roethlisberger who weighs about 500 pounds
[edit] AFC South
The AFC South is the division with the strangest rivalries. Peyton Manning is cool with the teams in their division because they suck in the regular season but then he really fucking hate them because they eventually ruin his playoff run. The Titans have been particularly agitating in this matter, and you won't like Peyton when he's angry. Peyton maning goes like RAWR!!!!!!!!!!!! And then the Titans are like AAAAAAAAA!
The Texans and the Jags hate each other for the simplest of reasons, race. Whites versus blacks. And for some reason, both teams suck horribly but the Texans are better. Only because the Jags are jigaboos.
[edit] Rivalries
“Wide right!”
~ Al Michaels on the Buffalo Bills fucking it up yet again in the Bills-Playoffs rivalry
“Well, most of the time, the team that scores the most points typically wins. Ya know? I mean, BOOM!”
~ John Madden on his rivalry with intelligence.
The NFL's most comedic rivalry involves Tom Brady vs. the Manning Brothers. Brady is always fooled in front of national television, while the hillbilly "Brothers Manning" cause a ruckus on the sum'bitch. Memorable moments include Brady getting de-pantsed in Super Bowl XLII by Eli Manning while Peyton got the tar and feathers to coat Brady. The greatest moment in the rivalry, of course, occurred when Peyton and Eli both giving Brady a wet-willy in the 2007 AFC championship and 2008 Super Bowl championships, respectively. Them good ol' boys love them some shenanigans. In disgust, Patriots coach Bill Belichick walked off the field and called for an all-out war on the cities of Indianapolis and New York. Chiefs safety/hitman Bernard Pollard was hired by the Manning Brothers to injure Brady in the 2008 season.
Finally, the NFL's greatest rivalry consists of the Buffalo Bills and the NFL Playoffs. For decades, the Bills have been humiliated by the NFL Playoffs, and have an astounding 0-28 record in postseason appearances. For more information, see "Scott Norwood."
Other great NFL rivalries include:
- Brett Favre vs. retirement
- John Madden vs. his belt buckle
- O.J. Simpson vs. Well... you know
- Larry Johnson vs. women
- Oakland Raiders vs. law enforcement
- Kyle Orton vs. hangovers.
Arizona CardinalsDetroit Lions vs. success- San Diego Chargers vs. the playoffs
- Shannon Sharpe vs. proper speaking abilities.
- Chad "John-Jones-James-Javon-Justin-Jimmy-Jehovah-Jeremiah-Ocho Cinco" Johnson vs. himself
- Roger Goodell vs. the United States' right to host the Super Bowl
- Trent Green vs. visits to the dark room
- Terrell Davis vs. getting tackled around the legs
- Terrell Owens vs. Quarterbacks
- Terrell Owens vs. the NFL
- Terrell Owens vs. the World
- Cleveland Browns vs. staph infections
- Washington Redskins vs. managing their money
- Al Davis vs. the World
- Donte Stallworth vs. pedestrians
[edit] Forensics
For those of you that have been living in a hole, the NFL can also refer to a large group of nerds in high school that get together to see who can talk the most. This, the National Forensics League is a group of high school kids who will one day own the entire world, and is the most popular of all after-school activities. One of the group's members is Mewtwo's brother. NFL competitions often involved large stadiums and High School competitions have been known to charge more for admission than minor league baseball teams or chess competitions.
[edit] The Useless Names Given to Useless Teams Amendment
This amendment was created by Satan, commissioner of the NFL, to insure that when good names run out for good teams, useless ones will be there to make sure that shit teams sound like shit. Teams that qualify for this amendment must meet three conditions. They must suck, their uniforms have to look stupid or gay, and third, they must suck terribly. This amendment is always being challenged by the Advocates for Better Names for Fair Use Towards All Teams or just simply known as the teams fallen under the amendment.
[edit] T.U.B.N. Plan
This plan started by Al Sharpton was to insure that retarded bird names were the only animal names left open for the taking since canine names were more retarded sounding than the bird names and all the feline names were already taken (those teams don't deserve it!). It was also made to deter teams from using any more racist names, because people are morons! Though names such as Falcons and Eagles are already taken, some that are left open are the Turkey Vultures, Annoying Owls, Shitting Pigeons, and The Foghorn Leghorns. Remember, the bird is the word.
