Napoleonic Wars

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Some of the coolest wars of the nineteenth century, the Napoleonic Wars were fought by a guy named Napoleon over a patent dispute between Britain and France regarding Napoleonic ice cream.

The First Napoleonic Dynamite War[edit]

Antebellum[edit]

Napoleonic ice cream, invented in 1796 by Napoleon Bonaparte on a trip to Naples, Italy, was patented under French law in 1798 when he returned, and Napoleon then outsourced its production to a company in Nipples. It became an instant hit across Europe.

In 1803, an employee at the Naples Napoleonic Ice Cream Factory (NNICF), Benito Mussolini, disgruntled by his low pay (the mean wage for Ice Cream Factory Workers in Italy at the time was 1 florin per decade or so; nobody's quite sure, really), gave in to British bribe offers and took the secret formula for Napoleonic Ice Cream to England, where he was put on the board of Scottish Soft Serve, a state-owned company in northern England set up specifically to compete with NNICF. More companies followed.

Comparison of Napoleonic Ice Cream Quality
Authentic Napoleonic Ice Cream made in Nipples, Italy
British knockoff

It was not long before the British were producing all sorts of cheap knockoffs. Lacking the innate ice cream making skills of their Nipplean counterparts, and hard-pressed by Britain's mandatory 3lbs/hour minimum wage to cut costs, the English ice cream makers were forced to crank out a substantially inferior product. However, they still managed to flood the market with it.

Napoleon found out when he decided to have his own dessert at a cheap Italian restaurant in Naples and was served a British knockoff brand by the cash-tight management. Enraged, Napoleon telephoned King George III immediately, who made the mistake of teasing Napoleon about his height in the course of his gloating, and the war was on.

The War[edit]

Napoleon made his plans to rule Europe as simple as possible:

Invade Italy - Worked, obtained original ice cream recipe in Nipples

Invade Egypt - Kind of worked

Invade Austria - Worked twice, then didn't work again

Invade Prussia - Worked

Invade Poland - Worked

Invade Spain - Worked great

Invade The Netherlands - Worked

Invade Britain - Worked-Errr, - Didn't work

Fuck Josephine - Didn't work (She was too tall)

Make friends with old enemies - worked

Invade Russia - Didn't work

Leave Russia - Didn't work

Go on 'holiday' to St Elba - Didn't work

Invade France - Worked, emperor again bitches!

Invade Belgium- Worked

Fall out with friends - Worked

Battle of Waterloo - DEFINITELY didn't work

Go on holiday to St Helena - worked

Die from disgusting food - on the contrary, worked very well