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“Truly a sport for people that enjoy the finer things in life... "Oh look he's making another left turn! And another left turn, Jeez I wonder whats gonna happen next?"”
“I tell you what, i'm the greatest hot rod who has ever been into business, only second to a guy called Wilde.”
“Ive gotta thank my sponsers Walmart, Target, 7-11, Viagra(for going the extra mile) 3M,Bank of America,Camping World,Canadian Tire,NASCAR in Canada,Chevrolet, Cintas, Coca-Cola, Coors Light, Craftsman Tools, Diageo, DIRECTV, Dodge, DRIVE4COPD, DuPont, Exide, Featherlite Coach, Featherlite Trailers, Ford Trucks, Freescale, Freightliner Trucks, Growth Energy, Gillette, Goodyear, Head & Shoulders, Mars Snackfood & Petfood US, McLaren, Mobil 1, Nabisco, Nationwide, Office Depot, Old Spice, O'Reilly's, Safety, SIRIUS XM Radio, Sprint, Sunoco, Toyota, Unilever, UPS, Visa, K & N,Whelen Engineering Inc for helping me get to the front after that long 500 mile race. Cant wait till next weekend, as theres this thing called a road course, and it involves a..... hold on.... a right turn???”
NASCAR, that stands for Non-Athletic Sport Created by Alcohol and Rednecks was once an official Olympic sport, but the "sport" now consists of approximately 43 of the most vile racist redneck pedophiles racing around a track shaped like a zero. Zero, incidentally, is the score most NASCAR drivers got on their SAT exams. Midget NASCAR drivers are forced to only work the SLOTCAR circuit.
NASCAR once consisted of a single event, the Winston Cup. The so-called Winston Cup was actually a spitoon from Cletus Stumbledrunk's Moonshine Saloon. It was the prize given to the pedophile who won the most races and raped the most six year old girls in three days. The Spitoon was the best they could come up with because NASCAR was a poor sport in the early days. Even with sponsors like RJR Reynolds, Philip Morris, Anheuser Busch, Hustler Magazine and the KKK, NASCAR was always broke due to massive child support payments. In 2004, the Winston Cup was replaced by the Nextel Cup. This would later become the Sprint Cup in 2006. This ill-planned takeover nearly bankrupted Nextel, because the sport's target audience doesn't use flush toilets, let alone, "Fancy, new-fangled talkin' gizmos."
R.J. Reynolds still owns NASCAR, but now only advertises using direct mail campaigns.
NASCAR drivers (also known as "race-ists") are required by law to be named "Junior." Last year's Nextel Cup winner was Junior Jeffery Jeebus Jr. Runners-up included Kyle Junior, Dale Junior, Hooter Junior, and Jerry Springer Jr. (Sammy Davis Jr. once trained to be a NASCAR driver, but was banned from the sport at the last minute when it came out that he was both black and Jewish.)
Prior to the actual race (in many cases, days or even weeks before the actual race), drivers compete for "Pole Position". This ritual is shrouded in secrecy and happens at the local strip club.
Races last approximately three hours. That's three hours of cars driving around in a circle. No, seriously, that's all that happens. They drive around in a circle. A fucking circle. For three hours. The driver who can count the amount of laps he has driven will win the race. As far as they know, no Nascar race has lasted more than 7 laps, despite the fact that the average driver spends over 9000 hours on the track each race.
Fortunately for those not attending the race, two hours of the live television broadcast consists of commercials for beer and chewing tobacco as well as toilet paper, toothpaste, soap, books, and other items which have yet to make their way into southern culture.
A crowd of approximately 200,000 of the most intelligent Southerners attend each race and take part in sponsored events to pass the time, such as drinking Budweiser, drinking Coors, drinking Miller High Life, drinking Milwaukee's Best, drinking Southern Comfort, drinking Miller Light, thinking of names for shapes and colors, drinking Coors Light, drinking Bud Light, drinking moonshine, shooting methamphetamines, shooting each other, passing out, the "who can copulate with the nearest blood-relative" contest, and proving Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle false.
Fans compete (often violently) for access to the center infield of the racetrack. This viewing position offers the best chance of decapitation. It also yields the best chances for scoring with the underaged daughter of the nearby man whose R.V. needs a tune-up and lube-job. In order to get to the infield, fans must arrive in an R.V., perform fellatio on the track supervisor, pay a $500 entrance fee, perform fellatio on the combined pit crews for all 43 racers, and fight for their parking spots in hand-to-hand combat. For prestigious racetracks like Talladega, combat is "to-the-death".
The first pedophile to cross the finish line after completing approximately 10,000 laps wins the race. This is followed by a victory lap with the official NAMBLA checkered dildo. Then a staged victory lane celebration where the victorious driver takes a swig of his sponsor's favorite soft drink amidst a sea of pulsating homoerotic energy emanating from his pit crew. The driver then proceeds to plug every company in the United States, thanks his crew, and proceeds back to his double-wide trailer in Charlotte with the other 42 rednecks in tow.
Points are assigned to all participants who finish the race. At the end of the year, the driver who can actually count to his point total (the record for most points is five) is awarded the Nextel Cup, a metric ton of Copenhagen Chewing Tobacco, and his pick of any jailbait in Georgia.
- NASCAR once stood for Nasty Assholes Speeding Cars Around Racetracks but was changed to the current Non-Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks in 1922.
- Since drivers are not allowed to leave their vehicle, NASCAR is the only sport known to have a man take a shit and piss at the same time while driving 200 miles per hour.
- If you lined every corporate logo from a typical NASCAR race up end-to-end, the resulting chain would stretch from the Earth to the moon and almost halfway back.
- Cheating is pervasive in NASCAR. Common cheats include filling tires with Helium to lighten the car, adding a smokescreen module to confuse opponents. Jimmy Bond Jr. was famous for installing ejection seats in opponents' cars.
- Every NASCAR driver makes use of all the products he endorses. So keep sending Jeff Gordon letters asking him how the Depends Undergarments are working.
- NASCAR involves driving a car with way too many stickers left for four hours.
- The National NASCAR Museum in Charlotte, NC features dozens of interactive exhibits on the history of the sport, including a working moonshine still and a pair of Dale Earnhardt's fecal-stained jumpsuit.
- Though traditionally associated with white-trash meth addicts, NASCAR has recently begun to attract fans from all walks of life -- including pandering politicians, disaffected loners, impressionable children, and confused Alzheimer's victims.
- NASCAR drivers are allowed no more than three coconuts in their car at any one time. The penalty for carrying excess coconuts is $3.76.
- Many NASCAR drivers suffer extreme depression when they realize they have been driving for three hours only to end up where they started. NASCAR drivers often seek professional help (picture right).
- NASCAR is the second to last on the list of cool sports right above curling and right below bobbing for apples
- Though the "circuit" or bore-oval as I like to call it has only left turns, the Americans driving the cars still manage to crash. Somehow the idea of driving on the left doesn't appeal to them, I wonder why...
Theories abound about how NASCAR was formed:
1. Due to the constant intrigue and mystery enshrouding what many refer to as “the mental sport” of NASCAR racing, there are numerous conspiracy theories and other fan rumors, ranging anywhere from outlandish to bat-shit insane, that surround it.
Many theories fall under the category of the former, including the suggestion that in the year-of-our-illustrious-lord, 1793, a crippled child from Zaire of the name Wilbur McKinley used his latent telekinetic, telepathic and microwave-safe brain abilities to force millions of unrelated and unwitting Americans to fashion large tracks, seemingly identical vehicles, and to race continually in circles for his long-distance amusement. It is said that in Zaire being crippled is a status symbol bestowing upon its possessor a regard equivalent to that enjoyed by rock stars in the United States, communist rebels in South America, and non-women in Saudi Arabia. Thus young Wilbur has been elevated to a godlike status in his native land. Weekly, the teeming throngs of Wilbur worshipers achieve a trance-like state by forcing entire tubes of Mentos through their nasal cavities and tune through the collective unconscious into Wilbur’s mind, watching and laughing as millions of mind-controlled Americans watch identical vehicles drive in a circle. This is the largest and most popular "sport" in Zaire.
Though this theory does go great lengths to explain many unanswered questions about NASCAR as well as why millions of people in Zaire force tubes of Mentos into their noses, it was disproved by the MythBusters three weeks ago when they stuck replica Mentos into a watermelon shaped like a human head.
2. Another common yet outlandish theory about NASCAR is that it is actually a sport and/or fun to watch.
3.One conspiracy theory, however, happens to be true. It goes like this: In 1785, during the Reagan Administration, a top secret plan was put in motion, a plan to rid the United States of all of its unwanted and largely unwashed wastrels, a plan known as the “Directed Initiative of Calculated Killing for the Focused Acceleration of Constructive Evolution”, also known as "Project: D.I.C.K.F.A.C.E.”. It was a multi-tiered strategy beginning with the development, in underground vacuum sealed laboratories, of NASCAR, Professional Wrestling, Reality TV and other mediums dubbed “retard-lures”. The second tier involved the massed and summary execution of all members of the population identified as wastrels by their adherence to these mediums. Unfortunately the plan lost funding to the far snappier named "Star Wars Program" before phase 2 could be realized. The world suffers as a direct result.
“GODDAMN THERE'S A LOT OF MOTHERFUCKIN' WHITE PEOPLE IN THIS BITCH!”
Over the last several years NASCAR has become a very diverse "sport". All types of white people, not just from the south, are now drivers. The "sport" is praised by people of many different races for being so white thus ensuring that they never have to actually watch it for 3 hours out of a sense of racial devotion.
Fans of NASCAR celebrate the "sport's" vast diversity by proudly displaying Confederate Flags (a well known universal sign of diversity) and acting out scenes of The Iceman Cometh while high on peyote.
However there has only ever been 1 blackish guy in nascare Wendell Scott.
In 1934, NASCAR was given the Nobel Peace Prize for ending the slaughter of kangaroos in Ireland by the global fanny-pack conglomerates. How that connects with the "sport's" diversity is still yet to be determined.
Heroes of NASCAR
- Wendell Scott - The Famed Light-ass-Negro of Nascar
- Dale Earnhardt - The Man
- Kyle Petty
- Jesus Christ
- George W. Bush
- Elliott Sadler - E.T.(Elliott)
- Reed Sorenson
- Kevin LeWhocares
- Hizaki NonWhiteGuy
- Ricky Bobby - That dude who only knows how to say one phrase "SHAKE AND BAKE"
- Cole Trickle - Where's Dick?
- Bill Elliott - Wild Bill from Dawsonville
- Johnny Benson
- Carl Edwards - AFLAC!! The duck gets more action than he does.
- Oscar Wilde
- Barack Obama
Villains of NASCAR
- Jeff Gordon - Gay Boy,head of the Rainbow Warrior Coalition.
- Kyle Busch - KY Jelly (he tries to slip in and out), also known as Pee Wee Busch (honorary name given to him by legendary porn theater resident, Pee Wee Herman).
- Rusty Wallace - Crusty
- Saddam Hussein
- Osama bin Laden
- Juan Pablo Montoya - Won Ton Soup
- Kurt Busch - Big Ears
- Stan Lee
- Marty McFly
- Gary J. Mazeltov III
- Jimmie Johnson - Jeff Gordon and Kyle Busch's butt buddy
- Michael Waltrip - Mikey
- Brian Vickers - Snickers
- Nelson Mendela
- Jack Black
- Kevin Smith
- Captain Oblivious
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