Nauru
“Where?”
The tiny Pacific island nation of Nauru is home to a population of approximately 41(x-5)(y+9)^2.
History[edit]
Nauru was first settled by savage cannibals some 1000-2000 years before the birth of Father Christmas. The settlers almost died out as a result of forgetting to take any women with them, but their problem was solved by the phenomenon of London Street Urchin Adoption.
Nauru came under the dominion of the Holy Roman Empire for several millennia until formally declaring independence on September 21 1953, at 3:51 PM and 22 seconds. The inaugural President was Lightning Mobutu, but nowadays it is commonly accepted that he was little more than a puppet leader installed by the Italian film director Pier Paolo Pasolini. Mobutu's regime came to a violent end with the notorious midget coup of 1958, which resulted in forty years of civil war. Peace was finally declared in 1998 when both sides ran out of ammunition.
Political System[edit]
The country's official title is The Marxist People's Democratic Republic of Nauru. There are two major political organizations: The Party, which is currently in power; and The Infidels, all of whom have been either imprisoned, shot, hung or rickrolled. The only citizens with voting rights are the rich landlords. The current President, Hotutu Gabuto, is the only rich landlord in the country.
Despite this, he still won the last election with a majority of 60,000 votes. How this was possible in a nation with a population of 4000 is still a mystery to this day.
It has been considered that, as nobody is eligible to vote, political parties are redundant. The Party still, however, spends 129% of the nation's budget on political posters and television commercials that advertise how good the party is, and how dead its opponents are.
Nauru is both inspiration for, and a bad example of, the game Tropico.
International Condemnation[edit]
As a somewhat underdeveloped society, Nauru still employs barbaric methods in the treatment of criminals. There have been reports of painful torture, unpleasant amputation and the enforced viewing of Sandra Bullock films. All these practices clearly violate the Geneva Convention.
The government has also aroused controversy internationally due to its active encouragement of polygamy, incest and extreme kinkiness. The United Nations has made several steps to address this issue by making highly entertaining speeches with a strong moral message and cutting-edge special effects.
Health and Welfare[edit]
The Standard of Living in Nauru has been described as the worst in the world, ranking lower than Sierra Leone and the Abu Ghraib prison. Infant mortality is at around 100%, and hospitals have not been invented yet.
Economy[edit]
Nauru's fragile economy relies heavily on the exportation of palm trees, battery acid and orang utans. The tourist industry is relatively small due to Nauru's unpleasant scenery and smells, which in 2003 led seven tourists to kill themselves rather than spend another minute there.
Religion[edit]
Nauru's primary religious orientation is The United Arm-Wavers Pentecostal Church of Love. The traditional religion, otherwise known as The Faith of the Snake God, got officially pwn!d in 1927, when it was ruthlessly and savagely debunked by That Guy.
Racial Make-up[edit]
97% of Nauruans are descended from a mixture of the original inhabitants, the street urchins, and some sea monkeys. The other 3% are of pure Norwegian descent. Nobody is sure how they got there, and nobody cares.
Flag[edit]
The flag, designed by the current President of Nauru, is considered to be the only national flag in existence that doubles as modern art. President Gabuto claims that the flag represents, among other things, equality, liberty, the human condition, altered states of conciousness, and Zen Buddhism. Opponents preferred the old flag, but they were soon to embrace the new design after a few days in the torture chambers.
Sport[edit]
Nauru has had a small number of international sporting successes over the years - Utu Jabotu represented the country in the reverse high jump at the Barcelona Olympics, while Mata Laputo won a silver in the downhill wheelchair luge at the 2004 Paralympic Games.
The national sport of Nauru is synchronised swimming.
Media[edit]
A television washed up on the shore in 1987. Since then, television has proved immensely popular, with almost the entirety of the population owning a set. Apart from political propaganda, reruns of The Brady Bunch are shown every afternoon at 3.
Newspapers are considered a luxury, especially in the absence of toilet paper.
Transport[edit]
As most commerce is conducted with local Pacific islands, all Nauruan traders are certified whale riders. As for transport within the country itself, the preferred method is the tricycle. The only automobiles in existence are from the President's personal collection. However, he stopped driving them in 2002 due to the high road toll.