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Naysayers are the saddest bunch of bastards you are ever likely to come across. Given to bouts of melancholy and unprovoked ill-humour, the ultimate aim of a naysayer is to derail, defuse, or destroy the dreams of others through negativity, public protest, and by generally being shitty about stuff. Naysayers pervade every aspect of human endeavour, stifling imagination, smothering commercial enterprise and putting a stopper on good ol’ fashioned fun. They have been, perhaps, the greatest handbrake on social and economic development through the ages. Naysayers are universally loathed and despised by right-thinking people, however nobody bears a greater hatred for a naysayer than another naysayer.

Naysayers: A Global Threat[edit]

Naysayers, through the mechanism of free-speech and right to protest, put pay to around 2% of economic growth per annum in the developed world. In underdeveloped and transitional countries, naysayers are considered to be much less of a threat. In fact dictatorships and malevolent autocratic democracies are immune to the dangers posed by naysayers due to the fact that they are generally locked away or put to death in short order, leaving progressive developers, land barons and mining companies to do whatever the hell they like and not give a rat’s-arse about the consequences.

While there is no question in the minds of right-thinking westerners that naysayers deserve death above all others, it is unlikely – even in countries such as Australia where any half-baked minority interest can march about with placards covered in crayon scribble – that naysayers could launch cohesive attacks against governments or multinational companies. The primary reason for this is that naysayers hate one another with such a passion that it is impossible for them to form into groups. There is usually room for only one naysayer in any team of individuals, indeed naysayers are actually nothing more than sulky, attention-seekers who, as children, received whatever they wanted from their over-attentive, molly-coddling parents by squawking loudly and shitting in their nappies whenever they were served rump instead of fillet.

Naysayers will not agree with an idea unless they believe it to be their own, and even then it is doubtful they would wholly accept it. In 1567, infamous Italian Naysayer Giovani Popillo attempted to organise a Naysayers convention in Rome, only to find that the invitees were more interested in naysaying the conference than they were in actually attending it. A major source of debate was the thickness of the paper Giovani had printed the invitations on.

In short, the likelihood of underground Naysayer “cells” destabilising governments and denting the market-share of international companies is small, though individually Naysayers are a painful boil on the backside of the honest entrepreneur trying to make a buck.

Naysayers Through the Ages[edit]

Ceasel Mor – The Stonehenge Naysayer While learned scholars have puzzled over the mysteries of Stonehenge for hundreds of years, the truth of this now decrepit, seemingly half-finished monument of the ancient Celts is simple. In 1600BC a wizened old bugger named Caesel Mor, sick of lugging gigantic blocks of stone around, sat down for lunch, rubbed his back and said to the guy next to him, “All this cart’n rocks around is givin’ me the shits. I ain’t gunna do it no more. This Stonehenge caper’s a load of wank anyway.”

Widely acknowledged as the most influential naysayer of his time, Ceasel Mor not only brought construction of one of the world’s greatest structures to a sudden, shuddering halt, he also inadvertently formed the first worker’s union on record. Worker’s unions today epitomise naysayer values globally.

Georgio Papousus – The Naysayer of Atlantis If ever there was a naysayer who deserved to be drowned at birth it was Georgio Papousus, The Naysayer of Atlantis. Back in the day, Atlantis was a thriving community of artists and poets and generally happy people who wanted only the best from life. They smiled easily, ate ice-cream and hung-out in chillaxed fashion. Think togas and beer.

Then one day a budding seismologist named Nickolas Kleppa predicted that intersecting basement faults in the foundations of the city would result in an imminent earthquake that could spell the end of Atlantis (and the togas and beer). Being a progressive society Atlantians accepted this news in good faith and began to plan the orderly relocation of the city.

Enter Georgio Papousus. Georgio, a rival seismologist, resented being outshone by Kleppa so much that for no reason other than to sooth his own pride he began a vindictive campaign of naysaying opposing the relocation, opposing the faults in the basement rock and finally opposing Kleppa himself. Against such a viscous onslaught of naysaying, the peace-loving people of Atlantis had no defence so they decided to stay where they were for the time being, a grievous mistake by anyone’s account, but also a lesson in the destructive influence of a persuasive naysayer.

The Government of Tasmania During the late 1800s and early 1900s, farmers and bounty hunters in Tasmania (Australia) whittled the population of Tasmanian Tigers down to almost nothing. At this time the government of the day was paying a sum of £1 per head for the hapless beasts, a policy that took the species to the very brink of extinction.

Despite many Tasmanians reporting a dramatic drop in the number of sightings of the creature, in November 1886 a bill was passed in parliament for the appropriation of a further £500 to ultimately destroy every last tiger. One member, a Mr. Hawkes, famously commented that he would only support the bill if a similar bill for the ‘extermination’ of the ‘yellow agony’ (meaning the Chinese) was proposed. No such bill for the extermination of the harmless Chinese community was passed, but the fate of the Tiger was sealed.

In this way, despite the observations of the public and acknowledgement from farmers that wild dogs were far more of a threat than Tasmanian Tigers, the government managed to naysay everyone and proceed with the destruction of the world’s only marsupial wolf, earning themselves a much deserved position in the naysayer’s hall of fame.

Modern Naysayers[edit]

Modern Naysayers are (if possible) even less subtle than their historical counterparts. In the office they manifest as wankers named Kevin or Petrus, usually lurking in upper management. They sometimes have mildly unflattering nicknames like ‘cocknose’ or ‘that fucking moron in cubical 152’.

Modern naysayers in the office exhibit an astounding lack of imagination and forethought, preferring to naysay from the back of the room in the secure knowledge that if they are proved right they will be vindicated, and if they are wrong, no-one will care. They will often come out with comments like: “But John, how does that really help the company going-forward?” or “I’m not sure you’re identifying with the key concepts Carol, we only sell red key rings. Incorporating orange into the line would dilute our focus.”

Naysayers can also be found in domestic situations. An example of this would be:

Shop Assistant: This is the top of the line PC. It’s state of the art quad-core technology, 100GB of RAM with Blu Ray and lots of flashing lights. Sir, if you buy this, you’ll never need to buy another PC again. It’s BITCHIN!

Customer: Fuck yeah! Sign me up man. I’m down with that shit. Honey, sell the car, this is gonna be awesome!

Wife: But baby, we only need a word processor. Why would we buy that...thing? It looks like a prop from Star Trek.

In the above example the wife is obviously naysaying out of ignorance. While ignorant naysaying is perhaps excusable in some instances, it emphasises the fact that naysayers, without exception, exhibit an almost mind-boggling lack of imagination.

Naysayers in Literature and Hollywood[edit]

One of the best-known naysayers in literature is Wormtongue, the Naysayer of Rohan. Wormtongue, a stooge of Saruman the White, sat at the side of King Theoden of Rohan, naysaying his every move until the King was nothing but a shell of his former self. By the time Gandalf arrived to save Theoden, the poor bloke looked like a hen-pecked husband after 20 years of marriage.

Cornelius Fudge of the Harry Potter series is another famous naysayer. After ‘You Know Who’ returned from limbo in Harry Potter and Goblet of Fire, Fudge (quite unreasonably) refused to believe that the Dark Lord had cut Harry open, taken his blood, mixed it with the bones of his dead father in a giant cauldron and then burst forth in a blaze of fiery magic, duelled with Harry in a graveyard and killed Cedric Diggory, the Hufflepuff house champion. It just goes to show that – even when faced with the blindingly obvious – a true naysayer is difficult to budge.

The ultimate naysayer in Hollywood however is Walter Pike, as seen in the original Ghostbusters movie. Walter ‘Wally’ Pike, referred to as ‘Dickless’ by the Ghostbusters, might just as well have been called ‘gutless’, or ‘spineless’ because these are the overwhelming traits of a naysayer. Walter Pike was an unimaginative, unctuous, upstart from the EPA who naysaid the Ghostbusters at every turn. In this writer’s opinion his ultimate punishment (being hit with a giant dollop of marshmallow) was pissweak and if I’d written the script, he would have suffered a much worse fate – possibly involving a vacuum cleaner hose, a dwarf, and an assault baton.

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