Nba jam

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NBA Jam is a fruit preserve product made for spreading on bread, toast, cakes and various other sweets and confectionery. It is a sweet tasting spread, made from various flavors of fruit, such as various berries and NBA players semen. A Very simmilar product to Jelly Spread but has seeds in it.

Welcome to NBA JAM[edit]

The National Basketball Association (NBA) have there own special brand, that was established in 1992 by Midway Home Jam Makers. The Jam is made up from professional basketball players blood, sweat and semen. The product is also made up personally by each player that represents there own flavor.

The product sells for around $2.99 American, $4.99 Canadian and about $1,020,345,987.63 in some fucked up other countries currency that America don't give a shit if they endorse the product or not.

He's Heating Up[edit]

Each individual contracted to there special label flavor is required to have an NBA official observe the process to mark it as 100% genuine to what goes into each 350ml serving of delicious NBA Jam. The official will be required to make sure the athlete, or athletes in some cases, testicles or anus are at a barmy 76 degrees Celsius. Anything below that temperature is rejected and sent to Smuckers for there lower quality Goober products. The official may be required to bring the individual people involved a hot towel, Gatorade to put back in what the sweat takes out, or sometimes if the individual is having personal problems, he may be required to lend a hand him or herself.

He's On Fire[edit]

Once the JAM is in it's fermenting stage of the process, it is then sent into a boiler at 350 degrees to kill off any live sperm cells to make sure no fertile tadpoles can re-produce in the prevention that eating NBA Jam will cause rappers to think they are basketball stars, or in worse previous known cases, basketball players thinking they are rap stars. This process became compulsory by the NBA in 1998 after evidence was given after watching the MTV top 100 marathon of current rap music since 1995.

NBA JAM: Tournament Edition[edit]

In 1996 the flavors of the Jam product where enhanced and expanded to include more then just one players personal touch. The regular individual flavors remained on the market while new flavors where brought in to heat things up to keep interest in the jam. Some new flavors included 2 in 1 to whole teams contributing to the new flavors of NBA JAM. Some flavors even claimed to help give power-ups to every serving to make people run faster, jump higher and for the L.A brand to rape harder.

NBA JAM Extreme[edit]

This product was introduced in 1998 as part of the last promotion the NBA JAM product would try introducing. It had vast improved flavors and more contributors, but after this one no one was really taking much notice of the product anymore, so Midway began focusing on other products to try out by focusing more on the red-neck community and launched koolaid flavors for the World Wrestling Federation. The product was not as much as a success so it was agreed upon to just keep the popular brands under there regular NBA JAM title and port it to every home eater they could.


Each glass jar is made from a 100% authentic NBA glass backboard. It is a well known fact that each backboard will break and shatter to pieces between the 1st to 3rd major slam dunks in the 4th quarter, that is, provided it was dunked on massively during the first 3 quarters. Once the cameras are off screen from visibility of the shattered ring, half the NBA JAM clean-up-crew move in as fast as lightning and collect the glass to be recycled for the NBA JAM jars while the other half replace the backboard with a stronger one that will not break. The glass is then taken to the NBA JAM factory and melted down to make the jars that supply the contents of the delightful tastes of NBA JAM.

NBA JAM with Wee[edit]

NBA JAM has remained a classic jam spread for over 3 decades now. In January 2010, original recipe and Midway marksman Mark Turmwell joined the E.A team's confectionery label to start concepts for a new NBA JAM promotion. It has been over a decade since the NBA JAM product has launched a new flavor. Mark is currently coming up with ideas with E.A to launch new urine flavored jams to be exclusively sold wherever Nintendo toilet products are found. The NBA JAM Wee project is yet to be labeled with an official name, but the product should start being manufactured and launched by November 2010.

Famous Flavors[edit]

  • Shaq Attack - Made from Shaquille O'Neal personal feces after his annual post Friday night Taco Bell dinner.
  • Jordan's Air Balls - Is a rather salty tasting spread produced from Michael Jordans wrung out testicle sweat.
  • Magic's Johnson - Is another salty after taste, but with a hint of special Magic that speaks for itself.
  • Kareem Abdul Chewbar - this is a rather thick spread, that had bits of crunchy peanut and brittle chunks.
  • Dennis's Rod Man - This was a popular product with celebrities in the late 90's, but was pulled off shelves for giving people worms.
  • Patrick Spewing - The oatmeal textured vomit created by this one was a #1 seller until they found traces of hookers pubic hairs inside them.
  • Bird Dip - Larry Bird personally extracts 3 pints of semen into every cup himself, which makes it a rare find as only 5,000 are produced per year.
  • Kobe Cola - This particular product is no longer available due to flavor of it just plain sucks, and too many women complained once the opened the jar it attempted to rape them.
  • Mugsey Takes A Bog - This one is popular with people who just want a little extra something in there diet.
  • Scottie Shitten - At first the name put everyone off trying the Jam, but once the try it, they know it will always be there to back them up.
  • Anfernee Hardaway At Work - This was a popular flavor in Orlando for a while, but then people realized the taste wouldn't get them very far.
  • Latrine Peewell - Made from the entire teams sweat and urine of the Golden Shower Warriors.
  • Utah Jizz - This flavor wasn't the same when Karl Malone & John Stockton parted ways and left there contribution to the jams fecal matter tasting empty.
  • Chicago Bull Sperm - The flavor used to be popular when people thought Scottie Pippen and Jordan where included in the team jam, but it turned out it was just the sperm of Luc Longley, Bullwinkle & The Rock.
  • Charles In Charge - Sir Charles Barkley still manages to sell this product, even tho he spent the end of his career in the shadow of Hakeem Olajuwon.
  • Ankle Breakers - This is a popular spread with kids for a while, till no one will pass them the jar and hog it all to themselves.
  • Detroit Piss Tonnes - Isaiah Thomas will collect 1 tonne of piss from the Detroit Pistons locker room, and donate it to NBA JAM to make this bitter-sweet flavor.
  • Washington Wizz - This ones much like the Detroit one, only it doesn't taste as good.
  • Philly 69ers - This one is made up from the Philadelphia 76er's and there cheerleaders wetspots.
  • Miami Heating Up - This is the most common Jam on the market by the NBA Jam company. The Miami Heat jerk off into 7 buckets before each game for the flavor to be mixed in with Coconut and Pineapple.
  • San Antonio Sperms - Tim Dunks his Duncan into a cantaloupe once per month and shoots of the extracts into a towel boys Gatorade for a surprisingly refreshing taste.
  • Clydes Drexler - Clyde will Glide his penis through 90 degrees of hot chocolate and then top off the flavor with chopped up M&M's.
  • Charlotte Horny Bastards - this was popular till the lost Larry's Johnson and Alonzo's morning contributions.
  • L.A Shitters - Trust us, you don't wanna know what they put in this crap.
  • Boston Cum Dicks - a creamy after taste of mint and Celtic pride goes into every jar.
  • Wilts Chamber - this one died off the market, but was said to be great in it's day as possibly the best flavor of all time.
  • Horses Ass Grant - This one comes with goggles on the jar. It has a pretty good defensive taste, but hasn't sold as well since 1995.
  • Double-Dribble - This one just drools with flavor provided by the towel boys of the Memphis Grizzlies.
  • Denvers Nuggets - This one is a more required taste for people who want a chunky chicken taste with hints of nuts and corn.
  • Yao Dingle Ming - This has an Chinese flavor that is delicious and makes you crave more of it later.

Famous People Who Secretly Love NBA Jam flavors[edit]

National Basketball Association (2010)
Eastern Conference
Atlantic Division: Boston Celtics | New Jersey Nets | New York Knicks | Philadelphia 76ers | Toronto Raptors
Central Division: Chicago Bulls | Cleveland Cavaliers | Detroit Pistons | Indiana Pacers | Milwaukee Bucks
Southeast Division: Atlanta Hawks | Charlotte Bobcats | Miami Heat | Orlando Magic | Washington Wizards
Western Conference
Northwest Division: Denver Nuggets | Minnesota Timberwolves | Portland Trail Blazers | Oklahoma Team Stealers | Utah Jazz
Pacific Division: Golden State Warriors | Los Angeles Clippers | Los Angeles Lakers | Phoenix Suns | Sacramento Kings
Southwest Division: Dallas Mavericks | Houston Rockets | Memphis Grizzlies | New Orleans Hornets | San Antonio Spurs
Other Articles: NBA Finals | All-Star Game | NBA Draft | Current team rosters |
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