Nebraska
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“If you don't believe in it, it can't hurt you.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Nebraska
“In Soviet Russia, corn grows YOU!!'”
~ Russian Reversal on Nebraska
“If you took all the highways in Nebraska and put them in a straight line, they would go around the world 3 times.”
~ Albert Einstein on Nebraska
Nebraska is full of football fans and has a population smaller than the deserted town of Tookakrapnleft, Nevada. Not even Jesus Christ herself will ever step foot on the holy land. Luckily, Steve Ballmer is not available in Nebraska. But hell, even oxygen is scarce there. Still, it's the best damn place in the United States, especially compared to Alaska, which is just fucking cold.
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[edit] Geography
The main only transportation route in Nebraska is I-80. This marvel of engineering is the first (and only) fully automated highway in the state. Drivers on I-80 can simply activate cruise control. Sensors on the road will keep the car within its lane. This technology allows travelers to drive through the state with minimal discomfort (aside from any discomfort caused by being in Nebraska in the first place because it is a bad state to even go to ,in fact you'd be wasting your time to come to this deserted,weird,corn husking state).
Also traveling along a west-east trajectory is the Platte River. The Platte River is generally considered to be too thin to plow. It is also too thick to drink, and only being 3 inches deep
The rest of the eastern half of the state is covered with corn – corn which is superior to that of Iowa and the rest of the world. The western half of the state actually does not exist. In 1872, Sterling Morton of Nebraska City had difficulty finding a tree amidst the fields of corn upon which he could hang himself. He decided to establish Arbor Day—an annual day of tree planting. Thanks to Morton’s dream, there are now several dozen trees suitable for hanging located near Valentine.
In addition to being used by Sterling Morton to hang himself, Nebraskans found that the trees are also good for lynching negroes that were not imported to play on their football team as well as a multidude of nothing but white people and a handfull of mexicans. The locals found that they were too lazy/stoopid to work in meat-packing plants, so they only farm corn for a living.
[edit] Government
Corn. Fields. More corn.
Oh yeah, and a unicameral system. This is the reason that every table describing state legislatures in Amerika has an asterisk that proclaims:
- Nebraska has a unicameral legislature and is elected on a non-partisan basis.
The children of Nebraska spend a couple of extra weeks in school studying this unique form of well-mannered, organized anarchy.
Nebraskans, being a progressive bunch, once elected an angry black man to the Unicameral; after they did so, they vowed never to do it again.
Nebraska was formerly ruled by a duke. The position of Duke of Nebraska is now a solely ceremonial role, which is currently held by Larry the Cable Guy, who voices Mater, from the movie Cars, who lives in Nebraska.
In recent years, Nebraska has been ruled by the Cornhusker Nationalist Party and its Chairman, Bo,"go screw yourself," Pelini. This party was swept to power after the humiliating defeat of Nebraska at the hands of the Auburn Alliance in the so-called Cotton War. Its ideology focuses on the purity of the Nebraskan cornline and seeks to keep it free of inferior kernels. The party has also sought to expand in the hopes of adding some place of interest to Nebraska and thus initiated an invasion of Iowa, resulting in a brutal war of attrition between the two stuperpowers. Some scholars are baffled by Nebraska's reasons for invading its neighbor; after all, if they wanted to find somewhere fun, why did they invade western Iowa? Nevertheless, the war continues to this day.
Due to the small population of Keith County, NE, by act of the legislature, cattle on the Haythorn Ranch were given the right to vote. The cattle vote was what put both Chuck Hagel and Ben Nelson in the US Senate.
[edit] Economy
Corn. More Corn. Chicks. People. Football Fans who worship only the Cornhuskers and corn.
[edit] Culture
Since all Nebraskans' lives consist of corn and amazing fun, they have to find even more ways to entertain themselves. You may think that they are just a bunch of hicks on some farms that nobody gives a goat's nipple about, their largest city is actually halfway in Iowa! The round bales of hay that are found in many northwest Nebraskan fields contain Podimousteriflouronets, which Nebraskans simply call "pod-people". They come out in the middle of the night and eat the adults that live along the Niobrara River and take the children as captives. Later on, the children that are taken as captives are hollowed out and used as a protective cavity to store their eggs. About five eggs can fit in one ten-year-old. Many Nebraskans do not know of the Podimousteriflouronets' existence, and those who do know of them spend most of their time finding ways to avoid them, usually in Memorial Stadium.
Every spring on O street in Lincoln, there is a celebration known as "The Running of the Fat Chicks." This is were they take 500 of their hottest mamasitas and let them run loose on O street while the local children run for their lives. The surviving children are rewarded when the get home by being corn-holed by their uncle-dad.
Nebraskans believe that nearly everyone on the planet is white and if someone is not white and not black they must be a Mexican. Nebraskans believe that all crime is the result of the blacks and the Mexicans and that they should both be shipped back to where they came from. The University of Nebraska proudly declares that with a student population that is 92.3% white they are 'very diverse'.
The main pastime in Nebraska is talking about their mighty football team, which is a comical experience for an outsider. The Nebraskan belives that his team can once again gain glory each week. Nebraska's worst loss came at the hands of the University of Colorado in 2001 when the entire "football program" was destroyed. In that game Chris Brown made Eric Crouch look like a fool, even though most Nebraskans believed Crouch to be the "Real-life Superman." The final score was 62-36, and the loss was so traumatic that it appeared the Huskers would probably never recover. However, the new coach, Bo Pelini, has brought hope to the state, much like another famous "BO" has brought hope to the nation.
Think about it. Barack Obama's initials are BO, which is Bo Pelini's first name. That is no coincidence.
[edit] Religion
The official God of Nebraska Tom Osborne know by English speaking Americans as an ignoramus. All must bow down to the might of God, er Tom Osborne! Early settlers mixed their seed with that of the Indians, and thus took on some of their customs. One of these customs, the worship of Osbrosis, took on a new form when the white man exterminated the Indians. From this interaction all Nebraskans are cursed till the end of time and their punishment is simply living in the state.
The original custom involved carrying a young girl across a field to her new husband. She was anointed in sacred oil, and then a lengthy chant was begun as she was paraded across the gulf between virginity and wife-hood. During this process, the girl was wrapped in a leather sheath to symbolize her emergence as a new woman on the other side. After she was delivered to her husband's family, she was examined, and if her virtue was found to be true she was allowed to stay, otherwise she was strapped to a large bison and sent back across the field.
The deity responsible for this ritual was known as Osbrosis, a two headed she-man-bull with the tail of a goat. Osbrosis was a kind god, and well-loved. In an attempt to establish themselves as “god-of-the-indians” the settlers named their children “Osborne”—a mispronunciation of the Gods name. This tradition continues to this day.
In addition to Huskerism almost all Nebraskans follow the Republican theology with strict fundamentalism. All boys are required to own a shotgun by the age of 9 and if they think a 410 is a shotgun they are put to death because their dad thinks they have 'gone queer' and Jesus won't love the family anymore.
A follower of Huskerism must make a pilgrimage to Lincoln Nebraska to watch a Cornhusker game and MUST wear the bright red Cornhusker jersey.
[edit] Tourism
See our wonderful fields! In them, we grow corn! In Nebraska, we got corn. We got corn in Nebraska! And Iowa's corn sucks!!
Nebraska is also home to one of the most stunning pieces of crap in the Universe—the Archway Monument, which erupts from the plains near Kearney and completes a nice little span of Interstate 80 before diving back into the bowels of the Earth whence it came. No one is quite sure what the device does, but it may be some variant of Stargate.
[edit] Nebraskan superiority
Nebraska also has cattle that eat some of the corn and are edible in turn. This alone makes Nebraska more interesting than South Dakota. CORN! FIELDS! CATTLE! The love of corn eating cattle is so great that there are more cows than people in Nebraska!!
In addition to corn eaten by cattle and grown in fields, Nebraskans have combined corn with football. This has proved quite effective, as the Cornhuskers have won 5 National Titles. But since the 21st centuary, they have sucked!!!
Nebraskan IQs are ten to 15 points higher than those of Iowans, but the validity of that assessment has been questioned due to so many Nebraskans remaining in the state during its notoriously awful winters.
[edit] Population
- The population was 1 kernel at the 1990 census
- The population grew to two ears of corn at the 2000 census.
- The density is 1 kernel/sq mi (¼ kernel/km²)
[edit] Cities Located in Nebraska
The following cites in Nebraska have traffic lights. Please note that traffic lights may have been installed sideways.
- Ashland – NOTE: Only a blinking 4-way stop light.
- Aurora
- Bancroft
- Beatrice
- Bellevue – Means "beautiful view", but isn't one.
- Blair – Boasts 6 traffic lights and a roundabout! This makes Blair the most interesting boring town in the United States.
- Central City – It's in the middle.
- Chadron
- Columbus – Every state has one. No imagination eh?
- Donovan
- Falls City, where only half of the traffic lights work.
- Fremont – Famous for its bypass.
- Grand Island, well known for its efforts to place traffic lights on every 1/4 mile of *highway* leading into the town, and none actually in the town.
- Hastings
- Holdrege
- Kimball
- Kearney – They've got this arch thing. Not sure why. They just do.
- Lincoln – A suburb of Memorial Stadium.
- Memorial Stadium – Only one traffic light has been installed in Memorial Stadium, all three lights are red. Third largest city in the state.
- Nebraska City – Because "Iowa City" was taken.
- Norfolk – Used to be "North Fork", but that was too hard to say.
- North Platte – Used to be "Norplatte".
- Ogallala
- Omaha – Means "up the river without a clue" in the local Indian dialect.
- O'Neill
- Papillion
- Plattsmouth – Named after a real skilled chick named Platt.
- Rosalie
- Scottsbluff
- Seward – Also affectionately known as "a great place to dump your trash," Seward boasts an impressive 4 traffic lights.
- Valentine
- Weeping Water – Citizens are currently petitioning for a traffic light to reduce the amount of tractor to tractor collisions on Main Street.
- Wahoo – It ain't as exciting as it sounds.
- Wilber – Home to all the drunks in the world.
- York – Cause we are all from England right?
[edit] Famous Nebraskansinians
- William Jennings Bryan
- Dick Cavett
- Willa Cather
- Johnny Carson
- Charles Starkweather
- Malcolm X
- Willy Wonka
- Conor Oberst
- 311
- Bright Eyes < aka Conor Oberst
- Larry the Cable Guy
- Ryan Reno
- Beer
- The Weighted Companion Cube
- Several members of the Hale Bopp Cult (now defunct)
[edit] True Rumors
- Every US citizens is somewhat related to Nebraska.
- On entering Nebraska, one is lulled into a state of eternal sleep
- Your Mom once lived in Nebraska
- One theory states that Nebraska exists only as a state of mind, and the corn is a by product of the lack of imagination found in most Americans
- Giant hot women used to live in Nebraska
- God Loves Nebraskan no matter where they live. So you should claim yourselve as Nebraskan.
- Scientists at the University of Nebraska are working on a device which will create the Anti-Nebraska, a giant city interrupted by comically small patches of grass. If Nebraska and Anti-Nebraska ever come into contact, it will certainly bring about the end of the world.
[edit] See also
- Corn
- Fields
- meth
- Corn
- Corn
- Giant Man Beasts
- Man Bear Pig
- More corn
- Football
- Football
- Saturday Football
- Ummm...corn
- Bill Clinton Presidential Wash-house
- football
- Tom Osborne
- Interstate 80
- Beer
- Chimney rock
- Cone heads
- Creamed Corn
- Korn
- Corn
- Corn
- WAS THAT A FLOWER? No. Corn.
- Cattle
