Nectars of College Life

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The increasingly inaccurately named Three Nectars or "holy trinity" of College Life are consumables which have been empirically verified as capable of sustaining life indefinitely. They are as follows:

• Ramen instant noodles
• Mountain Dew
• Jolt Cola
• marijuana
• Slim Jims
• Blue Post-it Notes
• Generic Beer
• Pornography

[edit] Application

The Nectars are usually taken orally, though sometimes Mountain Dew can be taken intravenously or as an enema, while Ramen and Slim Jims have been known to be administered as suppositories or simply thrown into a flaming wastebasket as offerings to Poseidon.

[edit] Users

Though the Nectars enjoy their most widespread use among college students, many other groups make use of their nutritive and mystical properties, including:

• Shriners
• Computer Programmers
• Abraham Lincoln
• The Bavarian Illuminati
• Geeks
• Gamers

[edit] History

The Three Nectars were handed down to Oscar Wilde in 1337 by the mighty sea god, Poseidon. It was originally thought that when Prometheus stole fire from the Gods, he may have also stolen The Three Nectars. This theory has been proven to be unplausible, however, as scholars agree that this would be too much for him to carry in one trip. Multiple trips would have been impossible because Prometheus would have been too busy playing with fire and thusly wetting the bed. Biblical scholars and religious conservatives maintain that Moses brought down the Three Nectars from Mt. Sinai.