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Barr Irn-Bru 6 X 330 Ml Pack.jpg Yon article may be overly Scottish, no British. Ye shouldnae dae anyhin tae fix it.


The life cycle of the ned monkey begins at puberty, when the juvenile (or nyaff) dons his first cap

Neds are a form of urban monkey, indigenous to Scotland and related to the chav monkeys of England, and possibly the spide baboons of Ireland. They are responsible for the current well-being of the Burberry clothing label, the removal of motor vehicles and the numerous chibbin's which occur in their natural environment, Glasgow. They are also the cause of 107% of all teenage pregnancies in England.

Neds are also a form of underdeveloped bawbag and possess an IQ three points short of a cannibis plant. Neds have no concept of time except signing on at the Job Centre, Collecting the subsequent Giro and their alloted time for collecting their methadone.


The neds' natural enemies in this ecosystem are goths, Mosher and people. It is thought that this is because they possess 'intelligence', which terrifies the common ned. A group (team) of neds have been known to aggressively defend their territory from potential invaders in many ways. Their methods of taunting, which can easily be mistaken for the sound of a dying crow, allow territorial challengers time to draw their samurai swords and other bizarre, burberry-coated weapons, known on the West coast of Scotland as 'chibs'. It has also been observed that a single goth is quite easily capable of scaring away an entire group (team) of neds, although this does depend on the goth not being as scared as their white make-up. There are two ways which are usually successful in dispelling crowds of ned, firstly, The Polis ("The Pigs") and secondly a toddler running about after them with Shit on a stick.

In northeast Scotland, there has been a large increase in the numbers of neds. Many a local council has granted permission for a "neds cull," in which ex-fox hunters can satisfy their aching bloodlust by shooting the burberry-wearing bastards in the balls, thereby making reproduction impossible. (It was later discovered that it was more effective to shoot them in the head, as they had no balls to shoot, and reproduced by other methods.) The neds are then attacked by bloodhounds. The campaign has been moderately successful, with a 20% decrease in neds. However, there has been a huge retaliation in the ned community, and the "maws", "paws", "mates", "skanks" and "pals" of the culled neds have tried to start a petition against it. Their petition was unsuccessful as they have yet to learn how to read.

Another main enemy they have is The Big Man, who keeps the peace amongst the people in Glasgow with a mixture of extreme violence and Extreme mercy.

"Teems" of neds, 'mad squads', 'young teams' or 'gaggles' who fly on burberry brooksticks, often fight with other "teems". This is mainly because they live close by, but not in the same town. If "teems" are feeling "heavy nuts", they can organise "scraps", where on teem is scheduled to fight another. 97% of the time, neither teem turns up, as they are off collecting their giro's.


Neds, as improbable as it may seem, do have their allies. For example, there's the slightly unhinged but nonetheless rather MILF-y Socialist MSP Rosie Kane. Another close ally of the "mad skwads" of Glasgow is Socialist gimp Tommy Sheridan, who is well known for his own ned-like tendencies (such as sleaziness, looking like a bum who spent far too long under a sunbed, scrounging money and the inability to read or understand generally anything on an intellectual level above that of a common household telephone) and was recently voted "King of the Neds".

Female neds known as "skanks" are recognizable by their orange faces, cheap gold jewelry and skirts so short that they are used only as a belt to keep their knockoff playboy pants up. This uniform is perhaps most repulsive on the obese "man'beast" form of skanky ned.

Mating call[edit]

The ned is known to have a high pitched squeal noise, which some studies claim it uses for communication purposes. Others say the toxic chemicals contained in Buckfast cause the gradual fusion of lungs and vocal chords. The creature then cannot draw a breath without irritating those around. It has also been claimed that such a high frequency voice is attained by wearing a cap 5 sizes too small for him, which in turn squeezes the sinuses half way through the skull. [1]

It is thought that the brightly coloured surfaces of these creatures are to warn passers by of danger. The most notable warning feature, unanimously agreed by both Rangers and Celtic fans, is their acne ridden, ugly little faces. Clearly this is a trait similar to the black and yellow colour that other such creatures of God's green earth use to ward off potential attacks.

it has recently been found that a ned is not actually a simian, but a member of the sheep family that is very similar to all simians. as their brains and vocal cords do not function properly, they often abbreviate and mess up their their words as they cannot hold the words in their solid, true state in their head. this is the reason why chewing gum becomes "choongies", an indian takeaway becomes "indies", and water becomes "wa'ar". here are some other examples: buckfast: buck pitches: pitch-EEs cigarrette: smok(yes, smok) Neds also tend to have affairs with the local slags and claim themselves"SOLID"


Tracking these creatures is not hard. They are often found at the local Giro distributor, Pissing in the local fountain or scavanging outside an offlicense. Special feeding pens have been set up, these are known as "pubs" by people, and should never be entered when a ned is feeding, or the ned reacts very badly if it does not recognise you. They sleep in council buildings, or squat anywhere they can. The Male of the species usually has many partners, all of whom weigh 143 stone each, and are usually pregnant with a burberry baby, or 6 and are all invaribly called "Senga". The Males have discovered a way to operate our cars, although these are not recognisable as normal cars, as the exhaust is usually the same size as the car.


It has been recently discovered that neds are actually suffering from a disease called Nedophitus. There are a two ways in which a normal human can contract this disease. The first is at birth. If you are born into a ned family then there is little chance you shall become anything but a ned. The parent neds will warp the childs mind and turn it into another of the neds. The other reason is being in contact with a ned for too long. If you hang about with neds too long you will contract this disease and also become a ned.

Recent studies have shown that 63% of neds have over 5 STDs, and 99% have at least 1.

the ned is also allergic to condoms or what nedetes call " a plasticy dick skin "


In a recent study published by the Yoker Fund for the Conservation of Monumentally Spasticated Lifeforms in Scotland (YFCMSLS) it has been found that the typical ned male will live on average only 23.6 years. The primary causes of mortality include, daily fry-ups from age three, wank strangulation and wrapping a neighbour's Ford Sierra round a tree after several bottles of 20/20 and being overcome with remorse at having shagged your mates bird. Females ( nedetes ) comparatively live on average around 53.1 years and generally, after giving birth to their 15th mutant ginger child ( nedlings ) expire with one last king-size fanny explosion, thus rendering them useless to males as no more offspring can be produced post-fanny explosion.

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