Neighbours

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The neighbour (spelt neighbor outside of the USA) is a mythical creature thought to live next door to your house, in the next apartment, above your apartment or below your apartment. Your neighbour's sole purpose in life is to turn yours into a living hell. Traditionally it is your duty as their neighbour to repay in kind.

Etymology[edit]

The word Neighbour comes from the horse word "Neigh" which translated could mean "smelly" and the word "bour", which is shortened text speak for "b-o" (body odor) and "ur" meaning "your". In reverse this translates as "Your body odor smelly!". In American English the letter 'u' was removed from the word neighbour simply because in America, and indeed everywhere else, your neighbor hates 'u'.

Origin[edit]

Neighbours are not born, they are instantly spawned as soon as you buy accomodation, with a perfect knowledge of the things that piss you off and skills to perform those things impeccably.

History[edit]

The hostility between neighbouring neighbours actually dates back centuries to the time that God gave us the Ten Commandments. Some of the commandments insinuated that a neighbour was capable of doing many mean things to their neighbour, including bearing a false witness and coveting various items that belonged to them. Most people didn't actually understand what any of this meant, but generally assumed that if God didn't like it, it must be bad. This lead to centuries of distrust between neighbours and even today most people believe their neighbour may yet covet their ox or female slave, even if they don't have one.

At some point in history, the attribution 'Neighbour' shifted from meaning someone who lives in close proximity, to meaning the neighbouring country. As such, wars have been fought between neighbouring coutries for centuries, including the Battle of Hastings the Battle of Sark and the Iran V Iraq war. All were started on the principal that one accused the other of coveting their garden shed.

Neighbours Facts[edit]

  • 99% of homicides are committed by people the victim knew. 98% are their neighbours.
  • If he lives next door to you, he has an antenna that interferes with your TV.
  • If he lives in the apartment next to you, he gets your newspaper "by mistake".
  • If he lives in the apartment above yours, he's fat, walks with heavy steps and likes listening to music at two a.m. right above your bedroom.
  • If he lives in the apartment below yours, he complains about heavy sounds you make, like breathing.
  • If you're arriving home after a hard day of work, wanting to see your wife and your kids, your neighbour will show up and stop you so he can tell you about the exciting things he did all day, like fixing the lawn mower or washing the car.
  • If your wife/husband is pretty, your neighbour will try to have sex with her/him.
  • If she/he isn't, he/she'll try anyway just to piss you off.
  • If you have a son, your neighbour will show him adult magazines and violent movies while you're at work.
  • If your neighbour has a dog, the dog will shit in your lawn.
  • If your neighbour has bought an expensive high-tech cellphone, console, TV, etc., he'll show it to you pretending he's happy with his purchase and not with your envy.
  • If your neighbour has a son, his son will beat up your son, or teach your son bad things, and when you tell your neighbour to restrain his kid your neighbour will smile and say, "you betcha". Obviously nothing will change.
  • If your neighbour is interested in politics, he'll be republican.
  • If your neighbour is interested in religion, he'll be a Christian fundamentalist.
  • If your neighbour is interested in both, he supports Mike Huckabee and you should murder him.
  • If your neighbor is asian...well..I guess he/she will squint alot.
  • If you ever treat your neighbor as a decent human being, you will die.
  • Your neighbor is the one most likely to knock on your door to ask you to turn the volume down when you are throwing a party.
  • The spawn of neighbors are solely resposible for random garden gnome disappearences.

The Legend of the Good Neighbour[edit]

Some people say they have good neighbours. Those people can be described as people with extremely low social standards who are delighted with any human contact at all because of their incredible inadequacy for making friends, aka nerds who spend all day in their basement watching youporn.com.

The good neighbour is a legend. You'd be more lucky watching the skies all day trying to spot Santa Claus. Some neighbours, though, are good at pretending they are nice until their mask falls, but then it's already too late.

Neighbours in popular culture[edit]

The Australian television soap opera, coincidentally called 'Neighbours', attempts to show how real neighbours behave in the wild. Though some children watch it, as there is nothing else on, it includes many themes inappropriate for children, including males giving birth, child molestation, arson, STIs and secret satanist messages in their conversations if played backwards. Not only this it gives impresionable teens ideas of cheating, beating, becoming emo and drug taking. The programme has received much criticism for its title theme lyrics that depict Neighbours as being good friends and also gives innacurate mesurements as to the actual distance between a house and the house next door. When quized how long they believed a 'footstep' actually was, show producers refused to comment. In contrast, the show did receive high praise for the fact that it accurately depicted neighbours as generally hostile to one another. The show thought to end sometime but super high technology says that unfortunately it will never end.


Famous Neighbours[edit]

  • The Girl - as in, the girl next door
  • 667 - The Neighbour of The Beast
  • Alice - who at one point lived next door to 70s band Smokie and "comedian" Roy Chubby Brown
  • Kylie Minogue - better known as just Kylie, Ms. Minogue, Astrid Peth, Kylie's bum, The Patron Saint of Australia, The Wild Rose (although her name was Eliza Day), Danni Minogue (her android counterpart), or simply; The Queen of the Gays
  • Jason Donovan - stupid singer you've never heard of.
  • V - famously had an apartment directly above Agent Smith
  • Tom Jones - once owned a valley cottage alongside the dwelling of the legendary Welsh Dragon

Madge and Harold's life insurance scheme[edit]

Does anyone find it suspicious how Madge did a "Claire Devine" and has ended up in Emmerdale when she's supposed to be dead? This is the story behind the madness-

Madge faked her own death and moved to the small northern village of Emmerdale under the fake name of Lily so that Harold and she could use her life insurance to pay off who is a secret loan shark, Susanne Kennedy (who was supposed to be a distant relative of JFK), and is demanding Harolds's money on pain of death. Remember, you heard it here first.

Madge had an inept daughter in the Australian soap Neighbours au during the mid 1980's. She was the tone-deaf, wanna-be singer-come incompetent grease monkey Charlene Mitchell (which aptly played by the equally tone-deaf singer Kylie Minogue). She was the sort of daughter even a deaf-person feared listening to!

Notes[edit]

  • Scientists have attempted to prove that the person who lives one apartment up or down and one apart to either side is also your neighbour but results have, so far, been inconclusive.