Hi, my name is Neve Campbell. I'm writing this article on myself because as a retired Lawn Dart Champion, I'm not allowwed to leave my house due to several spectator fatalies. Also since I refuse to show my titties in my movies, I am now an out of work make-up artist. The highlight of my career was a walk on role as Scott Thompson's pubic hair stylist during a commercial break of Kids in the Hall.
I was working as a waitress at a cocktail bar, when I met Hugh Hefner. He was also living in Tijuana doing a donkey show down the street, and while he didn't enjoy having that huge donkey dick penetrating his anus every night, he never let the audience know it, he never stopped smiling! He was a true professional in ever sense of the word (example: He only charged $30 for rim jobs).
After learning to turn tricks with Hugh, my specialties were STAND, SIT and MILKSHAKE, we moved together to Huntsville, Alabama to seek our fame and fortune in show business. During our first night there we ran into Tom Green the President of Lawn Dart League of America or NAMBLA, and by ran into I mean, I stabbed him with a broken beer bottle for grabbing my tits before VISA authorized his payment.
I didn't find out until much later, like a couple of hours, that there really isn't an organization called Lawn Dart League of America, and that Tom really just wanted to see me throw some lawn darts outside while topless. Still I cherish the trophy I recieved as the League Champion, and no one can take my pride in that accomplishment away from me.