New Brunswick

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Sounds fishy to me...

“New Brunswick, eh?”

~ Ocsar Wilde on New Brunswick

“Hey guys, we're in New Brunswick again. Who needs more weed?”

~ Murdock Jones on New Brunswick

“So New Brunswick is part of Newfoundland... right?”

~ Typical Albertan on New Brunswick

“Cute Little Fellers...”

~ Stephen Harper on the people of New Brunswick

New Brunswick is an artificial city-state constructed seven miles in the air above the old site of Brunswick. Some people believe it has no weather.

Many studies have proven that New Brunswick exists for the sole purpose of adding an extra six hours to any car trip in the Maritimes.

Old Brunswick[edit]

(split during WWII) There is no difference between New Brunswick and Old Brunswick, the name was merely changed in the 1950's in an attempt to revitalize the economy.

The New Brunswick Climate[edit]

New Brunswick has a climate akin to a tropical rain forest apart from the tropic. The forest part is entirely a moot point because New Brunswick is a completely man-made place and it is in mid-air, floating like Jebus

The air in New Brunswick is necessarily thin because it is so high up, but it doesn't get any natural cloud or, by extension, rainfall because it's above all that. It does have a permanent cloud cover though because it has been the centre for all of earth's industry since it was built in 1995. Also, it's damned freezing up there, and the wind is perishing, so people have taken to staying indoors all day with the heating on.

Major Cities[edit]

Saint John is New Brunswick's bestest city and is the centre of all the world industries and is the economic capital of the world. Minto is where they chew tobacco, sometimes shipped in from Chipman. , Saint John's economy is based on fur-trading, heroin, splash pants, and the smell of shit. No one has ever actually seen Saint John as it is completely covered in fog at all times, it is just kind of a myth, like Atlantis. Miramichi is the fat capital of North America, the average weight of this city is 500 pounds. The average day for a Miramichier is the go to McDonalds get two double cheeseburgers, go to Ben's get 2 sliders, and finished off the meal with a econo dinner at Dixie Lee.

Capital City[edit]

Fredericton is the capital city of the Irving clearcut called New Brunswick. With a population of about 25 dying white elm trees, Fredericton boasts the largest cannabis culture west of Minto. It has been noted that one can not actually see Fredericton from the air because of the thick plumes of smoke billowing out from it. Drum circles are usually strung across the south side of Fredericton. The northside of Fredericton smells like unemployment and empty colt 45's and one can readily find a prostitute working the streets of Marysville any time of the year except when welfare cheques come in at the begginning of the month. There is a large population of white teens on the Northside who truly believe they are straight up Gangstas. This misconception has plagued the city since early 2007 when low-budget, underground rap artists began popping up with weak battle tracks and a general penchant for the real Slim Shady.

Politics[edit]

The current president of (New)Brunswick is Sir Dave All-Weird. He lives in the capitol city of Freddy-ricton. The New Brunswick senate is full of swearing politicians, who get expelled on regular basises.

Transport[edit]

There are several major highways in NB, including one which travels to PEI for some reason. All roads are closed in the winter, as nobody really has much to do in the winter anyway and clearing snow is a hassle. There is also a magicalal roller coster that dumb tourist use to go into the sky (to get high). The primary source of traffic is Moose, which is seconded by Ford F-150s.

Currency[edit]

All of the currency in NB has been spent, however there is a new plan in place for the province to secure Canadian funds by having every person between the age of 12 and 75 move to fort McMurray for a 6 month period and send all pay back east. Should this prove successful, NB residents will be able to buy steel tools, ammunition and boots from the rest of Canada again.


The closest thing to currency happens to be alcohol and marijuana.

Saint John[edit]

In the (mythical?) Saint John, it is said that it could have been the trade center of New Brunswick and possibly the entire maritime area, but some politician (Harper?) didn't like that the area was extremely sunny so he took all of the fog from everywhere else that no longer has fog and placed it in Saint John, decreasing trade and causing many people to move away because of apparent hazards on roads.

Saint John also has the Moosehead brewery, which is their most prized possession. Most of the other provinces wanted this brewery, but after tasting it for the first time, they all decided it wasn't that good and questioned why they wanted it in the first place. It is still loved by New Brunswickians and apparently Quebecians, although it is unknown why they like it. Some say it is because they are used to worse.

Saint John also apparently buys marijuana from Quebec in exchange for their beer.

Language[edit]

Asshole 1 - "T'est ben fuckin gay"

Asshole 2 - "Ah chouse, fait moi pas marcher la, tu woiras jte corkeras dans la face de sarvice."

Asshole 1 - "Ouaille tete ouaille, asseille moi!"

Asshole 3 - "Allez-vous vous gasser la face avant d'aller racer nos kiddie-bikes?"

New Brunswick is also known for it's blasphemous made-up words and phrases.

"Christ on a crutch." "Jesus Christ on a hotplate!" "Jesus H. Murphy!" "Lord tunderin!" "Glorius Puudd!"

Jesus. adj.: meaning unknown. "Shut the Jesus door would ya, we're tryin ta hot-box this bitch."

Puckerbrush. n.: weeds and thorny shit you wander through in the woods while hunting squirrels

Economy and Trade[edit]

The main exports of New Brunswick are bark, sticks, low-grade marijuana, contaminated soil and young skilled workers.

New Brunswick also exports a patently wrong and ethically dubious imitation of poutine.

As previously mentioned there is no importing into New Brunswick. Nor is there any internal economy, because no one wants anything. In fact, no one there knows there is anything else to want. The entire populace is oppressed to the point where they no longer are aware that they live. Send help! Tell the UN! People must be told about the totalitAAA£££££ ££ #4 +++NO CARRIER+++