Delhi
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“I smell curry!”
~ Oscar Wilde on visiting a public toilet in Delhi
“Holy Cow!”
~ Oscar Wilde on a safari through the urban jungles of Delhi
“I've got Delhi Belly!”
~ Stupid Westerner on inhaling CNG
“There are too many Bangladeshis in this city!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Delhi's cockroach problem
“Oh my God! Where are the snake-charmers?”
~ Stupid Westerner on realizing that Delhi was a modern metropolis
Delhi is the site of the biggest robberies in India's history. This ancient city was attacked several times by barbarians from Central Asia who looted its women and jewels and yet claimed "Delhi is a shithole!"
It is widely believed that Delhi is inhabited by snake-charmers and that there are no cars there and instead people use elephants as the primary mean of transportation. On the contrary, Delhi has the world's largest fleet of CNG-run buses. CNG does not mean Compressed Natural Gas but is an abbreviation for "Curry 'n Gas". Apart from Delhites, whoever inhales CNG develops an upset stomach, popularly known as "Delhi Belly".
Delhi is also known as "Dhaka's twin city" because many filthy Bangladeshis immigrate to the city and shit all over it. Fortunately such shit contributes largely to the agricultural products of the stagnant and backward economic infrastructure of India. One such pile of shit resulted in Qutb Minar, a famous landmark in Delhi adored for adding pleasant fragrance to the surrounding air. According to survey held in 3040 A.D., 90% of all rickshaws in Delhi were run by Bangladeshis.
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[edit] Administration and people
Deli is called the "city of seven vampires". The city of Deli was until recently ruled by the Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP), which is as all-embracing, secular and liberal as the Republican Party in the United States of America. Deli is ruled by Chief Minister Sheila Dickshit, whose name is funny and is often the source of many puerile jokes.
Deli is also known for its many phirang babes: the white gals working in the embassies and foreign educational foundations and more recently in IT companies. Its usually easy to spot them by looking for the blue number plates of the "Communiwue Diplomatique," "CD" or "UN" cars. Also the home of KI the silly animal.
Deli residents, contemptuously called Dilliwalas by non-Dilliwallas, are known for their loose eye-sockets...'cos their eyes pop out of their sockets when in the vicinity of good cleavages and roll down the narrow path. Dilliwalas are also known as the ultimate examples of healthy grown up Indian males. The healthy grown up Indian male is a thing to be feared by all of Deli's females, except the very healthy and very grown up females among them who terrorize healthy, grown up Deli males in a reverse phenomena by poking their balls with sharp hairpins and repeating ninja kicks to their face - performed usually in DTC buses in full public glare to instill fear.
People from Bihar come regularly to Deli as migrant workers (but they never go back -- strange) and more prominently to prepare phaar the renowned IIT-JEE...bringing in their own vocabulary to corrupt the already corrupted Dilli Bhaasha, now also called Indianese...coming in as homely and mom loving Bihari's...given time the word becomes "Be Harry." This transition to "Be Harry" marks their complete Delicacy-ness and they graduate from being "migrant" to "permanent" eyesores in Deli's busy aisles. This shows the deep fear in Deli people for "Bihari" people. "Bihari" migrating to Deli achieve their dreams and leave behind Deli people.
India has about 50,000 different languages, but the people of Deli speak the only officially recognized language in India — Indianese. It is a sort of Indo-Euro-Persian concoction with a lot of words containing the alphabets "k", "x", "z", "q" and "*". The main way of addressing people is with the greeting "BhenChod", which, coincidentally, is also the most-frequently-used word in Deli. It's considered rude if you do not start a conversation with "payncho" and end it with one besides repeating it several times in every sentence. A normal conversation about something as inoccuous as Deli's yogurt would go like this: Bhen chod ye dahi hai ki rubber ki chappal -- Bhen Chod mood kharab kar diya in bhen chodon ne. payncho.<---payncho is what some stupid Indian wrote who has never been to India . What a bhen chod..
Deli is also the seat of the Prime Minister and the President of India. They both sit behind the cashier.
The world famous Taj Mahal is only an hour away from Deli, and is man's greatest erection for a woman.
Recent incidents in Deli of several "Be Harry" folks losing their wallets has led to a generalization in "Be Harr" that "All Dilliwalas are chors"...the standard retort of the Dilliwala to this is "All Be Harry's are careless fools."
One of the most famous (and smallest) parts of Deli is NOIDA (which any self respecting deli -ite calls NEODA) - which is so small that even the name had to be abbreviated
(in response to the above statement:only a dilliwallah could be enough of an ass to not know that noida is not in fact a part of delhi.)
[edit] History
Provided by an old Indie king to help the gals of da world
Having said that, however, it's also true that Deli was never exactly a sidekick but a dude on the scene of Indian history. All through its long innings, the present capital of India has been an important "Kabab kee haddi". Reasons for this might be found in Deli's geographic location. Deli has always been a convenient link between Central Asia, the terrorist Northwest Frontiers and the rest of the country.
An inscription dating from the time of a cool bro named Asoka, the famous Mauryan king, tells us that Deli was on the great Northern highway of the Mauryas and linked their capital Patliputra (near modern Patna, Bihar) with Taxila (named so because he never got his taxes from there -- also called Takshila and now in Pakistan.
It's rumoured that Pakistan pays taxes to Taxila these days instead of it being the other way around). This was apparently the route that Buddhist monks took on their way to Taxila, the conversion hotbed in those days, and Central Asia.
What one can read between the lines is that it was also the route that the Mauryan armies took en route to playing
with the frequent rebellions by chicks in Kalinga and foreign insurgencies in Taxila and other such border
trouble spots. So, this gave Deli considerable oomph factor in history compared with the oomph factor it is accorded nowadays.
[edit] Most rebuilt city
Deli has an antiquity dating to 50,00099¢ BC when Pandu used to rule Hastinapur: It is rumoured that Deli now s(h)its where Hastinapur once stood. This rumour originated in the Usenet in 40,00099¢ BC, spread by two sex starved post-graduate students of electrical engineering in the University of Wherever, Someville, North America, and the it still ricochets in Usenet's annals - you can hear it if you can figure out how to access Usenet. Since then Deli has been destroyed or pillaged by scourges like man, nature or self and re-established several times. Some of it's old names were:
Lal Kot or Qila Rai Pithora Date:- 1060 AD; built by Rajput Tomaras. 12th century; captured and enlarged by the Rajput king Prithviraj Chauhan. Site:- QutubMinar-Mehraulicomplex. Remains:- Very little remains of the original Lal Kot. of the 13 gates of Rai Pithora fort, now only three remain (The ones with the most interesting graffiti were marked for conservation of creative ideas).
Ferozabad Date:- 1354 AD; by Feroze Tughlaq. It remained the capital until Sikander Lodi moved to Agra. Site:- Kotla Feroze Shah. Remains:- Only the Asoka Pillar rising from the ruins remains like -- again -- the so many symbols of Dilliwalas virility dotting Deli. There is also a stadium for cricket in Deli, called Feroze Shah Kotla grounds people often go to urinate when they feel like urinating. It is also serves as a busy bus stop.
Jahanpanah Date:- Mid-14th century. Built by Mohammad- bin-Tughlaq, the lunatic king. Actually he had some brilliant ideas but fumbled badly in their execution and was a perhaps thought a bit ahead of his times. Site:- Between Siri and Qutub Minar. Remains:- A few remnants of the ramparts used for warding attackers in defense.
Dilli Sher Shahi (Shergarh) In 1534 . . . This Deli was actually started by Humayun, the second Mughal emperor. After he was defeated and forced into exile, his far more able challenger Sher Shah Suri completed it. Site:- Opposite the zoo. Around Purana Qila. Remains:- High gates, walls, mosque and a great baoli (well...), Kabuli and Lal Darwaza gates and the Sher Mandal.
New Delhi In 1920s. The formal announcement to move the Angrez seat of power from Calcutta to Deli was made during the famous Deli Durbar in 1911 wherein the hefty and bulky Dilliwalas subjugated their relatively thin Bong brethren in a bout of Deli style danga. Contractors and workers, working from the designs of a phirang named Edward Lutyens (who never visited Deli - he thought he was designing a capital for India to be located in the American Prairies - thus the wide, flat, spatial designs of Deli now) completed the main buildings in 20 years flat. Since then, Deli has remained the capital of India.
Remains of Lutyen's Deli:- All the main British buildings, which include the spacious bungalows of the now elite New Deli area: the President's House (A neglected oldie's house who is given the house 'cos everyone likes him but no one wants him powerful), the Parliament( India's adaptation of the famous World Wrestling Federation) and Supreme Court (The Janta Kaa Durbar adaptation of modern India where you strike the big bell at the haloed entrance - like in the hindi movies - for justice to be dispensed to you. The only difference is that the Supreme Court's big bell has been out-of-order for several decades now) .
[edit] Deli today
Deli has been growing faster than the speed of light since creation (light hasn't reached the boundaries of the National Capital Region (NCR), yet !!), while India has been shrinking. Deli, economists estimate (specially that guy, the turban topped Montek Singh Ahluwalia), may soon overgrow into a monstrous and ugly food mart, fed on radioactive waste, and outgrow a fast shrinking India. If such an event occurs, India will collapse into Deli and also rein in neighbours like Pakistan and Bangladesh perched on the event horizon (see black hole for a technical, stochastic model of this) - this fear haunts the living daylights of all non-Dilliwalas. Economists are unable to time the exact date of this event (see the stochastic model to understand why) save indicate that it's likely to occur soon.
The turn of the century has seen delhi citizens' pedestrian habits evolve from simple jaywalking to the more complex manoeuvre of walking into the path of oncoming blueline buses. The blueline buses have pulled off the greatest feat of camouflage since a wolf put on sheep's clothing by painting temselves green while maintaining that they are blueline buses. This has successfuly fooled Delhiites into believing that they are at risk only if a Blue coloured bus crashes into them. Unfortunately it is too late by the time they realise, much to their dismay, that they have had wool pulled over their eyes. Consequently the blueline bus association is much sought after by the RAW(the indian espionage agency) for the purpose of training a new breed of super spies, who can actually cross the Pakistani border without getting shot.
delhiwallas have this very bad habit of comparing their f**kall city with mumbai. well mumbaikars dont care much (mostly b'coz they dont have any time to pay attention to this shit n they do understand that delhiwallas have all the time in the world to get engrossed in this shitty business as delhi is the world's sleepiest capital city), but still they (delhiwallas) dont undestand that they have all the good roads n metro n everything is b'coz mumbai generates the money n all that money goes to delhi as all the polititians live there.
anyways, delhi recently won some international award for largest no. of metro accidents, largest no. of rapes within city limits and most chaotic traffic system.
delhi is very eco-friendly city. long before event the term "global warming" was coined, delhi people knew about how great mess it is going to create. so, until today cycle-rickshaws and hand-pulled rickshaws exist even in the downtown of the city.
delhi government has created a very efficient way to keep a check on migration of people below poverty line. they created a system called "blue line". it consists of city buses and whose only job is to crush homeless people sleeping on the footpaths of delhi under their wheels.
it is said that indian cities are fast loosing their traditional indian identity, but delhi is the one city which still boasts of its throbbing indian culture. the cow is considered to be holy in hinduism and you will see more cows on the streets of delhi than vehicles.
[edit] Palika Bazaar
Or 'jannat', as Delhi's hormonally imbalanced, drunk on testosterone 16 year old 'tharkis call it. All adult Delhiites are prudes (A.K.A the 'Aunty ji effect')and cannot handle telling their kids about the birds and the bees. To solve this problem the N.C.E.R.T has come up with sex education manuals whose content consists primarily of directions to Palika Bazaar, hoping that kids will get all the knowledge they require from 'Kandi'.
[edit] Deli Leaders
Deli has found some of the most able men and women in history to lead its janta on the path to progress on various fronts. Not all are remembered here but some notable ones who left a deep scar on the psyches of Dilliwalas by the sheer stupidity of their actions are mentioned hereunder:
Sheila Dickshit
Raveena Tandon
Katrina Kaif
Kareena Kapoor
Sarson da saag
Santa Claus Sing
And Finally You!!!
[edit] Deli Climate
If you don't know to count 0 to 48, don't worry. The range of temperature will teach you the numbers. The acceleration and deceleration of the temperature can be breathtaking. It takes only 4 months for the temperature to change from 0 to 48 and vice versa.
In the past decade, more than 10000 school kids (boys) have fainted during the afternoon assembly all across Delhi. Few believe, it was because the boys(who were already dehydrated due to high temperatures experienced in June) went on mass masturbation after watching the famous DPS MMS clip.
Girls, however, have learnt to survive the Delhi summer by sucking on some rich kid's cock in their centrally air conditioned house.
| Indian cities |
|---|
| Bangalore • Bombay • Calcutta • Chandigarh • Delhi |
[edit] An overview on Delhi
However bad it may be, Delhi is still WAY better than Bombay (a.k.a. Mumbai, Slum Central, Yucksville, etc.)
