New Malden
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“DeRe iZ bAre 2 mAnY kOr3aNz iNnIt!!11!”
~ Filthy Chav on New Malden
“They are rearry, rearry starting to irritate me, filthy rittle dog eaters...”
~ Kim Jong-Il on South Koreans
“Dog, no thanks sheep for me please”
~ Matt Le Tissier on New Malden
“Itz ma turf yeh, dont step to ma endz buv”
~ Will the Gangster on New Malden
“I like Koreans in New Malden, I hide in the bushes and rape them at night.”
~ Paedophile on New Malden
“I Love Downsys, all piggy and wet..give me some of your downsy love”
~ Downsy Lover on New Malden
“I happen to not be fond of Korean Downsies. Dey is not phat o' da shizzle!”
~ Rich Chav on New Malden
“There's too many Koreans. I hate Koreans. They should be banned.”
~ Martin on New Malden
“The only way this can go forward is if we learn their language, earn their trust, breed with their women
and hope that in time, our differences will be settled. ”
~ Jeffrey Cholmondley Sung-Park on kimchi and LSD, New Malden
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[edit] New Malden
New Malden is a small town located in south-west London, locally famous for its large Korean population. New Malden is near Chessington and is two stops from Surbiton Airport by Horse and Cart. Koreans have been moving to the area for over 40 years and the current Korean population is estimated to be around 40,000,000 within a 3km radius of the town centre.
Two miles (3km) to the south is the former village of Old Malden from which it gets its name. The former village was destroyed after a bad tempered inter-Malden tiddlywink tournament resulted in riots, burning of buildings, and raping of lampposts. Both locations have since been swallowed up into the evil Greater London conurbation.
Korea is now a barren and empty country because all Korean people now live on Burlington Road, New Malden.
Many Koreans are really seriously quite cute...
[edit] Downsy Centre
[edit] Sport
Down the road from New Malden is the home of two outsider teams, Kingstonian and AFC Wimbledon (stinking bastard ground stealers), but AFC Wimbledon are shit, Kingstonian rule, and so locals fiercely deny their existence. New Malden currently has no football team of it's own but two groups of local enthusiasts are planning to launch new teams in the near future. 'Pak Choi Football Club' and 'Shanks Football Club' are scheduled to be entered into Krispy Kreme's East Surrey Lower Amateur Introductory Division at the start of next season.
New Malden boasts a highly successful basketball team, the 'New Malden Ganstahs'. The 'Ganstahs' led by captain Jae-Wook Jung, recently won the UK National Asian-only Basketball League.
They also enjoy wanking it sometimes to pedo hentai...nuff said.
[edit] Famous residents
The most famous past residents are probably the cricketer Alec Stewart who died of boredom there, and actor, comedian and entertainer Max Wall also raped babies there. It is also home to the infamous Mr. Woo who famously appeared as the 'sickman' in Nike commercials.
[edit] Trivia
- New Malden features twice in the list of excuses one Reginald Perrin made to his boss for his late arrival at work; one of the claims made is that he had sex with a badger there. This has led to fans of the show flocking to New Malden in an attempt to have sex with badgers, Badger Park is a local dogging spot, or should that be badgering spot? [1].
- New Malden is mentioned in a 'Fat Fighters' sketch in television programme Little Britain. Having won the lottery, Token-Asian character 'Meera' is asked whether she will send the money back to her family in India. She replies saying her family don't live in India but in New Malden.
- New Malden is the place where you will find Grues (or that is, Grues will find you) most commonly in the UK.
- New Malden was the former home town of Peter Green (ex-Fleetwood Mac)...no wonder he lost his mind for 20 years.
[edit] Transport
New Malden is served by more or less some transport, although local knowledge on the subject is sparse. Koreans are not provided with timetables for local Buses before leaving Korea, therefore, to avoid being unduly embarassed, walk approximately everywhere. However, for the population which has caught wind of such things as Motorcoaches, there are the following:
Route 131 Chavtown Oceana South to Wombledown Tennis Courts
Route 213 Slut's Paradise to Chavtown Oceana South
Route 265 Decrepid A-Road Pulloff to Near Wondswurf bruv via Chavster Hoehampton Massive
Route K5 Mordor to Sainsburys low-fat Ham
Route X26 Roydon: Shitgift Centre to That place not half as good as Surbiton Airport.
