New Orleans

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“I sang there before with Muddy Waters”
~ Alicia Keys on New Orleans
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about No Orleans.
An actual satellite photo of No Orleans as of 2006. (provided by Google Earth.)

No Orleans (previously Old Orleans, New Orleans, or New Atlantis) was once located in Louisiana, and is now located either underwater or in the mysterious FEMA Realm. Its nickname, the "Big Empty", was bestowed upon it after the great explorer, Ray Nagin, rediscovered it in a search for God, Gold, and Glory, only to get killed by Montezuma. Home of pirates, drunks and whores.

Out of all the cities in America, it was probably the most accurately depicted in the movies.

No Orleanians all had thick Southern drawls. They sounded less like New Yorkers than anything else. The No Orleans accent has now been wiped off the map as the city and its inhabitants have sunk deep beneath the waves leaving a chocolatey color in the Gulf of Mexico similar to that of Willy Wonka's chocolate river.

Since 1897, New Orleans has been called the "Big Easy", due to the city's rampant sin.

This can't be good. You know it's a big problem when tourists mistake the city for Venice.

Politics[edit]

No Orleans' skyline.

No Orleans politics are dominated by the People's Looting Party of No Orleans, an offshoot of the powerful Iraqi division of the same party. In the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, the People's Looting Party has instituted harsh mandatory and arbitrary looting laws; citizens are required to loot buildings and wealthy white people on sight, and further, to execute those who they observe committing the horrendous crime of buying an item legitimately. This law is enforced primarily by a brigade of angry black supremacists who know themselves as the Klu Klux Kids.

No Orleans is the capital city of the State of Marineland, a US state which separated from St. Louisiana in 2005 only to sink beneath the ocean. The governor is Jacques Cousteau and the state flag is mostly a vast expanse of blue. All tax revenue goes to a big fat used car salseman named FatHead Benson to pay for the Sports Cartel Associaton's No Orleans Martyrs football team.

The state bird is the Sitting Duck. The state girls are Hurricane Katrina and Hurricane Rita. As a pair they are known as the Girls Gone Wild

Counties in the No Orleans region are known as parishes, as most of those who didn't get out of the state quickly enough have perished. The local mayor is Stingray Nagin (named after the explorer), a big fish in a small pond who rules New Atlantis in a style befitting the Codfather.

Contrary to popular rumour, the The Lord Humungus no longer rules the city's gasoline supply.

Climate and ecology[edit]

“New Orleans has quit IRC (Excess Flood)”
~ An IRC server on No Orleans

Weather[edit]

Its so flooded Its now part of the Atlantic ocean.

No Orleans is fortunate to be protected from most weather systems. After the installation of the severe weather shield, No Orleans no longer fears even the most severe weather. The temperature is a balmy 90° and unlike other cities it never gets cold at night. The lowest temperature ever recorded in No Orleans after the SWS was created was 78 degrees.

Humidity[edit]

As of right now, the average humidity is 100%. While the temperature is always a cool 90° or so, the humidity of No Orleans can often make it feel less than comfortable. Due to its current location of mostly underwater, the humidity in No Orleans often exceeds 100%. This high heat and humidity often gives rise to a condition known as SWAS (Swamp Ass Syndrome).

Fortunately, the designers of No Orleans avoided repeating the tragic mistake made by the builders of the original Ile d'Orléans near Québec City. By leaving Ile d'Orléans sticking out above the water, they left the island exposed to wind, snow and ice, rendering it all but uninhabitable.

Wildlife in No Orleans[edit]

Once, the vicinity of No Orleans, or what No Orleans used to be, was populated by many different animals, such as kangaroos, gorillas, wolves, unicorns, dogs, Komodo dragons, grues, cats and hummingbirds, just to mention a few. There was also a varied flora, both plants and trees. However, this changed drastically with the arrival of Hurricane Katrina. Nowadays, the previous mammal and reptile fauna consists mostly of alligators, killer whales, white sharks, mermaids, octopuses, Krakens, pelicans, penguins, Puffins Canada geese, tortoises, Cthulhu and lots and lots of various fish species. Many humans have already fallen victims to alligators, sharks and Krakens, while others, mostly young men, have been lured into the open sea by the enchanting songs of mermaids, never to return again. The old forests containing mostly birch and conifer trees now consists almost entirely of subaquatic kelp forests growing up to 10 meter in height. The prospect of the future of No Orleans' wildlife appears to be soaking wet to say the least. The men in the black going around shooting people, however, are the black man's natural predator. The men in the black are keeping the white man's belongings safe and making sure no looting or kitten huffing happens in New Orleans.

History[edit]

“Yeah, about building a city there... Bad idea. It floods a lot.”
~ Native Americans, to the French

Past History[edit]

Marineland state flag

New Orleans was founded by the Spanish a long time ago. Then the French came along under Napoleon, whipped Spain's ass (without surrendering once), and took the entire Louisiana territory (which, at the time, went all the way up to what is now Canada) in exchange for not completely ruining Spain's shit. The French named New Orleans after Old Orleans, home of the maid of Orleans who was considered a horny virgin. If that sounds unbelievable, keep in mind that the French never bathe. After quickly deciding that the Louisiana territory was useless, Napoleon sold the whole damn thing to the United States, who broke the territory up into smaller pieces to keep from being devoured by it.

Until the early 20th century, New Orleans was entirely above sea level and flooding was not a risk. However, in 1911, following a visit from President William Howard Taft, 80% of the city sunk below sea level, requiring the construction of an extensive pump system and setting the stage for the effects of Hurricane Katrina.

New Orleans was in the Louisiana territory. It was, like, at the bottom although its current location in the wake of Hurricane Katrina now renders it truly "at the bottom". After Hurricane Katrina its name was changed to be more befitting of a city with its state of existance. These names now include No Orleans, or New Atlantis.

Prayers are being offered to the patron saint Joan of Arc, Maid of New Orleans of the New Orleans Saints and a search party is expected to be dispatched from the city of New New Orleans as soon as the flood waters subside to find anything left that can be looted.

Future of No Orleans[edit]

Many thoughts are in the pipe line as to what the future of No Orleans holds. Many have suggested to do nothing about it. These people of course have never been to Mardi Gras in the old New Orleans, and therefore should be ignored. Other suggestions include attaching large ballons filled with helium to raise No Orleans from the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico. Texas has offered to purchase the city and turn it into a water park. Whatever the future, it is without a doubt that once a year, beads will still be thrown and boobs will still be flashed!

Geography[edit]

No Orleans was a bowl-shaped city, following a visit from President William Howard Taft, and is now believed to be located in the Gulf of Mexico. The soil on which No Orleans was built is a mix of swamp peat, shit, and sand; these soft, unstable materials were somehow expected to hold key floodwalls in place even though the foundations inexplicably only went ten feet deep. Ellen deGenères has long advocated the introduction of more and stronger dikes to control the floodwaters of No Orleans. Since she is a famous Oscar Award winning actor, she could only bitch and complain about changes, but do nothing about it herself(that's just too unHollywood).

Culture in No Orleans[edit]

“When the levee breaks I'll have no place to stay.”
~ Led Zeppelin on No Orleans

Music[edit]

No Orleans was famous for its music. Favourite tunes include "Somewhere Down the Crazy River" and Chris deBurgh's "Don't pay the ferry man."

Katrina and the Waves took No Orleans by storm, as did Billy Ocean. Handel's Water Music can also oft be heard amongst the wreckage.

Below is good Example of typical No Orleans lyrics., from the song Ballad of No Orleans

There was a house in No Orleans
That caught the rising flood
It's been the ruin of many a po'boy
And God I know I'm one
Katrina was a cyclone
She soaked my new bluejeans
Our mayor was a gamblin' man
Bet on these levees
Now the only thing a gambler needs
Is a suitcase and a trunk
And the only time he's satisfied
Is when he's on a drunk
So mothers, tell your children
Not to do what I have done
Spend your lives in hurt and misery
In the House of the Rising Flood
Well, I got one foot on the platform
The other foot on the train
I'm goin' back to No Orleans
To watch this city drain.


Food and drink[edit]

No Orleans was best known for the MRE diet, where MRE stands for My Refrigerator's Empty. Nonetheless, a fine meal can normally be had by looting. If this fails, contact FEMA as they're always full of baloney.

Books and cinema[edit]

No Orleans was famous for the «Gulls Gone Wild» tapes, where flocks of gulls descend upon what was the French Quarter in order to claim Mardi Gras beads from amidst the rubble.

Perennial favourite books and television programming in No Orleans include Moby Dick as well as anything by Jacques Cousteau.

Although Kevin Costner has been laughed at for his movie Waterworld, it seems he was a visionary after all. We really should all apologise for not seeing the movie at the movie-theatre, but waiting for it to be aired on TV.

Radio and TV[edit]

Local broadcast stations include:

  • WWL - Water Will Leak (CBS)
  • WDSU - We're Drowned, Still Underwater (NBC)
  • WGNO - We're Gone Now, OK? (ABC)
  • WVUE - We're Viewed Underwater Everywhere (Fox)
  • WNOL - We Need Our Lifeboats (CW)
  • WUPL - Will U Please Leave? (MyNet)
  • WYES - Wow, You Expected Sunshine? (PBS)
  • WHNO - Wrecked Houses Now Obvious (Ind./Rel)
  • WLAE - Waterlogged Loot Available Everywhere (PBS-LPT)
  • WPXL - We Pillage Xtra Loot ("i")
  • WGSO - We Got So Owned! (Ind.(formerly FEMA))

Tourism[edit]

Things for tourists to do in No Orleans[edit]

President George Bush, along with George Bush Sr., on a recent vacation in Atlantis II (formerly known as New Orleans).

Drown. Seriously. The whole city's completely submerged in twenty feet of toxic sludge. If you don't drown, you can also catch a variety of fun and interesting water-borne diseases, like yellow fever and cholera. Many tourists enjoy hand feeding the new orleans refugees bread crumbs.

Flash your water jugs.

Get drunk and pee in public

There's a game called Finding Nemo, whoever finds Nemo wins the game, if you find SpongeBob or other underwater people then you're executed.

Leave. Oh wait, too late, well at least you have a fun lake to play in.

Festivals and events[edit]

Major festivals in No Orleans include Mardi Gras, Southern Decadence and the traditional new year's Mayor's Levee.

A long-standing annual tradition, the Mayor's Levee is a celebration held at the water's edge where citizens of this fine city are encouraged to bring sandbags and join in many fun activities.

Description of Those Who Used to Live There[edit]

Neworleansfamilyww.png

You know how the rest of the country thinks of places like Tennessee and Kentuckistan as "The South"? That was "The North" to us. "North" to New Orleanians was "anywhere where it, like, snows."

And we didn't have Southern accents. Runaway Jury, The Client, and Double Jeopardy could kiss my ass.

Despite persistent rumors that 62% of the city was African-American, most of us were actually French. Well, we were once we shipped out all the African-Americans to Houston, anyway.

And, despite our French heritage, we showered regularly and were not assholes. Our women were fat from all the beignets, though, and weighed, on average, the same as a Chevy Tahoe. This was a boon for the local snow-shoe sellers who spent all their time repairing damaged and crushed tennis rackets.

All New Orleanians had the last name "Neville" or "Du'"-something. The most influential in Katrina-era No Orleans typically had names like «duBateau» or «Del'hélicoptère».

Things for Time Travellers to do in New Orleans[edit]

A typical house in a middle class suburb of No Orleans, or New Venice as the denizens calls it.

If you're going to tour pre-Katrina New Orleans, be sure to bring a camera. You can get some great shots of actual African-Americans in New Orleans before the ethnic cleansing.

If you're visiting post-Katrina No Orleans, don't forget to tour our famous "Cholera District"

Those tourists visiting from the 2046 breast-cancer epidemic era might want to bring your own beads if you plan on attending the Mardi Gras festivities.

Warning: Traffic was heavy in New Orleans in the past. Plunking your DeLorean in the middle of Interstate 10 would have raised eyebrows, especially if the lanes were in contraflow at the time of arrival, and you'd better not have been doing 88 mph in the French Quarter. Furthermore, cries of "You're gonna see some serious shit!" would not have been accepted.

Crime[edit]

For tourists, the chance of dying is almost 99.9999991%. This varies slightly from area to area and from person to person. In the ghetto areas (see lower ninth ward) you have a 99.9999999% chance of getting shot or robbed. This can be avoided by wearing very saggy pants and using phrases such as "Wassup" and "Homedizzle".

But, the chances of dying are even higher in the City Hall. You will most likely become a victim of Mayor Nagin's "Chocolate City" plan, or FEMA's Road Home to Mexico Program. We give back to Mexico. They give us illegal immigrants, we give them refugees.

Hurrican Katrina

See also[edit]

Welcome to New Orleans