New South Wales
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“A wonderful place to live”
~ Kaye Chapman on Queanbeyan
“That's where I hail, mates! Get it? You're one cool Aussie!”
~ Marvin the Hyena on New South Wales
New South Wales (aka BOGANVILLE)is a state in Australia, lying directly south of Cardiff, near Dorset, in old Wales. Known for the production of whales, who are named after the state. On a side note, the residents of New South Wales are just as hard to understand as people from Old Wales, and they often slip into speaking in New South Welsh.
New South Wales is also called Sydney, as there is nowhere hospitable in the state apart from this stunning metropolis. There are rumours of settlers along the north and south coasts, as well as a small colony in the "blue mountains", that was set up in the 1980s tourist boom. However,extensive exploration has all but proven these theories to be false. In Victoria, New South Wales is also known as Howardsland and is the largest slum in Australia.
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[edit] Major cities
[edit] Bondi
Bondi is the capital of NSW. Anyone with any sense in Bondi (pronounced, for the septics, bun-dee) moved out of there years ago. Because of this, Bondi is now only home to pretend-poofs and various other minor television celebrities the colour of old teak tables. It is a requirement for any 'good sort' (female) who wants to live in Bondi to let Luke Ricketson root them. For males it is considered a very high honour for Luke Ricketson to root their female. For any Males who don't know who this is, it was once a requirement to leave Bondi immediately, but because of errors in bureaucratic procedure (the Governor was drunk and forgot to sign the bill renewing this ancient law) it now only applies to Clovelly and parts of Bronte.
The only real entertainment in the city of Bondi now is the daily ritual drowning of new arrivals who step off the airplane (the airport is at Queens Park in nearby Randwick, which by its proximity is also responsible for the unsightly pommy infestation at Coogee) and cross the road only to drown in the Bondi kiddie pool by the dozen each day while trying to take photographs of the Sydney Oprah House. This kiddie pool is otherwise known as 'Icebergs' because all its members have no balls, which is apparently, some sort of kink among men with more hair on their backs than their heads. Russell Fucking Crowe is sometimes seen there despite the fact he's a mangy vermin-loving cunt and should therefore fuck off to his smack-dealer mates in Maroubra, or throw himself off Ben Buckler. This is not a type of homosexual position but actually a gigantic shopping centre or 'Mall' that occupies the entire northern end of the city.
[edit] Scone
This small town in the Hunter Valley is home to some of the best grog in the southern hemisphere, even better than the French. It was the site of a major conflict after the french ambassador to Australia realised france would lose monopoly on the grog market. He ordered an airstrike and covered the entire Valley in little talking chipmunks who uprooted the local Koala population, the chipmunks turned evil and the French sent in the largest military force they could muster.... really.... no I'm not joking those 4 men with pitch forks where the best they could do. lismore is a cool place for hippies and scunge, casino, a town nearby is overrun with retarded /aboriginals
[edit] Lismore
This town is home to the most stupid, unintelligent speedway loving rednecks you will ever meet. It is locaed INLAND Northern New South Wales. The town has a major problem with aboriginals and other types of outcasts. Many people living within this town grow up to be nobody's and generally work in the corner store or dominoes pizza for their life. People like Brandan Wallace and Dylan Salmon, both people listed have practically 0% chance of anything good happening in their life. The people are often considered to be dirty scungey people who's favourite past time is rolling in mud and eating lightbulbs.
[edit] Newcastle
Newcastle is one of the most recently finished achievements of Gothic architecture in the world, hence the name. Strictly speaking, it is nothing like a castle - more like a well-planned catastrophe when viewed from above, and like a set of ultramodern ruins in side view. Currently it is populated by two Non-Aboriginal Tribes, the Lake Macquarians (who live in Lake Macquarie, the largest perennial lake in the Southern Hemisphere) and the Novocastrians (of Newcastle City, the only city in NSW whose tribal government is too stupid to work out how much 2343.499954304 is). The two tribes are in constant violent conflict, with the traditional weapons (toothpicks for spears and extra-soft paper tissues for shields) used on the traditional battlefield (Glenrock State Conservation Area, located smack bang in the middle of the two tribal territories). Glenrock SCA suffers much from being eroded by the traditional breed of war-horses (motorbikes) and from all the warriors of one constantly emptying Glenrock Lagoon by mass-drinking from it and then refilling it by mass- ing - a constant source of punishment for the other tribe when they get thirsty. Other environmental problems in Glenrock include uncontrollable expansion of lush, green rainforest due to a statewide deficiency in arsonists. Recent analysis shows that Lake Macquarians are starting to evolve gills' (which is useful, since they live in Lake Macquarie), and that each successive tribal leader of the Novocastrians has a very slightly larger brain capacity somewhat similar to that of a Gnat. Newcastle is perhaps the only city in Australia without a National Park, since both the tribal leaders claim one of those would be detrimental to the city's air quality.
[edit] Tamworth
Tamworth (Formerly Tim Tam-worth) was founded in 1799 by a ancient race of Japanese Tourists. It grew to a mega-city thousands of years ahead of it's time, but a dumb Monkey peed on the computer in 1812. It was re-founded in 1818 by a bunch of people who were pioneer bogans. In 1950 the town went into debt so they chopped the Mayor's head off, he died in 1993 after being hit by a car. From 1989 - 1991 Tamworth was ruled by David Hasselhoff, he then left to find a better job. Today, the town is going well, but the Golden Guitar has been rumored to be a real Guitar, the town would do a LOT better if the Guitar was real. By the way, it is also the Country Music Capital of Australia, WHY????!!!!!
[edit] Queanbeyan
Queanbeyan is a small town on the outskirts of Canberra which fortunately for Australian Capital Territorians is officially located in New South Wales, making it New South Wales' problem. Also known as "Hell on Earth", and "That Craphole", Queanbeyan is home to many of the ugliest bogans on earth, including Jack Thompson, and the Phantom of the Opera. Built in 1278 by a bunch of escaped convicts, it was originally named Happyville. This was changed in 1902 after everyone realised just how unhappy they were that they were not even smart enough to live in Tuggeranong. To put in perspective how bad Queanbeyan is, people drive via Perth and Townsville to avoid it. Foertunately, there is one part of it called jerrabomberra. think of it like abetter version of gunghaglin. Local teenagers are also infamous for involvement in shenanigans and can also be referred to as "those horrible teeneagers who hang around at the shops all the time...those little f$#@" as they are affectionally known by much of the older, pole-arsed, middle aged fags. These fags are also responsible for blocking the opening of the youth centre because they are the original convicts. Jerrabomberra is also known as sim city, or higher Queenbeyan. Canberra often teases them about the state of the city despite the fact their streets are littered with prositition and drug addicts and over aggresive fat kids.
[edit] Coffs Harbour
Coffs Habour is a stunningly boring town on the Southern Coast of the Northern District of New South Wales. It is home to what is possibly the worst object ever created out of chicken wire and paper mache, the Big Banananananananananananananaorama.
[edit] Wyong
“You got any spare cigs?”
~ Wyong Derro on Wyong
Wyong is the northern CBD, or Central Bogan District of the Central Coast, many of which live in the nearby district of Wattanobbi. Wyong is famous for the great smog of 1666 when the Bogan population of wider NSW came to have a bit of a smoko break. The area of "Good old" Fairhaven is also in Wyong, rumoured to be where every mentally deficient person in the Wyong Shire works / has gay sex then catches my friggen bus.
[edit] Gosford
“Shang us a durry?”
~ Scabby Gosford Abo on Mann Street
Gosford is another area vying for the much coveted title of "CBD". However, it is considered neither important nor a nice place to live. Approaching from the south, the Tower of Gosford can be seen nestled within the hills. It is said to have once housed the finest whores from Mann Street. Now the Tower has a few garden gnomes out front, bound to guard their slumbering brethren for all eternity. The small townships which fall under the jurisdiction of the City of Gosford are largely identical and considered to be "time-warps" - places where time and space has managed to escape all measure and continuity. The beaches of Terrigal, Avoca and Copacobana are the few safe havens for any traveller, though it should be noted that Terrigal ought to be avoided by any person who does not consider themselves to be a festering waste of human flesh. Terrigal, in the native language means "breeding ground for Yuppies, Roid-Heads, strumpets and self-indulgent wankers". Not to be confused with the Northern Beaches.
[edit] Cootamundra
They brag about how much unspoiled streets they have but they have the biggest terrorist problem in the world.
[edit] Other cities
[edit] War
New South Wales is currently at war with a neighbouring superior state called Queensland which is superior in every single way, including Rugby League.
[edit] New South Welsh language
The principal language of New South Wales is New South Welsh. New South Welsh is a language that is best defined by the harsh nasal tones of the females and the monosyllabic grunts of the males. Some common sentences the traveler may need in NSW may hear are:
- Can I have a smoke(Cigarette)?
- You got a light?
- *Cough* *Wheeze* *Gutteral mucus sounds*.
- Give us a smoke or I'll get ya.
- Oi... next rounds on you mate!
WARNING! Do not antagonize the locals my talking to them in English, and do not attempt to speak New South Welsh, as it will offend most people in NSW, instead try communicating with physical force as it is a language most people in NSW can understand. Don't be afraid if you get beaten black and blue, as the person(s) were just replying to your friendly greeting in kind.
[edit] See also
