New York Jets

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The New York Jets (formerly the Brooklyn Jews) are a semi-professional football team that apparently "plays" in the National Football League. The team was originally named the Titans but soon after a UPS cargo plane crashed into the visiting team's bench at Shea Stadium, the team was renamed the Jets. Although the visiting team had no players available after the incident, the Jets amazingly still managed to lose the game after a bad snap on a punt resulted in a safety. Shortly afterward, Jesus Christ came down to Earth and stood on the fifty yard line. Unfortunately, national TV coverage had switched to the movie 'Heidi' so there is no visual record of this event.


The Jets suffered for several years under various head coaches until the Jets sent Tony Soprano to the NFL commissioners office to 'request' that the Jets acquire Joe Namath. The NFL commissioners office agreed to this request and within a few short years the Jets were playoff bound. During the 1968 season, the Jets were a team of destiny. The team won the division and marched through the playoffs to face the highly favored Colts. In early 1969, Joe Namath uttered the infamous line "There is no way we can beat this team, they are much better then us. We will definitely not win, we will not win. I guarantee it." It was soon discovered that Joe Namath had bet against the Jets. Joe quickly recovered and removed the word "not" from any previous quote. The Jets went on to beat the Colts in a stunning upset after Joe Namath punched Johnny Unitas in the penis. Joe Namath celebrated by getting drunk and running around saying, "I want to kiss you."

After the Jets victory, they suffered through many years of infutility. During the 80's, the team had a resurgence with the "New York Sack Exchange". The team played in the AFC championship game against the Miami Dolphins in the famous A.J. Duhe game. A.J. Duhe managed to switch from a Dolphins jersey to a Jets jersey after the snap. A confused Richard Todd threw several touchdowns to the wide open A.J. Duhe. The team was on a rebound until Walt Micheals jumped out of an airplane after the Jets owner stated they wanted to sell the defensive line on the New York Stock Exchange as he felt they were overvalued. Soon after coach Joe Walton took over. Joe Walton holds the record for most nose picks caught on live TV. Joe averaged approx 5-6 live nose picks per game. Joe Walton only had 6 offensive plays in the playbook and eventually teams figured out that Joe would run them sequentially, play 1, play 2, play 3... This led to the Jet chant, "Joe Must Go". This chant was started by a fireman who wore a chef's hat. This eventually morphed into the now famous "J-E-T-S, JETS, JETS, JETS" chant.

Bruce Coslet took over as head coach and the Jets continued to suck for several more years. He was eventually fired as the team got worse each year. He was replaced by Pete Carroll who made the famous choke sign to the Miami Dolphins kicker, right before the Jets went on to lose the game. In the low point of the Jets history, Richard Kotite was named as a replacement for Pete Carroll after only one year. It turned out that Richard Kotite thought that Jets played European Football (American Soccer). That explained why the Jets had the worst season ever under Kotite with 1 win and 15 losses.

A new era was started when Bill Parcells replaced Kotite and gave the Jets some credibility. He built a solid team through the draft and acquisitions. The team went to the AFC championship game in 1999 and was leading at half time against the Denver Broncos. They ended up losing that game when Richard Kotite ran on the field and tackled Wayne Chrebet as he was about to score the go ahead touchdown. Bill Parcells 'retired' from the Jets and went on to coach the Dallas Cowboys. The Jets hired intern Al Groh for one season before Al moved to Hollywood to make the sequel to "Deliverance".

The Jets hired Herman Kotite, I mean Herman Edwards to replace Al Groh. After several seasons, the front office explained to Herman Edwards that the point of the game was to score points and use the game clock wisely. Herman did not realize that you only get 3 timeouts per half and the game was only 60 minutes long. Amazingly, the Kansas City Chiefs hired Herman Edwards from the Jets after the Chiefs owner beat Leon Hess in a thumb wrestling match.


The Mangini era was an utter disaster characterized by several failures and oddities. Several catfights occurred between Mangini and Patriot coach Bill Bellicheat.

Next on the slaughter line they decided to try being a tough team and hired Rex Ryan to coach. Ryan imported guys with funky names like Lee On-hard and Bart "I'm gonna rape you" Scott. Scott immediately declared his intention to sacrifice victories if it meant causing intense physical, mental and emotional pain to the other team. Rex Ryan also made Mark "Dirty" Sanchez as the starting QB for the team. It was later reported that Mark "Dirty" Sanchez got lost while walking around New York looking for the stadium. When hearing of this, Rex Ryan became upset; he immediately began to cry and ballooned up another 100 pounds.

On January 24, 2010, Peyton Manning was quoted as saying, "I knew they'd choke". Then, Peyton Manning chuckled.

Later on, the Jets made the post season again on many comebacks, where the opposing team got so full of themselves that they didn't notice the Jets new player Santonio "The Dealer" Holmes. One of these included the Jets somehow getting a touchdown in 40 seconds or something, I don't remember. All I remember is laughing at the Texans. In the playoffs, Rex Ryan was talking about getting revenge on Manning, and eating tacos. These mixed when they came back yet again, to win with Rex Ryan throwing a taco to the Colts sideline, confusing Jim Caldwell, making him call a timeout. Winning 17-16, Ryan was quoted as saying, "Tacos are awesome but feet tacos are the better."

In 2012, Jets' owner, Woody "Woodpecker" Johnson thought he was going to hell. He acquired threw a trade Tim Tebow. Tebow is a renowned Christian god. Unfortunately, this upset the current quarterback, Sanchez, who is a Satanist, and Santonio Holmes, who is a bishop in Scientology. Tebow further pissed off his teammates by scheduling team drills on top of the Hudson River and changing the Gatorade to wine. Holmes hates wine and prefers crystal meth.

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