New York Rangers
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New York.... Rangers ....
The New York Rangers is a professional hockey team made up of barabrians, drunks and super heroes who have been undefeated since they recruited the Incredible Ulf and his lazy, counterpart Kron. The team displays several brutal and yet hilarious habits which make them a fan favorite. The addition of famous super heroes to the team has brought only heightened popularity to the team. Some players, such as Ulf, Kron, Weekes, Nahdeev, Messierr, Lindros, Gretzky, Lumox, Jagr, Avery, ..Graves.. and others have performed so well that they became larger than life celebrities off the ice. ....
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The Journey of Ulf: Intro....
Legend has it that at the start of the 1997 season, after languishing as a last place team for much of the century the Rangers found themselves in dire need of a new identity. At the same time two former world class fighters, Ulf and Kron, had been traveling the world beating each other, drinking and trying unsuccessfully to seduce women. Whether by a stroke of luck or by will of the one and only God Barrett, a drunken Ulf and Kron battled throughout the city streets and came to intrude on the Rangers in the middle of practice. After Ulf accidentally smashed Messierr over the head with a bottle of vodka (triggering a lasting fued between the two) a brawl erupted. The facility was trashed but the coach was so impressed by their ability to inspire the team (even if it was just to fight) that he signed them immediately for a deal that reportedly offered "All you can eat cinnabons and free booze". The team's resident goalie Wreckedher had already been signed under a similar provision involving hookers. ....
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The Journey of Ulf: Training Camp ....
Training camp was under way. Unlike traditional training camp the coach essentially gave the team to Ulf and Kron to do with as they please. They chose to fight and drink nonstop for 20 days and 40 nights (They spent roughly 20 whole days being passed out). In order to survive the rest of the players adapted the mannerisms and brawling styles of Ulf and Kron. ....
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Mannerisms and Brawling Styles of Ulf and Kron ....
The Mannerisms and Brawling Styles of Ulf, Kron and the New York Rangers have been well documented, studied and are probably the main reason for Ulf and Kron's popularity due to its absurdity and lack of disregard for any logic, morals, laws or life. Here is an example of an Ulf and Kron style brawl from Rangers vs Islanders 97. ....
The teams line up at center ice for the faceoff. While the ref ready's to drop the puck Ulf can be seen pacing in the background screaming at the top of his lungs. "UUUUUUUULLLLLLF!! ULF WANTS THE PUCK! C'MON REF DO YOUR DAMN JOB AND DROP IT!" The ref drops the puck and Ulf immediately charges ahead at the nearest living thing...his own teammate Kron who is charging at a player on the oppossing team. "UUUUUUULLLLLLLF!!!" "KKKRRRRRRROOOOOON!!!!" "OH jesus don't fuckin kill me AAAHHHH!!!!" Kron viciously checks the oppossing player into the stands and Ulf whacks Kron with the stick hard enough to send him flying through the glass. Ulf then turns to find the puck and undergoes a series of vicious assualts while his teammates perform similar feats of brutality and super strength until one of them actually gets the puck and scores. After a score the Rangers immediately go after either the player who scored or the ref and commonly can be heard screaming variations of: "NO! NO! HE DIDN'T DO IT! IT'S IMPOSSIBLE! THAT'S A BULLSHIT CALL REF OPEN YOUR FUCKIN EYES! I SCORED THAT GOAL! ME! UULLLLF!" Followed by a stern reprimand by a teammate along the lines of "AH SHUT THE FUCK UP ULF! I SCORED IT! LOOK AT THE SCOREBOARD!" Or the coach fulfills his suicidal tendency and blows himself away with a shotgun. ....
Ulf, Kron and the rest of the Rangers often fly into berserker rages like this both on and off the ice. Ulf famously strangled Snuggles the Downy bear to death during a commercial shoot thanks to one of his famous rages brought on by the dropping of a hockey puck on a soft blacket. ....
Another noted mannerism of a Ranger player is the need to shout out a name as a warcry. Oftentimes the second somebody touches the puck one of the Rangers recognizes this, screams out the name of the player who touched the puck AND screams out his own name and goes on the attack. When a player touches the puck himself or decides to attack someone for no good reason he also follows this pattern of name screaming. Other times a player might also shout "I'll fuckin kill em! I'll break his neck!" or threaten bodily harm in some other way. ....
Players and Their Individual Habits ....
Ulf and Kron are not the only players unique to the Rangers. Several other players stick out due to their penchant for scoring, ability to brawl, or are famous for some other reason related to their name or habits. ....
For instance most players have a throaty, nasally voice and chant their own names at every opportunity much like a warcry. But Chris Cheerios has a high pitched, happy voice when he calls out his own name. On one famous occassion during a later season Cheerios touched the puck and joyously called out his own name. Ulf immediately blindsided him and injured him so grievously that he was lost for the season. Another character who shares this high pitched voice is Bookeeboom. ....
Jagr is unique in that he announces his name repeatedly. "JAGR!JAGR!JAGR!JAGR!" and when he attacks he tends to announce it "JAGRRRR ATTACK!" ....
Another character, Weekes the goalie or 'The Weekes' speaks with a deep, authoritative voice and does not call his own name but instead simply threatens everything around him oftentimes for the puck or for fried chicken. Weekes stands 7 feet tall, 240 pounds and fills the entire goal. EVen if he couldn't fill the goal he intimidates the oppossing team and even his own teammates so well that no one has ever scored on him for fear of the repercussions. On the rare chance that a player does attempt a shot on The Weekes he usually sprints out of goal and rips them in half right in the middle of the ice rink. An example of a Weekes interaction. ....
"Greetings foolish player. YOU have brought the puck to Weekes. Now give me the puck or you will die." "OH JESUS MCFUCKIN CHRIST THE WEEKES AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!" SLips the puck to the Weekes as per his request. "Hmm...I consider that a shot on goal...you presume yourself worthy of firing upon The Weekes....you will be punished!" Weekes sprints or leaps after the unfortunate soul and rips him in half. Although the Weekes has never technically been scored on his stupidity and bloodlust have led to him putting the puck in his own net on several occassions. He has tried to rip himself in half on these occassions and found himself unable to do it so he reaches over the glass and picks a fan instead. ....
Tex Avery is the biggest agitator on a team of brawlers and agitators. What separates him from the others is his mild intellect which he often utilizes to engineer new ways to piss people off. He doesn't fight as well as the others but has come up with many legendary moments such as fighting with people while on the bench( something the other Rangers rarely indulge in because they usually spend all their bench time drinking) mooning goalies during the power play, fighting with announcers and drunken fans outside of the stadium. He also seems to be the only player with a defined motivation to "Promote myself and have a ball." Whereas the other players just drink, fight and scream at whatever moves without giving a reason. ....
Thorqvist. After Weekes left, world famous superhero Henrik Thorqvist, norse God of thunder and beer decided to assume the mantle of Rangers goalie. He possesses a higher toned, extreme voice and tends to sing or rhyme to the Bulls On Parade song everytime he speaks. He often loses focus because of his woman friend Valkyrie in the stands and actually does give up goals on occassion but generally stops pucks in a variety of unique ways. For instance he headbutts pucks out of midair, throws the goal at the oppossing player before he can shoot and drinks so heavily that he covers the surrounding ice in vomit so the oppossing team can't skate close enough to shoot. He oftentimes statrs his sentences with the phrase "AWW!" and almost always labels himself "A bad fuckin duuuude!" The song Bulls on Parade was changed to the Thorqvist theme and the lyrics were retooled as follows. (Instrumental) AWWWWWWWWWWWW! THIS IS THE STORY!!!!!!! OF A BAD FUCKIN DUDE!!!!!!!!! HIS NAME IS HENRIK THORQVIST!!!! SO PAY ATTENTION CLASS!!!!! DON'T LET THE ....STORY.. ..PASS.... YOU BY!!!!!! AWWW! PLACE ON THE TABLE!!!! (SHouts) .....THOR! QVIST!!!! ....
THOR! QVIST!!!! ....
(Instrumental opening over) AWW I am such a BAD! Motha fuckin DUDE ....
And i'm blocking shots and just for kicks i'll fuckin choke her with my chode THAT'S A BIG DICK! Seaaaan wil make a riot start! And i'm inspired YO! To win for da Rang-A's! Horny ass mentions. Feedin my lust with a teenage giiiirl. A pre-ttynineteen year old! And there is Teeeex!!!! Avery causin fights go figure.The n***** fights until a riot starts! ....
My Name is Hen-rik Thor-Qvist! And i'm a bad fuckin dude! I'm playin for the Rangers! Cuz i'm a bad fuckin dude! I'm blockin shots with my heaaaad! Cuz i'm a bad fuckin dude! AWW AND I don't give a FUCK! Cuz i'm a bad fuckin dude! ....
(2nd verse): Where is the baddest dude with tude?That's me, drunk on the floor plastered all over youtube.What's it doin to the people? He used the beat up stick to incite a riot throwin it into the crowd...There's Ulf and Kron screams I'll break his fuckin neck and kill em! They don't credit goals they'd rather just remove em while yelling at the refs no he didn't do it! That's a bullshit call! Open your fuckin eyes! 2nd chorus: My Name is Hen-rik Thor-Qvist! And i'm a bad fuckin dude! Inspired by ....Tex.... Avery! Cuz i'm a bad fuckin dude! I'll pitch another SHUT-OUT! Cuz i'm a bad fuckin dude! AWWWI'm winning the Olympics!!! Cuz i'm a bad fuckin dude!!!!! ....
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I'm Henrik Thorqvist!Awwww!AWWWWAWWWWWWWWW Aw I’m such a bad…Fuckin. DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE! Thorqvist! THORQVIST! BAD FUCKIN DUDE! AW WHAT"S IT DOIN!? ITS PITCHIN SHUT OUTS! IT'S BLOCKIN SHOTS! DONT GIVE A FUCK! FUCKIN KILL EM ALL!!!!! ....
(The songs over but you still get to hear) PLACE ON THE TABLE! WOAAAAAA!!!! Place! On! The! TABLE! ....
This is a line borrowed from the Thorqvist's psychotic cousin Lattimer. ....
Other Rangers, jealous at the attention that the Thorqvist was recieving commissioned various songwriters to create themes for them. Mark Messierr retooled Sweet Caroline, Jagr retooled Right Back Where We Started From and Avery redid japaneses band Long Shot Party's song Distance. Ulf and Kron and The Weekes each have their own movies, musicals and theme songs. Ulf and Kron starred in An Ulf and Kron Christmas Miracle Journey and The Weekes guest starred in his cousin Luke Cage's films: A Cage's Life, Christmas with the CAGES!, G is for CAGE!, Cage: Annihilation, Cage: Insurrection, Cage: Decresecation, Cage: All-Star Nemesis (featuring T'challa and Apocalypse.) and BatKUUN! ....
--Shingraham 18:04, 20 January 2009 (UTC) ....
Rangers OST ....
The Rangers original soundtrack was later released. Besides The Thorqvists song the other three go as follows. ....
....Tex.... Avery Theme to Distance by Long Shot Party! It's ....Tex.... Avery! Ohh he's instigating fights! Aw what's it doing!? It does, whatever the fuck it wants! Watch out Avery! Because it is a hockey puck! It's coming at your face! He is such an enormous prick! ....
It's non-stop...Avery's instigating fights. He's gonna tease you! And light your dog on fire! No escape! An endless barage of taunts. Insult your culture! Insult your Cancer! Insult your announcer! He'll fight with Broduer! And There's nothing he can do about it! Except cry...and fight back...so there is Avery and he's in a fight. ....
It’s Tex Avery! And he’s in yet another fight!And who’s it with? It’s with… a drunk in a Devils hat! Aw what the fuck! Ah, a Jimmy with vodka? Ah he’s always in a fight, Oh and dating that hot ass bitch ....
Thank you great man, for all, all of the memories. Where would we be, without such an enormous prick? It’s what it seems, ahha he’s in another fight This time it’s Mike Tyson woah Tex Avery! ....
Mark Messierr to Sweet Caroline ....
Journey begins.....Fightin with Ulf and Kron and Not takin shit from anyone. I'll break your neck... and kill em all tommorrah! Would you believe I won the cuuup? I'mmmmm Breakin necks....scoring goals...and I will...kill em all ....
Mark Messierr! (kill em all) Ref that is a bullshit call....I scored that goal. (Scored that goal) He didn't do it it's im...poss...i....ble ....
Did you see me....wielding a giant ass stick? Use it to break your spine in two. Now when you hurt....Tear muscles outta your shoulder. Ulf how's it feel when it is you!? IIII'm Breakin necks....scoring goals...and I will...Kill em all! ....
Mark MEssierr (KIll em all) No more shit from any1...Fuuuuck Ulf and Kron They ain't shit compared to me...the...greatest . ....
(Instrumental) What is this music its too happy this is bullshit ILL KILL EM ALL!!!!!!!!! ....
Mark Messierr...(KIll em all) Swear I will kill Ulf and Kron...Cauuuuse They ain't shiit(kill em all) And i'll prove it because i'm...the ...great...est! Mark Messierr..(KIll em all)... Ref that is a bullshit call...I scored that goal. He didn't do it it's im...poss...i....ble ....
Chorus for Jagr Theme sung to Right Back Where We Started From ....
Oh And it's JAgr. Yea it's Jagr time. We're gonna JagrJagrJagr cause it's Jagr time! Jagr's good! Jagr's the best because it's JagrJagrJagr to the Stanley Cup! ....
Are you dismembering guys? (do you believe) I’m gonna kick some ass. Cuz there is no one thats better than me. And if the ref (that fuckin ref) Has something smart to say oh oh. I’ll take my stick and break… his… neck! Oh and it's JAgr. Yea it's Jagr time. We're gonna JagrJagrJagr cause it's Jagr time! Jagr's good! Jagr's the best because it's JagrJagrJagr to the Stanley Cup! From Chuck Norris (Yea that Norris) I learned my great attack. The power of a loaded gun. He gave me this move (A fuckin move). That’ll break their necks and it’s called a Jagrrrrr Attack! Oh it’s Jagr! Yea A Jagr attack! It’s a JAgrJagrJagr attack like a gun! Killin Ulf, I’m Killin Kron As a JagrJagrJagr attack lotsa fun! (instrumental) I’m the greatest! Me! JagrJagrJagrJagr! My song’s the best too! (Over) You can take my word. (Just take his word) When I start to say. That Jaromir’s the great-eh-ehst one! ....
Jagr and it’s Jagr time! We’re gonna JagrJagrJagr cuz it’s Jagr time! Chuck Norris…taught me a move. It’s a JagrJagrJagr attack lotsa fun ....
Jagr and it’s jagr time! We’re gonna JagrJagrJagr cuz it’s Jagr time! Jagr's good! Jagr's the best because it's JagrJagrJagr to the Stanley Cup! Jagr! A Jagr attack! It’s a JAgrJagrJagr attack like a gun! Killin Ulf, I’m Killin Kron As a JagrJagrJagr attack lotsa fun! ....
1997: Pre-Season ....
Roughly one week before the start of the season, reporters were finally going to be allowed to get a glimpse of the NEW New York Rangers. Rumors had leaked all over the city that the team might actually be good for the first time since the 1920's. ..Madison.. ..Square.. ..Garden.. was filled with an aura of excitement that surpassed even the time when Hogan, the world reknowned sage from the self help show Hogan Knows Best, beat ..Iran.. and ....Iraq.... at the same time in a match with the help of Mr. T. ....
The night before the new team was to be unveiled Nahdeev recieved word that his mother was dead. Distraught beyond belief Nahdeev came to the arena in the dead of night and drank a large portion of the teams booze. Most of the booze was stored inside of garbage compactors, old gasoline trucks, and olympic sized, built-in swimming pools of vodka. Nahdeev, drunk as anything, accidentally released the contents of one garbage compactor when he leaned on the lever. He of course found it funny so he proceeded to release the contents of every truck and then threw acid into all of the pools. He reasoned that all the Rangers players would be just as miserable as he was. The once glorious pools of vodka were now green, glowing, bubbling vats of sulfuric acid booze. Nahdeev passed out and fell in one. Nobody ever bothered to look for his body. ....
The next morning the first person to arrive at the stadium was none other than Kron himself. Hungover and half blind from weeks of drinking till he passed out, Kron proceeded to slip on the wet floor and crack his skull open. Undeterred by his injury Kron made his way over to where he insticitively knew the pool was and dunked his head underwater to have a taste. The following reaction was caught on tape: ....
Kron's head bursts from the acid bath. "KKKRRRRRROOOOOOOOOON!" His face can be seen charred and burning. He holds his hands out and looks in a betrayed way to the booze pool as if it had betrayed him. "WWHYYYYYY!? AH! IT BURNS AHHH!" Proceeds to roll over and clutch at burning facial flesh. "IT'S IN MY WOUNDS! IT'S IN MY WOUNDS! KROOON!!!!" Ulf walks in using a walking cane to steady himself after what is assummed to be a night of insane drinking. "Ah shut the fuck Kron you got what you deser..." Notices the booze. Drops the cane and sprints towards the booze..."MY BOOZE WHA-?" Slips on the wet floor and slides into the pool. Erupts from the pool engulfed in flames." Ahhhh! UUUUUULLLLLLF! MOMMYYYYYY!" The second he touches the alcohol covered floor the entire room is engulfed in flames including Kron. "KRRROOOOOON!" "UUUUULLLLLLLLF!" Regardless of the mind numbing pain their instincts triggered and they chose to beat on each other. The battle led outside where they avoided being caught up in the buildings destruction. ....
The rest of the Rangers players arrived to find their stockpile destroyed and a massive brawl started. Half of ....Manhattan.... was destroyed. The mayor at the time was finally able to try and make the area more family friendly after years of criminal infestation. Till now the public had remained largely unaware of the barbaric Rangers since they had thus far kept the fighting in-house and relegated to bars but this brawl brought them to the limelight. Criminals, already decimated by the bar brawls, now completely refused to return to the area. This made the mayors job a little easier in terms of cleaning up the city but neither would families come to such a dangerous place so the dream of turning ..Times Square.. into a mini-Disney would go unfulfilled. ... A week after the destruction the mayor attempted to honor the Rangers as hero's but foolishly dropped the puck to honor them and was savagly beaten and even raped by select members of the Rangers. In order to quell the ensuing brawl the army was called in. Ulf was the first to seize a tank for himself and when the chaos threatened to spill over into the rest of the city it was finally decided that the manhattan area that was destroyed by the Rangers should simply be given to them to do with as they please. The combination of fire, glass, booze and blood created an indestructible sheet of ice where the rink used to be. The Rangers just had to play hockey now... ....
