New and Improved Mexico
Isla Puta Madre en el Rio Grande
New and Improved Mexico
|Motto: "Third Time's a Charm"|
|Anthem: "Margaritaville" by Jimmy Buffett|
The green area is NuImproMex, in the Rio Grande river
|Capital||Nuevo Santa Fe|
|Largest city||Nuevo Santa Fe|
|National Hero(es)||Manuel Labor, Juez Dredd|
|Major exports||Carne Asada, Narco-Dollars|
|Major imports||Petro-Dollars, Assault Weapons|
“Third time's a charm! Well, probably not.”
"Give me your poor, your coyotes, your mules, and I shall bring forth on this island a form of government that shall withstand all forms of adversity, even Nelson Mandela's Bathroom."
——Manuel Labor, President and CEO of NuImproMex
New and Improved Mexico is the official name of the First Mexi-American Republic and represents the third time that the descendants of European and Native American settlers have attempted to set up a lasting and functioning political state at the northern reaches of the Rio Grande river in North America. The fledgling nation is a city-island-state, based on the concept of the island city capital of the ancient Aztecs in the Valley of Mexico, with Santa Fe-style Pueblo Indian architectural features. Its 13,204 inhabitants take pride in avoiding the mistakes made by the past and present governments of old Mexico and New Mexico: namely, failing to legalize the drug trade and immigration. The result has been a small city-state not unlike Lichtenstein or Monaco in Europe: a tiny, affluent self-governed area in the midst of larger, more violent nations. The founder and national hero of the country, Manuel Labor, features on the flag of New and Improved Mexico.
Corrupt politicians. No valuable, independent currency. No jobs and a collapsed economy. A failed state. A dangerous wasteland no outsider would dare step foot in... but let's stop talking about New Mexico for a moment, and talk about old Mexico. Ah, old Mexico: a narcocracy with nothing but tequila to drink because you can't drink the water, and no basketball or football teams worth a damn. In short, at the dawn of the current millennium neither state was a good state to be in.
On May 5, 2008, the people decided they'd had enough. The first try (old Mexico) didn't work, and neither did the second try (New Mexico). It was time for "New and Improved Mexico." A small priest from El Paso, Texas, crossed the border into New Mexico and climbed the steeple of a Taco Bell restaurant within sight of the International US/Mexican border. From there, he issued the now-famous yell of "El Grito" (roughly translated into English as "enough of this bullshit"). Dozens of New Mexicans and Mexicans with New Mexican drivers licenses flocked to the priest, a friar named Manuel Labor.
The rag-tag group of two dozen people commandeered a row boat and waded out into the middle of the Rio Grande river, which separates Mexico and the USA for a long section of the international border. There, they hit a sand bank that was the edge of a two-mile by one-mile island in the middle of the river. Re-enacting the "Conquista" of Hernan Cortez some 500 years ago, the settlers quickly brandished baseball bats and metal-spiked piñatas and thrashed the few local drug-runners and human smugglers who inhabited the isle. Manuel Labor then proclaimed that he and his crew had conquered the island in the name of New and Improved Mexico, i.e., the First Mexi-American Republic.
So it was that a group of settlers from both the old and new Mexicos moved to a small island in the middle of the Rio Grande river, between the United States and Mexico, and formed a more perfect union.
The island is under the dominion of a Constitutional Anti-Narcocracy. The people rule indirectly through their one elected representative, El Presidente Manuel Labor. The two pillars of government are the following ideals: That no drug or drug-trafficking shall be prohibited; and that no human ingress or egress shall be prohibited. The result: each of the 13,000 or so current inhabitants live much like members of rich Native American gaming tribes in the USA, sharing the fees paid by Mexican and American arms dealers and pharmaceutical companies for the privilege of using the island as a kind of neutral Switzerland in the current "wars" on human trafficking and drug smuggling.
The government of New and Improved Mexico (often shortened to "NuImproMex") issues its own currency, the Narco-Dollar, or "NC." There is only one denomination: The One-NC bill. The front of the bill features a portrait of Manuel Labor (who also features on the flag of New and Improved Mexico), while the back of each bill shows a wetback carrying a wrapped block of cocaine out of the Rio Grande River into New Mexico. As doing so, the wetback is depicted passing by and waiving to a boat filled with a cache of sub-machine guns sailing from New Mexico to the shores of New and Improved Mexico.
Since the nation's founding in 2008, the population has swelled from 24 to 13,204 as a result of immigration and childbirth. According to the Census Burro of NuImproMex, the racial/ethnic breakdown of the country is 26% Anglo, 0.5% African American, 0.5 percent Asian American, 2% Native America, 69% Mestizo, and 12% Chorizo.
The oficial lenguaje of the isla nacion es Spanglish, followed by Spanish and English. More than 70 por ciento of the peoples are espeaking the Spanglish, and all the eschools are teaching the Spanglish as the primero lenguaje. En the gobierno, however, mucho more of the peoples they are espeaking the English so as to facilitate international negotiations and treaties with New and Improved Mexico's neighbors to the North. This, however, es an excepcion to the rule - by far la mayoria of the peoples espeak the Espanglish or el espanol.
The Military of NuImproMex is a fledgling institution with only two squadrons of foot soldiers, three patrol rowboats, and an air force consisting of a single helicopter. However, much like Canada, NuImproMex sees little reason to develop its own military, relying on the protection of the military of the USA in the event of any international conflict, owing to its location in the middle of the border between old Mexico and the United States.
For Christ's sake, it's an island with less than two square miles of space in the middle of the Rio Grande river. Ninety-percent of the arable land is prone to flash floods. There's not much to talk about here.
Of course, if the inhabitants were ever to obtain imperialistic or expansionist tendencies, the entire green swath of the map to the left (which depicts the original New Mexico) would be up for grabs. And with those Narco-Dollars, the current residents of New Mexico had better watch out - the NuImproMexicans might just buy up the real estate, like the USA did with the Gasden Purchase.
Upon founding the nation, Manuel Labor and his adherents quickly established the one and only city in the nation, Nuevo Santa Fe. They designated the city as the capital at the First New-and-Improved Mexican Constitutional Convention in 2009, at which time they also decreed that the city limits would be commensurate with the shores of the island, thus creating a city-state. The streets are canals filled with the water of the Rio Grande river, and tourists have likened Nuevo Santa Fe to a modern-day Venice, without the Italians and with no Vegas-style imitation. Also, all architecture by law must be in the "Santa Fe Pueblo Indian" style, and no building may be higher than the square dome of the capitol building, which is reached by way of exterior ladders from the ground level.
Nuevo Santa Fe has a municipal charter that establishes law and order south of the border. One of the newest arrivals to the city, Juez Dredd, administers all justice and sits as judge, jury, and ejecucionero.
Under the City Charter and the Constitucion Federale of 2009, every citizen of the city has one vote, which may be vetoed by President Manuel Labor or any foreign cartel boss or pharmaceutical CEO. City/National elections must be held on Sundays at midnight per the Constitucion/Municipal Charter.
The city and the entire nation have only one ZIP code: 24601.
Famous New and Improved Mexicans
- Manuel Labor
- Inigo Montoya
- Juan Enjuan
- Consuelo D'Flor
- Jose Cuervo
- El Conde Rodriguez
- El Santo
- George Lopez
- Tomas Jefferson-o
- Speedy Gonzales
- El Barto
- Juez Dredd (New-and-improved alter ego of Judge Dredd)
|Countries and territories of North America|
|Main: United States of America | Canada/Canadia | Mexico | Jesusland | Confederate States of America | Québec|
Northernmost: Mediocre Britain | Canada States | Duchy of Björk | People's Republic of Canada | Awesome land/Not So Awesome Land
Atlantic: United Spades of Amerika | Wikiland
Caribbean: Barbados | Communist | Dominican Republic | Earthquake | Jamaica | Tortuga | Trinidad and Tobago
|Atlantic: United Kingdom of Britannia and Northern Pangaea|
Northernmost: Greenland | Gayman Islands | Acadia | St. Pierre and Miquelon | Cancanada
Gulf of Mexico: Pen Island | Tropico | Orgasm
Caribbean: Martinique | Bermuda Triangle | British Virgin Islands | Cayman Islands | Monkey Island | Puerto Rico | U.S. Virgin Islands