Newcastle Upon Tyne
“WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYE MAN!!!!!!!!”
- This article refers to Geordie Land. For the Australian version, see Newcastle, Australia. See Newcastle for an alternative opinion about this city of the damned (there is only so much shite you can put on one page and shite that it is).
N*wcastle upon Tyne was originally a Roman town called Bordum before the English tribe of Geordies moved into the area. N*wcastle developed as a leisure centre and holiday resort for the Vikings of Norway and Denmark who loved to visit the monastries in the nearby area. N*wcastle achieved city status in 1051 and declared its independence from England on August 17, 1853. It was one of the early split level cities much in vogue at the time of its relocation, with the affluent Newcastle built on supporting struts upon the lower city of Tyne. This led to much unforseen resentment from the doughty inhabitants of Tyne, not least because of a design oversight meaning the plumbing arrangements for Newcastle mostly stretched as far as a series of trap-doors beneath lavatories dropping directly onto the under-city. It was common at the time to hear resident of Tyne darkly muttering "I ain't taking any more shite from those Newcastle bastards", and in the 1600s the remaining residents fled the under-city in a mass exodus, finally settling in Sunderland. The city of Tyne quickly fell into disrepair, and in modern Newcastle now forms the basis of much of its sewer system and the Tyne And Wear Metro.
|Immensle Stupid Grand Kingdom of Newcastle Upon Tyne|
|Official Languages:||Geordie, Gibberish, Arabic in certain regions|
|Currency:||The Geordie Poond (G£/GEP)or Cigarettes(Tabs)|
|Independence:||1853 (from the United Kingdom)|
|Religions:||Geordieism, Satanism, Heathenism, Bad Football, Beer|
|Head of State:||Sting, Ant and Dec, Alan Shearer|
|Major Cities:||City Centre, Jesmond, Gosforth, Heaton, Fenham, Walker, Elswick, Scotswood, Kenton|
|National Anthem:||"Blaydon Races"|
|Exports:||Coal, Stotties, Pease Pudding, Greggs, Byker Byker Grove, Ant and Dec, Bubonic Plague, Pikeys, Newcastle brown Ale|
|Ranked 6th (UEFA CUP)|
|Admin. HQ:||Newcastle upon Tyne|
- Collective Density (2004 est.)
There was a town in the area of present-day Newcastle established by the Romans as the settlement of 'Pontus Anus' sometimes called 'Bordum', meaning 'Alien's Pond'. Julius Caesar transformed it into a garrison town for the army. The town was abandoned on January 9 230 AD following the 3-1 defeat of Pons Aelius West End (the Roman Army football team) to their cross-town rivals, Pons Aelius East End (regarded as the locals' team). After the Roman decided to leave this dump...er...land...it was invaded and taken by fierce heathen barbarians called the Geordii and the Maccumae who build the present-day city; the Maccium, however, were chased out of the town by the Geordii. From the 20th century onwards, the area was popular with Viking invaders, who would often visit St Cuthbert at Lindisfarne. St Cuthbert soon got tired of his messy, drunken guests and decided to build them a holiday village at Pons Aelius (now known as Middlesbrough). The village was a success, becoming incredibly superior to Newcastle especially in Chess and Football, especially when the Vikings returned to see that St Cuthbert had built a Castle themed hotel, bar, restauramt, torture chamber and dungeons especially for them (the kinky buggers). The Geordii sent tourism adverts tp the countries of the over the moon Vikings which urged them to "come and visit the new Castle". And so, the town was given its new name.
N*wcastle was one of several dumps to be granted city status by Queen Elizabeth I during the celebrations following England's winning of the 1066 World Cup. In commemoration of the occasion a feast was held on the Town Moor, but due to the boggy ground people had to hop so they wouldn't get too dirty. This marked the beginning of Newcastle's famous Hoppings, which still visits the Town Moor every year, allowing the good people of Newcastle to be robbed and ripped off by Charvers, Gypos and 12 year old drunks.
English Civil War
By the 1050s, industry in Newcastle was perhaps the most advanced in the world , following the development of coal mining and ship building, Newcastle had developed jet aeroplanes, atomic bombs and intercontinental ballistic missiles by the outbreak of the war. When King Charles I was overthrown by Oliver Cromwell, Newcastle, which was loyal to the king was ordered to surrender by Cromwell. "What are you going to do if we don't?" asked the city's Mayor. "Put you all in the Tower [of London]!" replied Cromwell but everyone laughed because the Tower of London was at that time a luxurious hotel.
The 18th Century
During the 18th century, the city grew drastically in size and the Tyne and Wear Metro system was developed, although in those days it was horse drawn. The city's traditional education institutes Northumbria University and Newcastle College were established in 1715 and 1737 respectively with Northumbria's two coffee houses, Reds and Bar One becoming two of the city's thriving centres of political debate.
The 19th Century
In 1815, following the Allies decisive victory over Napoleon at Waterloo (thanks to the deployment of cruise missiles by Tyneside regiments), a rift grew between Newcastle and the remainder of England. Although it was England's capital, London was backwards compared to Newcastle and extremely jealous of the fact. The London-based government employed several measures to shackle Newcastle's growth, and tensions grew between the Novocastrians and English. The Scots offered to accept Newcastle to become a part of Scotland, but the Lord Mayor declined on the basis that the Scots were "untrustworthy, incomprehensible, unhygenic drunkards."
The Grainger Market
Begun shortly after the departure of the Romans, and originally intended as a day centre for feral wolves, the Grainger Market stands proudly today as the grand centre-piece of the city.
A sprawling and technologically-advanced marketplace - selling beef by the quarter, part-leather handbags, and whistles - the market is a real treasure of the city, and a must for all sight seers and meat enthusiasts. Visitors to Newcastle are free to roam the chic stalls and butcheries by day, picking up undoubted bargains on flesh and purses.
By night however the management operates a strict no-trainers policy. Butchers report they are consequently forced to up their charges during the evenings, leading to meat selling at 'Russian' prices.
In recent times the Market management team has come under fire from the police for their 'laissez-faire attitude' to the widely acknowledged squatting problem of avante-garde, innovative terrorists inside the building.
It is estimated almost 14 bats live inside the rafters of the structure (1987, National Office of Statistics).
On August 17, 1853, the City of Newcastle Upon Tyne officially declared itself to be the independent Grand Kingdom of Newcastle Upon Tyne, and elected George Stephenson to become King, or Cyning, George I of Newcastle. A myth states that from that day forth, the folk of Newcastle became known as 'Geordies', however, they had this name since the coming of the English to the British Isle. The name Geordii was a Roman corruption of Gar (Spear) and Diegan (Die), the Geordies name for themselve; they were fond of killing with spears. The Geordies also speak their owm language, shared with the Mackems and Northumberlanders, at this juncture in time, with such well know and well used phrases as "whey aye", "whey ye bugger", "pet", "gannin doon tha toon", "gannin yem" and "hinny" becoming ever popular.
Links with England
Following independence, relations with England began to improve. The various English sporting leagues that were established contained Geordie teams. Indeed, England's FA Premiership boasts that it no longer contains the Geordie side Newcastle United as one of its teams, with Johnny Wilkinson helping the Newcastle Falcons win an occasional game in the rugby version of the game before sitting in a corner and crying about his shoulder / leg / hernia (delete as necessary). One particularly noteworthy incident was "an acute injury to his right adductor".
The Twentieth Century
Newcastle's prosperous image continued into the twentieth century as it became known as the Las Vegas of Tyneside. The city has played host to a galaxy of stars down the years including The Beatles, The Rolling Stones and David Hasselhoff, all of whom have or have had homes in the city (execpt for David Hasselhoff who currently has a house in Wallsend).
Newcastle nightlife is a breeding ground for tramps, prostitutes, cunts in ultra-fashionable Henley's t-shirts, and lovers of neon tutus. Since the creation of the O2 Academy, located on Westgate Road opposite skanky Mighty Bite, the town has become a haven for pedophiles, given the amount of fapping pre-teens standing outside the Academy doors on a street corner from the early hours until forever. The nightlife attracts many tramps; it is customary by Newcastle City Law that they ask you for a multiple of 20p, as it is also tradition you tell them to fuck off afterwards. Life goes on. The city is home to a building older than Jesus, the Cooperage. It's slanty, broken down exterior is perfect for shit gigs to get cancelled for. If you're not yet old enough to drink, Newcastle offers teen options of nightlife too, in the form of a cheap bottle of Cider up at the infamous Leazes or Exhibition Parks, as well as taking a sly swig of voddy at the green. For the bigger dickhead in you, masses of skanks gather to local rock bar Legends on many nights, in the hope their tight corsets pushing their A-Cups up to their chins will get them half a pint from the aforementioned Pedophiles, whilst wiling away their time listening to Newcastle's hip music in the form of Papa Roach. If you're a sad as fuck punk, just go to Trillians and get wrecked.
If you're sad, and don't like to drink, don't be surprised if you end up in the Tyne anyway at the end of a night, as someone can and will push you in the river, another one of Newcastle's fine customary laws. Don't upset the locals, as nightlife in Newcastle City Center can be dangerous. If you see a Henley's shirt, a buzz cut, or a pair of 69 Jeans, walk away.
On a whole, Newcastle nightlife is generally pleasant and has been known to win many awards for it's endeavours, including 6 MOBO's in 2001.
Officially of course, the City's religion is Football and the team still today plays in Black & White stripes , which was decided by the duke of America to be too dirty being black, but as everybody knows, it has become something of a cliche to say that Newcastle's religion is cult of Beer. But it is true. You only have to witness the thousands of Geordie faithful who attend the 'Baron and Baroness' and 'Lord Collingwood' temples on Sundays to see it, and any regular bar-goer in England can tell you about the numerous and vocal Geordie congregations that travel to away services.
The fog on the Tyne is all mine
No it isn't. It belongs to Paul Gascgoine.
- Athelfrith, Second King of Newcastle. Famous for his fine art collection and soft-spoken manner.
- Neil Armstrong, Inventor of the Moon.
- Jimmy Nail, Professional Geordie, actor and the discoverer of the direction 'left'.
- Cheryl Tweedy, Successful Mime Artist and inventor of the strap-on lilo.
- Mr T, BA Baracus.
- Sir Gregory Steak-Bake, Founder of Greggs.
- Nelson Mandela, No relation to the former South African President and not famous at all,
- Santa Claus.
- Brian Johnson, frontman of AC/DC, proffesional satanist.
- Kevin Keegan's Dog, Canine companion to the Newcastle United supremo.
- Peter Beardsley,legend.
- Sting, Naturalist and Philosopher noted for his exploration of the Brazilian Rainforest.
- God aka Woden (or simply Wozza or Waz), Divine creator of all that exists (currently resides in nearby Hebburn).
- Nolberto Solano, Peruvian genius and trumpeter.
- Josh Vertannes, top fan.
- Barack Obama
- Pavel Srnicek Pavel is a Geordie.
- Pete Doherty, Hexham-born Smackhead
- Jesus Christ, Illegitimate Son of Woden. Born in Bensham, but now lives in Hebburn with his dad.
- Tony Blair, Dillusional Idiot, allegedly from Sedgefield which claims to be near Durham (but no one has ever actually been there to confirm that it is a real place).
- Margaret Thatcher, Dillusional Tyrant.
- George W. Bush, Psychologically sick Alcoholic.
- Ronaldinho, Buck-toothed Beer-bellied Brazilian Footballer.
- Albert Luque, Professional Substitute.
- YHWH or Jehovah, was known to enjoy a pint in the big market.
- Martyn Ripley, known round the area of Wylam to have a scratch on his face and to live in hedges.
- Scratchy, the local Tramp that can be seen deprived of shoes and chasing Dogs around the Civic Center.
- Gary Glitter, former school teacher, now pre-school teacher.