Newport
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“What? Newport? Oi! That chav's got my wallet! Evidently he wants me to chase him...”
~ Oscar Wilde on Newport
“Woh, Oscar Woilde? Y'mean thah bender woh was played by tha' over bender in tha' film abou' benders? F**kin' too right there spa! Any kebab 'appenin 'en clart?”
~ Said chav on Oscar Wilde
 The flag of the Drinkers' Republic of Newport. The five-pointed star represents the five branches of Wetherspoons in the city, the Kappa logo represents the chavalry, and the yellow colouring represents urine.
| |
| Motto: You hold her arms down, I'll go first. | |
| State | Chavshire |
| Official nickname | Big Monmouth |
| Official languages | Chav |
| Mayor | Jimmy Saville |
| Currency | Pokemon Cards |
| Opening hours | 25:01 |
Newport/The Port/Oh yeah, that place with the bridge (aka the land of Eternally Dammed) is a major city in Wales, England, the Canary Islands and Guam. Newport generally maintains a good relationship with their close friends Cardiff and Cwmbran, the residents who reside in both cities regularly meet to exchange wives and other pleasantries. This marks the time many years ago {in 19 BC) when Cardiff City fans stopped their magic charabanc in the centre of Newport and got smashed up in a branch of Wetherspoons, resulting in a total refit which brought joy to the town's citizens.
Newport accidentally received city status in 2002 when HM Queen Tony Blair mistook the town for somewhere decent. This has since induced a general feeling of smugness and arrogance in its citizens, not surprising when Newport can also boast the only permanent outdoor circus in the country, home to Premier League side Newport County A.F.C.
Newport was made famous by the queens identity mistake of the 90's, when on a visit she mistook Newport for Beirut.
In 2003 a drinkers' militia stormed the city council buildings and declared the establishment on an independent Drinkers' Republic of Newport as a response to the slow progress of implementation of licensing reform. 99 percent of the militiamen died by accidentally shooting themselves in the face in a drunken stupour. However despite this the city-state's independence has been maintained since by a force of one dog (an Alsatian named Bert), mainly because no-one outside the city really gives a toss. As a result the people of Newport now enjoy compulsory drinking for 27 hours a day and constantly celebrate it through the ritual peeing of pants, and with much vomiting in the streets. The Republican government is noted for its warm relations with Venezuela - in fact President Hugo Chavez has even had the honour of his named being transliterated into townie (his townie name being 'Oogo Chav).
The main source of employment in Newport is the steal industry, closely followed by standing around in the city centre with a faraway lost look in the eyes whilst clutching Hyper Value carrier bags (this being a particularly popular source of employment for the over-50s). Newportonians refute any evidence that they are in fact, all slack-jawed yokels who do nothing but sit on their arses all day, drink White Lightning and throw stones at passing trains. In fact, an ordinance by the Revolutionary Council of the Drinkers' Republic has decreed that these positions may only be taken by residents of the city's prestigious Ringland estate. Some local political analysts (my mate Lloyd down the Jobcentahh) believe this is due to the influence of a criminal fraternity known as the Ringland mafia which also ensures that a bus serves the estate every 30 seconds.
Newport is home to the worlds largest population of the Carsticker Monkey, locally and more commonly known as the window licker monkey, This rare breed of monkey can be seen in the daylight hours at The Ferris' enclosure near the bus station, where they can be witnessed feeding on egg sandwiches and tea-piss, while often fondling passers by.
Newport is also home for the worlds first and only Scarecrow Hospice, where retired scarecrows come to live out their dying days, set up by Newport's most famous celebrity scarecrow, Wurzel Gummage and his wife Aunt Sally (Who is also a local celebrity, and used to be under the name of Mrs Gurnari best known for her cookery work within Bettws Young Offender Institute, Or Bettws High) The Hospice is located in Newports most affluent suburb of Bettws (or Bettis)
- Some famous Newportonians include:
Saddam Hussain, Dame Edna Everage, Josef Fritzl (He used to own the bassment club), Wizibit, Sooty, Sweep, Sue. Stalin. Aretha Franklin, The Lego Family, Ronald McDonald, Wurzel Gummage, and not forgetting Snap, Crackle and Pop
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[edit] Regeneration (Rebirth) Of Newport
In 2007 Newport began a 'regeneration' program within the City. This program involves disrupting traffic around the city for the next 7 years and putting new paving slabs down. Recently Newport City Council announced the Newport Chav Cull Of 1921 to be reinstated, as a part of the regeneration a coliseum is to be built in the city centre in place of the recently removed Town Pisspot, affectionatly known as 'The Clock'. When the emperor of Newport Sir Chuck Norris, (A fictional lion entrusted with the creation of the city) is satisfied with the rebirth of the city he will Roundhouse kick the Chav populance into the coliseum to fight over a pair of Nike Shoes. According to Hindi and Muslim tradition, Newport will be made into a giant seed, that will float over Manhatten; inspiring the documentary often misconcieved as a fictional movie Independance Day. After the city has left it's seed state it will crash back into the Usk, and sprout into a new and fresh City.
The 'Wise Folk' of Newport (Those with more than one GCSE) say that this rebirth is brought about by the entirely useless Ryder Cup in which a congregation of Buddhist and Hindi monks gather at the Celtic Manor at the edge of the City to play golf, swim, and overpay for their dinners. This event is well publicised, thousands of people flock to watch the monks play golf and the annual Amputee Monk Swim Off is an attraction that few Newportians can resist, the event will be moved from the Celtic Manor to the Coliseum once complete.
Actually receiving city status from the British Government (we DO have a cathedral, you know) has spurned a movement to rebuild our lovely castle. Noone quite knows why, other than numerous towny children have injured themselves by playing amongst the ruins. It just goes to show you that townies cannot discipline their children.
[edit] Local Traditions
Newport, like any other Polish city has its various traditions, these include
- The annual pigeon chase - staged in the historic John Frost auditorium, where residents chase a pigeon until either dies.
- The local tipple - Home brewed urine, often called White Lightening
- Cock fighting - staged in the market toilets, where tropical males fight with their male genitalia, the winner is the one who gets it in the "Back Passage" (the pocket) first.
- Tramp Teasing - A local daily event, where passers by jangle pockets of change while walking past "Carpark Citizens" often ending up with the traditional word exchange.
- Shoplifting - A local trading game like monopoly, where goods are exchanged for money or other goods on Commercial street, this activity is governed by the International Newport Historic Pilferers Society by Royal Standard located at JCP charles street, you need to be a member of the society to partake
- Annual International Newport Arson Event - Located at various venues throughout the city, people from all over the city randomly set alight to famous buildings, it is a game between Fireman Sam and the Public.
- Hide-The-Car - Where resident youth, take a car, un-known to the owner, and hide it, often called theft. The owner then has to explore all avenues to track down the vehicle.
- Surprise Sex - A random game between non-local taxi drivers and single females, where they often take the unsuspecting females to Twmbarlwm.
[edit] Demographics
Population: 1,682,000
Male: 74%
Female: 22%
English: 75%
Elizabeth Duke Burberry Infantry: 65%
Teenage Mothers :65%
Capitol Taxi Drivers with no license: 22%
White Capitol Taxi Drivers with no license: 0%
Gentlemen of the Road (Carpark citizens): 10%
Cardiffonians: 2%
Single-celled organisms: 14%
Educated People: 0.0001% (His name is Dave)
Lesser life-forms: 100%
[edit] Language
In addition to Polish, the main language spoken in the area is Newportonian, considered to be a mixture of one third Cardiffian, one third Bristolian and one third utter moronic gibberish only acquired after 12 years of skipping English lessons. The language is a branch of the Romance languages, although romance for most people in Newport giving a girl a swig of your super-strength cider on a night out in Tredegar Park. There are also regional dialects such Maesglaswegian, Maindish, Somertese and Caerleonish for the posh bastards.
Examples:
- Wosah? - What is that?
- Yew Fuckin' knowz it! - I believe you have a full understanding.
- 'urry up 'en ya fuckin' baastud. - Hurry up then, you illegitimate child.
- Yew gor a fing oi ast ew for? - Have you got that thing I asked you to get?
- Awroigh bruv? - How do you do my dear friend?
- Oi likes goin' dahn Asdaz in moi caar oi does. - I enjoy frequenting the local bargain basement supermarket in my heavily-modified Vauxhall Corsa.
- Safe blad - I'm a cunt
- Ow mate willu gemme some fags innur shop- I'm going to spend the majority of my life in prison
- Gissabirraahah- Can I have some of that?
- UH! - Hello.
- UH? - I am sorry, but could you repeat that please.
- UH. - Yes, I agree.
[edit] Trivia
- The official language of Newport is the local dialect of townie, which is related to the language of Boyolandic (not to be confused with Welsh).
- Newport is home to the World's largest Matalan store.
- 99% of Newport school children surveyed admitted they have no idea where Newport is.
- The Welsh Assembly Government have received applications from The Mayor of Newport to have an additional bank holiday to commemorate Saint Chantelle of Bettws the patron saint of unwanted pregnancies.
- Newport is built on a large swamp, much of which is visible through cracks in the pavement.
- Newport is the only city in Britain to have a river consisting entirely of supermarket trolleys and used tyres. High tide regularly causes dozens of deaths, mostly among passers-by who don't know any better.
- Newport Castle recently achieved World Heritage status as "the most pollution-blackened 10 brick castle in the world".
- Newport has many buses which (due to an administrative error) can be admired at Stockport Hat Museum.
- Newport is home to the first man who could swallow himself whole.
- Newport is known for dogs which look like their owners. This is particularly true within the homeless community.
- Newport was almost mentioned as part of the Axis of Evil by George Bush in 2001; however this was avoided when it was agreed to build another McDonalds restaurant in the town centre.
- In Newport it is illegal for children under 5 to be in a restaurant and not scream.
- Parents take children to ASDA in Duffryn to smack them, it's the only place in the UK where it is completely legal to beat your offspring without fear of prosecution.
- It is compulsary for single mothers from Newport to have at least 4 pairs of hooped ear-rings and to wear their hair tied back as tight as humanly possible which gives them an almost Oriental appearance.(Smoking whilst pregnant and chewing gum is optional but prefered.)
- Desmond Llewelyn (of James Bond fame) was from Newport although he never admitted this fact in public and was once quoted as saying he would crash his car and kill himself if anyone ever found out.
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