Nipples are devices invented by Sean Connery in 1742. Until then, the only way to tell how cold a woman with no bra was (with bras being invented many many millennia before) was to walk up and use your thermometer (also known as a 'penis') in her thermometer recepticle (aka 'vagina'). The original prototype nipple was simply a thimble coated in marmalade, welded onto the front of three scientific Guinea pigs. Naturally, the nipple has come on leaps and bounds since, with new "nipplettes" in the pipeline for release in 2010, there is undoubtably infinite scope for the nipple industry to grow out. What with almost everyone having two nowadays apart from those who forgot to put theirs on in the morning, the market for nipples is thriving and will hopefully develop into a full blown industry of its own.Unfortunately, GOD had the foresight to apply nipples to children while they were in the womb, discouraging the use of synthetic nipples as he deemed them "Not really appropriate for privatisation" and as such, the market for synthetic nipples has dropped. Fortunately, GOD's nipples are prone to faults, often leading to breastfed babies choking on them as they come off. "Croyffco" (Named after the 18th century inventor) has since developed a range of nipples with extra strong adhesive, which reduce the level of baby-nipple incidents.Often associated with boobs, nipples tend to be unappreciated when left beside the undeniable splendour of the boob. The sight of a fully grown nipple is often considered a sexual subject, with general boobage being on the whole, acceptable. George W Bush, while being an avid fan of boobs (and a rather large one himself, nippleless though he may be), is a firm supporter and keen member of "Mother's against nipples" or M.A.N who as an example to the world, have removed nipples from anything they can find. Indeed, the town of Aberfeldy in Scotland which is very much top heavy in M.A.N members contains three fields of cows with no udders. To remedy this issue, irate farmers have decided to Skull Fuck cows to take the milk from said cows.This act of Skull Fucking keeps the Cows from violently Asploding, as they would if the cows were not skull fucked. While some monkeys of the south ate their penis for nutrition, nipples became popular for masturbation and sex (sexual intercourse, involves putting your penis inside the vagina and rubbing back... and forth... in a nice slow, sexy movement so your penis doesnt break off inside of the vagina)
The First Nipple On Human Being
Was a fat, hairy ginger woman who was born with two strange growths on her chest. After breeding, the genetic mutation was passed down to her children, this is how evolution came about. And yes, that means we are all descents of her, and that we are all related.
Nipples Throughout History
Since their advent, nipples have been a highlyed product. In fact, they are one of the most prized possessions of society (combated only by one's "Virginity", produced by Virgin), and are often only displayed to people of great importance. This fact alone has given society in general the impression that they are a rarity, thereby planting the seed for a "sub-nipple industry".
The Sub-Nipple Industry
The sub-nipple industry, heavily mainstream yet socially frowned upon, is arguably larger than the nipple industry itself. Formed by one Playboy O'Leary, a man who realised that showing nipples to the public could be an extremely profitable venture, it combines the public display of nipples with the rare act of "Sexual Intercourse". This was not widely accepted at first, and O'Leary's magazine, Learing at Nipples, was an international flop. It failed to reach it's target audience, the art-appreciaters and wine-tasters of the world, and instead ended up hidden under the mattress of every male adolescent between the ages of 13 and 24 who were able to afford such fancies. However, Playboy did not despair. Realising that there was a profitable market in what he deftly labeled "pron", the Latin word for nipple, he set about building a publishing business for his magazine. Their slogan, "a magazine with nipples in for thee average male", was plastered across newspapers all over the world, inciting widespread controversy and ending with the inevitable pitchfork-related death of O'Leary. However, even after his death the industry continued to grow.
The Metaphorical Explosion of the Sub-Nipple Industry
With the coming of the "Technological age" and the advent of the "Inter-net", the porn industry experienced huge expansion. All of a sudden there was a completely new medium out there for the industry to explore. The inter-net allowed instant access to millions of nipples.
The 21st Century Nipple
In 1901, Jesus and John Goodman discovered latex and since then nipple manufacturers have never looked back. In the year 1984, one major conglomerate bought out every nipple manufacturer on earth, forming a gigantic Nipple Empire. Nipplesoft (the company) has since then revolutionized the nipple, adding special features such as milk secreting nipples, heated nipples and the ever popular laser-firing nipples. Many major stores carry Nipplesoft nipples, including Nipples-'я'-Us®, The Nipple Store and Walmart.
Nipples and the Media
Nipple advertising is a very controversial area. Many world-famous celebrities have been associated with the nipple, including Angelina Jolie, Martin Short, Superman and your mother.
The Scandalous Nipple Scandal of 1994
In 1994 (jobs), a dark year in the history of the nipple, reporters exposed Superman, one of the most prominent spokespeople for Nipplesoft, as the leader of a notorious Nipple Forgery Ring (not to be confused with just simply a "nipple ring"). After several months of brutal attack by the media, vicious court cases, and late-night cocaine binges, Superman faded from the public eye, reportedly ending up somewhere near Rigel 7. After that incident, Nipplesoft's stocks plummeted, leaving the company bankrupt and it's shareholders destitute. Many of them resorted to selling illegally produced nipples on street corners to survive.
The Return of the Nipple Industry
With the failure of Nipplesoft, the nipple industry was left for dead. For seven years, people went without nipples. They disappeared almost entirely from the media, and deprived teenagers had to disappointingly look at Angelina Jolie's (and, in some cases, Martin Short's) firm yet nippleless backside :^( . Then, in 2001, a small independent nipple manufacturer rose erectly from the ashes of the industry. Headed by nipple newcomer Tits McGee, the company was cleverly dubbed Tits & Nipples. The stocks quickly soared as people began to regain faith in nipples. In many places, nipples were as plentiful as the breasts they were displayed on. Some people were heralded as heroes, and wore multiple nipples on each pectoral. Thus, the golden age of nipples began, and continues to this day. Some say another nipple crash is imminent, but for now the people reside safe in the knowledge that whenever they are in need of a nipple, it will be there.
|This article is insane. The article submitter may need psychotherapy, and as such, this article should be taken as gospel. You can help Uncyclopedia by restraining the article in a rubber room..|