Nobel Peace Prize
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“Oscar Wilde, the only man to have won the Nobel Prize in every field, in one year”
“I, found, that, it was, very easy, to, earn this award. I will, shine it, everyday, and wear it, around my neck.”
“WTF!?!?!”
“I would kill for that!”
“BEANS!”
The Nobel Peace Prize is a science fiction novel by Ann Artani of Farmington Missouri, although it is most commonly known as a sarcastic award given by the UN, as a way to show the world what a useless pussy you are.
Appointment process[edit]
The Laurantuno of this noble prize is decided by an elite group of individuals known as The Leaders of Quite a Few Different Countries but Really Only the Ones Who are Nice to the President of the United States of America and not to Israel. These individuals get together and decide who has been a huge dick over the past year. They look at factors such as how many countries the dick in question has pissed off, how many times the dick has been involved in an epic controversy, the amount of people said dick has mistreated or killed and how many times the dick and the President of the United States have been at a party together shooting people. Then, once the committee has six possible Laurantunos together they decide which one is the biggest Laurantuno by rolling a six-sided dice with each possible Laurantuno's name printed on a different side of it. After this, they take the result to the local place where they make those little plastic medals for Little League sports teams and get a plaque with the winner's name on it. Then they drive by the winner's home and throw the plaque through the winner's window with a note saying "Go back to Africa!" on it. When all of this is over, the committee goes to a bar and gets completly wasted.
Chart of Laurantunos[edit]
Laurantunos List of Nobel Prize laurantunos in Peace from 1901 to 1970, when they got tired and quit.
| Year | Individual or Organization | Reason |
|---|---|---|
| 480 BC | King Leonidas I | This. Is. SpartAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
(also for being the first king to allow gays in the military) |
| 28 | Brian | Lost his hairy cherry on camera just days before he was cruxified for starting a religion that would eventually come to control the minds of billions...
Base-ketball |
| 34 | Brett Favre | For winning 3000 consecutive championships with the Romanian Gladiators |
| 1452 | Dracula, also known as Vlad III the Impaler (Romania) | At the age of 21, Vlad III the Impaler (also known as Dracula), conquered all of Europe, half of Asia, and parts of Africa in less than 4 hours. He then received this prize every year until death in 1476 out of the UN's fear of being impaled. |
| 1492 | The Cleveland Indians | Discovered Christopher Columbus lost at sea. |
| 1776 | Thomas Jefferson (USA) | While ambassador to France, he ate the first piece of French toast. In addition, he owned 200 slaves which he used to build a big hotel for slaves, which was in fact a cheap stable in Florida. |
| 1888 | Oscar Wilde (United Kingdom) | Being the greatest inspiration of Uncyclopedia. |
| 1890 | Andrew Carnegie (USA) | He made the only good steel. |
| 1901 | Jean Henri Dunant (Switzerland) | Made the little symbols for the Red Cross and Geneva Convention. |
| Adolf Hitler (Israel) | For helping Jews and for taking over much of Europe. | |
| 1902 | Élie Ducommun (Switzerland) and Charles Albert Gobat (Candyland) | Helped get rid of the Permanent International Peace Bureau. |
| 1903 | Sir Kosmo Kenneth Kramer (UK) | Made us laugh all through the 90's |
| 1904 | Institut ov incorekt speeling (not Belgium). | |
| 1905 | Bertha Sophie Felicitas Baronin von Suttner (Austria-Hungary) | accomplished in the category of having a long name |
| 1906 | Theodore Roosevelt (USA) | president of the United States... and that's all that's required |
| 1907 | Ernesto Teodoro Moneta (Italy) | jumped on the "making a 'Peace Group'" bandwagon. |
| Louis Renault (France) | professor of rabbits. | |
| 1908 | Klas Pontus Arnoldson (Sveden) | invented the very first Time Machine. |
| Fredrik Bajer (Denmark) | brought back the Permanent International Peace Bureau for about a year. | |
| 1909 | Auguste Marie Francois Beernaert (Belgium) | made really good pancakes for the United Nations a few days before their decision. |
| Paul-Henri-Benjamin d'Estournelles de Constant (France) | Comité de défense des intérets nationaux et de conciliation internationale | |
| 1910 | The Working for the Use of Child Labor Bureau (USA) | For bravely reducing the unemployment of children between the ages of 1 and 6 |
| 1911 | Optimus Prime (Earth) | For valiant defense of earth in the line of duty against the autobots. |
| Alfred is very Fried (Austria-Hungary) | founder of Die America Die. | |
| 1912 | Elvis Root (USA) | established the "cat" rule in Tic-Tac-Toe, thereby eliminating all former wars caused by it's lacking. |
| 1913 | Henry the Fontaine (Belgium) | temporarorly ended the Permanent International Peace Bureau. |
| 1914 | Arnold Swartznigger | For his tough role in broke back mountain |
| 1915 | not awarded | not awarded due to too many links |
| 1916 | not awarded | not awarded due to AAAAAAA! |
| 1917 | Underwater Red Cross, Atlantis. (disputed) | Not certain whether the winner actually existed. |
| 1918 | Not awarded | Not awarded due to the selection committee being hung over after the post-WWI celebrations. |
| 1919 | Woodrow Wilson (USA) | president of the United States, for founding the Justice League. |
| 1920 | Superman (France) | president of the Justice League. |
| 1921 | Batman (Gotham City) | prime minister of the Justice League. |
| Christian McJesus Christy Christ Christ (Norway) | secretary-general of the "I Love Jesus" Club | |
| 1922 | Fridtjof Nansen (Norway) | Norwegian delegate to the Justice League, saved over seventy refugees from a giant squid. |
| 1923 | Not awarded | |
| 1924 | ||
| 1925 | Sir Austen Chamberlain (UK) | for really wanting to be the Laurantuno. |
| Charles Gates Dawes (USA) | custodian for the Allied Reparation Commission and stapler of the Dawes Plan. | |
| 1926 | Aristide Briand (France) | for really wanting to be the Laurantuno. |
| Gustav Stresemann (The Land of Chocolate) | for really wanting to be the Laurantuno. | |
| 1927 | Mars Drone 4789203 (Mars) | founder and president of the League for Martian Rights. |
| Ludwig Quidde (Germany) | went to numerous peace conferences (but mainly for the free punch and doughnuts) | |
| 1928 | Awarded, but the UN forgot to write down the winner | |
| 1929 | Tony "The" Tiger (USA) | Briand-Kellogg Pact. |
| 1930 | Lars Olof Nathan (Johnny) Söderblom (Sveden) | leader of the elephantitas movement. |
| 1931 | Frank Addams (USA) | international president of the Women's International League for Peace and Freedom |
| Snap, Crackle, and Pop (USA) | Simultaneously for promoting the Kellogg-Briand-Briand-Kellogg Pact, (yes, the incestuous twins) and for the third funniest joke in physics (which is one of those things that's so sad, its actually funny. Then it's sad again.) | |
| 1932 | Molly "JewDeath" Maninfjor | Awarded for being the sexiest woman alive in the negative 23 and 22 century. Not awarded until 1932 due to interference from the experiments of Klas Pontus Arnoldson in his seminal 1945 time travel work. Incidentally, she was only in these centuries due to Klas's work. |
| 1933 | Sir Norman Angell (Ralph Lane) (UK) | writer of Six Ways to a Sexier You. |
| 1934 | Robin (UK) | chairman of the Justice League and Justice League Disarming Conference|Disarming Villians Conference |
| 1935 | Carl von Ossietzky (Germany) | pacifist journalist. |
| 1936 | Wonder Woman (Argentina) | vice-president of the Justice League and mediator in a conflict between Japan and The Legion of Doom. |
| 1937 | The Discount Cecil of Chelwood | inventor of the coupon. |
| 1938 | New Orleans International Office For Entering Refugees. | |
| 1939 | Not awarded | Mars-Earth Conflict II |
| 1940 | ||
| 1941 | ||
| 1942 | ||
| 1943 | ||
| 1944 til January 1946 | Frank Tashlin | Best Looney Tune Director in the early-mid 40s! Perfect angle, and everything. Clampett and Freleng are the runner-ups |
| 1945 | Klas Pontus Arnoldson (Sveden) | invented the very first Time Machine. |
| 1946 | Earl Greene Balch (USA) | honorary international president of the 'Women's International League for Peace and Freedom' |
| John R. Mott (USA) | World Alliance of Young Men's Christian Associations (no joke on this one) | |
| 1947 | The Best Friends Forever Club (UK) and The American Best Friends Forever Club (USA) | on behalf of the Religious Society of Best Friends Forever, better known as the bastards. |
| 1948 | Not awarded | Apparently it would have been awarded to Mahatma Gandhi if they had not accidentally killed him by dropping a very ironic "I Love Peace" Flag upon him a few days before the decision. See the movie "Gandhi". |
| 1949 | The Lord Bord-Ord (UK) | director general of the Food is Really Good Organization |
| 1950 | Ralph Bunch (USA) | for giving the leader of the UN oral pleasure. |
| 1951 | Léon Jouhaux (France) | president of the World Federation of Trade Unions successfully traded his torn Caterpie for a First Edition Holographic Charizard |
| 1952 | Albert Schweitzer (Germany) | for founding many successful Pet Hospitals in several Third World Countries. |
| 1953 | American Secretary Stacy "Cat" Marsh (USA) | for keeping the President's cocaine addiction a secret. |
| 1954 | The Office of the Bomb. | |
| 1955 | Not awarded. | |
| 1956 | Sonya Davis (UofO) | For having an ass soo fucking hot that fifty percent of my waking and sleeping hours I am clutching my hard cock while thinking of how hot it would be to lick her sweet little asshole until she whines, then fucking her in the ass until I blow my huge load inside of her hot cunt. |
| 1957 | Dora the Explorer | for finding common sense in the Pacific Ocean, died shortly after after not taking a boat. Do you see the boat? |
| 1958 | George's Dog (Belgium) | L'Europe du Coeur au Service du Chien, a relief organization for dogs. |
| 1959 | Philip Noel-Baker (UK) | for his lifelong ardent work on making the world's biggest rubber-band ball |
| 1960 | Albert Lutuli (South Africa) | probably did something very amazing. In fact, I'm sure of it. |
| 1961 | Dog Hammerskjöld (Sveden) | secretary-general of the UN (awarded in a very funny manner). |
| 1962 | Linus Carl Pauling (USA) | for his campaign against "droppin' da bomb". |
| 1963 | International Committee of the Red Cross, again. | |
| League of Red Cross Societies, again. | ||
| 1964 | Martin Luther King Jr (USA) | I don't want to offend anyone... so I'll just say "he was nice". |
| 1965 | Klas Pontus Arnoldson (Sveden) | invented the very first Time Machine. |
| 1966 | Not awarded | |
| 1967 | Gayvid (Jew.S.A) | For having two dicks! |
| 1968 | René Cassin (France) | first French person to defy all French stereotypes |
| 1969 | Jack Wright at Woodstock Federation | |
| 1970 | Norman Boring (USA) | for research at the 'Using Hedge Mazes to Confuse Our Enemies Center'. |
| 1971 | Greenpeace (Greenland) | for their seminal book about the environment titled "Global Cooling". (Republished verbatim in 2007 under its new title "Global Warming". |
| 1973 | The Exorcist (Film) (USA) | For being the greatest achievement in human history. |
| 1975 | Peter Sutcliffe | For his top drawer services in 'street-sweeping' in the UK. Many call this period the "Magic Days" as many women simply disappeared. |
| 1976-81 | Joint awarding of Luke Skywalker and Han Solo (A Galaxy Far, Far Away...) | for destroying the Death Star, dressing up as Storm Trooper, and joining a Village People revival. |
| 1982 | Taj Mahal | for being the most useless graveyard ever erectioned for a woman. |
| 1983-2000 | Bill Gates | for being the nerdiest looking billionaire and software pioneer |
| 2001 | Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Peoples Republic of California) | for giving her right arm in fight with the Illuminati. This has later been restored, so she had to give the medal back. Having both arms now, this was no problem for her. |
| 774 to [[2011 | Goku (USA) | for being the strongest man ever and for destroying a galaxy |
| 2004 to the end of time] | Chuck Norris | for being way too awesome, and having tears that cure cancer... too bad he never has or will cry!!! |
| 2005 | Drew Brees (USA) | for cleaning up New Orleans and establishing the new mermaid heirarchy that now controls the city. |
| 2006 | Steve Blackman (USA) | for playing Crysis on an Amiga. |
| 2007 | Parker (Canada) | for being the only person to find Osama bin Laden and shove a fucking fork up his tight ass and then beat him in a lovely match of chess. |
| 2008 | Ron Paul (USA) | for conquering the planet via rEVOLution and giving everyone free tinfoil hats. |
| 2009 | Kim Kardashian (USA) | for having such a big ass and big tits, see perfect woman |
| 2009 | Liu XiaoBo (USA) | for making it less likely that mountaineers on Everest will call up the Norygen Embassy |
| 2009 | Tiger Woods (USA) | for nominating Kim Kardashian |
| 2010 | T-Man (USA) | for making 1,000 videos on YouTube...mostly fucking Mario Kart...he predicts that 2012 is a new generation and 2029 being a possible thinkover (but however a relief like 2012)
|
| 2012 | Ima Mayan (USA, before the spanish came round and shut up the native Americans for good) | For predicting the 2012 disaster which, as it turns out, kills off all Native Americans in the world. |
| 2030 | Anthony HathaGay (Jew. S. Gay.) | Won the Nobel Peace prize out of pity. He is an epileptic fat ass who lost a bet over losing his virginity before the age of 22 (which was sad enough in the first place, not including the fact that he was fat, ugly, and epileptic). This was not enough. He finally died at 42 years oldHe was finally pitied enough the next year when he was raped by a rough trick named Leroy Hepner out of Bayside Gardens Oregon. Still technically a virgin and a retard today. |