Norse Gods
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The Allfather, the Hanged God, the Lord of Men, is the supreme judge of heroic things. He has personally reviewed this article and determined that it is up to Valhalla's quality standards. The author is permitted to enter the heroic realm of Asgard upon death. In the meantime, the author will be given a cask of Odin's favorite mead.
“Pfffft... that pantheon is crap. My thunder's better anyway.”
~ Zeus on the Norse Gods
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[edit] Introduction
The Norse Gods were around until, like all the cool gods, them crazy christians got rid of them. They said that there was only one 'God'. However, in this so called 'one God' religion there isn't such thing as Valhalla. Some sissified Vikings went to Christianity, but all the others who wanted to rape and pillage all day and then party all night stayed with the Norse Gods. The Christian Heaven was crap anyway; no one was even sure what there is to do when you get there. Whereas in the Norse heaven some crazy singing bitch on a horse takes you there and then when you get there you get wasted all the time! Plus you get there by dying in whilst killing Monks (yay!) and in the Christian religion you get there by saying boring hymns all day and being a good Samaratian. Which is the better religion? You don't have to be that clever to work it out...
[edit] Gods
Norse gods can come in all shapes and sizes, this expression definitely goes for Loki so watch out... Anyway the following shall describe the almighty Gods of Midgard in all Their glory! *Evil laugh and crack of thunder*.
[edit] Odin
Odin has a pet Raven called Dora, He also only has one eye because Dora pecked it out in a stress, rides an eight-legged horse, crazy pillock, and enjoys killing Christians and telling Vikings to invade innocent countries. Some of His passions are mead, beer, killing, beer and mead. He has a host of hoes, as mentioned earlier, which do His bidding on top of horses. These aren't eight-legged because Dora killed all the other eight-legged ones. His music tastes include Amon Amarth,Bathory, Battlelore, Einherjar, Battlerage, Berserk, Blood Has Been Shed, Berzerker, Battlelust, Battleroar, Beserkr and Bloodbath.
Odin's other name is Woden, which sounds a bit like Wednesday so some nutcase thought he would name Wednesday after almighty Woden. However, on Wednesdays I have Science then Maths then Science again and then R.E to top it off. Thank You, Woden, if that is Your name... sounds fuckin A. Odin has also been involved in some controversial dealings with Dwarves. His abusing of these little people consists of making four of the little fellows hold up the sky. He also hates people that are taller than Him as well. Abusing midgets, killing lanky people and having a whole army of prostitutes. He killed a giant and then used all his severed body parts to create a world: Odin is an intolerant, bigotted twat.
[edit] Thor
Thor kicks ass. He is the most kick-assest Norse god, only second in strength to David Bowie. Thor has a genreal distate for homosexuals. Thor was flying around one day when he saw this "girl". He appraoched her under the guise of a human and he started having anal sex with her. After seven days of this, Thor removed his human disguise and revealed himself as the god of thunder and proudly announced "I AM THOR!".
The girl then revealed that she was actually a bloke and told him "You're thor? I'm tho thor I can't thit". Needless to say that ever since that day Thor has been a bit of a homophobe.
[edit] Loki
The prankster of Norse Gods, Loki is the sort of person that pulls your chair back just as you're about to sit down and goes into hysterics while you're on your arse with a broken cocyx. Or maybe as you enter Midgard He'll put a bucket of freezing water over the door so that when you walk in you die of pneumonia, not that it's already chilly there anyway. What a joker! I bet He's really popular with the other Gods. It must be a party all the time in Valhalla with Him.
Another trait of Loki is shapeshifting. But how do you know its Loki? Maybe that cat you just kicked in the face wasn't, in fact, Loki, maybe it was next doors tabby. Now the old lady from next door is coming to have a go at you... Or is that the lady from next door? Kick her as well, she's probably Loki in disguise. Now quickly, get your mighty axe and make her taste its cruel bite. Then get her entrails and make her use them as a hat. Now set fire to her! And if she dies isn't doesn't matter she will just go to Valhalla.... That's what happens when you're associated with Vikings to long, you get carried away just a tad and will end starting a blood feud with someone because they looked at you. After all you have to defend your honour, don't you? If you let everyone push you around then Odin would be ashamed and Thor would destroy you with his cruel Thunder! Damn... happened again...
[edit] Minor Gods and Goddesses
- Agnethruda
- Jarr Thorken
- Loge, Loki's German son.
- Bjork
- Hillary Clinton (a more common guise of Loki)
[edit] Ragnaröck
Contrary to popular belief Ragnaröck, (Old Norse: Rörkíkróðck, Anglicized: Ragnórðk, Norwegian: Rauðgröck) was not a battle at the end of world, but, in fact, the gig Odin, Thor and Loki played at the end of world. Viking are huge fans of metal and so created Viking Metal. See Article on Vikings for more about Viking Metal, although, Odin and Thor had created the band prior to the birth of Viking Metal, like all trend setters. Some of Their greatest singles are: Raarrrgh!, I Love Blood, We Love Blood and the ever popular Death- The Best Thing Ever.
The band is as follows: Loki on Lead, Odin on Rhythm and Vocals and Thor on Drums. Their infulences include Black Metal, Viking Metal, Death Metal, some Viking poetry and Raping and Pillaging. Odin describes Their sound as: Metal crossed with Bloodlust and going Berserk. They have also had guest appearances from Jörmungandr, Vidar, Surtr, Fenris and Heimdall.
It is foretold, that in Ragnaröck, Jörmungandr will throw a red dress at Thor, and because it clashes with Thor's eyes He dies later. However He repeatedly hits Jörmungandr with His hammer, Mjöheímrálfjðrstrōrfýrst, and Jormungandr will die. Fenris will then proceed to eat a rather stringy Odin and Vidar will then impale Fenris on a guitar.
Their earlier sound contained more guitar riffs, was more melodic and was more influenced by poetry. It was less aggressive than their later Albums: Blood, Burn, Battle... Bitch! and Spear and Beer. Some of the lyrics from the Spear and Beer album are:
In one arm I hold the finest mead and a freshly hunted boar,
In t'other arm is My spear and a freshly bought whore.
These are the things I love - whore, boar, hunt, mead,
I am content, content as can be, this is everything I'll ever need.
This may not be the exact translation but you get the basic idea. This is from track 5, the last track of the album because in those days the magic of Gods could only manage to hold 5 songs on each tablet.
Discography
- 800 AD- Kill all Englishmen
- 803 AD- Our Pantheon is the only Pantheon
- 804 AD- Bloody Monks
- 807 AD- Wonderful War
- 912 AD- This Album is better than Christianity
- 915 AD- Better than any Edda
- 916 AD- Spear and Beer
- 919 AD- Raarrrgh!
- 921 AD- Blood, Burn, Battle... Bitch!
- 924 AD- 5 Reasons to stay with Us
After the short spell of popularity in the 800's They decided to go on hiatus due to relations in band. They came back just as Vikings had started losing faith in Them. This is partly the reason why a lot of Vikings went to Christianity- because, a big source of all their testosterone fuelled behaviour, Ragnoröck, were on hiatus. They then gave up because so many Vikings lost faith in them. It's an old legend that They will perform a huge gig at the end of the world and everyone in the mosh pit will die, if they hadn't died already during the gig.
[edit] Acknowledgements
- Thanks and foremost to Heimdall and Odin, Heimdall our Guardian and Odin the Lord of Men.
- Second thanks goes to the old lady next door who provided the evil laugh. She survived, by the way. And we can clear up she wasn't Loki. Well probably not....
- Another thanks is due to Thor, although he's a bit of nancy he gave us the crack of lightning. We sacrificed a monk in his honour.
- I take back the thanks at the top there. Odin's a twat.
