Northampton

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Northampton has often been described as an inferior God's armpit prior to the invention of deodorant and is home to the so called Northamptonians. The town resides in the East Midlands and is apparently situated in the heart of the UK. The only thing this town is good at providing is rugby player's for the England team and making shoes for Elephants. The main sites popular with tourist's are the unmissable Vomit and Blood Stains on Bridge Street (which mysteriously change every Saturday night) and The Saturday Morning 'Goth Gathering' on Abington Street (where depressed northampton-town football fans don makeup and womens clothing in a bid to 'express themselves').

The town is a criminal hotspot which is encouraged by the local education authority who use 'Physical Education' as an excuse to train children to enable them to leave crime scenes swiftly. The reason this is encouraged is due to the lack of prison cells available.

There is a very large population of unique human-beings in Northampton called the "SKI's". They can be found all over the town, however there are various hotspots for these steroid, growth hormone consuming plumbers and casual labourers in places such as LA fitness, Trilogy Fitness and Danes Camp. This species rarely pose a danger to the majority of people, unless they suffer from a weak heart, if this is the case then certain precautions are advised for example avoiding them at all costs, they can be very intimidating. The local dialect spokin by the SKI'S is SKI (This shows how inventive these people are with words). A relatively simple dialect, one merely adds the three letters, s,k and i to the end of any random word and replaces the letter E with A. For example: "Halloski my name is Phillski!" In this case exagerate the sylable in Phill.

Unlike much of the UK, excessive drinking is encouraged from an early age by the parents in Northampton. The miscreants drink mainly in the town centre where alcohol can be purchased from various shops on the Wellingborough road. These booze consuming people (although not entirely human they are more commonly known as theChav]]) tend to congregate in the council house's of Spencer, Briar hill and Duston.

Popular local sports include gratuitous violence and virgin spotting. It is believed that Panda's currently outnumber the number virgins living in the Northamptonshire county. Current world champion Joseph Fritzl currently resides in Weavers School in nearby town Wellingborough where to this day he is yet to find a virgin above the age of 5 without a black eye or several broken bones.

The town is often unfairly compared to other local towns such as Kettering and Corby against which it cannot compete in sports such as 'Football' and 'Mocking people with any qualifications'. This is mainly due to the presence of Tresham college who sap any form of prior intellect from the students souls. Most people believe that 'Shaun of the Dead' was a comedy about zombies, however it was actually originally intended as a factual documentary about the Youth of Northamptonshire.

I would advise anyone travelling towards Northampton to carry on driving down the M1 when passing through, just dont stop driving until your safely out of Northampton. The reason this is advised is because 'outsiders' are treated with a little less respect than locals. If your voice sounds slightly different to the accent of the Northamptonian the local hooligans will suddenly appear from behind a bush and beat you until you can barely breath. However, this is not the worst that could happen, they may attempt to have a conversation with you using their second language. This crude form of communication does not have a name and both MI5 code breakers and local zoo keepers are currently trying to decifer it. It has been used as both a mating call and a war cry by local hooligans and can be described as similar to the noise of a howler monkey attempting to perform a Pavarotti piece while dancing to Swan Lake. Hooligans and 'chavs' are to be avoided at all costs if survival is intended.