Norway
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| Motto: Whats the best land in all the world NORWAY we were on a coolnes compation and the infinity logo came up | |||||
| Anthem: "Go three am" | |||||
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| Capital | 3AM | ||||
| Largest city | 3AM | ||||
| Official languages | 3AM | ||||
| Government | Christmas | ||||
| 3AM | 3AM | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Sleeping | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | Repeatedly refuses to join the EU | ||||
| Currency | Nighttime | ||||
| Religion | The 3AM religion | ||||
| Major exports | Sleeping | ||||
| Major imports | 3AM | ||||
“ Now that we're here, let's try to be as loud and uncooperative as possible!”
~ American tourists on Norway
“ We're fucking done... professionally”
~ Christian Bale on Norway
Norway (if you pronounce at night it will be:Nowhere) is one of the major countries in the world. In fact it is so big that the people living in Norway decided it needed two different names in the two languages spoken there: Noreg and Norge. Obviously the difference between the two names is minimal: they merely decided to switch the last two letters. A third name, Noger, was rejected due to resemblance with politically incorrect terminology.
Norway is potentially the only country in the world that is proud of the fact that Gorgoroth got a major hit there. It was also heavily debated whether Gorgoroth's Incipit Satan should in fact be the national anthem of the country.
Norway is currently a monarchy although those opposing the form of government has tried almost everything to change it. The police run an underground task force that threatens all opposing civilians, hobos and terrorists. They even managed to get the crown prince drunk and convinced him to marry your mom who had a history of drug abuse. This did not appear to turn on the Norwegians (who were probably busy doing the same thing she had done anyway), and the crown princess is actually very popular today.
Contents |
[edit] History
According to the legend, the establishment of Norway can best be described as the best thing in history. Norway was established about 2 years ago when two friends were out walking to what they thought was Paris. Eventually one got concerned and said to the other "I think we're going the wrong way", to which the other replied, "no, I like this cold freezing wind, forget about Paris, I want to figure out what's up there". After walking for several days, the two friends arrived in what one of the two friends described as a "freezing hell". All they could see was snow, snow and more snow. Of course they couldn't see that much cos there was no light anyway. But there was wind! A whole lotta wind!
As we know today, this place did indeed get popular. While one of the two friends wanted to go home, the other concluded that "this place is much better than Paris", and he wanted to stay there. According to the legend he was busy for days building snow men, and accordingly, that idea later influenced a famous park of sculpures in Oslo. Look on the map Norway have declared war on United States AND are winning all this happend when the dictaur Bush hade the power now the are in peace thanks to Obama.
These two friends would of course be forgotten if it wasn't for the future migration that resulted from their one way trip. Two people can't form a nation, and when the two friends never returned home as planned, their friends got concerned and ended up trying to find them. They too had the wrong idea of where Paris was and ended up walking through wind, snow, mixtures of snow and rain and mixtures of snow, snow and more snow, they finally found their friends. They soon ended up adding far more snow men to the collection and eventually decided that they liked the place too. Their original motto was "who needs the sun anyway?"
After multiple scientific studies, scientists across the world has come to the conclusion that the formation of Norway is not only the best country to live in, the richest and most peaceful country, but also the best example of how awesome the human being can get. This is not only because the founding fathers actually found out that it was a good idea to stay in the "freezing hell", but also because the geniuses who settled there spent most of the time figuring out whether they could rape and pillage every other country in the world in less than 10 minutes. In other parts of the world they were at the time busy building temples and churches. Later on the Norwegians would invent the PUREAWESOMENESSMACHINE for the first time in 1905, to the big surprise of their neighbors in Sweden. When the Swedes eventually copied the technology, the creation of Norway's mortal enemy Volvo quickly followed.
Later on, these Norwegians would actually figure out how to build boats, and when that happened, the went on to rape and kill shitloads of countries, France, England even some of the natives in America and more.. Some guy was building a house near the sea but when someone tried to scare him (it's common to try to scare people in Norway), he got so scared that he tipped his house on the sea. Since it was floating the two thought they might as well explore the sea. At first they were happy because they could go even further north to see more ice and snow, but over time they also went south, west, east and in any other direction they could think of. The Norwegians would bring with them their wish to scare people, however, and this they did very well.
The Norwegians actually even settled in some countries like what we know as the United Kingdom, but for most Norwegians that was too warm and they preferred places like Greenland and Iceland. When they came home from these places, they would tell their friends about their trips, and then talk about how happy they were to be back home with the snow. Eventually Norwegians found out that there were other places to go too, and currently they fly to Southern Europe twice a year. The reason is not what most people would expect though (heat). Rather it's the cheap beer that is too tempting for the Norwegians!
Although these people may have deserved it, they eventually found oil. How they did it remains a mystery to most of the world, but accordingly a very good swimmer thought it was a good idea to swim directly down to the bottom of the ocean. He saw something black there and after the Norwegians concluded it was not gold, metal or any of the other 3 things they had named, they decided to check it out. To their luck, they ended up making more money than anyone could ever dream of.
In more recent history it should be noted that Norway twice tried to enter the EU, but both times they were rejected. Actually the first time they rejected it themselves after people got confused about what they should vote. The second time they sent the application to Santa Clause as a christmas wish list. It did not work.
[edit] Language
In Norway people speak a strange Danish-Hybrid (Bokmål, Book-Goal) and Nynorsk/Spynorsk(Aka REAL Norwegian). Norwegian being the most common. Nynorsk was invented by a drunk guy named Ivar Åsen often refered to as 'the asshole', while the very hated and rarely spoken Bokmål were invented by a queer named Knud Knudsen whom tought it would be a great idea to use the language of a country whom had occupied Norway for almost three weeks as a new written language instead of embracing his true inheritage. Since there are a lot of places in Norway where the inhabitans have isolated themselves for hundreds of years, the way in which they speak Norwegian differs a whole lot. Other results of the Norwegian isolation are inbreeding. The inbreeding have resulted in some rather nasty human races like 'trøndere', 'samer' and 'Jehovas vitner'. Nynorsk, the true Norwegian language, is a kind of a compilation of the most common words from the different areas of speaking different kinds of Norwegian. The language is tought in school and is considered equal in importance as 'Mathmatics','Sience',' English', 'Raping' and 'Pillaging'. Since nynorsk takes a lot of time teaching (since the bastards from Oslo have difficulties understanding common Norwegian language), it takes a lot of time off of the other major classes and as a result Norwegian scientists have noticed a steady decline in the quality of raping and pillaging during the last 50 years or so. Even so, the Norwegian written languages differ vastly from the spoken, which again differ vastly regionally; and may cause much confusion too the weak-minded 'Bokmål-speakers'; leading to many crusades against all froms of common Norwegian, with the final goal of having all Norwegians speaking Dainsh within 2015.
Norwegian language is distinct by the fact it has three letters that differs from other European countries. The letters 'æ(Æ)', 'ø(Ø)' and 'å(Å)'. The first letter is an 'a' and an 'e' set very close together. The second is an 'o' and a 45 degree-angle 'i' and the last letter'å' is an 'a' with a prick on top, also called the 'a-hole' letter. Only the most brutal and nasty Norwegian words have an 'å' in them, and it is considered a social suicide to utter words that contain them like the name 'Ivar Åsen' or 'Bokmål'. There are no words in the English language to describe the terror and hate Ivar Åsen or Bokmål brings forth in the Norwegian people.
[edit] Royalty
Norway is a monarchy and people are in fact aware that it is a monarchy. This is only due to the fact that Ari Behn, the husband of the princess, is constantly reminding them of it. He likes to talk to the media and he also likes to talk swedish, which is only confusing Norwegians. And confused Norwegians are angry Norwegians. Norwegians are nevertheless very supportive of the monarchy, for unknown reasons.
The Norwegian king has no power. He does get to read some things sometimes, but he doesn't even like it. His other jobs is to cut what he refers to as "those red communist things". He is sometimes hosting dinners, and despite his expressed wish to bring his guests to Burger King, he has to host the dinners himself.
The royal family has tried to spice things up a bit in recent years, with the addition of prostitutes, drug users and writers who can't write to their family. They also run the royal angel school (this is true) and the princess is telling her secrets to her animals (also true). This does not necessarily mean that Norwegians will stop supporting the monarchy, however, since Norwegians are generally very tolerant.
Some people are concerned about the naming policies of the royal castle, however, and recent additions to the royal family such as Leah Isadora, Aryan Nation and Adolf Hitler has not fared well among the Norwegians.
[edit] Culture
Norway is famous for its music. Black metal owns almost no (some conservatist wnnabe keeps editing hear HERE, faggot)... ALL minds in Norway. The bestestestest band of all bands is called DDE, which means Devil's Death Ensemble. They have songs called "Her blir det liv" (Resurrect the dead), "Vinsjan på kaia" (Hanged by Satan), "Vi skal sjå sola ned i havet" (Bringing down the sun), "Rai Rai" (Kill Kill) and "E6" (Road to hell). They are written in an Old Norwegian language called "Trøndersk" and are extremely scary. On stage the vocalist always walks around naked with only corpse paint on. DDE are the only European band visible from the moon. Go DDE! Rai Rai!
The most evil and sly band in all the history of Norway is called The Ole Ivar’s, and is known to burn at least five churches each day, or else they get abstinences and might become blind or even die. Some would say that DDE is more evil, but that's just bullshit. Ole Ivar’s is the true evil in disguise … but they're not trying to hide it (if they are, they clearly suck at it).
One thing that is often pointed out is that all Norwegian Black Metal music is actually all the same with only minor changes in pitch and album cover layout. Therefore it is a sound and economic strategy to only buy one single CD with Norwegian Black Metal, as it will contain all songs already written, as well as all songs still to be written. This has been confirmed by a real Norwegian.
Another famous Norwegian artist is Tone Damli Aaberge. She was the winner of Norwegian Idol in 1837 and her talents are similar to Sponge Bob Squarepant's. The songs that are written for her, and which she lip sync on stage, are called "Søt Feber" (Ima Kill Ya Motha Fucka), "Slutten På Et Forhold" (You're Too Ugly For Me) and "Månen Er En Streng Herskerinne" (You Don't Even Have To Remember My Name). These songs are sung by innocent little girls in the streets of Norway aaaaaaall day long. In 2007 Tone attended the Eurovision Song Contest with the song "Sommerfugler" (Vomiting), where she represented Turkmenistan and got 136th place. Great success.
It is a well-known scientifically proven undeniable ultra-fantastic very-fantabulos extremely-reliable 100%-truthy fact that all Norweigans are Vikings and therefore incredibly awesome. In fact 66.7890654% of Norway's GDP comes from weapon development and Viking helmets sale. The trendiest diet in Norway is the diet of raw fish and raw evangelical Christian eyeballs along with a side of the traditional “Smalahove” (smoked sheep brains of the finest taste) and “Fårikål” (Sheep cooked alive, then rolled in cabbage or pig shit). The clothing trends are some of the most stylish in the world … the males often wear leather (with their Viking helmets, of course!) or opt for the traditional corpse paint (with their Viking helmets, of course, you silly goose!). The same goes for females. The only Norwegians not in a black metal band are the members of the nation, beeing reasonable people.
Hobbies include: hating black metal, pillaging, pillaging, watching “Hotel Cæsar” on TV, pillaging, playing less black metal, and why-don't-we-pillage-some-more-and-then-go-home-and-not- play-black-metal. It is a Norwegian custom to wear your Viking helmet at all times or you shall be smitededededed by thy sword. Oh, and add making swords to that list. Norwegian television is one of the most highly praised and awarded in the whole entire world, not consisting of black metal concerts, pillaging reality shows, less black metal concerts, and a Viking culture channel owned by the god Odin (now known as Santa).
All Norwegians are required to worship Santa. How Odin became known as Santa: Odin had an argument with his wife, Pamela Anderson. Odin then starts drinkin' way too much Mead. Odin gains a beer-belly. Pamela makes Odin a red fat suit and dumps him. Odin puts it on; then he gets this insane idea of giving presents to whiny emo kids (something no one should ever do, unless it is a gift-wrapped knife. Anyone else attempting this is very likely to drown in tears and makeup). It is worth noticing that the music of Norway is one of the main reasons the country is shunned by the rest of the civilized world. Thailand and Norway are as of this day still not on speaking terms as a result of The Great Disco Disaster of 1994.
It is also known that foreigners own the country. They are killing Norwegians all day just for fun (bastarsds) but if a Norwegian ever kills one of them, they call their families to go beat the crap out of him/her, and then they gather hundreds of thousands to protest against so-called "racism". The old norwegian saying goes like this: "You can't go 360 degrees around without seeing a Nigger". Of course this is held secret for them and their almighty families. Confirmed by a Norwegian, note that Muslims are pussies though.
[edit] Drinking culture
A month before the Norwegian national day (May 17). All highschool graduates dress up in red overalls, buy big busses which they then paint red and go all out in a one-month drinking- and reprodusing spree called Russetiden (The Russian times), for unknown reasons. Every true Norwegian is a result/mistake of the reprodusing cunducted in this tradition. The point of this tradition is to fail every final exam, rape and pillage, and to throw sharp red id-cards at small and often crying (or laughing) children at the national day. On May 17th, everyone goes out in the streets to watch the children attend the annual Viking parade. Instead of arming the children with guns, they are armed with ice-creams and they usually end up fighting the Russ (the highschool graduates in red dresses). The Russ are not armed with ice-creams, but with major hangovers and loud music (and the earlier mentioned Id-cards).
'Helgefyll' is another Norwegian tradition. This is conducted at the end of every week and starts either Thursdays or Fridays and last for the duration of the weekend. The rules are quite simple: Get drunk, get laid or get beat up. The tradition always end when the individual attending ends up in jail (also known as getting PWND or EID), gets beat up or gets laid, the two latter are sure signs of a succesful weekend. The starting of the 'helgefyll' tradition is not quite that obvious. Even though Friday is the primary starting day, Thursday is often argued to be 'little Friday', Wednesday is pre-mature Thursday and Monday is 'Vorspiel' or 'after-party'. Tuesday people usually go buying alchohol, porno, and other regular groceries. The 'Helgefyll' is a way for the Norwegians to remember and reminice about the times when they were 'Russ'.
[edit] TV culture
Norway is a nice country if you like to watch radio. When you see the radio it's often brown, but somehow people paint it black, for no reason I think. But the main, and most important thing is; You can watch the radio as long as you like. There is lots of radio on the TV, therefore you got a lot of Radio shows going on the TV every night. Exciting if you like to watch Radio. Every day me and my family sits down in front of the TV and watch Radio. It's a religion. Never watch the TV without radio on it. Remember that, and you may be able to watch some Quality TV with radio shows on. The sound is 5.1 Radio Surround. Nice when the Radio host is talking about radio in the nighttime. That's the meaning of watching TV, watch the radio guy sitting down at a radio with lots and lots of radio connectors submitted over and over again inside the radio with nice vision for the latest radio sports. Never miss out the TV Radio.
Norway Pwns.
[edit] A regular day in the lives of Norwegians
Molest, kill and rape (in that order).
[edit] Internet in Norway
The internet in Norway was made by the King himself. It was made in 1999, and still no complaints. 
[edit] Transnational Issues
Between 1905 and 2000 Norway fought its War of Independence against Sweden. The conflict is commonly known as the Loud war, since most of the war consisted of the building of huge stereo systems along the border. Both countries literally attempted to blast the other away by playing awful music. Popular songs towards the end of the war included Lou Bega's Mambo Number 5 and Sweden's own Dr. Alban (strangely both sides played Dr. Alban!). The end of the war happened when the electricity was unplugged by Finns who got tired of the music.
[edit] Principalities
The Svalbard islands have been under Norwegian control since 1970, when the Norwegian Coast Guard single handedly defeated the British, Danish and Russian military forces. The Norwegian Coast Guard usually gets Norway into wars (in particular with Russia and Iceland) since they generally get confused as to what they are supposed to do first, talk or shoot. Usually they shoot first and then shoot some more. They even throw things at the potential enemy when they run out of things to shoot. At this point they may ask a question or two, but since they are taught to shoot when no one are answering them, they will go get some more ammo and then return to shoot some more - just to be sure.
One time the coast guard advanced far into Russia before they realized they were not supposed to do that. They even left their boats when they couldn't get any further and came close to conquer Stalingrad. Historians were even fooled by this: They thought it was Hitler's armies that were in that attack, but no, that was the Norwegian Coast Guard.
[edit] Military
After the Norwegians converted to the political ideology "semi-egalitarism", they had problems maintaining a solid chain of command in their military, as officers were required to keep their ranks secret. Instead, it was a common practice for officers to fire their guns in the air to show dominance. This obviously made warfare almost impossible, since the armed forces were never able to keep their location secret. This led to a series of military losses for Norway.
Obviously the tactic had to be changed and instead of firing the guns in the air, the Norwegian soldiers began shooting each other to show dominance. This strategy worked surprisingly well! When the war opponent finally arrived (they always did, a lot of noise was made), they got confused by the one high ranking Norwegian still alive and all the dead bodies. Obviously they believed he killed them all and they quickly fled the place. The lone Norwegian would then track them down and kill them all.
The only real problem the Norwegians saw with this strategy was that sometimes the dominant commander would indeed be so determined to prove his dominance that he would shoot himself. This would not only leave the opponents confused, but also unopposed. This is not a sitation Norwegians are content with. A secondary strategy has thus been tried, and that has been called the all out attack.
According to this strategy, Norwegians are sent out to run in one given direction and they are expected to bring down EVERYTHING that comes in their way. This strategy has been applied several times. Both World Wars was eventually won this way (in the 2nd, a Norwegian actually ran down Hitler, he never killed himself). Another Norwegian who had ran too far, failed at running down Stalin. The last known example is the Iraq war, which was a clear win (Bush's words, not mine), and that was a result of Norwegian soldiers applying this tactic.
Generally when you want to know whether a battle included Norwegians, you need to look at the map. If you see a straight border, that is a result of a Norwegian running straight (and thus doing his job). If there is no straight border, a Norwegian was probably involved anyway, but he was drunk and simply didn't run straight.
[edit] Terrorism
Jens Stoltenberg is the leader of the terrorist-group called "US", “United Soss” (officially “AP”, pronounced like the word “ape”, but only in Norwegian) in year 1999 he crashed his flight “Pike-Jens 1337” into the Norwegian Wood Trade Center. Only Erna Solbarg survived the terrorist attack… and a helpless soss. The Guerilla Front of Norway, called "Dænsebænd", is led by a nihilistic and mean-spirited creature whose name, whispered only in shushed awe, is Sputnik. He likes to wear cowboy-gear and is armed with a deadly audio-instrument (see “Skrækkspellfæstival” or “Makrellfestival”). The only weapon law-abiding citizens have against Sputnik is the traditional throwing of “Turbojugend” hats and prime-ministers. This, however, is a controversial weapon, the deployment of which has not been sanctioned by international agreements.He does songs with a lot of dark messages, and you can hear them best if you play the song backwards or sideways. Sputnik once collaborated with the terrorist (and Black-Metal band) organization Gorgoroth to overthrow the previous Norwegian government. Jens Stoltenberg bears a grudge to this day. It may in fact have caused him to take up bicycling. This may also be the reason he refused to hug Trond Giske as he is a close friend of Gorgoroth.
The most famous military person is called Arne Torsdal aka "Thorsti". A chicken eating wow looser who don't shower. Therefore he smells horrible. He also don't like beer. At his hometown he was beaten every day by a boy called Mac. Someone think this is the reason he leaved his hometown and joined the military forces. Thorsti died in January 08 when he ate a chicken without cooking it.
The Sami group “Popular Front for the Liberation of Lappland” engages in vicious terrorism in their struggle for a homeland (and world domination). Tactics usually consist of screaming the word "Erstatning" and encouraging reindeer stampedes, both of which are known to induce fear in the Norwegian populace. The Sami people have been accused for the brutal murders of more than 10 000 Norwegian people living in the town Kristiansand. Reason: they lived in the south (Sami people hate the southern parts of Norway).
Luckily there are many international antiterrorism groups like AB/CD, IRAN MAIDEN, and /the best antiterrorism-agent) Eddie Van Halen.
And now for something completely Norwegian:
There's been a war going on in Norway. Not many people are aware of this fact. For a long time, the Wolf tribe and the Sheep tribe have been fighting each other. There are many people who sympathize with these tribes. More specifically, at least two groups of people are sympathizing with the Wolf tribe. They are not aware of the fact that the Wolf tribe has brainwashed them, so they follow the tribe blindly. They are known for going to war against the ones that sympathize with the Sheep tribe. The "warriors" on each side are fierce, and they will never surrender, no matter what. Sometimes, some members of the Sheep tribe scarify themselves on purpose so they can blame the Wolf tribe. These Sheep are known as "Kamikaze Sheep" or “Selvmordssau” and fear no one. You do not know who they are before you read about them in the news. And then it is too late. You're already dead. So what are you doing reading the newspapers, you dead guy, you?
The two groups of people that sympathize with the Wolf tribe are called “Naturvernforbundet” (the institution for protecting weak, naturalistic minds) and “Natur og ungdom” (a pure-bread hippie organization only for hippies). Of course there are groups of people that sympathize with the Sheep tribe too. One of these groups is "Sauebønder", or "The Norwegian Sheep Shagging Foundation" (NSSF), as they are known by the rest of the world (Sheep farmers). They are helping the Sheep's cause by offering them a place to stay during the winter, and in the summer, they let them out in the forest again. The forests are at their most sheep-friendly during summer. The "Sauebønder" keep complaining about their losses of sheep, but refuse to realize that it is their own fault when they let their sheep out in the dangerous forests.
[edit] Indigenous people
Some of the natives are born outside marriage, and go under the definition Jukselapp. WARNING: If you wander around in Norway, and are offered any kind of “Lapp” you must always eat it with sour cream and jam. This may sound confusing because you’re not supposed to understand. The Trolls are the least well-known of the indigenous people, as they have blended into the society with such success that it is hard to spot them. The playwright Henrik Ibsen exposed them in his play Peer Gynt (also see: “Brokeback Mountain”) (and no, Peer was not a Troll) (Peer is pronounced with one E), where they lived as cowboys in a mountain cave in “Dovre Mountain Range”. Their trade mark was the inability to see very well, being 'Seg Selv Nok' (Preoccupied with themselves), and not bearing the exposure to sun light (they would burst). Trolls are really quite dumb, but don't tell them that, as they would be very offended.
Thanks to Darwin, the Trolls evolved, and they can now spend hours in the sun. They love traveling down to the beaches around the Mediterranean, but have also been spotted as far a field as Thailand and Brazil. Crowds of Trolls are known to colonize the beaches of Spain These so called "German tourists" have developed amazing skills, and some are able to put a towel on a sun bed at 200 yards. Foreign food does not agree with them, and a trolls cave can often be mistaken for a "font of Cess-a Reet Shithoole" or more commonly known as Oslo town hall (you can find it in Oslo Shitty).
Although Ibsen compared Peer Gynt to a cabbage - if you start peeling it, you'll never reach the core - he was unable to find the right veg for the Trolls. In retrospect, the Trolls can be compared with a potato; a fairly friendly veg, but not very bright (Trolls do not like school).
In addition to ordinary Troll, there is 'Kon-Troll' (also known as the Paper Monster; related to 'con-troll' in English, and the cookie monster in Sesame Street), who lives in governmental and municipal offices. These buggers can be quite nasty, but nevertheless not as severe as their big brothers living in Brussels. The Kon-Trolls love: to count hours (or even seconds), money, filing reports, fill in forms, raking money and children into sacks with their grubby mitts and other types of useful activities. They have recently become invigorated by the explosion of the project plague, which paralyses entire work sector, and in severe cases your mum.
[edit] Nature
Norway got big dinosaurs running around eating people, rabbits, bigfeet and polar bearss, unlike Kenya. Unlike what most people outside of Norway think, polar bears do walk around in towns and cities. This has become so big of a problem in Oslo that they have their own polar bear patrols to keep them at bay. (This of course is an outdated fact. As of December 1st 2007 Oslo has become the worlds largest prison.) This has been controversial, as many white supremacist sheep farmers argue that brown bears are just as much of a problem as they have been seen to occasionally eat (white) sheep, out in the country.
The average norwegian person is made of solid gold and anywhere between six foot seven and seven feet tall although in rare occurrences they have been known to grow over ten foot tall. The average norwegian has a massive amount of facial hair all over their body (even on their own hair and stomach lining) This gave rise to the belief that there are no norwegian women but you can tell a women from a man in Norway by the excessive amount of hair on their eyes. Another way to tell a Norwegian person from a normal person is from the Norwegians urge to burn, rape and pillage then suddenly sail off on a dragon boat. Although these activities are illegal in most countries in Norway they are a popular passtime. Another reason Norwegians are freaks is because of the excessive amount of metalheads resident in Norway. The government has commissioned a cull on these metalheads so as to attract tourists but this is futile as Norway is a beautiful place and everybody wants to go there.
Nearsighted people are illegal in Norway. Therefore most nearsighted people in Norway have been exported to Iowa to form their own colony, changing their names from Norwegians to Iowegians. In return the state of Iowa sponsors the first verse of the Norwegian national anthem. It has, however, repeatedly expressed doubts about the notorious second verse.
In the fjords of Norway there are several unidentified creatures. According to old legends, many of them share an uncanny similarity with Nessie of Loch Ness. But since they have not yet been identified, we don't really know.
It has long been believed that Keiko the killer whale died of natural causes during the animal's recent stay in the Norwegian fjords. This turns out to be nothing more than a cover story. Keiko was killed by the local "lænsmanj" (sheriff) after refusing to join his regiment of poorly trained suicide polar-bears. Keiko argued in futility that he was neither a polar bear nor any other land animal and would therefore have difficulties performing his duties on land even though he sympathized with the cause (which was to force the government to withdraw from the United Federation of Planets and join the Klingon Empire). The Lænsmanj, drunk on potato moonshine, would not listen to reason and stabbed the whale to death with his 2-inch pocketknife - a ruthless murder which took a fortnight to complete.
Of Norway's natural assets, the most valuable is believed to be the ground-frost, also known as Tæle (or Tele for a small minority of rich Oslo west-enders who are constantly trying to acquire this asset, consistently undervaluing it). The most famous transaction of Tæle was when Halvdan Svarte bought a great piece of this from his brother, in order to ensure a safe passage across a sound. Needless to say, it mattered little that the ground was frozen 50 feet below him when the water was not, and poor Halvdan suffered the most common Norwegian cause of death.
Hunting and fishing: Most tourists visiting Norway are not in the country to look at the nature. Their real reason for visiting is hunting moose or free fishing. (See German tourist.) Hunting of moose with gun is only legal a short period of the year, and at a high fee to the local owner of land. But hunting moose with a car is legal, and well organized by the national authorities. Along the roads with good hunting conditions, there are set up lots of informational signs. Dependent of position, they are indicating if the moose is likely to show up at right or left side of the road, and the distance it will run along the road before escaping. At certain places there are even set up fences with narrow gaps, to collect as many animals as possible. And some places are even equipped with light signals, to show if there are any moose in the area that can be hunted. The Norwegian tourist authorities has launched the campaign for moose hunting: A bloody experience you will remember for a long time.
Another hunting goal in norway is wormhunting. The worm (at norwegian ¨meitemark¨) is easily spotted by birds. The birds can hear worms down in the ground. when the birds are on to catch the worm, you can shoot the bird and take the worm. In Norway it is popular to feed their children with worms because it is not expensive and the other money can be used at Norwegian prostitutes.
[edit] Sports
- The national sport of Norway is called “skistil okserunk”, which roughly translates into: "Milk the Bull While Wearing Suspenders and Skis". This is a relatively safe sport with a tiny insignificant death-rate of approximately 99.2%.
- Raping, pillaging and brutally murdering the French, English, Swedish and ofcourse Muslims.
- Norway is the first country in the world to start a Champion's League of Nightmares. It is fast becoming hugely popular in other countries, though.
- Running in the rain/sleet has the dubious honor of being, simultaneously, both the most practised and most hated sport in Norway. This is nowadays known as the Norwegian Runner's Rain/Sleet Paradox in climatological circles.
- Another famous sport in Norway is called "Island Jumping". This is a sport where contestants jump from one island to another. Another version of this sport is called "Bar Jumping", where contestants go from one bar to another, drink some karsk, and then go on to the next bar. The one who throws up first has lost, and the one who is first to arrive at the nachspiel has won. The popularity of these two sports has resulted in Norwegian bars being spread around various islands on the coast of Norway.Norway Sport Accsociation
- There are also other sports in Norway. Like skiing. Originally the fun part of this sport was that you had to tie people to skies, and then send them downhill, and see who would get down fastest. In the past, the losing team would be bombarded with oranges - hence the Norwegian rule of always bringing oranges on skiing trips.
[edit] Soccer
We also have to say a word about football (or soccer as Americans call this sport). In Norway the greatest achievement for the national team is to make it to the World Cup, and simply losing every game. Norway has succeeded in this for as long as history can remember. Except for the time when Norway beat Brazil 2-1. This was due to Drillo using his immense glasses to reflect the spotlight onto the eyes of the Brazilians. This victory is, by all Norwegian men, considered the greatest Norwegian achievement of all time.
The Norwegian hooligans are still as fierce as ever, and many of them are still writing letters on their chest. Some are even writing telegrams. Also, a recent profusion of e-mails has been noted. But the last time they tried to do this, there was one person too many on their team. This led to a lot of confusion. At the last minute, they agreed to do what many reality shows do: they started to vote for someone to leave them. In fact, there was only one person left when they were finished, and he won one million NOK. He can't use the money, because they are not real. Actually, they got the money from a monopoly-game.
Illuminating as the previous paragraph on Norwegian football is, a few things need to be added. First of all, Norwegian football is dominated by a slightly boring brand of reindeer. They're not boring in the traditional sense, though – they are actually quite interesting. But unfortunately, they're kind of nerdy. Even when they have entertaining points to make, they make them in such a dry and "witty" way, it's enough to drive you crazy. And they're more of a defensive team than a spectator magnet. Also, they have four stomachs, none of which are very entertaining.
Another notable aspect of Norwegian football is the widespread use of "complementary beverages". These beverages are universally known to be complimentary. They are often served in glasses. It is considered to be uncouth to drink the glass itself. Only the beverage contained within the glass should be consumed. Once the glass has been emptied of its contents, it should be hurled in the general direction of Sweden.
Norway's best football player is Oscar Fjelli, a well known player who played for LA Galaxy.
Others:
- Looting and pillaging peasant villages
- Wooden Spoon fencing
- NSMB
[edit] Soss
The Soss are a Norwegian breed of posh bastards. 37,1759% of Norwegian teenagers can be classified as Soss, which also is known as the Princess-Bitchface syndrome. This is an increasing problem and scientists still haven't found a cure. It is proved that the disease can be contagious. The reguler 'soss' can be found either in Asker, Bærum or Oslo. Most of the 'soss' attend the BI Collage and smoke nutmeg. Sometimes non-Asker and non-Bærum folks dress up and try to hang out with 'soss'. The reason remains a mystery, but there are several therories about them trying to hang with them so that they will get their money as most 'soss' are filthy fucking rich. The only problem for these wannabe-soss people is that they don't have the money to fully dress up like real 'soss' and so they are easily discovered and disposed of.
Another thing that can be, is that the sosses themselves have brains on sizes of donkey balls. It's a usual syndrom they often get from their parents. This syndrom makes them wanna wear tanning cremes and make-up. In additional, they have their own way of wanting to put silly underwear-looking headbands on their heads to cover their "too-good-looking" hair.
This can be compared to the islamists' so-called "burka" where it's a shame for the females to show their hair.
[edit] Tourist Information
The motto for the Norwegian tourist board has since the fall of the Berlin wall (when tourism was re-legalized) been “come to Norway and see how the road system in your home country was during the war”.
Norway is the only country in the world where there are 367 days every year. These days occur at 0:00AM between the 12th and the 13th of April. This is in the middle of easter, and that is why the two extra days are called middle-east.
There are 2 supermarkets in Norway, on account of the trees growing too thickly for anyone to be able to get their shopping trolleys to the checkout register. If you somehow manage to find one despite the odds, you should be advised that the names of the foodstuffs may be confusing. This is because bork is the Swedish spelling; Norwegians will be mortally offended at its mere whispered mention. The closest Norwegian equivalent is "bjørk" – please note that for a full and balanced diet, you need both bjørk and other bjørk, or the ever-popular daily multibjørk.
If you decide to visit Norway, be sure to bring lots of money. If your annual income is less than $1.000.000, don't bother. Go somewhere else.
Every year Germans invade Norway in their mobile homes. They drive slow, do not use their rear view mirrors and are of great annoyance to the west-coast-crazy people who are in a hurry. Germans are the only people that can afford to go to Norway (also Japanese and Americans). This is only because they bring their own place to live and their own food and therefore don't spend any money in Norway. Food in Norway is expensive. A BigMac menu costs $11, and it's not even supersized.
A car costs the same as the national budget of a small African country, so most Norwegians drive old underpowered cars ((what? No we drive big fancy cars. You shoud have noticed)). The roads of Norway holds a standard equal to the dirt roads in the Amazon jungle. Combined with the old shitty cars driving in Norway is a nightmare.
You should visit Bærums Verk( Bærum ). This place have maybe the world's nicest christmas shopping street.
The word "Vattnisse" is a mortal insult in Norway. Several students kill each other daily in duels becuse of the frequent use of this forbidden word. And don't call anyone "Eros". Thank you for your corporation.
[edit] Major attractions
only fjords , norwegian girls, and the statue of Erik Selmer in Pipervika, also known
as The Statue of Nikotin. Fucking good salmon though and note that Norway is the most beautiful country in the world, but who caaers? one should also mention Wigelands parken... Lots of naked rock people... And my personal favorite: "The monolith" (A great big phallus... Oh boys!!!)
[edit] Things to do
Bludgeon random immigrants with frozen pike. Go to Hell, the only warm place in Norway, situated just outside Trondheim. Tourists should take care not to leave their cars while in this area, as Hell is naturally inhabited by a variety of evil, bloodthirsty demons (Trøndere being the dominating, and also the most dangerous kind). The current ruler of this area is Lars Monsen.
Norwegians like to drink alcohol. Mostly because they need to be a little tipsy before they can properly sever the heads off their fellow Europeans (English,French). You will rarely find sober people in Norway, especially through winter they drink a lot. And when they drink they talk. And talking leads to violent behaviour. Around Christmas Eve most children in Norway are born. This is due to alcohol though, and not any religious spiritualism.
You are also invited to attend a black metal concert. These are strange conventions in which members of groups dress up in their traditional folkloric costume and sing jolly folk songs. People pay money to stand up for four hours, have their ears bleed, and be bludgeoned by a group of buzzed men ramming into each other. The scenario is usually a cool, large room, with informative discussions about currant topics and trends, such as that despicable Swedish death metal. There are decorative, festive 'stars' all over the place, and other strange symobls and writings. [See:Polish]
The meetings also usually include a formal banquet, with the traditional main dish of deep fried Evangelical Christian and the tasty side courses of sacrificed goat and pig's head. Pagan blood is offered as a refreshing beverage. Afterwards, there is a group hike through the endless forests to a fun recreational activity area, in which members of said groups torch down churches.
[edit] Confusion between Norway and Iceland
Many get confused between Iceland and Norway, that is understandable, those countries both suck big time. But the best way to remember the difference between them is that Iceland's shape is like a poop (emperor of Iceland, Björk, is now trying to change that) but Norway looks like sperm. Iceland's emperors are now running commercials all over the Middle East to get people to see the difference between them.
Or if you are one of the MANY people who actually want to see norway... Here are a few pointers:
- Visit Tromsø, drink Mack and eat seals.... Yummy!!
- Admire the tourists admiring the locals who are admiring the tourists who admire the Fjords.
- Save up some facial hair, and visit Trondheim... Home of both natural and unnatural facial hair...
- Go on a whale safari... YOU WILL WHALE!!!
- Visit Oz and kill a witch. (It's the local sport of choice...)
- Bring an umbrella and visit Bergen. (It's raining MEN, HALLELUJAH!!!!)
- You could even visit Stavanger for a(n oil) spill...
- The bible belt of Norway is nice... You could visit its shiny buckle... Arendal... (Bling Bling.)
Visiting Haugesund - The Pearl of the Coast
If you ever consider visiting this beautiful city, with sild, FKH, "kaien", drugs and random violence - remember always that you will be most welcome. The Haugesunders are joyful people who love their football team - FKH - they just choose not to show it sometimes (except when they are in the cupfinal). In Haugesund you can find a lot of different people, like said earlier in this resumé about Norway, you will meet "Sossar", bad-ass wannabe Gangsters, politicians, footballers, nerds, normal people, rockers, drug addicts and of course leeches (people that has so weak minds of their own, they just do what others have done.) But don't worry, the city is beautiful - so what? There great risk of randomly getting beaten up, the weather is awful most of the time - but hey! The football team is still good...right?!
[edit] Major cities
The capital of the country, Perfect example of Norwegian creativity. And yes... the most popular gathering spot for soss, dodd, and that sort of trash (try imagine the poor, angry-guy thats writing that :p)
This city has just one law: As long as you don't hurt anybody, you can do everything you want. This law is often accompanied with song and dance, and it is sung about 23 times a day. Even if you can do whatever you want, you must be prepared of the risk of going mad within one hour in this city. It is estimated to be 12,66 %. Interestingly the houses and the people look EXACTLY like they would in Portugal.
Famous for... rain, rain and more rain, oh and did we mention that it occationally rains... It's the ultimate destination for people who like rain. There are some people with ugly dialects here, but these are just a few... not the dangerous ones... and they have a lot of rats there accordingly, (no, I'm not talking about the people... well, not the locals anyways).
this is believed to be the city were the moustache was invented, and moonshine!The official language of this city is incoherensy. So don't expect to much in the ways of linguistics. This city is allso famed for being the place where the norwegian people gathered all the unwanteds... so the locals keep moving away... sad, isn't it?
Nesodden is Norway's Staten Island. A short swim from the dockside of Oslo you will find the most posh area of all Norway. This is surely they place to go if you want to find desperate blonds with too much money just waiting for a foreign hunk to arrive with the local ferry. At Nesodden you will find a local satantic cult, a family of polar bears, Norway's largest skyscraper (100 feet tall) and launch area of the planned moon safari spaceship airport.
- [[Blashyrkh [Mighty Ravendark]]]
This magical place is often talked about in traditional folk songs of the Norwegians [see above - black metal] It is known by everyone in Scandinavia as a place of utter love, peace, kindness and beauty. It is one of the world's most Christian sites, right up along there with Jerusalem and Israel. Every townsmember is unapolegetically friendly, and will always invite you into their lavish house for a cup of warm tea and a chat about the Bible. It is also said not to freeze over in the summertime, a sharp contrast to the rest of Norway. Founded in year 666 by the Pop Christian Neo-Avantgarde-Operatic band Immortal.
[edit] Facts
See Norway/facts.
[edit] See also
| Northern Europe | Channel Islands · Denmark · Estonia · Faroe Islands · Finland · Guernsey · Iceland · Ireland · Isle of Man · Latvia · Lithuania · Norway · Old Jersey · Sealand · Svalbard · Sweden · United Kingdom | 
|
| Western Europe | Austria · Belgium · Corsica · France · Germany · Liechtenstein · Luxembourg · Monaco · Netherlands · Switzerland | |
| Eastern Europe | Belarus · Bulgaria · Czech Republic · Hungary · Moldova · Poland · Romania · Russia · Slovakia · Ukraine | |
| Southern Europe | Albania · Andorra · Balearic Islands · Bosnia and Herzegovina · Croatia · Cyprus · Gibraltar · Gozo · Greece · Italy · Kosovo · Macedonia · Madeira · Malta · Montenegro · Portugal · San Marino · Serbia · Sicily · Slovenia · Spain · Vatican City |
