Nostradamus
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Nostradamus di Polysorbate or 'Dennis' as he liked to be called. (b.969;d.1016–r.1960) was a seer and the author of a famous prophetic book that predicted with stunning accuracy that, at this very hour, you would read this.
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[edit] Early life
Nostradamus was born in the year 1969, in England, during the time of the Beans. His father owned a store in the village, "Ye Olde Porne Merchant", which provided enough income for a daily bowl of shit for each member of the family.
In his youth Nostradamus (Dennis) was very gullible and did anything any of his friends told him to do. Once, on a dare, he called up the Czar in Russia and said: "go to hell you fucking commie kike bastard," then hung up. One day when he was 16 years old, Nostradamus was showing off to his friends, doing bunny hops and wheelies on his mountain bike, when he accidentally fell over and killed the Emperor of Japan (he was on a royal old leek shopping spree) . He was arrested and thrown into prison, where he was raped by the prison guards and a large Chinese man, who promised Nostradamus the gift of prophesy if he would dress like a nun and urinate on him. By the time Nostradamus' sentence was up he had become convinced that he was Joe Jonas.
When he returned home, his entire family had died in the Lebanon - Uraguayan wars, and as a result, he had to take over his father's porn business. Occasionally he would don his nun habit to "see into the future" in exchange for drinks. He saw such future events as the rise and fall of Adolf Hitler, the death of JFK, the death of Dale Earnhardt, every death of Kenny, the "untimely demise" of Castro, the invention of Boggle, the Falklands War, and the Milli Vanilli lip-synching scandal. All of these predictions eventually found their way into his memoirs, published by Random House in 1004.
Accused of witchcraft by Pope Walter IX, Nostradamus escaped to Argentina, where he befriended some Nazi war criminals and a professional lacrosse player who had legal problems. But his troubles with religious authorities were not over, for the Catholic church had sent five eunuchs and their best vampire hunter to find and burn Nostradamus. After narrowly escaping several attempts on his life, he realized that the Catholic church would never stop pestering him, unless he killed the pope and put someone else in his place.
[edit] Nostradamus strikes back
Nostradamus secretly traveled to Rome where he formulated a plan to assassinate the pope. He knew that every Wednesday the pope drove into town to buy incense. This would be Nostradamus' opportunity: he planned to carjack the popemobile and, with the pope bound and gagged in the driver's seat, place a cinderblock on the gas pedal and send the vehicle hurtling at full speed right into the college of cardinals, bringing a fiery death to all. Nostradamus implemented his plan on November 2, 1012, but the pope survived because the popemobile's top speed was insufficient for the task. A disappointed Nostradamus blamed the failure on his confusion between kilometers per hour and miles per hour. The pope's close call led directly to the development of airbags as a standard feature in papal transport.
[edit] The Predictions
Some of his more notable predictions of future events are summarised in the table below:
| Date | Event | Was he right? |
| December 25, 40 B.C. | The Birth of Jesus Christ, saviour of the human race and self-titled "Superstar", to parents Mary Queen of Scots and Eric Clapton of Heaven, in a manger with no crib for a bed. | Correct—although the manger was actually a brothel, temporarily used to store livestock while the club was under investigation for Mafia connections. |
| January 21, A.D. 1444 | The death of Joe Tailor, a tailor from Sunderland, stricken with the plague. | Correct—Joe died aged 40 with final words "Let Doris have my teeth." |
| July 1, A.D. 1460 | The death of Nostradamus, by a completely unavoidable and unpredictable accident involving a noose and a bucket. | Correct—Nostradamus himself died that very day in exactly the way he predicted he would. What a guy. |
| July 4, A.D. 1776 | An empire of evil will rise forth into the world and unleash disaster and despair upon the world, bombing any country who dares oppose them. These foulest demons shall become the greatest of all living beings in the world and devour everything with their evil ways and thoughts. | Correct—United States of America is the most powerful country in the world and crime rate has risen ever since the creation of this country. The demons refer to Americans. |
| September 1, A.D. 1939 | The outbreak of a Great War in which millions would die, terrible events would befall the Jews of Europe and for the next five years the entire world would be turned to black and white. | Correct—this was the year in which the block-buster World War II began filming in Poland, taking five years to complete and leading to the suicide of its director, Adolf Hitler. Also, Woodstock. |
| September 1, A.D. 1977 | The invention of a hideous new weapon which will threaten life on Earth with total annihilation. This terrible device falls into the hands of the world's greatest superpower, who swears to use it only as a defence in the battle against hostile alien invasions. | Correct—Meatloaf released the album "Bat out of Hell," which is perfectly described by the prophecy. |
| March 5, A.D. 1984 | The entire world is converted to a fascistic communist oligostate with imaginary macronations introduced to keep people loyal. Observation is carried out on all citizens and the fictitious leader Big Bertha rules all. The year 1984 will become synonymous with an omnipresent surveillance system and repeatedly cited henceforth by all those who want an excuse to moan about CCTV. | Incorrect—although communism did exist in 1984 it was quickly covered up by the CIA. Omnipresent surveillance wasn't feasible at this time but boy, did they try. Bertha actually did exist, she grew up to marry a farmer in Ohio, she had four children and died on February 2, 1984 aged 39 from a shotgun injury. |
| May 20, A.D. 1986 | Cher marries a bagel boy, but the marriage lasts only about a year or so before the pressure of excessive media scrutiny drives the two lovers apart. | Incorrect—although Cher did marry Robert Camilletti on or near this date, Camilletti was not actually a bagel, and had already reached voting age. Moreover, it is generally accepted now that the two were driven apart not by media scrutiny, but by a pack of hungry locusts. |
| April 3, A.D. 1987 | 'The Bangles record cover version of Hazy Days of Winter. | Correct—but who cares?. |
| January 1, A.D. 2000 | The Apocalypse—the final battle 'twixt good and evil in which the chosen would enter the kingdom of Heaven and the rest would carry on their mundane,tax-raisin', welfare whorin, surrendin', gay-marryin', fetus-killin' lives on Earth. | Incorrect—although it was recorded as the biggest collective hangover in the history of alcohol. |
| January 1, A.D. 2001 | Ah, but we're forgetting that A.D. started at one! Hang on, renormalise... ok, The Apocalypse—the final battle 'twixt good and evil etc. etc. | Incorrect—although the smug few who postponed millennial celebrations until now felt a little miffed that their party wasn't quite as bangin'. |
| September 10, A.D. 2001 | The world as we know it will end. Also, a Cheese Pop Tart will be invented. Quite Tasty. | Incorrect—so close. |
| February 24, A.D. 2002 | Sainsburys will begin 24 hour opening at limited stores. | Correct—Although it still doesn't extend to weekends does it!. |
| March 31, A.D. 2004 | The Catholic Church is threatened by the Illuminati, a shadowy group of militant atheists, who attempt to blow it up with a nonexistent pseudo-scientific plot device. | Incorrect—although the Pope's state of health did decline somewhat during this year. |
| January 14, A.D. 2005 | The UK National Lottery numbers will be 13, 16, 29, 10, 22, and 6. The bonus ball will be 2. | Incorrect—The incompetent fucking bastard. |
| May 17, A.D. 2007 | A grey haired President "Bush" of a superpower invades North Korea deposing the leader and declaring himself King. | Incorrect—George's hair is more silver than grey. |
| January 1, A.D. 2010 | Right—this is it. The Apocalypse's got to happen at some point, so why not now. But, wait! Something's coming up on the crystal ball. By the Hoary Hosts of Hoggoth! Is that a 500 foot Jebus I see?! Nah, this can't be. Let's try the next week then. Oh, it's the same. I'm outta here. | Close enough—When approx. 97% of the human population had collected every star in Super Mario Galaxy, mass spontaneous combustion occurred when they realised that such a level of awesomeness could never be reached again, wiping out 3/4 of the human race. "Top that" commented Miyamoto. |
The prophesies are collected in ten volumes and one Best Of collection, available wherever mood rings and Volkswagen paraphernalia are sold. There are also whispers that everyone involved in his prophecies have just played along so as he wouldn't look silly and predict something worse for them which they would then have to act out. See "Nostradumus is secretly controlling the world and everyone involved in his prophesies are his minions" paradox r
[edit] Verses
Nostradamus wrote his prophecies in quatrains, using iambic tetracycline. Sometimes he wrote them in the shower instead of quatrains, but the ink ran and most of these "all wet" predictions have been lost.
Uptown girl, She's been living in her uptown world. I bet she never had a back street guy, I bet her mama never told her why. --- Believed to predict the humiliation of Britney Spears by Justin Timberlake.
On the next-but-fifteenth phantom jet The fat man cannot see his toes The king sleeps in rain, his socks are wet A man eating ice-cream and beer soon blows. --- Believed to predict the destruction of the Berlin Wall.
The humble goat builds his nest anew Atop the highest tree in the land A cat talks to the flaming man And golf will be banned in Chiswick --- A short angry man from Essex will drop a brick on Guy Ritchie by accident.
The tower of fools is builded apace In the country of pizza there is indigestion A mole is cryogenically removed from the face Of the wizard who made the suggestion. --- This refers to a public toilet in Bruges, which overflowed briefly in 1934.
Judgment day will come as dark as night on trial for many incidents only because of colour --- Refers to O.J Simpson's second trial for burglary and because he lied the first time round And God spake unto the man, clean thy toes and clean the teeth and thou shall be saved, fool me twice, evil will be unleashed upon the world. --- This refers to the birth of legendary singer, Phil Collins
Luke, the warrior of space the saviour of many a people will find his father is in fact a black man in a space suit. --- This refers to the creation of the George Foreman Grill
When the cream bun strikes the ground A fat hairy man will take power short and stubby he is and as dumb as a piece of shit. --- This refers to George W. Bush taking power in the United States.
Above the ground, the serpents fly In fiction, a man wanders from plot to plot Unruly, the outcome, with screaming sky The gizzards of vultures are seen in the shot. --- Possible prediction of Snakes on a Plane, though many scholars argue that it more probably refers to the assassination of Arch Duke Ferdinand.
When the morning star does smell of cheese The wool is pulled over n00bies eyes Marie d' Annecy sure has nice knees I'd like the chance to nip her thighs. --- This is an obscure prediction. Marie d' Annecy obviously refers to the Pope, and the morning star is equated with Kinseyian sexual economic theory. But the common interpretation of nip as Japanese is anachronistic and there is no evidence that Nostradamus ever referred to a person of Oriental extraction as a "Nip", nor that he referred to Spaniards as "greasy Dagoes who dance on tables". For further analysis, see the four-volume work, The 1138th Quatrain of Nostradamus: Eschatology or Scatology? by Professor Zelda Thorpemuffin, published by Dead Raccoon Press in 1963.
When the gizzards begin to rumble and the bowel begins to crumble the great leader will fall and brown feces be distributed across the barren waste land --- Many argue this refers to the Fidel Castro incident in 1977, when Fidel Castro developed a massive case of diarrhea which spread across Cuba and killed over 300,000 people.
When the stupid man and the blind woman die a bright light will erupt in the sky a fat little elf and a black cat listen to CD's as everyone claps --- This refers to Italy winning the 2006 World Cup Final
The sky will be crying in pain downwards and all umbrella-non-bearing demizens of either gender disappear off the streets to only reappear some short time afterwards --- Accurately predicting a brief shower in Sydney Australia on September 12 2006. This remarkable natural phenomenon produced approximately an inch of rainfall, decimated make up of about 5000 women and increased sale of nearby shops and cafes by 0.00001% of their monthly turnover
Gigidygigidygoooo!! --- This refers to all episodes of family guy
When the sky has two ploughs of peoples And all the dung is all but shoveled The lemmings shall go into the holes Then shall there be a great bunch of ashes --- This refers to the 2009 cricket test match where Australia wins.
[edit] Nostradamus Ate My Hamster
and God spake unto the hamster, clean thy toes and thou shall be saved, fool me twice, shame on me... fool me... ye can't get fooled again...
[edit] Less Famous but yet Debated Predictions
"She shall have a round face. She will have clean feet, but very dirty, dirty, filthy socks. I will not pay more than five Florins this time."
"This rubberband hurts. You will see."
"I can't feel my legs! This will not end well!"
"The goddamn bottom is covered in yeast, this ale is ruined, but yet I will not stop drinking!"
"The optimal niche market for wholesalers in Germany will be transparent catheters; but it requires rash investments and unloading, since oversupply will occur rapidly despite the perverted nature of the fat bastards!"
"Shoot me in the face with a BB gun. I'll duck before it hits me in the eye!" (he was wrong)
"Ahem...you are all screwed."
"You will have enough of the motherfucking snakes on the motherfucking plane."
"There will be blood."
| Preceded by: Joan of Arc | King of Randomness 1411-1460 | Succeeded by: Elizabeth I |
What about the 39 steps? Why doesn't he tell us about them? Also, Joe the Plumber, he missed that by a country mile.
[edit] See also
Hocus Pocus
Other prophets:
- Mystic Meg
- Jonathan Cainer
- Tom Cruise
- The Pope
- Hotdamnus
- Negrodamus
- Nostradumbass
- Barack Obama
Machines that can predict the future:
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