Not Starving

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“Meh, it's better than dying”

~ Captain Obvious on Not Starving
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Example of man not starving.

Not Starving is really really cool.

I'm serious... You should totally try it sometime.

Okay, you say you aren't starving right now, and that's fine with you... but to really understand what I'm saying, you have to first starve! Then, after you have starved, you should try Not Starving. The difference is immaculate. It's great!

How to: Starve[edit]

  1. Stop Eating so much, you pig! Jesus, I swear, it's like every time I turn my head around, your jamming that greasy pie-hole in your face full of tacos, tacos, and the 7,000 calorie taco, from Mctaco Taco. You need to cut that taco.
  2. Try MRE's: A favored method of Starvation among US Military soldiers... Attempting to cram your puny gullet full of combat rations is a great way to make you starve, because there's like a breakfast burrito one... it's freakin' sucks. And all the Vegetarian meals suck too. I swear to god, if not for the savory goodness of Tabasco, I would have gouged my eyes out with a melon-baller to take my mind off of the pain. Thank You, Tabasco!
  3. Move to Ethiopia: Dust is better for you than McDonalds. Plus sometimes you get lucky and you'll get a bug or two.

How To: Not Starve, a three step program[edit]

  1. Eating something: This is a fairly good start.
  2. Eating more: Stuff your face, its edible you eat it.
  3. Knowing when to stop: Don't bother, you're not not starving. Go hog wild for all I care. Convert your over-sized ass into a collection of fat cells vast enough to develop you're own gravitic field. Celestial events will be influenced by your gargantuan waistline. Pluto will be sucked from it's distant orbit only to come rocketing in at Mach 9,250; making a bee-line straight towards your Cthulu-like gut, smacking into your fat with nothing more than a squishing noise, one you'll likely believe to be nothing more than a rancid greasy burst of flatulence. You fat, fat, magnificent bastard, you.

Signs of Not Starving[edit]

  1. Feeling Full. This is a definite sign that you are not starving... or you might just be all strung out from your mainline of heroine again, that's certainly possible. Generally though, a feeling which displays a lack of hunger is a great sign that you are Not Starving.
  2. You are At a Restaurant: Another winner. If you are eating at a restaurant, and paying respectable or high prices for the food, you are most likely Not Starving.
  3. You are a fat and lazy asshole, who's couch has developed a crevis shaped like your oversized ass. A surefire way to tell that you're not starving. If you were starving, you damn sure wouldn't be sitting on that couch right now, eating tacos, naked, while watching tacos.

Signs of Not Not Starving[edit]

  1. Being hungry, this is a good clue that you are starving, do something man.
  2. In the Mirror, you can see your ribcage. This is a sign of Starvation. Eat a potatoe or something.
  3. You are a Supermodel. You're fucked. You'd better find yourself a rock-star who will love you for your gorgeous face, and give you a hamburger or something, or you will die. Get yourself a boob job too, while your at it, because your tits are too small. No, I don't care if you're a freaking multi-million dollar model who is regularly fawned over, your body is shaped like a 14 year old boy. It is for this reason that I do not masturbate to pictures of Paris Hilton. I'm not attracted to 14 year old boys. I masturbate to pictures of Holly Body, 'cause her tits are way cool.
  4. You're eating out of a Dumpster: Actually, there's some leeway here. The dumpsters behind the local Olive Garden here are absolute shit, but if you happen to be near to North Rapid City, Critter Corner animal shelter has some really tasty morsels thrown out on a weekly basis. It really reminds me of Chinese food. Tasty indeed.
  5. You live in Africa. Holy shit, get out of that country. Prostitute your way to somewhere else if you must. The whole continent is one dry, arid wasteland. ever since those bastard white-man Europeans came over with their "Guns", things have really gone downhill, and the most recent Zulu King has been unable to rally his people for a good long time.

Reasons to not starve[edit]

  1. Being fat you will love the feeling of your thighs chafing together and the uncontrolable sweating.
  2. Not Dieing if you are starving there is a 120% chance of this happening, you dont want that do you.
  3. Heart Disease this sort of experience is character building.

see also[edit]